Starting again

LegacyUser

Hi, am young female trying to make a fresh start in life. In college and having spent time a in new environment meeting loads of deadly people it's made me question the lifestyle am living.

When was younger,like most Irish teenagers,messed around with drink and lads.Unlike friends who'd have the craic in moderation,always seemed to go over the edge,having blackouts, one night stands and physically hurting myself,accidetly and otherwise. Had a bit of a shaky time all round with school,home and socially. Am normally a happy go lucky individual but seem to have phases of severe uncertainty. During these times can't sleep,concentrate or seem to function,shaking and sobbing uncontrollably and feeling unable to say even hello to other people. It's as if have a physical reaction,getting flustered and feeling off,cold and on edge until lie down in silence or among strangers to calm down. It can last from days to months. Always thought this was normal ups and downs and kept it hidden, but starting to wonder as it has become quite consistent to the point of normality.When get drunk these feelings and any worries,which keep closely hidden,tend to come spilling out.

Since started college everything was going well but has collapsed. Had never been in a relationship, started seeing a lovely guy born from a drunken escapade. On own insistence kept it quite ,not going out in public, greeting each other or telling friends.Know it sounds ridiculous but was so upset by the idea of intimacy,wanted him to see other people and not become attached. Just can't fathom someone sleeping with me and still wanting to be gentle afterwards,nevermind holding hands or going out.Was terrified would hurt or embaress him.Then gradually drinking snuck up and sense of uncertainty snuck in. Become a completly different,unrecognizable person with alcohol,its not an excuse but lose control and cohesion. Had a couple of heavy,hazy months,drinking by myself and in company. Relationship,as it had progressed to was finished because of it and new and old friendships and acquaintances broke down.

The advice am looking for,apologies for the length,is do you think it's possible to start again? If wanted to wait before slept with someone or not drink, would he feel cheated and angry on hearing about my history. As if he's missing out and shouldn't have to suffer when others got it easier.The drink and casual culture doesn't make me anyway happy or good company and has to change.Want to feel able to not just care for someone physically but let them in too. Though will be shyer and sober, it will at least be authentic.Have always been afraid of showing softness and feel honesty is of upmost importance so would like to be open about the past in future relationships.Also,any advice on apologizing and building bridges with friends and ex would be appreciated,especially as literally can't remember some last encounters. It was more worry and weariness on both sides, then offense that drove them away,thank you in advance for suggestions.