How to deal with the ex?

ilovetoblerone

Hi all,
I hope you can give me some advice if you have had any personal experience with the following:

I have been with my other half for nearly 3 years.. At the beginning I was aware of a past relationship that he had that ended on bad terms, as his ex had been having an affair. Obviously he was heart broken and i met him about 6 months after they had split.
He had come to the conclusion that he didn't want to have any contact with her ever again. Like many relationships they had the same friends so now and again they would bump into each other.
She is a very vivacious, loud and dramatic person and she acts as if nothing has ever gone wrong between them.

Recently she has been contacting him (on fb), showing up at our family parties that she wasn't invited to? just because her friends were!
I have never spoken to the girl but how do i let her know that she is being very thoughtless and what i consider rude, to think she can continue to include herself in our lives?

thank you for your time

trio

You don't. It's not your history, and it wasn't your relationship. You are not his Mammy.

It has been three and a half years - perhaps she genuinely thinks that the wounds have healed?

If he is upset at her contacting him on FB, he can block her. Drop her as a Friend. Block her updates on his Wall. It's easy.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I posted about a very similar situation in the past, almost identical actually. Neither my bf nor I were comfortable with the ex turning up everywhere, but no-one here understood our problem. No-one could understand why we'd have an issue with an ex being in the present, at family parties, etc.

Time passed and our situation became far more troublesome, where the ex would walk up to my bf while I stood right next to him at a family get together and pinch his bum or try to kiss him, to which he reacted badly, shoved her away. It never seemed to bother her though, she just acted like that didn't happen, acted like he loved every second of it and got a kick out of upsetting me.

Because no-one in the world apart from us saw the problem with the ex's behaviour, my bf and I have had to change our lives completely. We no longer spend any time with his friends or go anywhere that she may be. It's hard for him but it's the only option he sees, and I support him in whatever he chooses. We both hope she'll go away eventually and he can return to hanging out with his friends again.

Things got nasty in our situation with the ex sending cruel text messages and making up a fake facebook page and dating profile for me online! Again, nothing we could do but turn a blind eye and hope she gets bored eventually.

We did eventually involve the gardai, but they cared about as much as the people who read our thread here did. Which wasn't a lot!

It's a long-term problem, and when it comes to exes, others will never understand the dynamic of that in your current relationship.

You should talk to your bf about it, see if he's willing to tell her to back off, but perhaps he's okay with it. My bf was okay with her being present initially, until it became clear to HIM that she had deeper motives.

By the time it was clear to him (what I had seen for months), it was too late and the only way to fix things was to walk away from ever being in the town he grew up in and where she was circulating.

Good luck OP. When it comes to exes, some women are just unable to let go. As a female, it really embarrasses me that so many men have psycho exes, but that's just life I guess.

LegacyUser

She sounds like a deranged idiot.

The problem is not her however, it is your BF. Has he clearly told her she is not welcome to his family parties?

Some people will just force their way in regardless of whether they are welcome or not. They know better but they just don't care.

It is up to your BF to put this silly woman in her place. If he refuses then you really have problems.

leggo

abracabarai2 wrote: »

Hi OP, I posted about a very similar situation in the past, almost identical actually. Neither my bf nor I were comfortable with the ex turning up everywhere, but no-one here understood our problem. No-one could understand why we'd have an issue with an ex being in the present, at family parties, etc.

Time passed and our situation became far more troublesome, where the ex would walk up to my bf while I stood right next to him at a family get together and pinch his bum or try to kiss him, to which he reacted badly, shoved her away. It never seemed to bother her though, she just acted like that didn't happen, acted like he loved every second of it and got a kick out of upsetting me.

With respect, you're being very unfair on the people that helped you here.

The most important part of the bolded quote is when you say that "Time passed" between posting here and her becoming more troublesome. So how could anyone here have known it would end up like that, unless you relayed those exact happenings and warning signs onto them?

The reality is that a lot of ex's share friends and end up bumping into each other. Some even become valued, long-term friends without ever infringing on the other's lives.

Just because your situation DID confirm your worst fears doesn't mean that the OP's will or that every similar situation will. The burden of proof is such that every instance must bear the same result, not one instance bearing a previously predicted result (though the latter may feel like it, understandably). And the ex doesn't always necessarily mean bad news. Even if it did happen to you this one time.

OP all you've told us is that she's loud and dramatic. She hasn't actually done anything wrong yet. She could have been asked along to the family parties by her friends and may just be friendly in catching up with the bf on Facebook. I know that I use Facebook as a handy way to keep in touch with ex's that I'd talk to and have NO intention of ever dating again (god no!).

And as has been said already, it's your boyfriend's move to make, not yours. I understand how you can feel uneasy and maybe even threatened by her, but it's not your life to live.

A LOT of time has passed, time for feelings to change and lives to move on. She could just be trying to be mature here and completely innocent. If your boyfriend is so uneasy, then tell him to be a man and speak up for himself. I know that I've had to draw a line in friendships with certain ex's that weren't working. It happens. But just standing there grinding his teeth won't achieve anything.

If he's not willing to do this then maybe he's not THAT fussed about her being there and your own doubts and fears are clouding your judgement. That's something you have to deal with yourself. I would have thought that 3 and a half years is long enough to build up trust in someone, though.

However, if she starts escalating this behaviour (like the quoted post), then obviously the circumstances change. But, from what you've told us so far, that's not the case. Yet, at least.

OS119

ilovetoblerone wrote: »

Recently she has been contacting him (on fb), showing up at our family parties that she wasn't invited to? just because her friends were!
I have never spoken to the girl but how do i let her know that she is being very thoughtless and what i consider rude, to think she can continue to include herself in our lives?

thank you for your time

the person who should be dealing with this is your OH - not just because she's his ex, but because the friends who, effectively, bring her along are more his friends than yours.

he should talk to them discretely and just say thay while he has no problem with them being friends with the ex, he doesn't want to have anything to do with her. it then becomes a very simple zero sum game - either the friends stop bringing the ex, or the friends still bring the ex, identify themselves as not really friends, and your OH ditches them.

the elephant in the room however is whether what your OH has told you about his attidude to his ex is different to what he has told his friends his attitude towards his ex is. if they, and she, don't know that she isn't welcome, they can hardly be blamed for not knowing that she isn't welcome.

ilovetoblerone

Thank you all for your comments...
When I say she is loud and dramatic I mean it in the sense that she could use this to get away with exaggerated behavior.
What if shes doing these things to get under our noses and make sure my bf doesn't forget her?? Its very sad and shes probably an insecure person.

I just want to be able to let her know, Im his future now and to forget about him!

leggo

ilovetoblerone wrote: »

Thank you all for your comments...
When I say she is loud and dramatic I mean it in the sense that she could use this to get away with exaggerated behavior.
What if shes doing these things to get under our noses and make sure my bf doesn't forget her?? Its very sad and shes probably an insecure person.

I just want to be able to let her know, Im his future now and to forget about him!

You shouldn't need to. If she's sad and insecure and you know you're his future, what's the REAL problem? I think it's more of a case that you want assurances from your boyfriend...taking what you say just at face value.

thecookingapple

People have a core strenght that they are not aware of until they need it, whether its because of reasurances from your bf or the fact that his ex is a pain, they only way to deal with this is by these ways.

With dignity

with self assurance

with humour

with grace

with a nonchalant attitude

Because you know your worth and you are the object of his affection and not her.

wishing you luck.