Other people?

LegacyUser

I'm 26 almost 27 female and single and lately i'm starting to feel like i'm on some kind of plateau. I was a late starter didn't even have my first kiss till i was 21. I'm just so lost when it comes to relationships. I'm not unattractive, there are prettier and less attractive women than me. I'm a nice person. I've never had a relationship. The closest i've ever gotten was 3 months, I never really minded being single, i guess because i was actively dating and i did feel with each guy i met that i learned something even though it didn't go anywhere it was a learning curve. I just thought that eventually it would click, but i've been saying that since i was 22 and 4 years later here i am still single, and i haven't even had so much as a date in the last 8 months

I just don't know how couples get together? Most of my friends are all in relationships and they've all meet their bf's through friends/work/random events. I lost my job nearly a year ago, but even then my line of work by it's very nature is full of arrogant, ego driven people, and that personality does not appeal to me at all. I've tried internet dating but it just wasn't for me i just found it too 1 dimensional.

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that it's very likely i will be one of those people who remains single their whole life. In the past when i saw couples i used to feel a twinge of jealousy, now all i feel is utter happiness and awe at their good fortune, and a feeling of sadness that i'll never know what being in love feels like. It's not that i'm afraid of being alone, i'm very comfortable in my own company, and i know i could live on my own, i'm quite happy with my life in general, well most of the time, i like myself, i think i'm a good person. I don't want to be alone though, i know i have so much to give to someone, i know i could make someone happy, and the thought of never having children of my own is just so sad.

My problem, I guess if i'm honest is that i can't ever truely see myself in a relationship, from what i can tell they seem to happen through coincidence, random occurrence, and that kind of thing just doesn't happen to me. I genuinely can't ever imagine someone telling me they love me.... proposing to me....wanting to start a family with me... even thinking about it is laughable, it's just not something that would happen to me, other people yes, but not me. It's like playing the lotto, i buy a ticket every now and again, i don't know why, yes there's a chance i could win but it always happens to "other people" i never really expect it will happen to me....I miss sex too, i've had a few one night stands but it just doesn't really do it for me, ultimately i suppose that's the thing that scares me the most about being single, never having that intimacy with someone, i don't think i could cope with that... I know i'm sounding very negative, but in real life i'm really not, i suppose these thoughts are one's i'd never make known to anyone in reality.... i just wonder if anyone can relate? offer some opinions or some advice? I just feel a bit baffled and lost at the moment.

Neyite

I didnt meet 'the one' until I was nearly 30. I had given up on the dating scene, purely because I never had much success with relationships - plenty of options, but trouble was they were all wrong for me in some way or another. After one bad breakup I swore off men and embraced the single life - aged 28 - I lasted just over a year until I met again through friends someone who I used to work with and had also swore off the opposite sex. We said that we would enjoy it "for as long as it lasted" (oh so cynical of us) and we are still here.

So, there is still plenty of time for you. Can you widen up your circle so that you meet friends of friends - like your friends boyfriends friends? A couple I know met through a mutual sport they did - they are getting married this summer.

Ickle Magoo

Post deleted.

Can posters note that is an advice forum and not a dating agency.

Many thanks

thecookingapple

Thousands of people in Ireland are at this moment in time are thinking and having the same thoughts as you.

dating and trying to find a partner is not a lottery, it takes a person to sit down and identify what they want, what kind of person they are interested in and what kind of life they want.

also it takes a person to sit down and figure out why they cant seem to meet someone with whom they can build a fun, loving and prosperous future with.

the point of this is to eliminate some traits and signals we could give off that we may not even be aware off, some people (me included) can give off a signal that we are not approachable and therefore scare of suitable suitors so to speak, we might be less relaxed in social circumstances and this gives of a false sense of not wanting to be approached, many many more signals can be given that we can be totally unaware off.

My suggestions

next time you are out, study yourself and what way you are in a social situations, see who looks at you and try to note your reaction when someone does look at you.

Learn to be more outgoing in social situations and in everyday life, say hello to people you dont know, some people will think your weird and some people will be delighted.

learn things about yourself, your body language is really important, read up on it, learn how your body language can make you more approacable and more open to chemistry.

try and instigate conversation with new people whether its in a bar or in a library, cafe, shop etc, its hard to begin doing this but after awhile it becomes normal enough.

it is easy to get into a state of mind that has you ooozing negativity and this is like a bad smell to people (would you like to date a negative person?) instead focus on your good traits and improve your bad traits and always be open to talk to new people in many situations that maybe before you would not have been open to.

its coming into the summer now and peoples attitudes are usually much better this time of year so you have the whole summer to change and impliment the new you

Wishing you well.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies

@thecookingapple
I've been single for almost 27 years now so in all honesty i've analyised myself to death, yes i'm a shy person by nature but by no means am i socially inept (not that i'm saying that's what you were implying) I can absolutely attract men and i really really don't mean this in a conceited way but i have no fear of rejection and i can and have gone over to a guy and chatted him up successfully on many a night out.

I guess it's not the attracting men that's the problem per se, it's attracting a man who wants a relationship.

So yeah i mean it must be the way i'm presenting myself to certain extent you're right, but i can't figure out exactly what i'm doing that's so wrong, i'm obviously approachable and a lot of men have commented on how "i'm so nice". I think that's partly my problem - i do tend to fall between 2 stools. I either attract the men who like me for my personality (that cute, shy, girl next door kind of vibe) but ultimately see me as a "friend" and not in a sexual light, or those kinds of men who think i'm hot/sexy and just want to sleep with me, i honestly can't seem to strike a middle ground, i just don't know how to get the right mix of both sides of me tbh. And this is why most of my dating has never amounted to anything, guys either lose interest because i'm "too nice" and i fall into the friend zone or it becomes very obvious they really have no interest in me as a person and just want sex.

dating and trying to find a partner is not a lottery, it takes a person to sit down and identify what they want, what kind of person they are interested in and what kind of life they want.

Maybe the lottery was a bad analogy, i know you have to actively look for the right partner, i'm know that the perfect man is not going to show up without some effort on my part. I meant that i would really love to find a nice guy, have a family/settle down some day so very very much, i mean i can't even express what it would mean to me to be in a loving relationship, For me it would feel like winning the lottery. It just seems so abstract, and i guess deep down i can't even imagine that something that good could ever happen for a person like me.... Good things like that just don't happen to me....

thecookingapple

I know it is difficult to meet someone cool whom you share common ground with and can have a future with, reading your new post it seems you do indeed have a power struggle between you and your identity going on, what I meant by analysing yourself was that sometimes you can give off a degree of desperation without even knowing it, you say you get chatted up and you chat up, but do you? What I mean by this is that do you actually chat men up? And are they aware that you are chatting them up as opposed to a casual conversation and vice versa, also if one way is not working then it’s time to try a new way, I will give you an example of something I used to do that was quite successful, I would see someone in a social place like a bar or library etc and just before I leave I would go over and say ‘’hey noticed you before and thought you were cool, here is my number perhaps we could have a drink sometime, am actually just leaving here now but would love to hear from you, thanks’’ takes a bit of courage but what I liked about this method was that I was not pressurising the person on the spot and I was not just another guy chatting the girl up and also when we did arrange a date it was a date!!! No intentions of friend zones etc, I was attracted to them and they maybe to me and we see where it goes, most single people go through the same thoughts as you and have the same dreams and fears as you and after awhile become a little self conscious and this can become like a radar to people, what I am saying is that maybe you are doing your best to be more open and to chat up people and give off the right signals and if it is not working then you have two choices:

Give up
Or
Revaluate and look at new ways to interact with the opposite sex.

Wishing you the best and tell me when you meet someone cool. J

LegacyUser

OP, I can relate so much to what you’ve said here, it almost gives me shivers. Like you, I am a 26-year-old female and feeling a bit disheartened lately with the romantic relationships in my life or lack thereof. Up until recently, I was never bothered by not being in a relationship, but lately, it’s beginning to get to me. I feel that I mirror so much of what you’ve said in your post so be reassured you are not alone.

I'm not sure where I'm going wrong either - I think I'm a nice person, I look grand, I’m no oil painting but I don’t look like the back of a bus either. I think I could make someone happy and it does get me down thinking that I may go through my life without ever loving someone and without someone loving me. I find it’s the nice, sweet guys that stay away and I seem to get approached by all the cads who just want to get their fix.

The romantic side of me still believes that I will meet someone. I guess it’s this belief that makes it easier to get through some of the hard times of being single. I think it’s a lot to do with mindset. I think you have to believe that you will and deserve to meet someone lovely. Maybe lots of couples that you see out aren’t all that happy anyway. I always think to myself that it’s better to be alone than with someone that I’m not happy with just for the sake of having someone.

As for how people meet, I have found places that you can mingle are the best – as obvious as that sounds. I often wish I was braver though – I have found a lot of guys don’t approach girls. I have often been out and seen a lovely guy and wished to myself that he would come over but he doesn’t and I don’t go over and the moment comes and goes and I get dizzy from going round in circles.

I think thecookingapple has given some great suggestions there – I will be taking note of them myself.

And I always think if the worst comes to the worst and I do end up alone – cats, knitting and slippers are all lovely things anyway.

Keep us posted, if you can.

Meanwhile OP, I will leave you with the same three words I tell myself every day: life is short.

Mind how you go.

LegacyUser

I find it’s the nice, sweet guys that stay away and I seem to get approached by all the cads who just want to get their fix.

well in most cases, the guys that you want to approach you wont and you wont approach them, so its catch 22! Im so fed up here of having to do all the work on a night out in general, the girls never want to risk the chance of rejection... Confidence being attractive works both ways. It is far easier IMO for a girl to approach guy than vice versa!