the perfect breakup?

LegacyUser

i fell in love with a foreign girl while living abroad. we spent 6 months together and were inseparable, then we visited each-other every month for 7 months. we had a crisis about where things were going but we decided to continue because we make each other happy.

the last 2 visits have been different though, our feelings for each other have been fading and in the long term it looks more unlikely we will be living in the same country. it is getting too hard to stay together because of the distance even though we love each other.

she is coming over next weekend, it was supposed to be a week long trip but we changed it to a weekend because we are both very busy with deadlines and even though we didn't admit it, i think we both know she is just coming over so we can break up face to face.

so my issue is: how should we go about breaking up? i want to have one last weekend to remember with her before we call it to an end. at what point do we 'call it'?

1 here's my plan

- kiss her at the airport and say 'lets just enjoy tonight'
- take her out for dinner and then take her to bed

2 the next day
- have a nice morning together then go for lunch and have 'the talk'.
. do we need to say 'break up'? or just 'take a break'?
- i want to stay friends, no hard feelings, mutual decision.
- should we spend the night together?

3 one more day together and one more night, early flight the following morning.

our plan was to spend the summer together but i think things have changed - it could be a bad idea. we are both going to a festival in southern europe for 2 weeks with separate friends so we will see each other one more time anyway. i think it would be good if we could spend 2 months apart without contact and then meet each other as friends at the festival. should i cut contact after this breakup weekend? we are both so used to keeping in touch over instant messaging and skype, maybe cutting this type of contact will make it easier to move on.

i love her and i told everyone i was moving to her country to find work but realistically we are not going to get married and live in the same country. it was just an affair...

IrishEyes19

She might appreciate it if you dont take her to bed, the night before you end it with her. Just a thought there. Unless its a mutual breakup for sure.

spinandscribble

I wouldn't assume she knows the plan to break up. This could be wishful thinking on your part. DO NOT have sex with when you meet up if you have not already discussed your plans to break up.

I think you should discuss how you two will spend your time together with her, not strangers. We can tell you "yeah you should totally sleep together/break up officially on day 1/2/3" but isnt that really up to both of you?

LegacyUser

ok, i take the point. maybe we should get things out in the open first, otherwise it's a bit sinister. i just want to try and understand how best to break up? because it's not due to our feelings or attraction for each other being gone. it is more like a strategic decision that's best for both of us. we agreed that in the long-term we will not stay together. so how can we enjoy the short term if we know that it is all going to end eventually? is it too fake?

the reason i am asking 'strangers' is because i don't have much experience breaking up with people and i'm not comfortable asking friends about the specific details of it all...

most of the relationship advice i've read tells you to cancel any trips planned, bring her personal stuff to give back to her and never talk to her again. that's too harsh for me..

is it better to have a clean break, no contact, or is it possible to remain friends and break it off in stages, enjoying the last few moments together before we move on?

inexperienced

op, really i think you should talk with her on the first day about the break-up. talk and see how she thinks about the relationship and whether she has thought of ending it. and then share your thoughts and see whether there is a mutual understanding about the break-up.

i agree not to sleep with her until you get her words that she knows this is a break-up trip and she agrees to sleep with you even she knows this is the last time.

Asphyxia

If you think she is in the same frame of mind then I would suggest talking to her on the first night and that way you can spend the rest of the weekend as friends.. Whatever you do don't lead her on and forget about taking her to bed!!

Firetrap

Another thing to think about is where she's going to stay? You don't know how well she'll take the break-up. She might not want to be anywhere near you after you have the chat. Oh and I agree with the others - don't take her to bed before you break up with her.

spinandscribble

1lastime wrote: »

ok, i take the point. maybe we should get things out in the open first, otherwise it's a bit sinister. i just want to try and understand how best to break up? because it's not due to our feelings or attraction for each other being gone. it is more like a strategic decision that's best for both of us. we agreed that in the long-term we will not stay together. so how can we enjoy the short term if we know that it is all going to end eventually? is it too fake?

the reason i am asking 'strangers' is because i don't have much experience breaking up with people and i'm not comfortable asking friends about the specific details of it all...

most of the relationship advice i've read tells you to cancel any trips planned, bring her personal stuff to give back to her and never talk to her again. that's too harsh for me..

is it better to have a clean break, no contact, or is it possible to remain friends and break it off in stages, enjoying the last few moments together before we move on?

you have to consider what SHE wants more. I can tell you what I think (break up before she comes so she doesn't waste money and zero contact afterwards) as well as others here but I'm not emotionally involved in this.

I mean we could tell you, spend some time having fun together after you break up but if she doesn't want to then what? did she ruin a "perfect breakup"?

there isn't any golden rules in breakups, they're never perfect and you can't really plan them.

all you can do is treat the person with as much respect as possible when breaking up with them....
-(being honest with WHY you're breaking up with her, don't give misguided hope for some future friendship down the line, not sleeping with her beforehand, having a second place for her to sleep over if the breakup is a surprise to her, basically letting her help shape what happens afterwards for the rest of the trip).

Firetrap

spinandscribble makes a good point. Is it a bit much for her to come all the way over here to be dumped? You are assuming a lot of things here. For all you know, she isn't thinking that. She might half suspect it but could feel wounded anyway. Is it fair on her to cope with the aftermath of being dumped while she's in a foreign country and presumably here as your guest? Having thought about it, I think you should do the deed before she comes here. Which is worse? Being told over Skype? Or coming all the way over here to stay with someone who was planning to dump them?

LegacyUser

I don't think either of us wants to break up, its just that the timing is right, if we know its not going to last we should nip it in the bud and not draw it out over the summer. She told me its not working and was reluctant to discuss it any further until she came so I'm just preparing for the worst. There is somewhere she can stay and ill take it on board that she may be upset, I will too. I guess I just want to be in control of the situation and do the decent thing. So the advice I'm getting here is to have 'the talk' first and then try to enjoy the last weekend together. I was just worried it would ruin her trip over if we started it by breaking up. If we both know its doomed can we not just pretend a little bit longer?

We are both mid-twenties and have both been through a breakup because of distance before. Perhaps we are the best judges of how to do it... ill just play it by ear. Thanks for all the advice.