my boyfriend is a racist

LegacyUser

Hi there I am very much in love with my boyfriend, we are planning a fabulous long life together with kids and all the things that go with it. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had and I am very happy with him. There is a problem though that's testing my morals and who I claim to be. He is a fantastic guy and so so good to me, the only problem is that not too deep below the surface he is ..... racist, homophobic, xenophobic, chauvenistic and basically only likes or has he puts it has a preference (not sexually!!) for white christian men!! I've been trying to understand why people are racist and why he might be so ignorant when he comes from a seemingly nice family and he has a good education????

Stheno

moved from tLL

IrishEyes19

Hi, OP, I dont think it always has everything to do with upbringing how our values turn out, now it certainly has an impact, even looking at my own views as a child, they were certainly influenced by the views of my parents naturally, but as I grew up my parents allowed me the space to develop my own.

I think this is probably the case here, you can condition a child only so far before they want to decide things for themselves and you know books, films, clubs, friends they are all an influence on our values. your bf is the way he is, Im afraid, and I, the same as you, would find his views very difficult to deal with if it proved uncomfortable on nights out, or around other people or simply offensive to your own self. I wouldnt continue the relationship to be honest for all the complications it could bring, I dont know how old you are but if you see the relationship as marriage serious and kids serious. how would he react if one of your children told you they were homosexual or seeing someone who wasnt the ideal colour, race, religion your bf prefers. there are a lot of factors to consider here

LegacyUser

im in my 30's and we were thinking about starting a family soon, I have asked him that same question before and he would probably come to terms with a gay son or daughter although not be happy about it. I am devastated as I adore him and apart from this he is a fantastic guy.

Elphaba

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I, the same as you, would find his views very difficult to deal with if it proved uncomfortable on nights out, or around other people or simply offensive to your own self. I wouldnt continue the relationship to be honest for all the complications it could bring, I dont know how old you are but if you see the relationship as marriage serious and kids serious. how would he react if one of your children told you they were homosexual or seeing someone who wasnt the ideal colour, race, religion your bf prefers. there are a lot of factors to consider here

I'd have to agree with IrishEyes here. It's quite possibly something that will rear it's ugly head again and again. Even if you ae prepared to put up with it, your friends and family may not and I wouldn't blame them. Still, it's a difficult situation for you when you love him. Have you spoken to him about your feelings or what did you say the first time you realised he felt this way?

LegacyUser

Elphaba wrote: »

I'd have to agree with IrishEyes here. It's quite possibly something that will rear it's ugly head again and again. Even if you ae prepared to put up with it, your friends and family may not and I wouldn't blame them. Still, it's a difficult situation for you when you love him. Have you spoken to him about your feelings or what did you say the first time you realised he felt this way?

He just thinks he has his opinions and I have mine and doesnt see it as a problem...

LegacyUser

Hey there,
i'm on the other side of this. my bro in-law is definitely homophobic and racist. i'm gay and we just don't talk about it because i know how he feels. i honestly feel very uncomfortable around him. he never makes eye contact with me or really just makes small talk... i'm quite 'manly' and try to talk to him about sports and that but it's clear he just doesn't care to have a friendship with me. his hard luck!

i def think this will become a problem as it is a problem in our family. this guy is also a chauvenistic prikk and my sister is heavily pregnant at the moment and he is just not treating her the way i'd have wanted her looked after. she laughs it off and then makes a huge dinner for him and his friends.

i'll prob end up hitting him one day

(god love me if i do! he's much bigger than me!)

tenchi-fan

kittykat 573 wrote: »

He is a fantastic guy and so so good to me, the only problem is that not too deep below the surface he is ..... racist, homophobic, xenophobic, chauvenistic and basically only likes or has he puts it has a preference (not sexually!!) for white christian men!! I've been trying to understand why people are racist and why he might be so ignorant when he comes from a seemingly nice family and he has a good education????

Right-wing people, who promote personal responsibility, gender roles and traditional values and abhor welfare systems that leave themselves open to fraud and abuse (by immigrants and unmarried mothers, for example), can often come across as racist and sexist.

The biggest favour your boyfriend can do for himself is to keep his opinions to himself.

Moomoo1

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Right-wing people, who promote personal responsibility, gender roles and traditional values and abhor welfare systems that leave themselves open to fraud and abuse (by immigrants and unmarried mothers, for example), can often come across as racist and sexist.

I wouldn't think you can mistake a libertarian/ultra-conservative for a racist - libertarians don't tend to _personally_ dislike people on the basis of race (they'll have a moan about illegal immigrants on benefits but won't refuse to be friends with anyone non-white). And most 'proper' racists bemoan the lack of support that (white) mothers get from the state with raising (white) children.

Both are of course equally problematic if you don't subscribe to their viewpoint...

ziedth

I would personally enjoy a dodgy joke be it a bit Racist etc so I'm by no means preaching. But, people who are racist and homophobic in this day and age (particularly anyone "young") I would honestly have no time for.

Of course it all depends on how Racist he is too. Like would he rant or make an issue of something weekly? What kind of things does he say?

Then there is the issue of what if down the line your child was gay or had a black OH. How would he react? If I thought for one second that my OH would disown their child for something like that I'd be gone in a flash ya know?

inexperienced

have you ever discussed/debated with him seriously about the issues ?

do you think his 'preference' is very strong?

do you know why he has these 'preferences'? what's his base?

has he ever had any experienced contacting/ made friends with non- white non- believers?

if he goes to church, indeed, there are a few churches in dublin that are multi-national, it's a good chance to mix with other people in the world.

if he is a Christian, he should know that Jewish is the chosen ones instead of the whites, and if there was really the 'priority', white would not be the first (and there isn't and i am not Jewish).

tbh, in the long go, you would not feel comfortable with him no matter how lovely he is treating you if these fundamental beliefs are so different between you twos.

talk with him and see whether you guys can find points in common (about these beliefs) and start from there.

Zebra3

inexperienced wrote: »

if he is a Christian, he should know that Jewish is the chosen ones

Really? :rolleyes:

dudara

Zebra3 - and other posters Do not start the religion debate

dudara

SerialComplaint

It will be very, very difficult to have a stable relationship with someone who's value system is completely different to yours. It doesn't even have to be the big issues, just minor ones about which kids to invite to birthday parties could suddenly become very problematic if racism comes into play.

John Mason

when you have children they will be going to school with all nationalities and creeds.

how do you think he will cope with your children having friends with children from different countries?

how would be hope if they brought home a girlfriend/boyfriend who was not a white christian?

also if he is going to teach your children his views, this is not going to be turn out well for your children.

we live in a multicultural society - you have to think about how your bf's views are going to shape your and your childrens futures.

HugoDrax

Well if he is a Christian then ask him why he doesn't love his neighbor?

Ickle Magoo

How can he be wonderful and yet irrationally hateful? How can he be a wonderful boyfriend who can support and balance you if he's a chauvinist? I think you have to take the rose-tinted specs off for a bit and see what you are really accepting as part of your life.

You will have a life-time of hearing about those kind of views or even witnessing or fighting about trying to pass on those views to children - is that really what you want out of life? IME the most healthy, happy relationships are between people who share core values, there are millions of potential mates in the world, there is absolutely no reason to sell yourself short here.

All the best.

Elphaba

ontheotherside wrote: »

Hey there,
i'm on the other side of this. my bro in-law is definitely homophobic and racist. i'm gay and we just don't talk about it because i know how he feels. i honestly feel very uncomfortable around him. he never makes eye contact with me or really just makes small talk... i'm quite 'manly' and try to talk to him about sports and that but it's clear he just doesn't care to have a friendship with me. his hard luck!

i def think this will become a problem as it is a problem in our family. this guy is also a chauvenistic prikk and my sister is heavily pregnant at the moment and he is just not treating her the way i'd have wanted her looked after. she laughs it off and then makes a huge dinner for him and his friends.

i'll prob end up hitting him one day

(god love me if i do! he's much bigger than me!)

I feel for you, my sister-in-law was not a nice person and caused so many problems in the family. Thankfully my brother and her are seperated now. Glad you have the right view - it's his loss if he doesn't want to have any sort of relationship with you when you're willing to make the effort.

Ickle Magoo

Elpheba warned for inappropriate language.

Please reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner - it is not necessary to use crass language in order to get your point across.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

WindSock

If you both don't see eye to eye on how people should be treated, how are you going to manage to bring up your kids properly? Ask yourself is he honestly a person you could live with and tolerate his intolerance for the rest of your days, because if you can't, get out now before you get up the duff.

Also, how racist/homophobic/chauvanistic is he? All too often people say a person is, when really they are just a little insensitive to some issues.

LegacyUser

I think you should really reconsider this man for the sake of your future kids. What if one of your son was to turn out gay? what if one of your children fell in love with a person from a different race/religon/nationality? Is your partner going to breed his hatred into your childen?

Elphaba

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Elpheba warned for inappropriate language.

Please reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner - it is not necessary to use crass language in order to get your point across.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

Sorry That's literally the only time I ever use that phrase when it's to do with that person. Apologies for any offence to anyone else.

Chinafoot

kittykat 573 wrote: »

Hi there I am very much in love with my boyfriend, we are planning a fabulous long life together with kids and all the things that go with it. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had and I am very happy with him.

kittykat 573 wrote: »

the only problem is that not too deep below the surface he is ..... racist, homophobic, xenophobic, chauvenistic and basically only likes or has he puts it has a preference (not sexually!!) for white christian men!!

Sorry OP, but this just does not compute. How can you have a fabulous long life with children with this man when he is, by your own admission, racist, homophobic, xenophobic and chauvenistic?

kittykat 573 wrote: »

im in my 30's and we were thinking about starting a family soon, I have asked him that same question before and he would probably come to terms with a gay son or daughter although not be happy about it. I am devastated as I adore him and apart from this he is a fantastic guy.

I have to say, I really don't see how you can class someone who is racist and homophobic etc as a "fantastic guy". I don't think I could ever disregard such an enormous part of their character. His views on these things would influence his daily life and interactions massively, something that will become even more obvious when you have children.

kittykat 573 wrote: »

He just thinks he has his opinions and I have mine and doesnt see it as a problem...

I can pretty much guarantee that, unless your boyfriend expands that narrow mind of his, you will have an enormous problem when you bring children into the world.

Will you be expected to quit work permanently when you have children? Afterall, your role is in the home, right?

He's told you he won't be happy if he has a gay child. What if you have daughters who want to become scientists/doctors/engineers/soldiers? Will your chauvenistic partner allow that? Will you be happy to see your children suffer because of his ignorance? What if they fall in love with a non-white christian? What if they have friends of a different race? What if he passes those views on to your children and they turn out to be racist, chauvenistic, xenophobic, homophobes?

Your boyfriend isn't a "fantastic guy". You and any future children you might have deserve better than a life of ignorance, bigotry and hate.

thefeatheredcat

kittykat 573 wrote: »

There is a problem though that's testing my morals and who I claim to be. He is a fantastic guy and so so good to me, the only problem is that not too deep below the surface he is ..... racist, homophobic, xenophobic, chauvenistic and basically only likes or has he puts it has a preference (not sexually!!) for white christian men!! I've been trying to understand why people are racist and why he might be so ignorant when he comes from a seemingly nice family and he has a good education????

kittykat 573 wrote: »

I have asked him that same question before and he would probably come to terms with a gay son or daughter although not be happy about it.

kittykat 573 wrote: »

He just thinks he has his opinions and I have mine and doesnt see it as a problem...

That very first thing in bold is important that his views are testing your morals and who you claim to be as a person.

He may have his opinion, but do you yourself share in his opinion in any way or would be happy to play along with your opposite viewpoint while also accepting his viewpoint in the long term?

There's many ways that he can be like this, as already pointed out. But if you are to have a future together, you need to consider if you are happy to live by his viewpoint and also yours too.

If you're happy to have friends, or meet people in the future that are from different cultures with a different skin colour, or sexual orientation, is this going to be an issue for him to accept? Would he expect you to give up your friendship due to his views or would he respect your views enough to accept and extend friendship to them despite his own views?

It's possible that he can be a lovely person and a loving boyfriend, but what if it is the case that his views will become more important than yours and all decisions in your relationship are made by his views and not yours and how much will this influence not just you and your relationship, but the very foundation of your family life? Will you be happy? because that's the important thing here, will you be happy should it be that your children are only allowed have certain friends over but not others over even though they are also great friends and your children wish to have them over? And the same would apply for yourself.

joseywhales

Where to begin.
I am white and a man and I prefer to hang out with and trust white males more than any other sex or race, not because i have a hatred of any other race but because I am most familiar with white males, white males are my friends, I trust most white males to the level you can trust a stranger.

I get annoyed(not hate), just annoyed when, for example I live in Toronto, a load of Canasians stand in front of me in the street and talk very loadly and wander side to side, interrupting my day, listening to terrible synth music and basically idolising bull**** pop culture. This is a small thing, they just annoy me and I may occassional complain about it to my close friends but I don't deride their whole culture. I certainly would not care if one of my potential kids went out with one.

I get annoyed when completely flamboyant homosexual men force me into a conversation with them, I don't share the same interests, I have no common ground usually. I don't hate them, I'm just not willing to make the effort to overcome our differences to have what would probably be a pretty poor relationship.

I'm not friends with lots of women. I've found that in the past I couldn't trust them to the same extent as I could my male friends, who would not only keep a secret until their death but would actually have forgotten that you even told them within 10 minutes.

These are just my personal experiences. I don't hate any person based on some pre-determined notion but I m biased like all people and I've no problem admitting that and I'm not ashamed in the least.

It's easy to have black and white rules on paper but people like what they are familiar with and they cannot just decide to follow the moral consensus of society exactly. So long as they do not take away the dignity or rights of others.

I don't know how racist or homophobic your boyfriend is but all I can say is to try and look objectively at his actions. Are they the actions of a caring person, a person who would put someone they love ahead of their own needs? For me thats what matters most.

thecookingapple

With a family you have to defend them till the death, can you defend the indefensible?

wishing you the best.

Mighty_Mouse

He is the best boyfriend I have ever had and I am very happy with him. There is a problem though that's testing my morals and who I claim to be.

racist, homophobic, xenophobic, chauvenistic

I know plenty of guys who appear to be like this.
It's the result of being born into a white christian Ireland with little exposure to the outside world. He was probably sent to all boy christian school and never really introduced to girls, different cultures, never spent time living abroad etc
People socialise and interact through what they have in common. i.e. social background, sporting clubs, celeb gossip, politics, religion whatever.

Of course a white irish christian brothers guy is going to have differences with an indian, african, muslim guy and use humour (however crude) to exploit/explain this. Its the source of cracker/paddy/jew etc jokes.

But in reality, when these guys meet someone different to themselves, they see the person & not the skin colour. I've seen it on building sites, offices, markets, pubs, social circles etc. I don't know how many times I've heard "alright for a black-fella/russian/ pole/paki/langer/dub etc etc"

I guarantee you the same language is used when a bunch of african/american/dub's ( jackeens), cork (langers) refer to white guys.

I've also seen white racist Irish guys transformed through travel. It doesn't take long to realise people are people. They meet 1 cool black guy & the penney drops that you cannot judge an entire race as inherently anything

Political correctness demands that we don't even recognise the blatent differences between people & cultures. This is nuts. Expecting people in general not differentiate by race, colour, and creed when it comes to language is setting the bar too high.

The real crux of the issue is whether his prejudices part of his "lingo" or does he really hate?
Is this a language issue or has he undertaken any racist deeds?

Hazys

joseywhales wrote: »

I get annoyed(not hate), just annoyed when, for example I live in Toronto, a load of Canasians stand in front of me in the street and talk very loadly and wander side to side, interrupting my day, listening to terrible synth music and basically idolising bull**** pop culture. This is a small thing, they just annoy me and I may occassional complain about it to my close friends but I don't deride their whole culture. I certainly would not care if one of my potential kids went out with one.

So you dont get annoyed when white canadians stand in front of you in the street and talk very loadly and wander side to side, interrupting my day, listening to terrible synth music and basically idolising bull**** pop culture?

But i presume you do get annoyed at white people doing the same but because your issues wont let you see past race you get more annoyed at the behavour just beciase the people are asian...that makes you ignorant and a racist.

I dont see how justifing your racism contributes to the OP's problems.


OP people who are ignorant or racist are generally insecure about themselves. How could any secure person hate a person across the road from them that they dont even know?


Like Mighty_Mouse I believe people can change. I used to have a friend who was pretty racist when he started college, he was from the country and never really experienced life outside his small town and was pretty ignorant about most things (not just race) that were different to what he was used to. But college opened his eyes on most things.

The most significant moment was when we went on a lads' holiday in Spain and we went with a our friend who was studying in the UK and his friends (one was black). My friend was very cold towards the black guy at the start but by the end of the holiday he completely let go of his views and relised your man was good craic and not different to the rest of us.

But your BF is in his 30's now, at this stage how many opportunities has he had to change his views? how many more will he have? People are pretty set in their ways by mid-30's.

joseywhales

Hazys wrote: »

So you dont get annoyed when white canadians stand in front of you in the street and talk very loadly and wander side to side, interrupting my day, listening to terrible synth music and basically idolising bull**** pop culture?

But i presume you do get annoyed at white people doing the same but because your issues wont let you see past race you get more annoyed at the behavour just beciase the people are asian...that makes you ignorant and a racist.

I dont see how justifing your racism contributes to the OP's problems.


OP people who are ignorant or racist are generally insecure about themselves. How could any secure person hate a person across the road from them that they dont even know?


Like Mighty_Mouse I believe people can change. I used to have a friend who was pretty racist when he started college, he was from the country and never really experienced life outside his small town and was pretty ignorant about most things (not just race) that were different to what he was used to. But college opened his eyes on most things.

The most significant moment was when we went on a lads' holiday in Spain and we went with a our friend who was studying in the UK and his friends (one was black). My friend was very cold towards the black guy at the start but by the end of the holiday he completely let go of his views and relised your man was good craic and not different to the rest of us.

But your BF is in his 30's now, at this stage how many opportunities has he had to change his views? how many more will he have? People are pretty set in their ways by mid-30's.

You presume wrong. Most people in my experience who do it are asian, so I get annoyed and vent. Nor did I say that my feelings are morally inline with consensus but neither is anyone elses. If that is the definition of racism then i am racist and very comfortable.

Anyway this is not my thread and my point was that if he cares enough about you to put you before himself then the fact that he is racist is null and void. In this case he would take your concerns into account and not make you uncomfortable but he should not have to change who he is and neither should you.

Hazys

joseywhales wrote: »

You presume wrong. Most people in my experience who do it are asian, so I get annoyed and vent. Nor did I say that my feelings are morally inline with consensus but neither is anyone elses. If that is the definition of racism then i am racist and very comfortable.

Anyway this is not my thread and my point was that if he cares enough about you to put you before himself then the fact that he is racist is null and void. In this case he would take your concerns into account and not make you uncomfortable but he should not have to change who he is and neither should you.

So if a white person and an asian person do the same thing, its only actually annoying when the asian person does it?

So why did you bother even bother writing this rant if it isnt the issue?

stand in front of me in the street and talk very loadly and wander side to side, interrupting my day, listening to terrible synth music and basically idolising bull**** pop culture.

Why didn't you just write i hate asians?


I'm just trying to understand your logic. It seems like you are creating an issue that really doesnt bother you just to justify your hate, why would somebody do that?

joseywhales

Hazys wrote: »

So if a white person and an asian person do the same thing, its only actually annoying when the asian person does it?

So why did you bother even bother writing this rant if it isnt the issue?


Why didn't you just write i hate asians?


I'm just trying to understand your logic. It seems like you are creating an issue that really doesnt bother you just to justify your hate, why would somebody do that?

I never said or implied "if a white person and an asian person do the same thing, its only actually annoying when the asian person does it"

"So why did you bother even bother writing this rant if it isnt the issue?"
This is to highlight to the OP that sometimes what someone may percieve as hatred may in fact just be a lack of familiarity and maybe even a fear of the unkown in some cases and might not materialise at all to any kind of hatred or ill will toward any race or gender.

"Why didn't you just write i hate asians?"
Because I don't, why would I say something I don't believe?
Because it would completely contradict the fact that I said "I get annoyed(not hate), just annoyed when, for example I live in Toronto, a load of Canasians stand in front of me in the street and talk very loadly and wander side to side, interrupting my day, listening to terrible synth music and basically idolising bull**** pop culture."


"I'm just trying to understand your logic. It seems like you are creating an issue that really doesnt bother you just to justify your hate, why would somebody do that?"

I'm not trying to understand your logic. You have inferred not only that I hate but that I'm trying to justify my hate, and you have done it by asking questions which I have not answered.

Should have let his pass but it's annoying when someone implies that you hate asians just because you admit to complaining about a subset of a subset of them to your mate and for what they do not because of who they are or where they originate from.

This might further strengthen the point that I think that people find a slight bias=racism.
Like does he genuinely not believe in equal opertunity?
Is your boyfriend actually racist and sexist?
Could it just be slight conservatism?

It's easy for us to say it is completely unacceptable that he is racist and you should not live with this guy. Depending on your definition, it is unacceptable to be racist. But we don't know if the guy is actually racist or if the OP is testing the idea that he might be. Furthermore, just as he should care enough about you to put this behind him and befriend your friends and not make you feel uncomfortable or push his beliefs upon you, you too would have to be willing to allow him to indulge his stupidity(or whatever you want to call it) with his chauvanistic mates from time to time because that is who he is. Knowing that deep down he is a good caring guy who has a few vices.

To make this in anyway relevant to the thread, I repeat:

"This is to highlight to the OP that sometimes what someone may percieve as hatred may in fact just be a lack of familiarity and maybe even a fear of the unknown in some cases and might not materialise at all to any kind of hatred or ill will toward any race or gender."

" my point was that if he cares enough about you to put you before himself then the fact that he is racist is null and void. In this case he would take your concerns into account and not make you uncomfortable but he should not have to change who he is and neither should you."

Ickle Magoo

Hazys & joseywhales, take it to PM - this thread is for offering the OP advice and that doesn't mean carrying on a conversation between the two of you or about you and throwing in a token piece of advice to the OP at the end.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

LegacyUser

thanks guys for all your replies, in relation to my boyfriend he is not chauvinistic in the sence that he thinks a womans house is in the kitchen etc he basically thinks that women are boring to talk to becuase they dont enjoy talking about what he likes talking about which is sport (massive variety, not just the usual football etc) and politics. I should point out that he is not from this part of Europe he is from Eastern Europe. As far as the gay thing goes we have made some progress and he has now discovered that there are lots of nice "normal gays" as he puts it, it's the guys that tell him "what they would do to him" that he has a problem with. I think it's the queens that get to him. He is in the line of work where he comes accross lots of drunk gay men and I think they have been fairly rude to him. His basic poit is that he has never and would never say to a women the things that they have said to him. Anyways moving on from that one and onto the racist thing. He has acknowledged that racism is not good and not fair but he still thinks that whites should stay with whites and black with black he also very strongly believes that Muslims are going to take over Europe and start changing everything his examples is the removing of the crosses in Irish hospitals because it offends non Christians etc. He comes from Bosnia and so this is all very real to him. I personally think he has post traumatic stress or something but it still doesn't change anything. I am completely torn at the moment, not sure of what to do. I am terrified of people "finding" out his opinions and to be honest i think they have a fair idea he has never discussed it with anyone. He knows it's not really accepted in western Europe so keeps his mouth shut. Another shocking things is that although in no way does he condone what that Norwegian lunatic did there a couple of weeks ago he thinks he has a valid point. My boyfriend believes that in a few hundred years Europe will be no longer christian and that the Muslims will start to claim land etc He reads stuff like this alot.....<snip> he's not only afraid of Muslims though he's afraid of blacks as well and also has a major problem with Jewish but says that's more because of Palestine and what is happening there. I should also point out that my cousin is gay who is my best friend and he doesnt see a problem with her as she's a "normal gay"

Wompa1

kittykat 573 wrote: »

thanks guys for all your replies, in relation to my boyfriend he is not chauvinistic in the sence that he thinks a womans house is in the kitchen etc he basically thinks that women are boring to talk to becuase they dont enjoy talking about what he likes talking about which is sport (massive variety, not just the usual football etc) and politics. I should point out that he is not from this part of Europe he is from Eastern Europe. As far as the gay thing goes we have made some progress and he has now discovered that there are lots of nice "normal gays" as he puts it, it's the guys that tell him "what they would do to him" that he has a problem with. I think it's the queens that get to him. He is in the line of work where he comes accross lots of drunk gay men and I think they have been fairly rude to him. His basic poit is that he has never and would never say to a women the things that they have said to him. Anyways moving on from that one and onto the racist thing. He has acknowledged that racism is not good and not fair but he still thinks that whites should stay with whites and black with black he also very strongly believes that Muslims are going to take over Europe and start changing everything his examples is the removing of the crosses in Irish hospitals because it offends non Christians etc. He comes from Bosnia and so this is all very real to him. I personally think he has post traumatic stress or something but it still doesn't change anything. I am completely torn at the moment, not sure of what to do. I am terrified of people "finding" out his opinions and to be honest i think they have a fair idea he has never discussed it with anyone. He knows it's not really accepted in western Europe so keeps his mouth shut. Another shocking things is that although in no way does he condone what that Norwegian lunatic did there a couple of weeks ago he thinks he has a valid point. My boyfriend believes that in a few hundred years Europe will be no longer christian and that the Muslims will start to claim land etc He reads stuff like this alot.....<snip> he's not only afraid of Muslims though he's afraid of blacks as well and also has a major problem with Jewish but says that's more because of Palestine and what is happening there. I should also point out that my cousin is gay who is my best friend and he doesnt see a problem with her as she's a "normal gay"

Well the thing about the muslims taking over is theoretical possible since there's more and more each day, but does he see it as something that should be stopped and that all Muslims are extremists? Or if he generalizes does he actually believe everyone that is Muslim is bad? There's plenty of people in my town here that disagree with Israeli policies and seem to border on anti-semetic at times. I wouldn't consider myself homophobic but I too have become weary of camp gay men just from experience. An ex's friend felt me up on a night out which she thought was innocent but I thought was out of line, I've had lots of incidents of guys coming onto me and being very forward which makes me very uncomfortable, I'd feel the same if it was a woman though, I'm just not really into ONS. The Grinder application on phones makes me kind of weary too. I would definetely have a guard up against camp men but they can win me over..it sounds like your b/f is the same in that regard.

The Norweigan thing was probably an OTT Statement, or at least I hope it was

tenchi-fan

Op, I think you need to chill. He just has some conservative views. Ireland got a bit too liberal in the past few decades.

LittleBook

kittykat 573 wrote: »

He comes from Bosnia and so this is all very real to him. I personally think he has post traumatic stress or something but it still doesn't change anything. I am completely torn at the moment, not sure of what to do. I am terrified of people "finding" out his opinions and to be honest i think they have a fair idea he has never discussed it with anyone. He knows it's not really accepted in western Europe so keeps his mouth shut. Another shocking things is that although in no way does he condone what that Norwegian lunatic did there a couple of weeks ago he thinks he has a valid point. My boyfriend believes that in a few hundred years Europe will be no longer christian and that the Muslims will start to claim land etc He reads stuff like this alot.....<snip> he's not only afraid of Muslims though he's afraid of blacks as well and also has a major problem with Jewish but says that's more because of Palestine and what is happening there.

What do you mean by this? Was he involved in the Bosnian War at all?

I would never dream of spending my life with (or having kids by) someone so filled with hate and fear, even if it is all mouth and trousers.

It's up to you OP, I think you know him well enough by now ... and five months after your original post it's still an issue so it's not going away on it's own. You're "terrified" of people finding out his opinions, what kind of life is that going to be for you?

Distorted

I would be tempted to tell him he is obviously lacking in education and therefore meeting with a variety of people from different backgrounds. This is a fault in him, not in the people he seeks to criticise. He simply sounds very uneducated, and if he is to make anything of his life, he is going to have to work on it, because anyone intelligent is not going to want to have anything to do with him/promote him/work with him/socialise with him.

As for his view on women not being able to talk about sport, this is obviously a sign that he is not any good at sport himself, as if he was, he would have met women at or near national squad standard. Simply being able to read up on sport and talk about is not the same as actually doing it to a good standard.

He actually sounds very irritating OP! I'm hoping for your sake, he has some really good points that overcome his annoying traits!

SerialComplaint

It will be very difficult to build a solid long-term relationship with somebody who's value system is totally at odds with your own.

Honey-ec

kittykat 573 wrote: »

I should also point out that my cousin is gay who is my best friend and he doesnt see a problem with her as she's a "normal gay"

My suspicion is that he doesn't see a problem with her because she's a gay woman, not a gay man. Such has been my experience with male homophobes, anyway.

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Op, I think you need to chill. He just has some conservative views. Ireland got a bit too liberal in the past few decades.

I really, really have to disagree with this - he doesn't sound like he has "some" conservative views, he sounds ultra right-wing. And if you think Ireland is liberal, I'd love to see what you consider the middle ground.

OP, I think you need to sit down and have a think about whether or not you can genuinely see yourself building a future with some who has such disparate core values to your own.

discus

OP, you are NOT going to leave your boyfriend/partner just because a few anonymous posters have showed disdain for his racism.... You're not, simple as.

If you're looking for advice, here's mine - this guy will look after you and your family. Who cares how he views the world?

gargleblaster

kittykat 573 wrote: »

He has acknowledged that racism is not good and not fair but he still thinks that whites should stay with whites and black with black

Another shocking things is that although in no way does he condone what that Norwegian lunatic did there a couple of weeks ago he thinks he has a valid point. My boyfriend believes that in a few hundred years Europe will be no longer christian and that the Muslims will start to claim land etc He reads stuff like this alot.....<snip> he's not only afraid of Muslims though he's afraid of blacks as well and also has a major problem with Jewish but says that's more because of Palestine and what is happening there. I should also point out that my cousin is gay who is my best friend and he doesnt see a problem with her as she's a "normal gay"

I'm failing to understand how anyone could view any of these opinions as anything but right-wing extremism.

If you're still attracted to him despite all of this, then I suppose you might try to make it work.

Good luck.

wild_cat

discus wrote: »

If you're looking for advice, here's mine - this guy will look after you and your family. Who cares how he views the world?

I do.

He'll be teaching those children hatred instead of tolerance. Views like that affect the world at large not just the OP.

Views like that often lead to violence too....

SerialComplaint

discus wrote: »

If you're looking for advice, here's mine - this guy will look after you and your family.

What happens if one of the family turns out to be gay? Or brings home a black or a muslim partner? Who's he going to look after then?

It's not even a question of whether the guy's views or values are right or wrong. It's a question of the distance between the guy's values and the girl's values - it's a huge gulf that will manifest itself in every decision a couple makes - choice of address, type of work, school for children etc etc.