Setting the Date: Break Up?

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

I've been with a guy now for the last 18 months or so with a three month break in there in the middle (mostly due to illness). Things have been fine and I feel as though the relationship has been going well enough. However, I feel as though I put a lot in time and energy into the relationship, and feel as though he tries to meet me half way but doesn't really get there most of the time. This usually leaves me feeling a bit unwanted and deflated. I do some really nice things for him and I usually get them in return, but with a slight begrudness about it... I also noticed that he tends to comment on my grammar/ clothes/ manners a lot - of which I thought/ think were fine (or at least on standard with most people). He also has commented on the line of work I'm in as 'useless' - but not to take it personally - he just thinks teachers are a waste, or something? We talk most of our issues through and now I feel very comfortable in the relationship.

Anyway, he's a mature student and is studying history. As part of it, he has been offered a year away in Italy. I told him to go for it as it was a huge deal to get offered to go on erasmus within a subject that wasn't a language. He decided to take it and is going to be leaving the country in September. In terms of us, we feel as though we 'have' to break up and he has decided he wants to do this in August as this will give him enough time to get over the break-up and get his things together before leaving. His friends are all considering going volunteering as well in Africa and he is now considering going to go away for the month of July even though I had asked him did he want to go on a roadtrip across the US with me. I then asked him did he want me to go (I've done volunteering trips like this before in S. America) but he said he'd prefer me not there because it will be 'stressful enough' (I've some health issues, you see). He also has decided to go back to his mother's for the summer in between all of that which means I will only get to see him now and then. He said he's a lot of catching up to do with family and friends - fair enough - but that he'll try to visit me as much as possible and wants to try his best.

I decided enough was enough and that he was taking way too much control. The thing is, guys, is that I love this man. He has his faults and I've painted a pretty bad picture of him here (of course), but he is actually a very decent, educated and beautiful person. I've basically been living with him for the last 6 months and we click so well on so many levels. I told him that if he is going volunteering in July, wants to break up in August and is going to be busy a bit in June that we should break up in late May. Now I'm very depressed about it and feel as though I'm going to miss out on the last few weeks we have together. He tells me that volunteering may not happen, that he may end up staying in his home place and that he really wants to stay with me until the time comes. I even had him crying down the phone to me about it a few days ago.

As mentioned I've some health issues and suffer from depression. His leaving is going to really upset me as I'm a very sensitive person. I don't know what to do. Break up with him now and get over it sooner rather than later, or try to have a relationship with him until August. He wants me as a friends with benefit type while in Italy where I will visit as much as I can, and we can be like a couple (he plans on not seeing anyone romantically over there) then. He just thinks if we remain as a couple while he is away we will end up ruining any chance we have of having a relationship down the line after he returns (we've both hinted at marriage in the future).

Does anyone have any advice? Sorry, I know I'm not telling this with the most detail in the world! Ask questions if you like.

Thanks, guys. I'm a bit of a mess at the moment

LegacyUser

127 views and no input?

Sorry to be pushy. Very upset today.

inexperienced

?? seems very complicated.

but are you happy with him this moment even though you know the break-up is coming and that this is going to be no future??????

if yes, just keep the relationship and go with the flow and when it ends, it ends.

if no, end it now and take a break for yourself. and go back to the dating again later.

personally, i would advice you to end it now because i can see that this relationship is not very balanced, thing on his terms most of the time. and he definitely wants to end it. he does not love you enough. if you are not looking for love but just a bit of fun, just enjoy the moment. but since you said you love him, i think these few months left would be too harsh for yourself, better end it unless you like the drama in it.

Taltos

As per the last poster OP I too advise that you end this immediately.
Any more energy you put into this is just going to be wasted.

I mean - he puts you down - puts down your choice of profession - and worst of all - you are both talking about ending it before he goes away.
I mean wtf? You only end a relationship for a break like this for one reason and one reason only - guilt free sex and fun with others.

If he loved you - and I mean really loved you - not only would he not be doing all 3 above - he would not do even one of the above.

End it now OP - and try to learn some self-respect. You deserve more than this plonker - and I mean that sincerely. Just repeat it - "I deserve more than this".

Focus on getting to a point where you can happily manage your depression and build your own life - but without this guy....

neuro-praxis

Couples who want to stay together don't break up because one of them has to travel for a year. Make it work long distance...or just save yourself a lot of misery down the line and end the relationship now.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, I think you both make very valid points...

Yeah, he does put me down an awful lot, but he puts down everyone a lot.. I think he is a bit of a bitter person, generally. I am happy in the relationship, I would even be happy visiting him in Italy every month or so. I mean he's going to be home for mid-term/ Christmas/ Easter and I would wanted to be over between mid-term and Christmas and then again between New Years and Easter. I think you're right, he just wants to go out and have sex with people and not feel bad about it. Thing is he's in his early twenties (still a mature student, though), and so am I. I know that he just wants to live his life to the full and not be held back by me and this relationship. It's probably the depression talking, but I just feel like I won't meet anyone like this ever again. He is generally lovely, and I'm painting a very bad picture of him and I feel bad for that. I dunno... If i break up with him tomorrow, I'll have to bump into him every second as we live very close to one and other and have mutual friends. I think I'll try and see where I can go with it until May and then see where I'll go from there.. I do genuinely love this guy, and I know he loves me too. He's going to a smallish town in Italy and I doubt he'll have much chance to get with loads of random people.. I dunno. I think I'm making excuses for him.

And no, I don't like the drama. I like the comfort of the relationship. It's what gets me through the day at the moment. Knowing I'm going home to someone I love. I know, I'm very depressive right now! Ha ha! Sorry \

Thanks so much for all the advice

Jack B. Badd

WhatShouldIDo? wrote: »

He just thinks if we remain as a couple while he is away we will end up ruining any chance we have of having a relationship down the line after he returns

Has he explained his logic here? Because I, for one, don't understand where he's coming from. Or, to be more honest, I suspect I do know where he's coming from (and it involves the concept of having his cake & eating it too...) but I don't understand why you'd agree to it.

Faith

OP, if you were going out 6 months, then I'd understand. But 18 months? You're at the stage where I'd say you've been together long enough to choose to stay together. If he wanted to stay with you, he would. You've said he'll be home for Christmas and things, and you're happy to travel to him. It just reads as if he thinks he'll be shagging circles round himself in Italy and he doesn't want a girlfriend. At this stage in your relationship, I really don't think he should be thinking that way. If I were you, I'd cut my losses now, but I know that's easy for me to say.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

OP, if you were going out 6 months, then I'd understand. But 18 months? You're at the stage where I'd say you've been together long enough to choose to stay together. If he wanted to stay with you, he would. You've said he'll be home for Christmas and things, and you're happy to travel to him. It just reads as if he thinks he'll be shagging circles round himself in Italy and he doesn't want a girlfriend. At this stage in your relationship, I really don't think he should be thinking that way. If I were you, I'd cut my losses now, but I know that's easy for me to say.

Thanks for that. Well first of all, boyfriend (I'm a boy too ).

Thing is it was for 18 months but there was a 4 month break and we only properly got back together last November after a very tough break-up (we thought we'd never get back together and it just kind of happened).

I think his logic is that if he does go away that the long term scenario won't work - although I don't see Italy as a long way away, and particularly if he'll be traveling home so often. We've both hinted at staying together for the long term, but he likes the idea of going off and seperating to find himself or whatever. My parents did something similar (they broke up for 2 years before finally marrying) and I think he wants to do the same?

I also have issues about being Gay which is affecting this, as well as my depression. I'm going to say it - i am a good looking bloke but I have some problems (like the rest of us) and he 'takes care' of me a lot of the time and I do the same for him. When he goes I will be going back to the horrible sleaze gay scene or be left to stay in at weekends with no one.

Not sure what I'm saying here. I'm going to be seeing him tonight and your comments have made me feel like I should just end it tonight

Faith

How much have you discussed the issue? Did he suggest breaking up and you just went along with it? Rather than immediately break up with him, I think you need to discuss it in depth, and explain your feelings. There's two of you in this relationship, and both of your opinions count. If you don't want to break up, make that clear to him. If he still wants to, then you need to think about the advice that's been posted on here.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

How much have you discussed the issue? Did he suggest breaking up and you just went along with it? Rather than immediately break up with him, I think you need to discuss it in depth, and explain your feelings. There's two of you in this relationship, and both of your opinions count. If you don't want to break up, make that clear to him. If he still wants to, then you need to think about the advice that's been posted on here.

We've discussed it a good bit and came to the conclusion that breaking up was going to happen. To be honest, in a way, I don't think I 'could' be with him if he's in Italy. I mean I'm a jealous type and he'd probably drive me crazy... If he didn't break up with me when he left, I may even have decided to call it quits when he got to Italy, and the idea of him going to Africa too.. hmm..

I think you're right, Faith. Loved all the advice, but you got it in one I think. I think I also need to sort my own head out too. I just don't know how I'll cope to be honest without him. Things have been very good since we got back together in November, but having relationships isn't the cure to depression..

Thanks a lot guys, let me know if there's anything else I can answer.

Taltos

OP - few things - but before that I kind of state the obvious alot - so please don't take offence.

1. Depression - you need to sort this out yourself without using your BF as a crutch - it is not fair on him or on your relationship. To be honest that kind of burden will break most relationships....

2. Jealousy - mate - you have to get to grips with this as well. Look - you know yourself you are good looking - for me then it is all down to self-confidence / worth - trust in your partners - hopefully most of them will be loyal. But jealousy - well it is all your problem - you have to deal with it before it tears you and any future relationships apart. Nothing less attractive then someone in full on jealous mode...

3. Your current partner - you have to and I mean this 100% learn how to communicate properly. Nothing hinted at or assumed. If you want him to wait for you and you to wait for him say it. If you think that it just isn't going to work - say it.

You are not being a drama queen - it is just you have a lot going on - and personally I think you might be better off alone for the next 6mts or a year working on the depression and jealousy - learning to love yourself before engaging in another relationship. Who knows maybe your jealousy is a factor in your depression - about how you feel about yourself.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

OP - few things - but before that I kind of state the obvious alot - so please don't take offence.

1. Depression - you need to sort this out yourself without using your BF as a crutch - it is not fair on him or on your relationship. To be honest that kind of burden will break most relationships....

2. Jealousy - mate - you have to get to grips with this as well. Look - you know yourself you are good looking - for me then it is all down to self-confidence / worth - trust in your partners - hopefully most of them will be loyal. But jealousy - well it is all your problem - you have to deal with it before it tears you and any future relationships apart. Nothing less attractive then someone in full on jealous mode...

3. Your current partner - you have to and I mean this 100% learn how to communicate properly. Nothing hinted at or assumed. If you want him to wait for you and you to wait for him say it. If you think that it just isn't going to work - say it.

You are not being a drama queen - it is just you have a lot going on - and personally I think you might be better off alone for the next 6mts or a year working on the depression and jealousy - learning to love yourself before engaging in another relationship. Who knows maybe your jealousy is a factor in your depression - about how you feel about yourself.

Incredibly insightful. I've never looked at my jealousy before, and yeah, it could be a part of my depression (though after 12 sessions of counseling in the last few months haven't gone to waste!). I have to say that jealousy is a situation for me. I hate it when he goes out without me, has fun without me etc. I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism here from you kind folk - but it's so much better to be honest, right? Jealousy is definitely something I will work on and discuss with my counselor.

You're also correct about the depression and learning to deal with this alone. I'm going to use this eventual break-up as that opportunity.

We did some talking tonight but didn't touch on anything big.

i was really apprehensive posting this. I'm really glad that you are all being so nice and understanding. You don't realise how much it helps.

Fistycuffs

From reading up OP I can't help but think that this guy, as nice as be maybe, might be as causing your depression more than helping it. You say he demeans you by correcting your grammar and dress sense , that he places no value your chosen career and lets you know and now he's telling you that he wants to break up with you when he sees fit and it suits him. Overall he does not sound like a very loving respectful partner who is thinking of you as much as himself.

You obviously are not the instigator of the break up idea, you wouldnt be here talking about it if you were totally cool with it.

Right now you're looking down the barrel of 4 months of misery and waiting for the axe to fall. He'll head off on his travels to Italy and have all the excitement of a new place and new people to distract him. You'll be left with the same 4 walls a gaping void in your life.

If he was committed to the idea of forever with you he would not want to take the chance of breaking up with you and the possibility of you meeting someone else while he is away. He is leaving himself open to the possibility of meeting someone also regardless of what he might say.

Right now you're offering his a nice cushy number, 4 months of being comfortable, loved and made to feel special. He's not going to meet anyone else in these 4 months before he leaves to get into a relationship with because it wouldn't make sense. However it doesn't make sense for you to cling onto a sinking ship and I think thats what you're doing here.

Walk away now. Tell him you love him and would've liked to spend forever with him but you need someone who has more consideration for your needs and feelings and more respect for the love you have to offer. Start getting on with your life now, not in September. By September you might be with someone else. You'll certainly feel a lot better about yourself if you walk away now. You'll also give him the time and space to reflect on how he feels about you and if you're worth enough to him to give you what you need. He'll do that much better in Ireland than he will in a new country full of shinny distractions. He might find he is lost without you and might try winning you back. If he does be sure to make him fight for you!

It's scary to be alone certainly, we all know that one. However it's amazing how your self esteem, self respect and happiness can return again to you when they aren't being chipped away by a relationship that doesn't give you what you need.

I say be brave and think of your long term happiness here rather than the easiest option that will only delay heart break for 4 months.

Taltos

+1 to /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

OP - in terms of your jealousy - been there have the t-shirt.
My jealousy nearly destroyed my relationship with my OH. Eventually it hit me one day - "If I don't trust her why am I with her..." sounds easy I know - but luckily I had that moment of clarity. It has not been all plain sailing for me around this but when those voices start you have to stomp them down.

Also - the poster above sounds spot on - stop selling yourself short here - you deserve to be loved and respected - and if your current OH neither respects you nor your choice of career then you need to consider that settling for someone less that you deserve is only doing you a disservice..

Continue to work through your therapy - but consider doing it alone - also as trite as it sounds maybe think about taking up some new activity outside of work and different to anything you do now. Why?
> a new interest will distract you
> it will challenge you both mentally and physically depending on what you choose
> over the next few months if you throw yourself into this activity you will learn new skills.
> seeing your own improvement your self-confidence will begin to grow
> you will meet new people and depending on how you approach these potential friendships again your confidence will grow.

When you truly learn to respect and love yourself you will naturally attract the right type of person and will be better placed to spot those that only want to make themselves feel better by making you feel worse...

thecookingapple

So the person whom is suppose to love and protect you:

Belittles you.

makes you out to be stupid.

makes you out to be ''useless''

Pre-fixes a date when suits him to break up.

Puts you last on every level possible.

I would be jealous and depressed also and nothing could cure it but one thing: leave.

There is a world of happiness out there op, sure we all have weakness but even the most beautiful of diamond has a defect somewhere, you may have issues that you need to deal with but you never will when you cower and take and take and take from this person, let him live his life and let you live yours.

Wishing you the best.