Downfall of the Galt

Watch Ryder

This is just a small part of a short story I've written partly based on a couple of real character's I know of, but set in another world/dimension where they clash in a fit of rivalry...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V67LO8W88z8

A new day dawned at the picturesque village of Parohm.
Yet this was not going to be another day of leisure for the one the Triamese called ‘The laughing Pathman’ or ‘The Great Galt’ as he called himself amid the cyberspace world known as the Nexus.
As Galt slowly stirred in his soft bed he reached out and felt the warm form of the girl he’d met the previous week, she warmed a little to his touch and he felt the boozy fumes of the previous nights doings fade away.
In his eye’s these were the glory days. Far from his home Faction and answerable to no-one but himself he was master of all he surveyed. It was still dark. The second and third-floors external shutters, installed at some expense, kept out the daylight nicely.
The light armoured pick-up was the first to arrive two blocks distant and the Galt’s keen ear picked it up. Yet as he did so, as if with some synchronicity his lady in the bed began responding to his earlier touch and soon his mind was on other things.
Meanwhile the pick-up truck containing several armed Triamese enforcers now debused and lined the buildings along the river and faced the direction of Galts workshop retreat.

Following the enforcer truck was an airborne trio of Fell Ryders, not allied to any faction but only to adventure, women and that which provided it, gold. They travelled in no vehicles, but on portable flight unit’s that were about the size of a backpack which they wore to fly about in.
Similar to Watch Ryder’s but with a more baser approach to all levels of life, they preferred a life with any rules and would sell their unique ability’s to the highest bidder. That bidder was no miser when it came to those he was patron to.
The three descended to near-ground level, but stayed lofty from the enforcers, knowing they were jealous and envied their equipment’s ability for powered flight. They looked past them and watched as another land-based vehicle approached them.
This was their current master, a Caucus Zealander named Sten who hated Galt with a blazing intensity.
He too worked within the Nexus, writing as ‘Stenman’. A Nex Warrior of some note and Galts sworn nemesis.
Over the course of many months the time had come for a showdown, with Galt as the besieged.
Sten was accompanied by another, a tough and veteran Isol warrior who was his personal bodyguard, confidante and sometime friend Merth.
Sten had felt insulted and humiliated at the stinging and barbed wordings from the Galt. They’d been spread around the Nexus by this one called The Galt. Time and time again an entry onto the Nexus logs, read by many thousands, was being made. Daily in some cases. Initially laughed at, then ignored, before finally upsetting and annoying too many of Sten’s ally’s and contacts something had to be done. Many were starting to desert his own Nexus logsite and even questioned his own story’s and ways. This was unacceptable and now the whirlwind had arrived to tidy up his mess once and for all. He was a senior Nexus writer afterall!
There was even talk on the Nex boards that House Soliter would be severing it’s ties with his lucrative trade-mission’s that exhanged data-chips for mono-atomic gold. Some even claimed House Jade’s northern frontier would now be switching it’s patronage to a less belleguered Nex
This was the culmination of many months work. Locating and tracking down the Galt had taken time and resources, months of scouring the land of Triam for clues and references. Narrowing down and prioritising as the net drew tighter.
It was a random enquiry at a girly house that saw him directed to exactly to where Galt’s workshop was. He wasn’t sure what it made, some said it was parts for two-wheeler signalling, other’s it was something else entirely.
One thing was for certain in Sten’s mind.
The playboy Pathfinder had made his last entry onto his Nex Log that many thousands were reading.
A sharp voice snapped Sten out of his thoughts.
“Well, make your call Stenman, we can’t wait any longer!” Trelt barked at Sten on the radio-net.
“Give the devil the dish then!” The Zealander said to him knowing that to tary would allow Galt time to prepare, as it was he was likely to be asleep and inside.
All three of the Fell Ryders now opened the throttle on their machine packs and launched themselves from the riverside towards the Pathfinders Workshop and Home.
All three stopped and Trelt began the declaration that was required by Triamese Law.
“Galt the Pathfinder!” He addressed the building. Moving around it slowly as he spoke, scanning for body heat through the walls and shutters.
No Fell Ryder had equipment akin to artifact-level, but their scry-helms, at a pinch, could do the job ofscanning buildings in this way.
The other two followed.



Full Story Here: http://www.divinglore.com/Chronicles_Of_The_Ryder_Downfall_Of_The_Galt.html

sceptre

Moved to Creative Writing.

Watch Ryder

The book is now published and online

Downfall of the Galt: Tyler Danann: Amazon.com: Kindle Store

Thanks for reading.

Antilles

Just for your information, arguing with critics, especially on a public forum where you want people to buy your work, is a terrible idea.

Comments you make like this, from your feedback page, reduce to zero any chance that I might actually read your stories.

Tyler Danann wrote:

I guess I'm not a REAL author *rolls eyes*

Haters gotta hate I guess, sucks to be you BF.

Toasterspark

Okay, so I only read the snippet at the top of the page, and already I see lots of room for improvement. It's probably 'first draft' material at present, if I'm being honest.

Here's your second paragraph:

In his eye's these were the glory days. Far from his home faction and answerable to no-one but himself he was master of all he surveyed. It was still dark in the room. The second and third-floors external shutters, installed at some expense, kept out the morning daylight nicely.

You've used a couple of 's instead of the plural s. Eye's should be eyes.

Secondly, your sentence structure is very strange. It's as if you jump into the middle of a sentence and use that as your beginning. As an example, let me rewrite that paragraph in another way.

In his eyes, these were the glory days. He was far from his home faction, some twenty-thousand miles, though here he didn't have to answer to anyone. And master of all the lands as far as the eye could see.
It was still dark in Galt's bedroom. The second floor shutters, the most expensive Parohm had probably ever seen, kept out the morning light nicely.

The way you word your sentences is quite vague and lacks direction. In my example, it's clear that it's Galt we're talking about. In yours, it's not clear who the subject of the sentence is.

I wish you good luck with your writing, but if I were you, I would edit and re-edit before I'd upload it as an e-book. There's lots of potential, but it's not a finished piece.

Watch Ryder

Antilles wrote: »

Just for your information, arguing with critics, especially on a public forum where you want people to buy your work, is a terrible idea.

Comments you make like this, from your feedback page, reduce to zero any chance that I might actually read your stories.

With fairness they haven't even bought the book so a review based on part of a story is just a bit skewed if you ask me.
I also defend my work only addressing the haters, not the 'gooders'

Toasterspark

With fairness they haven't even bought the book so a review based on part of a story is just a bit skewed if you ask me.

So opinions don't matter unless you've bought your book? You don't need to read a full book in order to make observations and see room for improvement. Especially when you have grammatical errors within the first few lines.

I think what Antilles meant, is that responding to constructive criticism with 'sucks to be you I guess' is [a] unprofessional if you want to be a author (people will google you and word will travel), and is missing out on the opportunity to strengthen what you've already written by taking on board the relevant points people make.

Watch Ryder

Toaster,

The deal is I'm not in this to 'sound professional' when I'm dealing with snotty reviewers.

Nor am I after winning the favour of the masses, I write in a niche category for niche followers who follow direct links, not breeze in with the wind like those haters did.

So far I've had a dozen or so people get my book. NOT ONE has had a problem with it, no refunds requested, nothing, nada.

I'm the amateur adventurer, the part-time writer who does it for the love of writing, not to make megabucks.
I am not going to be the next bigshot author like King or start a franchise like Rowling.
If I can get 100 people who buy my books and love them yet have another 100 who buy them but are indifferent yet 300 who attack them for itty-bitty grammar I'll be happy.
I write in this order.
Story, Spelling, then Grammar. Those are my priority's.

Criticism like yours is fair-minded and on the level, I can roll with that 'til the cows fly home.

The dross I was getting before that was just spite for pleasure and I stand up against that, instead of being a cissy.

Insect Overlord

Watch Ryder wrote: »

I write in this order.
Story, Spelling, then Grammar. Those are my priority's.

Criticism like yours is fair-minded and on the level, I can roll with that 'til the cows fly home.

The dross I was getting before that was just spite for pleasure and I stand up against that, instead of being a cissy.

This from someone who wants their writing to be read? Jesus tap-dancing Christ...

Antilles

OP, are you in your early teens? Your writing and general attitude suggest you are. If so, I hope you're not using your real name on Amazon there, because stuff like this will seriously come back to bite you in the ass later on both in your writing and in your real life.

Cavehill Red

This is a joke, right?

dogmax

Watch Ryder you need to ease down you're getting some very good advice here from people who know what they're talking about, maybe you need to take a cold shower that's if you can reach that high, sorry, but that is the way you're coming across, so relax okay.

Watch Ryder

Insect Overlord wrote: »

This from someone who wants their writing to be read? Jesus tap-dancing Christ...

LOL

Watch Ryder

Antilles wrote: »

OP, are you in your early teens? Your writing and general attitude suggest you are. If so, I hope you're not using your real name on Amazon there, because stuff like this will seriously come back to bite you in the ass later on both in your writing and in your real life.

Take a chill pill Antilles. You sound like a geriatric with that attitude.
I am young at heart I guess, didn't know that meant early teens according to ancient minds like yourself...

Toasterspark

Watch Ryder, you're missing the point of all the comments so far.

Self-publishing is not something I'm an advocate of, mainly because it removes the barriers to publication entirely, and allows everyone to submit unedited, unfinished pieces to the marketplace. Your book, as it stands, is at draft stage. And in my opinion, it is wholly unfair to charge people for your book when it isn't finished.

The good thing about publishers, agents and the traditional way of getting books to the market is that it sets a standard. You have to get your book to a certain standard before it gets into a reader's hands. And that makes sense. If someone pays you for your book, they should damn well get a proper book to read. If I bought a book and it had the grammatical mistakes yours has, I'd demand a refund. It's not good enough. At the very least, spelling and grammar must be 100% right. I don't care if you're posting a free short story on this forum, or writing a full-length book, these basics MUST be right. It's insulting to the readers if it's not. Even more so when they've been charged for the book.

I understand that writing is a hobby for you - you're not looking to make money from it really, you want to enjoy the creative process and see your writing in print. Unfortunately, that doesn't excuse poor output. If you're selling your writing, you have to give people value for money. If you can't edit your work into a standard that is worthy of payment, then offer it for free.

I've checked out your replies to the current reviews, and you add insult to injury by accosting people that paid you money for your book. It's petty, it's juvenile, and you certainly won't increase readership from doing it.

I think you need to take a step back and think about what you want from the whole thing. Because if you don't want to edit your work to a better standard, don't expect many more sales. And with your comments on Amazon, don't expect repeat customers.

Antilles

Watch Ryder wrote: »

Take a chill pill Antilles. You sound like a geriatric with that attitude.
I am young at heart I guess, didn't know that meant early teens according to ancient minds like yourself...

WR, I'm beginning to suspect you're a troll account. On the off chance that you're not, some advice I try to follow is that if one person makes a negative observation about your writing and you disagree, you can feel free to ignore it, but if a large number of people point out the same thing, then there's definitely an issue.

I'm not going to waste any more of my time with it, but good luck with your future writing.