Im not Ginger I'm blonde!

clumsypolly

I was wondering if I could get some advice because I'm having trouble knowing what to think.

Yesterday I was on the thread you laugh you lose I had seen my boyfriend thank a good few of the posts, so out of interest I wondered which other posts of the thread he thanked but when I checked it out it turned out on some other thread he had been thanking pictures of girls he thought was hot because he has a thing for Ginger women, but I'm blonde.

To be honest I was really surprised about it because I wouldn't even think I'd find something like that at all, I asked text him firstly saying 'if you saw that I was basically saying or liking pictures of regular guys a thought were hot would he like it and would it make him feel like crap' which he said yes to. So I asked him "then why would he thank pictures of regular girls that he thought were hot on boards so", to that he replied about me checking up on him that it wasn't nice that I didn't seem to trust him and that he thanked a lot of things on boards who said they were hot??

But eventually he admitted that he thought they were hot and that's why he did it. I'm not the kind of girl who gets upset about porn or the way he might talk about celebrities in anyway but this has seriously upset me especially when he started getting defensive and angry at me just because I wanted to know why he'd do that. His defence later was he's not talking to these girls or any girls and that he couldn't give a crap about talking about the whole thing and it was petty ****, later that he didn't care anymore so I should deal with it and that he doesn't think it's too wrong what he did even though I asked him that morning how it would make him feel, which he seemed to change his mind about it. Later he apologised that I was upset about it and that he wouldn't do it again he did think I was being a bit sensitive about it.

The thing is these girls were prettier than me and he just had to thank photos of them which I don't get of theres porn and all that for him to look at why is it regular girls he has to go looking at too, I'm seriously seriously feeling so insecure about myself now and I'm still really upset I have a feeling it's going to be like yesterday crying when I really think about it, am I really being too sensitive? Shouldn't I be upset that these are girls from just around the place??

I just don't know how to feel about the whole thing at all I don't know what to do! It's not that I don't trust him this was really weird to me that I even saw he was doing that! I just don't know how I can be ok when I see him like cuddle with him or any further than that either? He knows he doesn't have to deal with anything like that from me he even got weird about my friend showing me a picture of a guy she is seeing's dick when I didn't know what my friend was going to show me and had I known I wouldn't have even looked so I don't understand why I do have to see that he's doing something like this! I'm just really upset some people might think I'm being a bit silly! I just really don't know what to think and going to girlfriends about this isn't an option! Sorry the post is so long I shortened it

pickarooney

Is there any chance you could re-write that again and use paragraphs? It's really hard to understand what you're asking in relation to being ginger/blonde.

From what I can understand you caught him out at the digital equivalent of wolf-whistling at girls on the street and he's more annoyed that he didn't think you'd see it than the fact he upset you by being so blatant about it?

clumsypolly

I have an iPad I can't seem to fix it, I just know he really likes Ginger girls he encouraged me to nearly dye my hair red before but I wouldn't get him wrong at all I wanted to do it and it would look nice on me but I just don't know how to feel about him don ping this, he seems to think I'm overreacting! Really sorry about no paragraphs tried to fix it when I was finished typing!

clumsypolly

Thank you seamus!

seamus

I've attempted to add paragraphs.

Tbh, you seem a bit all over the place. I don't think the red/ginger/blonde thing is the issue here at all.

He has basically pointed out a whole pile of every day random girls as "hot" and you're a little bit shocked and/or insecure about that.

It would easier if they were porn stars or celebrities because to a certain extent they aren't "real" people, that is, they aren't people with the potential to meet your boyfriend and steal him away.

This something where you've both made mistakes/need to learn.

For you, you need to realise that this is something which he is doing day in, day out, subconsciously. Every time he sees an attractive woman in the street, he cranes his neck to take a look and thinks, "she's hot". He's human, he finds women attractive, this is natural, this is the way it works. He will always find other women attractive. Whether you perceive them to be more or less attractive than you is irrelevant. In fact, whether he perceives them to be more or less attractive than you is irrelevant. He will find them attractive, it's not something he can help, but he is still with you. If he wanted to be with someone else, he would be.

Secondly, don't go digging and picking at things if you don't think you're going to like the answer. You know why you went digging to find out what else he was thanking, and you knew exactly why he was thanking pictures of other girls.

From his side, he has made the mistake of being public about it. Men will talk to other men about women who are attractive. "Joe's new girlfriend is really hot", "This girl I work with has the most amazing arse you've ever seen", "The girl who works in that coffee shop, holy crap she's unbelieveable". Your boyfriend does the same. However he doesn't do it in front of you (presumably) out of respect for you.
What he has done however is the equivalent of talking about other women while you're not in the room, but while you're still within earshot.

He just needs to learn to be a little bit more discreet, and you need to work on your self-esteem a little bit and understand that he will find other women attractive in exactly the same way that you find other men attractive.

clumsypolly

He's a really good guy the best person I know always honest with me he's never given me a reason to not trust him or anything in the whole 2 and a bit years we've been together he always treats me right, it does upset me he didn't think there was anything wrong with it even though when I first asked him he said it wouldn't feel all that good about it.
I do know he loves me I don't think he was annoyed about getting caught doing that because he thought I was being silly in the end but I just don't know how ok I can be when I see him even though I'm always looking forward to seeing him I just can't help wondering how ok I can be if he tries anything on after this!
I really don't know how to feel about it because I can't go to any friend and ask them what they think, I wouldn't even if I did have that because I would be too embarrassed because my ex was 100 times worse, I just can't help feeling betrayed because they are normal women and obviously his preference is red haired girls and he's all I could ever ask for completely in a man!

clumsypolly

I understand seamus I do get what you mean, he just knows I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment about how I look if that wasn't the case it wouldn't have bothered me as much it still would have a bit that these girls are around the country I am aware that he'll check out girls or maybe talk about them with his friends but I just can't help feeling hurt that it was there in front of my face when I was expecting it to be another funny thread that he had thanked thanking them for being hot, he got a bit upset at my friend who lives in England showing me a picture of a guy c**k that she was seeing I didn't know what she was going to show me had I known I wouldnt have looked to be honest because it was kind of strange but it didn't stop him getting weird about it!
This is how cheating started in my last relationship I ignored it and it got worse I guess that's probably what is making me feel worse that's in no way my boyfriends fault he's not the same guy in anyway, I don't know how to just get over the confidence knock even though it might be a normal everyday thing that people do I am feeling a bit insecure about how I look at the moment I just didn't! I just kind of don't know how to be normal when I see him because it did add to my insecurity!

seamus

clumsypolly wrote: »

obviously his preference is red haired girls and he's all I could ever ask for completely in a man!

He likes red hair, he finds it attractive. That doesn't mean that he rates red haired girls higher than you or that he would like to find a red-haired girl and leave you
You probably like men to have big, well-toned arms, but you don't prefer these men over your boyfriend. Right?

Same deal here.

The primary issue here is your own insecurity. It's fairly natural and normal. At my wife's hen they did this "Mr & Mrs" thing with questions. I was given a choice of two answers and I had to pick one. One question was, "Blondes or Brunettes". My wife has red hair, though it's a bit lighter than normal red hair. And I love it. Given the choice, her hair all the way. But the option here was blonde or brunette, so I went with second best and chose brunette.

And she got a little upset because she would have thought blonde was closer to red than brunette

You are being a little irrational, but he could also have had a little more cop-on, as I've mentioned above.

You will get past this, just don't be afraid to talk about with him, it always helps to have him reassure you

LegacyUser

I'm in the same shoes as you OP. My boyfrriend has a thing for red haired women too. I have dark hair.

I've seen Internet searches and it's always girls with hair colour like Una from the Saturdays. (Wishy washy red not proper titan red...sorry just getting my bitchy jealousy out!!) Anyway it's not what I can compete with.

I just have to turn a blind eye to it but it does hurt. A lot.

It's mad because years ago red hair was considered less desirable but now almost every man you meet has a real fetish for it. I dyed my hair light red and it was lovely but impossible to keep as it was so dry and my eyebrows didn't really match.

I wouldn't dwell on it if I was you OP. I did have to have a word with my lad as he was always on about how <insert red heads name> was the nicest out of the group or show. I had to point out to him that I didn't want to hear that. His ex was a red head. He'd be at pains to tell me how the red haired one out of girls aloud was the prettiiest one and the tall red haired girl from 'Third Rock from the sun' was the nicest etc etc

It really hurt me but when I explained he got it. He made and effort to keep it to himself and I made an effort to pretend I didn't notice. I did get some comfort though in noticing some of the red haired ones he'd fancy were plainer than the prettier dark haired ones. He never looks at blondes so I suppose that's some comfort.

clumsypolly

That's the thing I wouldn't prefer him to change in anyway at all I know that sounds like a load of horse s**t but I have found literally a man that fits all my taste in every single way I guess that is why I'm a bit upset and I shouldn't read into it and I got upset that he got angry at me about it too! It's just added more to the fact I'm feeling insecure about a bit of weight gain it's just a bit of a knock about that! I was just a bit shocked to see it blatantly also but I know I'll get over it we just have a pretty active s*x life and now I can't even think to take my clothes off in front of him I did think he knew I was feeling a bit insecure about how I look at the moment and that's what in the back of my mind was upsetting me too.
I wasn't able to just have a conversation about it he got very angry at me!
I didn't understand the change of mind from him saying it wouldn't make him feel good to later in the evening that it wouldn't bother him!

clumsypolly

I really wouldn't feel bad about the celebrities thing at all I would never get upset about porn even if all his porn searches were red heads I really don't know what the case is with that never seen or wanted to see his searches have laughed off things that I come across by mistake sometimes like if I was in google on his itouch and a porn search does come up it's funny just to see I know it's a normal thing I'm not the kind of girl that gets bad about any of that at all I watch it too, I'm not even the jealous type he's a serious catch I wouldn't be surprised at having fight off some girls they would be queuing up around the corner if we ever broke up! I'm just a bit insecure about how I look and getting back to normal will just be a bit hard for me and it doesn't take me much to get over things, this has just really hit a sore spot I don't want to be like that and be quiet if I see him I'm only that person if I'm upset I always want to enjoy when I see him I just know this will be in the back of my mind!

clumsypolly

Sorry if this sounds like I'm completely all over the place that's how confused I was when I saw all this, I'm confused about him changing his mind about how it would make him feel if the situation was reversed because he said he wouldn't like it and it wouldn't make him feel good then it was a complete 180 saying it wouldn't bother him!

LegacyUser

clumsypolly wrote: »

That's the thing I wouldn't prefer him to change in anyway at all I know that sounds like a load of horse s**t but I have found literally a man that fits all my taste in every single way I guess that is why I'm a bit upset and I shouldn't read into it

I'm the same. I fancy him in every way and wouldn't ever fantasise about anyone else really. Well maybe a few I certainly wouldn't be oogling celebrities and porn. The received widsom in Youth Culture now is that it's the person who doesn't look at porn/oogle other RL people that is some sort of wet freak, that they are 'insecure' and that they should join in with the mental infidelity.

I swallowed that theory and tried to be right-on about it but all that happened is that instead of me becoming less insecure I became more quietly miserable and inadequate.

So in the end I did speak up and just asked him to tone it down and we are much happier now. I just didn't want it rubbed in my face as much.

clumsypolly wrote: »

and I got upset that he got angry at me about it too! It's just added more to the fact I'm feeling insecure about a bit of weight gain it's just a bit of a knock about that! I was just a bit shocked to see it blatantly also but I know I'll get over it we just have a pretty active s*x life and now I can't even think to take my clothes off in front of him I did think he knew I was feeling a bit insecure about how I look at the moment and that's what in the back of my mind was upsetting me too.
I wasn't able to just have a conversation about it he got very angry at me!
I didn't understand the change of mind from him saying it wouldn't make him feel good to later in the evening that it wouldn't bother him!

Weirdly enough my BF used to get angry too at the very start. I would hardly mention anything but when I explained it properly (after a couple of years suffering in silence) he did get it.

I think the anger comes from him perhaps falsely thinking that you want to 'police his thoughts' instead of just ask for a bit of respect and descretion.

I apologise for the generalisation in advance but I've found that sometimes men find it hard to differentiate between a normal human woman with hurt feelings and some crazy militant feminist buzz-wreck who wants to wreck his joy!

Anyway I hope you two find a balance. The angry reaction did put me off bringing up the subject for a couple of years and I really regret that. Becsuse once it was sorted things were so much better.

LegacyUser

Seriously ladies, is it not ok for guys to like girls with red hair? - the very fact that these boyfriends are going out with you, shows that it's not exactly such a huge deal for them as it is for you.

I 'have a thing' for men with big biceps. My current bf is the love of my life, he doesn't have muscles in his arms worth mentioning at all! I still like big biceps, but like, I'm not going to leave my bf because I have found a guy with big arms.

Kimia

Hi OP, just a side note, I'm sure you're not trying to be offensive but the word 'ginger' is awful, not something someone with red hair would like to be called. Just fyi.

I agree with the others, it's just a thing he likes - like if you liked blue eyes on a man. It's really not a big deal, if he's with you, trust that you're the one he prefers!

clumsypolly

I didn't ever say he can't like red headed women I just thought I deserved more respect to not have it there that he likes these regular women, it's not like nobody feels like someone might get up and go if there was something much better on offer I'm not saying that's the case but if he wouldn't like it why do it to me especially when I'm feeling low about how I look at the moment and he knows that even though he loves me reguardless of that it still can make me feel inadequate on a bad day it can make some me feel a bit like that! I don't tell anyone I think they are hot or like their pictures I don't go looking at those kind of things but then that's me I didn't think he was like that either because I've never seen that from him I thought he was respectful in that way!

clumsypolly

Oh ya sorry about the Ginger thing I mean red hair it's not an offence against them two of my siblings have red hair I didn't think twice!

clumsypolly

Not only was their the red hair, they are prettier and skinnier too I know it's not all about looks but it seriously bummed me out when I'm already not feeling great about myself.

ted1

how old are your sisters? Do you feel insecure with them and him is this is what is really wrong.

clumsypolly

Oh no that's not a worry at all to me, I was worried I wasn't really his type anyway so I got insecure about seeing that he likes girls that I don't look any bit like, just because my sister is a red head and my brother doesn't make me feel weird at all, he thinks of my sister like a child sister even though she's 22 2years younger than me! The respect for my feelings is my issue.