cant understand him

46w

I am a gay man, im in my mid 20s, Im in love with a bi-sexual guy. We have been having sex for the last 2 years. Now the time has come that I want to have a proper relationship with him. Ive asked him a few times will he try it out but each time he says "Idont know if im ready for that". He isnt out as being bi to anyone. My question is can a "bi" guy ever commit to a gay relationship, or am I being a fool hoping he will ever want me properly?

46w

How is it biphobic?... Its a straight forward question in my opinion. More of the stupid bloody political correctness gone wrong in this country!

Annasopra

I don't see this as being biphobia - more that the OP doesn't necessarily understand bisexuality. If he has misconceptions then perhaps people should explain what these are rather than jumping into call him biphobic. Anyway can we keep on topic and give calm reasonable advice.

I think whether the guy is gay or bi is irrelevant as to whether he is going to enter a committed relationship or not. 46w you need to talk to him more and if necessary give him an ultimatum.

Annasopra

Oh and also generally you shouldn't announce on a thread that you have reported a post as it derails the thread and takes it completely off topic. As I said earlier can we keep this thread on topic from now on.

Morag

46w yes bisexual people can commit and be monogamous with one partner and be happy.

The idea that bisexual people can't is wrong and one of the many myths which are hurtfully bandied about by people. Tbh when you've had it said to you time after time it gets insulting and offensive.

Yes a same gender relationship may be considered by some to be harder to maintain with more obstacles then a opposite gender relationship but all relationships take work, time and commitment.

I now more bi people who are in long term same gender relationships then who are in opposite gender relationships, as those are the people they fell in love with, wanted to be with and accept them for who they are.

Sounds like your guy like you but has no idea how to go about being in a relationship with you. Often people grow up and their ideas of what happens between two people who are dating or are in a relationship are based on a heterosexual model and they have no idea even where to start.

Also it sounds like he'd not accepting of who he is and hasn't considered telling family where as after 2 year if I was you I'd be pissed at being his hidden lover and not a part of his life. No one likes being someone's 'dirty' secret.

I don't think the issue is that he's bisexual I think it is that he hasn't gotten his head around it and is afraid what coming out will to do the rest of his life.

So you need to look at what you want from him, what sort of a relationship, what you are willing to put up with and what you are willing do to, to work with him.
If that's all to much and he won't compromise then you need to look at your life and your happiness.

diddlybit

OP it appears that the issue isn't his bisexuality, but rather his unwillingness to committ. Though it may look like a symptom of his bisexuality, as the sterotypes reinforce a lot of assumptions about poor behavior, it really isn't. Though, honestly, as a bisexual myself I can see where you are coming from. I spent a long time in the closet as a result of my sexuality, as it meant that I was hoping that I could "pass" as straight. (Which I couldn't. :rolleyes:)


Is he unwilling to come out full stop and do any of his friends and family know that he's bisexual? He may a little bit of support as he is scared of letting others know that he also fancies men. Talk to him about it frankly, and if he refuses to commit, move on. Life's too short and best of luck with your situation.

Aard

OP, my boyfriend is bisexual and we've been together for a long time now. It really has little bearing on commitment to one sex or the other. More than likely he's just not ready for commitment in general.


Oh, and please don't be put off by the gracious welcome. Keep coming back to post some more!

Doop

I was seeing a bi guy for awhile, we were never a couple in the proper sense of the word, he was very much in the closet, (and not likely to come out) and I think this invariably leads to physical only type relationship. In the end I was bored of it wanted a proper relationship. So just cut the cord, luckily I wasnt 'in love' with him or anything, so wasnt upset about it really.

That said, I could have had the very same sceniro with a gay guy who wasnt out.

I think its a legitimate question OP.
Being gay myself I dont know how some bi people operate, maybe some can answer here... I would be under the impression (quite possibly wrongly) that there are plenty of bi people of there, who will most likely end up going down the road of long term relationships with the opposite sex, because its easier and ad-hears to social expectations.
Sharrow's post would lead me to believe that im probably wrong!

Annasopra

Hi folks

can we keep this on topic - ie giving the poster advice or perhaps challenging misconceptions. Discussions about biphobia are completely off topic and will be deleted.

filmbuffboy

OP, you began 'relations' with this lad on a sexual basis. why do you think he will want anything more from you? it has nothing to do with his bisexuality and more to do with how the relationship started out. if he has no interest in a relationship with you then move on quickly. wait to find a lad that is interested in more than the odd shag.... thats my two cents anyways. hope it all works out whatever you decide.

46w

My God... you have some neck coming on here saying im biphobic. How can the fact that I asked a question mean Im biphobic? I didnt say that bi people arent capable of a relationship, I simply asked are they?

Annasopra

46w wrote: »

My God... you have some neck coming on here saying im biphobic. How can the fact that I asked a question mean Im biphobic? I didnt say that bi people arent capable of a relationship, I simply asked are they?

Hi 46w

Ive asked Deirdre and others to refrain from getting a discussion regarding biphobia because I think that that might get unnecessarily antagonistic. I understand you are somewhat angry at Deirdres intervention but as I said above can we all please discuss this calmly? - Deirdre and 46w - Can I ask you specifically not to have a go at each other?

As regards your question about bisexuals. I dont think that you can generalise at all. Some can't commit - some can.

46w

I think you maybe right about him not wanting to commit to any relationship, gay or straight. Im afraid to give him an ultimatum in case I loose him, but I suppose its what Im goin to have to do. I cant keep up just a sexual relationship with him. I think about him now most of the time, I think I love him. Then again I think maybe Im being selfish, for the first 20 months of this "thing" we have, all I wanted was a sexual relationship, I wasnt interested in anymore until I fell for him.
I want it sorted soon , but sorted in a way that im happy with... ie us being together. The more I think about it tho the less likely this is to happen.
Off topic part of post deleted by JMG

Goodshape

The answer is yes they can, of course. Being bisexual doesn't having anything to do with commitment or a lack of it.

Is this person capable of a committed relationship? Only they can answer that. Everyone is different.

Off topic part of post deleted by JMG

Aard

You'll probably find that the more each of you want different things, the more likely the f.uck-buddy aspect of the relationship will fizzle out. Either you'll end up as
- friends
- boyfriends
- "used to be" friends.

He seems to not want to be in a committed relationship, so that leaves becoming just friends, or parting ways. It'll, unfortunately, probably be up to you to decide.

common sense brigade

I cannot see why he as a Bi sexual person could not commit to a relationship with you. If he loves you and you want the same things from life. The issue at the moment seems to be that he is not ready to commit to a relationship with any sex. He might just need more time. Talk over your fears with him and go from there.

Then again I think maybe Im being selfish, for the first 20 months of this "thing" we have, all I wanted was a sexual relationship, I wasnt interested in anymore until I fell for him.

By your own admission you acted aloof at the beginning of this relationship and you yourslef did not want a committment. He may have built up a wall to protect himself from hurt also. I think you should tell him that you are sorry you didnt realise sooner what he means to you and that you want to make it up to him. And dont just say the words, treat him better, woo him, spoil him. Dont loose him without a good old fashioned Romantic fight!
Best of Luck.
Off topic part of post deleted by JMG

Annasopra

Hi Guys

Deirdres comments are off topic I am deleting discussion on them in order to keep this discussion calm. Any issues with this then send me a PM

Aishae

hi OP - it sounds like he just doesnt know how he feels about coming out to the world at large - as he's been happily cocooned in secrecy for a good spell.
or it could be he just has some commitment issues - you get that across all across the board.
either way i think you need to try get him to figure out what the problem is on his end. being asked about it might force him to really think about it and confront it. especially if he realises that he could lose you. (that's if he has feelings like you do - underneath)

but also forcing him to think - however gently you approach it - may give you an answer you dont like. so you'd end up parting ways or just being friends. however, if thats how he really feels maybe it'd be for the best - to know where you really stand and free you up to persue other avenues if this turns out to be the case.

DubArk

46w wrote: »

I am a gay man, im in my mid 20s, Im in love with a bi-sexual guy. We have been having sex for the last 2 years. Now the time has come that I want to have a proper relationship with him. Ive asked him a few times will he try it out but each time he says "Idont know if im ready for that". He isnt out as being bi to anyone. My question is can a "bi" guy ever commit to a gay relationship, or am I being a fool hoping he will ever want me properly?

When I met my partner they had been in a relationship with woman/women before me and had gone out with a few men before her/them. Although I (Man) at the time was very resistant to get involved with him, as I felt he needed to commit to one label (Gay/Bi) or another at that time; he refused point-blank to be labelled as a gay man, just to put my uniformed mind at rest. I still don’t know if he would call himself a bi-sexual man or a gay man but he’s my man and we have been partners for 26 years.
The issue of him not wanting to commit to a relation with you is much deeper and I would hazard a guess, him been in the closet is the main one. There may be many other reasons but that ones not a good foundation for a successful relationship. Hope things work out for you guys!

baby and crumble

DubArk wrote:

I still don’t know if he would call himself a bi-sexual man or a gay man but he’s my man

And that's exactly it. My partner is bisexual and at the start of our relationship I would have been very insecure about her being bi. I believed all the stereotypes, and have happily had them all proven wrong. I agree with the other posters who are talking about his reluctance to commit as exactly that, not as a result of his bisexuality.

When relationships start out as purely physical, it's rare they change into something deeper, simply because it's rare for 2 people who were in it for a casual thing to both develop deeper feelings for the other on the same timescale. Perhaps this is th root of the problem here.

(Also totally off topic, but dang I really want to know what all the hullabloo was about earlier in the thread!!!! )

Morag

common sense brigade wrote: »

I think you should tell him that you are sorry you didnt realise sooner what he means to you and that you want to make it up to him. And dont just say the words, treat him better, woo him, spoil him. Dont loose him without a good old fashioned Romantic fight!
Best of Luck.

This

If you want to change the nature of the relationship then start with small romantic caring gestures, woo him. I know I could not just walk away from someone I care for with out a fight and it doens't have to be rows and arguements

foggy_lad

Sounds like he is enjoying the sex and doesn't want any more than that. The op is probably best to stop seeing/meeting him and move on to someone who wants the same thing.

azezil

I say give it more time, as you said yourself it took you 20 months to realise you'd more feelings than you initially thought. In time he may very well arrive at the same conclusion.

TylerIE

46w wrote: »

I am a gay man, im in my mid 20s, Im in love with a bi-sexual guy. We have been having sex for the last 2 years. Now the time has come that I want to have a proper relationship with him. Ive asked him a few times will he try it out but each time he says "Idont know if im ready for that". He isnt out as being bi to anyone. My question is can a "bi" guy ever commit to a gay relationship, or am I being a fool hoping he will ever want me properly?

Perhaps as JMG said you do need to let him know how you feel. He could remain "not ready" for years and leave you also "not ready". The same applies if hes gay, straight (And you were the opposite gender), or bi, he may just not be ready for a relationship.

<ready for snip from here if needed>

In the past I did have preconcieved notions about people who were bi. Thankfully I now have a number of friends who for some time after I met them I assumed were gay as anytime I seen them they were interested in people of the same sex, or talking about same-sex ex's etc.

I found out by chance then that a number of them are bi! Thinking about three of them in particular its a case of they are essentially into guys and girls but will enter relationships with those who they find attractive - regardless of gender.

<end snip-able area>

stephen_n

Is his sexuality an issue no it's not simple as that!

However his security may well be. Being bi gives you the option of being less open about your sexuality in some senses, entering into a committed relationship with a guy however will define him as gay to the outside world and this may cause him a huge problem if he is not secure in himself! You will get a lot of opinions on here from the aggressive militant to the passive but in all fairness untill you ask him what his feelings about being in a committed same sex relationship it will all mean nothing, just my opinion on your situation!