Unhappy in a relationship I can't end.

LegacyUser

I'm male and just turned 18.

A year ago I met this girl, Sarah. She was really quiet and didn't talk to a lot of people, but we hit it off, and pretty soon she started texting me all the time and we were chatting constantly, and spent a lot of time together in school. She's extremely pretty, so I tried really hard to not let myself fall for her, and just enjoyed her company, not wanting to get burned. Eventually she started texting me things like "I can't stop thinking about you...", stuff like that. There was a period of about a week when we flirted almost constantly. A few people from my year organised a party, and we were texting/online chatting all day right until I arrived with a few of my friends. As soon as we got there, she got talking to one of my friends and I couldn't get her to talk to me all night. She ended up going home with him.

I was crushed.Our friends were confused as to what had been happening, because neither of us had really talked about each other to them though we had spent a lot of time together. when someone asked her if we had been going out or anything she replied no, and went on to talk about in detail how there was no way she would even think of going out with me.. basically I wasn't good looking enough. I figured I must have somehow imagined that we were closer then we were.

For a few days she didn't contact me, then she texted me again and once again we were chatting constantly. Again, after a while she started saying things that were not stuff you would say to someone who's just a friend, she was really flirty but I was careful not to read too much into anything. And again, we went to a party together, and she ditched me for another guy.

Being hurt for the second time, I was getting really depressed. Yet again she started texting me, except this time when she said anything flirty I changed the topic of conversation. Just focused on being her friend, since we got on so well usually. We went to the cinema with friends twice in the space of a few weeks. The first time, I simply sat next to her and she immediately gave out to me for coming on to her, saying I was only ever going to be her friend. More confusion and hurt. The second time we were getting the bus in, and when she saw the only free seat where my friends were sitting was one next to me, she muttered "SH*T" and went and sat by herself further away. Really embarrassing, especially since everyone saw her reaction. I tried to ignore it, since nobody else in our group was talking to her I ended up talking to her occasionally, though I made sure I didn't sit next to her.

Afterwards, she wouldn't talk to me for a week. She actually seemed annoyed that I had talked to her in public. It was at this point I decided I needed to stop being hurt and demeaned by her, that she had a purely negative influence on me. At the end of this week she threw a party (I wasn't invited),tried to kiss but got rejected by one of my best friends. The following morning she texted me saying she was sorry she had treated me so badly the previous few months, and that it was because she did have feelings for me that she couldn't get her head around. I didn't trust her, I knew the whole pattern was starting again. I said I was sorry but I needed to not be around her anymore. She understood, and deleted my number so she couldn't text me any more.

For a little over a month we didn't talk, and though I often felt bad that nobody ever really talked to her, but I started to get back some self-esteem and was less much depressed than I had been.

Then, she got my number back. She texted me saying she was so sorry, she couldn't cope without me, that she wished she could go back in time and stop herself ruining the best thing she'd ever had. I said sorry, but no, I couldn't go back to the way things were between us, I just wanted to move on with my life. I got one of our mutual friends to talk to her because she was really upset. Both my friend and I were really scared by some of the stuff she said, as she referenced suicide to both of us. I couldn't function the next few days, I was too overcome with guilt and fear that she might actually hurt herself. I started texting her again, and said if she felt that strongly about me then I would come back, but on the condition that we would at least try being a real couple, no more secret flirting or whatever. She agreed.

The last few weeks we got on great again, though we didn't actually get a chance to go out until a few nights ago when we went to a party together It was the first time in months that we were openly close with each other.. until someone commented on how great it was that we were finally a couple, then she immediately stopped talking to me. She spent the last half of the night flirting with another random guy.



So here I am. When isn't betraying me, I love her to bits. But I think I'm a backup, a plan B, someone to be with while she tries to get with some better guy. I can't deal with this any more. I need to move on with my life but I'm too afraid to end it because I'm sure she will beg me to come back and bring up suicide again when I say no. What can I do? Any advice is welcome (other than "you are an idiot and she is a slut")

udonwannado

"you are an idiot and she is a slut")[/QUOTE]

you already know the answer here.

tenchi-fan

She is an attention-seeking, spoiled, manipulative little girl.

What a long post you wrote, by the way. I'll summarise it:

She craves attention. When she get's your attention, she looks for even more attention off other guys. When she gets it from other guys, she treats you like sh*t. When the other guys drop her, she crawls back to you. When you refuse her, she threatens suicide.

Best thing you can do is look her in the eye, say "Sorry, it's not working out. It's not you, it's me. I'm not looking for a relationship. I hope we can still be friends." Then give the the cold shoulder until she backs off (expect 6 months, and any time you give in to her, expect the 6 months to start all over again)

The first 'suicide' text she sends you, reply saying "I'm sorry you have these feelings. I suggest you speak to someone you trust, a friend or a professional. I hope you get through it." (make sure you don't go over the 160 character limit) and ignore all subsequent texts she sends you. Block her on facebook, too, and generally try to avoid her.

m-a-i-

I'm sorry to hear your not having a great time at the moment

In my opinion its not fair for her to be so cruel to your emotions. You shouldn't have to put up with it and at 18 you are far too young to be so sad. I would try and remove all contact from her and make sure that someone other then you maybe a mutual friend or an older person (maybe a mutual friend ) know that she is having sucidal thoughts so that someone could keep an eye on her and leave you out of the picture.

Its not going to be easy to stop all contact but it will get better and you will find someone who deserves you and you deserve. You don't deserve to be emotionally blackmailed for the sake of someone's amusement.

Anyway I hope this is OK, and that you will take care

discus

The problem here isn't just her, it's you too.

You're not in a relationship. You aren't even friends with this girl. Just ignore her and move on, you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

miec

Hi Op

I can understand you're torment at present. I have been where you were and it is fncking awful.

First of you the only person you are responsible for is yourself.

Pause for a moment and look at the situation as if you are outside of it. She is flirting with you in secret, playing you off against other guys. She is using you as a Plan B, you're friends are supporting you by ignoring her because she is treating you like **** and making an idiot of herself. She is deeply screwed up person which is reflective of her behaviour towards you. You are a kind person but your kindness is being twisted against you. The point that she wanted you back was when she was alone with no one and when she is given a second chance, she used it to betray you, again.

I know it is difficult but you need to cut off all contact from her. I had a couple of ex boyfriends say to me if I leave them they will kill themselves, that was monstrously cruel of them, they tried to make me responsible for their lives and at the time I fell for it. In the end it was me who suffered more in the long run and right now you are suffering. This girl is unable to offer you real friendship or real care and it is essential that you take care of yourself. Please for your own sake cut off all contact, then spend time rebuilding your damage esteem, grief for what she put you through and know that not every girl / woman is like that thankfully and when you are healed, hopefully you will meet someone who appreciates you and treats you with respect.

LegacyUser

Have you ever even kissed this girl?

She's not going to commit suicide. She likes your attention, but she's not attracted to you, and by the sounds of it, would be ashamed if people thought she was with you.

This kind of scenario is so, so common, and the end result is never that the girl gets with the guy who is her "best friend" and who thinks he loves her.

You're being used and emotionally blackmailed. Stay away from her.

MissFlitworth

Hedgehogz wrote: »

I need to move on with my life but I'm too afraid to end it because I'm sure she will beg me to come back and bring up suicide again when I say no. What can I do? Any advice is welcome

Tell on her. Honestly. The next time she sends you a message threatening to kill herself text her to tell her that you are genuinely worried about her, you've shown all her texts to YOUR mother who agrees with you that this is something to be concerned about and that she is going to be calling over to her [head melty girls] Mother to talk to her and show her the texts she has been sending to you. You will probably never get a text from her again but if she keeps it up and she's playing the suicide card to manipulate you she'll stop because of the mortification of having her mother see the sh1te she's been sending you and worry over being frogmarched down to the doctors & if she really is depressed & suicidal she'll get help. Win Win situation

purplepapillon

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Tell on her. Honestly. The next time she sends you a message threatening to kill herself text her to tell her that you are genuinely worried about her, you've shown all her texts to YOUR mother who agrees with you that this is something to be concerned about and that she is going to be calling over to her [head melty girls] Mother to talk to her and show her the texts she has been sending to you. You will probably never get a text from her again but if she keeps it up and she's playing the suicide card to manipulate you she'll stop because of the mortification of having her mother see the sh1te she's been sending you and worry over being frogmarched down to the doctors & if she really is depressed & suicidal she'll get help. Win Win situation

Agree with majority - she sounds so manipulative. I had a friend once who did this to guys. It was all a joke to her. This kind of thing is taken too lightly by some teens especially and then it takes the real seriousness out of suicide.

Don't cower to her threats. Do exactly as Miss Flitworth says. Or, if not that, talk to someone in school, such as a teacher you like and they can deal with her parents rather than involving your own parents if you'd prefer.

Hedgehogz

Hedgehogz wrote: »

So here I am. When isn't betraying me, I love her to bits. But I think I'm a backup, a plan B, someone to be with while she tries to get with some better guy. I can't deal with this any more. I need to move on with my life

You should have stopped here. This is all true and it's good to see you've got your head in the right place.

but I'm too afraid to end it because I'm sure she will beg me to come back and bring up suicide again when I say no. What can I do?

It's quite simply not your problem. If you want to be a good friend, advise her to seek help or report your concern to a person of authority (parent, principal).

She is using your good nature to turn you into her back up boyfriend. When she need a self esteem boost, she just pushes whatever buttons, throws the word suicide out there, and suddenly has you looking after her and giving her attention. When she thinks she has a chance with someone else, she not only drops you, but she gets enjoyment out of hurting you. She puts you in a position where you have to feel responsible for her life. If someone said to you, "make sure I'm happy 24/7 even though it hurts you, or you'll have a death on your hands", what would you do? You know what to do. Inform someone who can actually help if she does have a problem. Then drop her and don't respond to her manipulation.

CDfm

OP she seems quite the little madame & more than a little insincere.

First things first. At 18 you feel awkward as hell and its an age and inexperience thing. So being awkward is normal - it is her behaviour that isn't. My kids would call her a try-hard.

My view is drop her totally as a friend. If she doesnt want to be seen with or associated with you or to hang with you when there is no-one else available then whats in it for you. You know that she behaves like that as it has been repeated to you and that her behaviour is commented on by others -so it is not approved of by your peer group.

Someone who wont be seen with you in public and puts you down isnt a friend. Dont waste your time with her.

I reckon that she is the friendless one who is trying to fit in and not you.

I have to agree that if you get any more suicide threats, you need to bring them to someone e.g. your mother or her mother. If she is genuine she will have help, if she is not she'll be mortified and stop trying to manipulate you. Keep a copy of the texts either way.

Either way, cut her out and forget her.

Zen65

MissFlitworth wrote: »

The next time she sends you a message threatening to kill herself text her to tell her that you are genuinely worried about her, you've shown all her texts to YOUR mother who agrees with you that this is something to be concerned about and that she is going to be calling over to her [head melty girls] Mother to talk to her and show her the texts she has been sending to you.

This is excellent advice, Op, I think you would be wise to follow it.

You are being played by a girl who enjoys the attention. She most likely plays this same game with others too, or has done in the past. She considers it a laugh, but has no real intentions towards you.

You need to move on, and stop enabling her behaviour.

Be at peace,

Z

CDfm

purplepapillon wrote: »

Agree with majority - she sounds so manipulative. I had a friend once who did this to guys. It was all a joke to her. This kind of thing is taken too lightly by some teens especially and then it takes the real seriousness out of suicide.

Don't cower to her threats. Do exactly as Miss Flitworth says. Or, if not that, talk to someone in school, such as a teacher you like and they can deal with her parents rather than involving your own parents if you'd prefer.

I like this idea - and I am a parent.

At 18 you are an adult and when the death penalty was operative in Ireland 18 year olds got hanged. Until recently it was not unusual for 18 year olds to manage businesses so you have to behave like an adult with this.

Her threat of suicide hits you at an emotional level and even if she did harm herself it is not your problem. For her to qualify or be included in your life as a friend her behavior would have to be a lot different than it has been.

In an adult world things operate differently & if I had someone like an ex girlfriend threaten suicide to me I would report it to the guards. Thats what people do.

In your situation ,reporting the threat to the school should be sufficient.

Firetrap

I think the advice of telling her you're going to show the message to her mum/other appropriate adult figure is a great one. Obviously I don't know the girl but she sounds like a master manipulator who is playing you like a fiddle. I doubt very much that she is suicidal but she is using it as a very effective tool to reel you in. And if she is actually suicidal, she needs professional help. You're not the one who can save her.

As for yourself, you have identified the bigger problem. You do need to decisively cut her out of your life and move on. Don't contact her, block her on Facebook, don't talk to her at parties etc. You know yourself that she is bad for you and that she'll only give you the time of day until something better comes along. That pattern could repeat itself over and over for years to come if you aren't careful.

Vicxas

Sorry OP sounds like you're her emotional punching bag, designed to make her feel better.

Fluorescence

You're an ego boost for her. Dump her (not that I'd say you guys are really together to be honest) and tell her you never want to hear from her head-wrecking slutty self again. If she threatens suicide do as MissFlitworth suggests. Not that she would commit suicide anyway. She's just looking for attention, the skank.

Tea-a-Maria

OP, what surprises me is the title of this thread.You are not in a relationship with this girl at all,she has been playing you and manipulating you since the start and you are enabling her.That is not a relationship!

You should have steered clear of this piece of work after the first party.To string you along like that and then mention to others how she wouldn't go out with you on account of your looks is just plain horrible.:(

Nor would I take too much heed of these suicide threats.They are just a way of getting your attention and guilt tripping you back into her life.I think that the idea of showing the texts to her mother idea is a brilliant one.Aside from that,you should change your number again so she can't contact you.

You have been nothing but kind to her,chatting to her when she was very quiet, but you have been messed about by her enough and have nothing to gain by staying in touch. Let her know you won't listen to her pleas for attention anymore and cut her out.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for the advice and support everyone, I'm cutting off contact with her asap, and I've let our mutual friends know what the deal is so they can keep an eye on her. Everything you've all said has been true and extremely helpful. Just a few things I want to clear up- The reason the suicide thing worried me so much is she does have a (short) history of self abuse, combined with the fact that I know what it's like to lose someone to suicide. Yes we have kissed on a few occasions. There have been times when I have been going through problems that she has said and done amazing things to help me with without being asked... but I'm not going to dwell on those moments anymore, because they pale in comparison to everything else she's done.

In retrospect using the word "relationship" in the title was a bad choice. I didn't mean it in the romantic sense, were never actually dating, but rather the more literal sense I guess- sort of the same way a parasite has a "relationship" with it's host. I get why people pointed that out though, I phrased it totally wrong.

Anyway like I said, You've all been extremely helpful and supportive. I wrote this out more for the sake of writing out than expecting any sympathy or advice, but you've all been awesome. Cannot thank you enough.