Monday Funums

MonkieSocks

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!


B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

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I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death...

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p***k she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"
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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency...

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A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white Wine Spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...

"Where are you from? You sound English", said a drinker.

"I'm from just across the Severn," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn?"

"I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?"

"I mount animals."

"It's alright boys," shouts the barman.



"He's one of us."
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Prince William and Kate Middleton have decided that they do not want the traditional fruit cake at the wedding.

Prince Phillip has commented that he doesn't give a flying fook, he is still going to attend the wedding!