Coming out to Younger Siblings...

Brods

Hey,

I'm a 23 year old guy, I came out to my parents this time last year and to all my friends over the next few months. Everyone was great about it and I can't imagine not being out now. The only problem is that I haven't told my younger brother yet...

He's 13, really smart, a very nice kid but he's very quiet and is having some problems in school. The usual not-so-sporty-nerdy kind of problems and doesn't seem to find making friends easy. Reminds me a lot of myself and in all honesty, I woudn't be surprised if he turned out to be gay too.

I don't know if there's a right or a wrong age to come out to him or if I should wait til he's a bit happier in himself. I want to tell him because a) it might help him if he is gay and b) not telling him makes being gay an issue/something to keep secret which it shouldn't be. In a perfect world, I'd wait another year or two but I don't want him to hear it from someone else (My friends have brothers his age and it could fairly easily filter back) or have kids in his year tease him about it (or if they do slag him about it, I'd rather have him able to stand up and say "So what!")

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this or experiences themselves.

Thanks

Chuchoter

My brother is just gone 14 in the last month and I don't intend on telling him until he's 16/17 because I think he's too immature to deal with it atm.

TylerIE

The significant other told his 12 yr old brother when he (the younger brother) was just starting secondary school.

He took it brilliantly (perhaps the best reaction of all his family) and just feels he doesnt want it announced to all his school friends yet. His mother hadnt wanted to tell him but there was no need for her fear.

We felt that part of it is that he hasnt had a chance to build up a homophobic secondary school macho attitude yet so its just no biggie to him. Its kinda like the kids who grow up with lesbian aunts/ gay uncles cousins etc - they never knew otherwise so its no biggie.

Probably better he hears it of you sooner rather than later, but obviously just when your ready. Plus like you said if hes gay, he has a friend. And if anyone in his school is gay there will be one boy in the class who wont be taking the proverbial of them.

Sir Ophiuchus

I'm 24, my little brother's 13, and my parents won't let me come out to him. I think they're really wrong about it, and it's caused some severe rifts in our relationship.

He keeps asking and suspecting, and I keep having to lie to him.

LGiamani

Brods wrote: »

Hey,

I'm a 23 year old guy, I came out to my parents this time last year and to all my friends over the next few months. Everyone was great about it and I can't imagine not being out now. The only problem is that I haven't told my younger brother yet...

He's 13, really smart, a very nice kid but he's very quiet and is having some problems in school. The usual not-so-sporty-nerdy kind of problems and doesn't seem to find making friends easy. Reminds me a lot of myself and in all honesty, I woudn't be surprised if he turned out to be gay too.

I don't know if there's a right or a wrong age to come out to him or if I should wait til he's a bit happier in himself. I want to tell him because a) it might help him if he is gay and b) not telling him makes being gay an issue/something to keep secret which it shouldn't be. In a perfect world, I'd wait another year or two but I don't want him to hear it from someone else (My friends have brothers his age and it could fairly easily filter back) or have kids in his year tease him about it (or if they do slag him about it, I'd rather have him able to stand up and say "So what!")

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this or experiences themselves.

Thanks

From what you describe of him it seems you brother may not be in a position to be told as of yet. He may not be emotionally mature for such an event in his young life. Why do'nt you give him a helping hand with making friends with kids his age who have similar intrests to himself and he will become a happier kid for the short to mediun term and maybe drop hints to him later on to see what the lie of the land is. Fair play to you for having the strength of coming out and being so mature about it and thinking of others and not yourself.

diddlybit

My sister always knew (or suspected about me.) She me very, very drunk one night by feeding me lots of wine (very out of character as she would normally keep it all to herself) when I was ninteen and she was seveteen. Then she just asked me straight out, to which I replied "Of course I am." She then said, "That's all I needed to know" then headed off to bed.

OP, do you think that your brother has any suspicions in regards to your sexuality? Because he could already know, especially if you are out to the rest of your family and circle of friends. Maybe if you have a chat with your parents about it and get their opinions on it and why they won't let you come out to him. But honestly, I think you will know when is the right time to tell him. I think the attitude of your parents is the more pressing issue.

letsbehonest

Hi! I'm 18!
I'm kind of questioning my sexuality. My brother who is 28 is gay.
He came out to me a few months ago. I kind of guessed anyway and I told him I accepted him and it was okay.
Ever since tough I've being feeling awkward around him! So, what I am saying is if you tell him about it don't make a big deal of it and just move on.

hotmail.com

Tell them straight away, why shouldn't kids know about gay people if it's normal?

Parents not letting younger siblings know is a touch of homophobia if you ask me.

Brods

diddlybit wrote: »

OP, do you think that your brother has any suspicions in regards to your sexuality? Because he could already know, especially if you are out to the rest of your family and circle of friends.

I woudn't say so, out of all my friends and everyone I've told only my mum ever suspected... I also don't live at home so I don't think he'd have much insight into my life.

LGiamani wrote: »

From what you describe of him it seems you brother may not be in a position to be told as of yet. He may not be emotionally mature for such an event in his young life. Why do'nt you give him a helping hand with making friends with kids his age who have similar intrests to himself and he will become a happier kid for the short to mediun term and maybe drop hints to him later on to see what the lie of the land is.

Yea, see... The thing is I think he will be able to handle it. He's incredibly mature for a 13 year old and very sensitive so I imagine him being ok with it. At the moment he’s doing a project on Michaelangelo and came out with “He was a homosexual” when Dad asked him for an interesting fact to put into his project! Mum and Dad started asking him what he thought about it... “It’s ok but it’d be the Dad who takes it hardest if his son is gay.... But I’m not gay so it doesn’t matter.” I dunno what to think about the last bit but if it was me at 13 there’s no way I’d have been comfortable talking about homosexuality.
I have been trying to spend more time with him to try and help him with what he has going on too... but it’s hard to build up his confidence.

diddlybit wrote: »

I think the attitude of your parents is the more pressing issue.

hotmail.com wrote: »

Parents not letting younger siblings know is a touch of homophobia if you ask me.

I never mentioned my parents, that was Sir Ophicus...I asked my parents about it and they’ve come around to thinking I should tell him. Dad wasn’t so keen on it at first “He’s too young” etc but Mum always wanted me to tell him now. She said it was me who wasn’t ready to tell him last year ( But I don’t remember it that way at all...)

Anyway, I think I should tell him now but just not sure how to broach the subject. The word gay has such negative connotations for children these days but I don’t like the word homosexual for some reason. Should I go down the lines of “Do you know what gay means?” “What do you think about gay people” etc etc I don’t want it to come across as me questioning his sexuality at all so I’d be tentative about saying “If you ever need to talk about this, I’m here” kinda thing. Any ideas?

Aishae

its a bit of an odd one hiding it from the kids who arent under 10 - i dont have younger siblings but there are a few kids who are really close to my folks so theyre like sibs. i dont hide it but i dont make a big deal of it. i wouldnt sit them down to explain it unless they asked me to but i wouldnt try to dodge the topic either - if they have questions id answer. but thats because i dont want them growing up with a picture in their minds of me being this mysterious creature who's gay - and - 'gay must be a dirty thing thats wrong if i was never told about it'.

that said - its something you have to take on a case by case basis. what one set of kids can handle would freak out another kid. depends a lot on their education, the education they got from their parents too, things they were or werent exposed to when growing up etc.

your brother sounds like he has his head on his shoulders OP. he's gone quiet though. it might be a good idea to try and address why before you come out. maybe he's being bullied for example?

diddlybit

Brods wrote: »

I never mentioned my parents, that was Sir Ophicus...I asked my parents about it and they’ve come around to thinking I should tell him. Dad wasn’t so keen on it at first “He’s too young” etc but Mum always wanted me to tell him now. She said it was me who wasn’t ready to tell him last year ( But I don’t remember it that way at all...)

Apologies, mis-read the thread. It's great that you have the support of your parents, and you sound like a very considerate individual to be so worried about your brother's situation.

"Gay" does have negative connontations but I think that most teenagers can differenciate between "gay" i.e. crap and "gay" as in a sexual identity. If he is a mature thirteen year old, I don't think that you are going to have any problems. Just sit him down for a brotherly chat and maybe start with his problems in school. Get him to confide in you and then confide in him, it could make him feel as though it's a conversation between two equals.

azezil

My nephew found out when he was 10yrs old when he saw me kissing my then bf, I was 23. He was shocked at first and cried because he was afraid his gran (my mother) would find out lol...

I wanted to tell him myself as I'd already told all my family and friends but his mother felt he was too young (imo she has issues with sexuality but saying that to her causes no end of arguments, but that's another story :rolleyes: ). He took it far better than his mother did and assured me I was still his favourite uncle.

5yrs later he came out himself! :pac:

cgcsb

crayolastereo wrote: »

My brother is just gone 14 in the last month and I don't intend on telling him until he's 16/17 because I think he's too immature to deal with it atm.

For heaven's sake, I was 14 when I came out, I also had a job. He's not a baby. Why is it that we must wrap young men in cotton wool and protect them from the world? With that attitude, kids would never grow up. At that age he knows what a homosexual is.

Cat Melodeon

I know 13-year olds who are already in relationships, having sex, and dealing with all sorts of adult pressures. Your brother may not be one of those teens, but he will be aware of those in his peer group who have already become sexualised. Kids his age throw around the word gay at anyone who is a bit different. Get in there before adolescence spoils him. If your mum and dad are okay with it, just tell him. It'll be one less mystery for him to deal with. Just tell him you like boys, you don't have to say gay or homosexual or whatever. Most kids these days know what it means and if you and the rest of the family just treat it as normal, it will be normal for him.

Aard

Tell him. It'll improve your relationship; at the very least you won't feel like you're lying to him. Also he'll probably find out through peers anyway, so best treat him like a man and have him find out from you. Also, a more general reason, the sooner homosexuality becomes "normal" for him the better -- it sounds like he's awkward enough without having hang-ups about sexual orientation.

When you tell him, just put it matter of factly. "I'm not really into girls" is what I still use if I'm asked. This might be better if you want to avoid the word "gay", or indeed any label. He obviously knows what the word means in theory, but I doubt he has any real-life frame of reference for it yet. Keeping the conversation "no big deal" is likely to make the whole thing relatively non-eventful.

TylerIE

Brods wrote: »

Anyway, I think I should tell him now but just not sure how to broach the subject. The word gay has such negative connotations for children these days but I don’t like the word homosexual for some reason. Should I go down the lines of “Do you know what gay means?” “What do you think about gay people” etc etc I don’t want it to come across as me questioning his sexuality at all so I’d be tentative about saying “If you ever need to talk about this, I’m here” kinda thing. Any ideas?

I wouldnt go down the road of "do you know what gay is" as its bringing in a label. Your his brother, who happens to like other guys and not girls. If he knows what being gay is it may bring up negative stereotypes or he may pretend to or may panic thinking your asking is he gay.


I'v never said "im gay" or used the word "gay" when "coming out" to anybody.

Perhaps say (relating it to something on TV or topical if possible - e.g. Prince William and Kate Middletons wedding if its on the news or a paper nearby) "just so ya know I wont be having a wedding like that" and go to "cause ya cant get married to a fella yet" or similar.

Or if ye know anybody who is out, and he knows them state that your in the same position as them.

When telling my sister/brothers - It was just an email saying "just so you know I wont be getting married in the traditional sense". The other half said something like "what would you think If I had a boyfriend now".

If a 12 yr old can understand that a girlfriend is a special friend, then a boyfriend is no different, just a little less common.

easychair

Sir Ophiuchus wrote: »

I'm 24, my little brother's 13, and my parents won't let me come out to him. I think they're really wrong about it, and it's caused some severe rifts in our relationship.

He keeps asking and suspecting, and I keep having to lie to him.

I've always thought that to be gay is to be normal, and don't understand why your parents think they have a veto over what you tell your siblings.

Certainly, I wouldn't lie to anyone, and if my parents, or anyone else, asked me to lie to someone for whatever reason, I'd refuse and consider it much worse to lie to one of my siblings, rather than disagree with my parents.

When my niece, aged 7, was asked by her parents if she knew what it was to be gay ( my niece used the term), my niece replied that it was just two men who loved each other. Which I thought rather wonderful!

When friends asked their two children, aged about 10 and 12, what proportion of people might be gay, they both replied "about half", which they thought showed that they had done something right in bringing up their children to believe to be gay is entirely normal.


We all are what we all are, and it's not fair of your parents to pressure you to lie,whether implicitly or explicitly, to anyone.

ninty9er

Not having any siblings or any close cousins in that age group I can't speak from experience, but if you say he's having some problems in school you could take a protective big brother approach with an "it's not because I'm gay, is it?" and then let him lead the conversation from there.

If it is then you can help him deal with that and if it isn't he might tell you what the actual problem is, in which case you're going t have to be his protective big brother anyway.

Quatro24

Hey,

I told my little bro when he was 13. Im female so it was a little diff. Having said that in some ways I think it made it hard for him cos of previous events within the family (my parents split, my sis marriage failed) and therefore at the time he was very close to my ex (boyf).

Putting all that aside tho and getting down to the basics of me telling him at 13 I think, for us anyway, it was a good age. He accepted it and I was glad I did it as although I dont live at home either we do come from a small town and I would have been gutted if he heard from someone else or in school.
When I told him I just said I liked girls and it didn change me but I wanted him to know. I also told him that I wouldnt make public gestures of affection towards my gf in front of his friends and he was cool! Its not that I was hiding it but at that age I think it reassured him that he could tell his own friends if and when he wanted.

I know a lot of people may disagree with how I did it but it worked for us.
He now feels like he can talk to me a lot more and always comes to me with questions he has.
He is only 14 now so it was only last year but its like nothing ever changed with us. We wer always close and still are.
He is even coming on hols with myself and my gf next week.

I really do wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out with watever you decide.
As stated by another post it is great that you do have such consideration for his feelings.

hotmail.com

Quatro24 wrote: »

Hey,

I told my little bro when he was 13. Im female so it was a little diff. Having said that in some ways I think it made it hard for him cos of previous events within the family (my parents split, my sis marriage failed) and therefore at the time he was very close to my ex (boyf).

Putting all that aside tho and getting down to the basics of me telling him at 13 I think, for us anyway, it was a good age. He accepted it and I was glad I did it as although I dont live at home either we do come from a small town and I would have been gutted if he heard from someone else or in school.
When I told him I just said I liked girls and it didn change me but I wanted him to know. I also told him that I wouldnt make public gestures of affection towards my gf in front of his friends and he was cool! Its not that I was hiding it but at that age I think it reassured him that he could tell his own friends if and when he wanted.

I know a lot of people may disagree with how I did it but it worked for us.
He now feels like he can talk to me a lot more and always comes to me with questions he has.
He is only 14 now so it was only last year but its like nothing ever changed with us. We wer always close and still are.
He is even coming on hols with myself and my gf next week.

I really do wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out with watever you decide.
As stated by another post it is great that you do have such consideration for his feelings.

Talk about making a big deal out of nothing!

Liking people of the same sex = normal and not an issue.

Although I did hear that if kids know about gay people from a young age, it might, just might, increase their tolerance of gay people. That would be a terrible thing to happen.