Has he ever asked you to...

purplepapillon

[First of all, I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place but I'd like another perspective on this]

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. Things are going well for the most part.

He says he has had lots of previous sexual partners and prefers anything experimental and a bit "out there". Recently, he has been saying he wants take me from behind. I don't know but something doesn't seem to fit here in that he cannot reach me and we haven't been successful. Once, he blamed me for this saying that I was "too tight", which I later took him up on, saying I am not "too" anything, that is just me. I wanted to try this, not having done it before but since then not so much. In the last week, he said he'd like to try up the ass. He sort of tried the other day in the shower, but I said no. Today, he brought it up again, saying to get some lube and try it cos "most men want to do that". I just feel really weirded out by it and said so, that I find it a complete turn off and don't know why he wants to do this.

He mentioned once that he had a brief thing with a man, but when I asked him about this later he was evasive and said it was just to see what it was like.

I feel like he's guilting me about this. I've been sick this week and haven't felt like doing anything in bed anyways. He said that I apparently like rejecting him. But the Doctor told me that I'm on strong antibiotics and that I shouldn't rely on the pill for protection. My boyfriend has a thing about condoms, that he doesn't like them. But then he freaked out when I said that the Doctor told me not to rely on my pill, saying that antibiotics don't interfere with the pill. I'd prefer not to risk it anyway and he thinks this is rejection of him altogether.

Usually, when I'm feeling better, I almost always initiate anything sexual as he has told me he doesn't like initiaiting something and being rejected subsequently. So I make sure this doesn't happen. Whenever he has started anything, I have always responded.

I just want to know has anyone else's bf asked them for anal and reacted in this way after being told it's not for her? Am I being selfish and prudish? I always feel like his experience outweighs things. Maybe I should be more experimental?

Any help/advice would be appreciated!

Thanks in advance!

Ickle Magoo

Moved from tLL - this is the home of all advice related posts regarding relationships. :cool:

muboop1

Firstly... He's acting the bloody child.

Antibiotics can make the pill not work, fact. Tell him to cop on!

If your sick etc n not up for much, that life! If thats a problem he can sort himself out.

muboop1

Also...

Couple of other things jump out at me... You mention his past partners... Is this an issue for you?

Is the man an issue for you?

Also, you seem very accommodating... If i told my GF I'd never initiate stuff so she had to... because im not cool with rejection... I'd get laughed at!

Phoenix Park

As a man (i saw this thread on the main page-hope you don't mind a response) i would say this pressure on you from him is very unfair. It sounds like he is trying to guilt you in to it.
A couple of very important things, he says he doesn't like condoms, has had sex with a man (possible unprotected if he does not like condoms) and he rejects the idea of the pill/antibiotics interaction? (trust me there is a proven interaction and antibiotics can reduce its effectiveness). HIV and other STD's are more readily transmitted by anal sex, this is something to really consider.

Is this really the guy for you?. His comments about you being too tight seem cruel. You sound like a lovely person, with very reasonable concerns, i would not jump into this unless you are comfortable, and certainly not unprotected given his history. Best of luck, look after yourself.

purplepapillon

muboop1 wrote: »

Also...

Couple of other things jump out at me... You mention his past partners... Is this an issue for you?

If i told my GF I'd never initiate stuff so she had to... because im not cool with rejection... I'd get laughed at!

I mentioned his past partners as I know he is more sexually experienced than me, and I wonder sometimes if I'm not open to things as he says. I mentioned the possible past guy partner as I don't really know where he stands on this. He was very evasive when I brought it up on another occasion.

Well, in response to the latter, I brought this up with him as I felt I needed him to do so and he has done since I said it.

But the question was originally meant to be about sex. Do men want anal sex? Am I not being receptive enough to experimenting? I just don't see why he wants to do it. Maybe I'm not looking from his point of view. I just don't see it as something that would turn me on.

Faith

TBH, he sounds absolutely horrible, OP.

Firstly, you should never have to do anything you're not comfortable with in the bedroom. Anal sex is not for everyone at all. In fact, I'd say the majority of people don't do it.

Secondly, if you do decide to try anal, you should use a condom, so he needs to stop being "funny" about them.

But basically, if you're not comfortable with doing something, you're under no obligation to do it, nor are you being prudish. It's entirely up to you what you do. If you firmly explain to him that you're not interested, and it's not going to happen, he needs to just accept that. If he can't, then perhaps you're not sexually compatible and you may need to reevaluate your relationship.

purplepapillon

Phoenix Park wrote: »

As a man (i saw this thread on the main page-hope you don't mind a response)

he says he...has had sex with a man (possible unprotected if he does not like condoms)
\QUOTE]

No problem, any response is appreciated!

He never said he had sex with a man. He said something (I'm not now clear on) about him and a guy. Later, I brought this up and he said it was experimenting but not full sex I think. He didn't want to talk about it so I didn't pressure it.

purplepapillon

purplepapillon wrote: »

[First of all, I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place but I'd like another perspective on this]

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. Things are going well for the most part.

He says he has had lots of previous sexual partners and prefers anything experimental and a bit "out there". Recently, he has been saying he wants take me from behind. I don't know but something doesn't seem to fit here in that he cannot reach me and we haven't been successful. Once, he blamed me for this saying that I was "too tight", which I later took him up on, saying I am not "too" anything, that is just me. I wanted to try this, not having done it before but since then not so much. In the last week, he said he'd like to try up the ass. He sort of tried the other day in the shower, but I said no. Today, he brought it up again, saying to get some lube and try it cos "most men want to do that". I just feel really weirded out by it and said so, that I find it a complete turn off and don't know why he wants to do this.

He mentioned once that he had a brief thing with a man, but when I asked him about this later he was evasive and said it was just to see what it was like.

I feel like he's guilting me about this. I've been sick this week and haven't felt like doing anything in bed anyways. He said that I apparently like rejecting him. But the Doctor told me that I'm on strong antibiotics and that I shouldn't rely on the pill for protection. My boyfriend has a thing about condoms, that he doesn't like them. But then he freaked out when I said that the Doctor told me not to rely on my pill, saying that antibiotics don't interfere with the pill. I'd prefer not to risk it anyway and he thinks this is rejection of him altogether.

OP I would be a little more concerned about the parts I have bolded than his urge to try anal. I mean wanting to try something new is one thing, you certainly don't have to do it. But reacting like a child when it comes to contraception, "blaming" you for things, and insisting you're "rejecting" him when you're sick would all be very off putting and concerning.
I think you need to have a chat about this first. If he insists on risking it without condoms he sounds like the type who'd blame you for "trapping him" should you become pregnant. He needs a bit of education on this!

gypsy_rose

It's fine to be up for experimentation and trying new things but DON'T let him bully you into things that make you uncomfortable OP. He's completely wrong about the anal thing, in my experience it's not most women's cup of tea. Sex should be something that's enjoyable for the two of you, not just for him, does he ever do anything to pleasure you? Or do you ever ask him to do stuff for you that you like? I wouldn't worry about the taking from behind bit, it can be a little tricky at first but if you practice at it you'll figure it out. But if you really don't like it you don't have to do that either just to please him. He sounds very selfish and childish to me, just because he supposedly has loads of experience it doesn't mean he can lord it over you like this. And yes, your doctor is totally right about antibiotics affecting the protection the pill gives you, so you should be definitly using a condom for a while until you are completely finished with them, if you need advice on when the pill will fully protect you again you should ask your doctor for advice. Given his sexual history I would hope that he's had a recent STD test, if not he is being very irresponsible. Your needs and feeling are just as important as his.

Goldenegg

Op, he sounds like he is completely insecure! By him asking you to initiate sex as he doesn't like being rejected is wrong. There are two people in a relationship.

Never do anything you are not comfortable with. If he truely likes you, he will accept you as you are and accept your decisions.

If you don't mind me asking you, how old is he? He sounds like a teenager, pressurising his oh. If I were you, I would take a long think on whether he is good enough for you. You sound like a lovely girl and you certaintly don't need to put up with shiit like this in your life.

beks101

Your boyfriend sounds like a spoilt brat.

He doesn't like rejection so you have to initiate...he doesn't like condoms...he decides he wants anal without any consideration for what you might actually want and tries to manipulate you into it...he freaks out at you over some firm medical advice about your pill's effectiveness...seriously, how selfish can someone be? It's all HIM HIM HIM, what he wants and what he thinks without any regard for your feelings or desire or even your health, and he expects you to jump into bed with him and bend yourself like a pretzel to please him? What does he think you are, a blow-up doll or some kind of porn star?

Adventure and variety are great things in the bedroom, but experimentation is a two-way street, it's not about him demanding and you conceding, and him throwing a strop when he doesn't get what he wants. I'd consider myself open-minded but if a partner came at me with in such a selfish and arrogant manner I'd flat out refuse any of his requests. That sort of pressure and immature guilting is the very opposite of sexy, it's downright repulsive.

You're not a toy or some hooker he's paying to please him - you are in a relationship with him and things like anal, going without a condom, initiating...they are things that need discussion and that you both feel comfortable with, otherwise sex is going to become something you resent and something that drives a wedge between you.

IrishEyes19

Phoenix Park wrote: »

As a man (i saw this thread on the main page-hope you don't mind a response) i would say this pressure on you from him is very unfair. It sounds like he is trying to guilt you in to it.
A couple of very important things, he says he doesn't like condoms, has had sex with a man (possible unprotected if he does not like condoms) and he rejects the idea of the pill/antibiotics interaction? (trust me there is a proven interaction and antibiotics can reduce its effectiveness). HIV and other STD's are more readily transmitted by anal sex, this is something to really consider.

Is this really the guy for you?. His comments about you being too tight seem cruel. You sound like a lovely person, with very reasonable concerns, i would not jump into this unless you are comfortable, and certainly not unprotected given his history. Best of luck, look after yourself.

+ 1 to this post. Id worry also about the STD factor here, OP.

Furthermore, dont be tricked into thinking you are being unfair or selfish. A lot of women do not like anal sex. His comments about you being too tight is a joke, what he really means is, "this position obviously doesnt suit either of us, but Im going to make it out like its your fault, so I can save face here."

Dont let him demean you anymore, OP, sex should be fun and not the horrible pressure you now feel because of it. I would advise you to leave him and find someone else. He sounds very childish

Firetrap

A lot of what I'm reading doesn't sound healthy to be honest. Fair enough if he wants to try different things but he's going about it the wrong way. You also sound a bit over-awed by his sexual history.

You really need to have a talk with him and a think about where things are going. There's a lot of odd stuff going on there like the rejection thing, his persistence about anal (I'm sure you have not heard that last of that), you being "too tight" and the condoms. None of them sound healthy to my ears anyway.

Firetrap

Firetrap wrote: »

A lot of what I'm reading doesn't sound healthy to be honest. Fair enough if he wants to try different things but he's going about it the wrong way. You also sound a bit over-awed by his sexual history.

You really need to have a talk with him and a think about where things are going. There's a lot of odd stuff going on there like the rejection thing, his persistence about anal (I'm sure you have not heard that last of that), you being "too tight" and the condoms. None of them sound healthy to my ears anyway.

I'd also wonder why he's into it if she is too tight in the first place

Zen65

purplepapillon wrote: »

He says he has had lots of previous sexual partners and prefers anything experimental and a bit "out there".

Firstly, I must say I agree with previous posters who suggest that this relationship sounds a bit unhealthy...... he may have a preference for "anything experimental" but your preferences should have equal weight in this relationship.

Secondly I can't help but wonder if the reason for his "lots of previous partners" is because after a short while of him acting this way these other women dumped him? He sounds like a most unsatisfying partner for any woman.


Be at peace,

Z

mood

I would also be very worried if he may have an STI as it sound unlikely he would use a condom given the choice. I suggest you both get tested.

I would go to a chemist and explain you were on antibiotics and ask when it is safe to not use a condom again. It may take some time for the pill to be effective again after the antibiotics.

As for you boyfriend he sounds horrible and childish and is not treating you will respect. To be honest I would get rid of him if I were you.

Chinafoot

purplepapillon wrote: »

[He sort of tried the other day in the shower, but I said no.

He's completely out of order. With something like anal, particularly with a relatively new partner, you don't just lob it in while she's not looking. He sounds like an absolute tool and if I was in your position I wouldn't be putting up with what you've described here.

purplepapillon wrote: »

Today, he brought it up again, saying to get some lube and try it cos "most men want to do that". I just feel really weirded out by it and said so, that I find it a complete turn off and don't know why he wants to do this.

Do not do anything you don't feel comfortable with. Who the hell does this guy think he is? Go get some lube love cos all men want to do anal?! Tell him to get a grip on himself.

OP, you said he doesn't like using condoms and has had many previous partners. Before you started having unprotected sex with him did you both get tested for STIs, HIV etc? If not I would suggest you get yourself to a clinic and get a full screen. He has proven himself to be incredibly immature and irresponsible sexually so it would do you well to get checked out.

All in all, your boyfriend sounds like an inconsiderate child. If it was me I'd be gone, but if you want to salvage this relationship you need to tell him how you feel, start using condoms, ask him to get a full STI screen (and show you the results) and tell him that this relationship, particularly the sexual side, is not all about him.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Reading between the lines of what youve written, are you sure his stories about his previous experiences are entirely true? Not that they are beyond the realms of possibility, In my opinion nothing youve mentioned is even all that "out there" apart from maybe that he's had sex with men in the past, but thats beside the point.

He is the one that told you he's had alot of partners, and done alot of strange things. Is he trying to impress you with these stories? It sounds like he's goading you into trying things your not comfortable with and then laying the blame on you when it doesnt go according to plan, I could be wrong but that sounds to me like he may not have as much experience as he claims. It strikes me as the actions and words of someone who isnt all that secure about their own performance. You also say he's evasive when you ask him about the stories he has told. If he brought them up in the first place why is he suddenly gone all shy about them?

All of that aside, do not feel pressured to do something you dont want to, and do not let anyone bully you into a sexual act wigth tales of how much they enjoyed it with previous partners, those are the tactics of someone immature, insensitive and manipulative.

purplepapillon

Thanks everyone for the advice.

We had a talk (read:huge argument) and I think he sees what I meant. We discussed it all the next day and we've agreed on some things.

Not perfect but sure we'll see.

tbh

purplepapillon wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the advice.

We had a talk (read:huge argument) and I think he sees what I meant. We discussed it all the next day and we've agreed on some things.

Not perfect but sure we'll see.

buy a dildo. If he wants to try anal, let him try anal first

Firetrap

It does sound a bit like he has been watching too much pörn really... Where the women are objects to a greater or lesser extent and the guys can put it just about anywhere without any great trouble.

Anyway, I hope your discussion will lead to happier times

thecookingapple

True experimentation takes an open mind, your BF does not have this.

Maggie The Cat

Some couples like anal , some dont. Personally I like sex to be pleasurable not painful and uncomfortable and have never had full anal and dont feel the need to do it for anyone. I would consider myself experimental in bed regardless of not having anal sex. My partner has never pressurised me into anything like that and if he did he would be sleeping on the couch of an evening.
This man sounds like a nightmare, and your only together 6 mths ? he is bound to get worse with age not better.
He is putting pressure on you to have anal sex.
And he is immature about contraception.
In answer to your question some women are happy to do anal but the same percentage of women probably never try it.
Some have tried and dont like it and never will do it again.
You seem to be a woman who knows its not for her. Stick to your guns and do not allow this man to manipulate you. Im all for compromise in the bedroom but this man sounds a bit disturbing and my gut instinct would be to tell you to dump him.
And not all men want anal. Most men would prefer a woman enjoying herself in bed rather than lubing her up and forcing her to do something she doesnt want. Most men i have known like boobs and vaginas, women on top and the odd bit of oral. Maybe i dont get out much.

So many warning bells going off from the OP that I do not even know where to start.

Op of course you should be experimental… but the point is you should be experimental with the things you want to be experimental with. Being open to experimentation does not mean you have to try everything once no matter what it is.

The rest of your post seems to be constructing a picture of a relationship where he is seeing you as a sex object that should accommodate him whenever or however he wants… as well as a picture of a guy who thinks that anything that goes “wrong” in sex is somehow always going to be a fault of you and never him… whether it is your opinions, or how “tight” you are or whatever.

In fact nothing I read in the OP prevents me from thinking to myself “get out, and get out now” though of course I do not have the whole image of your relationship to know how good the good parts are.

Most important point however is to remember that sex should be something people do together, and experimentation something people do for each other. Sex is not one person appeasing the other. Experimentation is not “I want to try X so you have to accommodate me now”.

Taltos

purplepapillon wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the advice.

We had a talk (read:huge argument) and I think he sees what I meant. We discussed it all the next day and we've agreed on some things.

Not perfect but sure we'll see.

Let me fix that for you:
We had a talk. He sulked and called me names telling me that I didn't love him as much as he loved me and it was only this one thing... I told him to cop the f on - to grow up and never to call me again as I deserve more than he is either willing or able to give...


OP - I have no clue what age you both are - but your BF is really coming across as both immature and just too selfish for words. Let me break this down for you
> Rear entry (not anal sex - being blunt man behind the woman spooning or other form with vaginal penetration) for many is quite normal and enjoyable with the extra stimulation it can provide the woman. Never heard of a woman being more tight in this position - maybe he needs to look at his own shortcomings first.
> Anal sex - not for all or even for many. There are more risks associated - increased risk of infection (for both); anal tears / lesions / haemmeroids for the woman (possibly). Basically you need to balance these against any potential enjoyment you both get. However - if YOU don't want to try this - then perfect - he HAS to respect this...
> Antibiotics - oh man - fast track to pregnancy I am afraid... Any time my OH was on these I stayed well away even with condoms - the risk to me was just too high.

For me - all of this thread screams one thing (ok one thing other than selfish egotistical child who gives all men a bad name) - your partner is prioritizing sex and his pleasure above you and your relationship....
Sex is important - but if that is all there is then in fairness he would be much better off with his hand and a hankie than to be basically pulling you down.

Stop doubting yourself - you really do come across as a wonderful person, someone who does not deserve to be "used" like this. My suggestion for what it is worth is dump this child and find someone who deserves to be with you...

fungun

he sounds like a controlling immature man who wants it his way all the time and blames you for everything that isnt exactly how he wants it.

Is he only like this about sex, or is he like this about other thing too? If he is, I would not just consider saying no, I would consider walking away from the reln. Attitudes like this never get better; they get entrenched and get worse.

muinteoir09

Taltos wrote: »

> Rear entry (not anal sex - being blunt man behind the woman spooning or other form with vaginal penetration) for many is quite normal and enjoyable with the extra stimulation it can provide the woman. Never heard of a woman being more tight in this position - maybe he needs to look at his own shortcomings first.

This also jumped out at me. How someone's penis can't reach a vagina from behind (where there are no obstacles such as legs to worry about) seems strange, especially if you are talking doggy style.

IMO, the advice given so far is good advice. Do not to anything you don't want to. And while you may have had a talk that went okay, you can guarantee that the problem will come around again, given what you have written. Best off out of it I say.

LittleBook

muinteoir09 wrote: »

How someone's penis can't reach a vagina from behind (where there are no obstacles such as legs to worry about) seems strange, especially if you are talking doggy style.

I think (from what she said about trying it in the shower) he's trying to penetrate her from behind while standing up ... ya know, cos he "prefers anything experimental and a bit out there". :rolleyes:

I have no doubt in my mind that this guy is clueless and is trying to bluff someone who just happens to have less experience than his limited experience.

carlybabe1

purplepapillon wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the advice.

We had a talk (read:huge argument) and I think he sees what I meant. We discussed it all the next day and we've agreed on some things.

Not perfect but sure we'll see.

Hi OP, I wouldnt be discussing anything with him, Id have dumped him tbh. His ego seems very fragile, and to me he sounds confused about his sexuality, if hes that desperate for anal that hes using emotional blackmail to bend you to his will, and then blaming YOU when it doesnt pan out. Wat happens if he starts to have trouble maintaining an erection?? will that be your fault too?? and how would your confidence take that?? To me hes already undermining your sexual confidence, by bullying you into doing wat he wants and when you refuse he puts you down and tells you your being prudish....this guy has serious issues, id find someone a little more stable in the bedroom dept if i was you, sorry

Firetrap

The bit about having a row is a bit worrying to be honest. Sex is supposed to be something that's enjoyable for the two people involved. He shouldn't be trying to make you do things you are uncomfortable with just because he wants to have a go at them. Liking to do things which are "out there" is all well and good if one's partner also likes the same thing but he doesn't sound like he is respecting your wishes. Well he is, grudgingly.