He left, now what?

LegacyUser

I had been having a casual relationship with my best friend for about three years up until February of this year. During last summer I had decided I wanted to go to South Korea to teach. After telling him about it he decided to also apply for the company I was going for. We both got the job but he was faster about getting his documents sorted and after some strong thinking I chose not to put mine through because I felt that the two of us separating would be good for our friendship.
At this point I should mention that, while we were best friends and having a sexual relationship I wanted more while he didn't. I tried my best not to go back but it was very difficult when we spent so much time together and when he initiated what I wanted so much. So I chose to try and rectify the glitch in our friendship by not going to the same country with him. That way the space and time apart I could get over him and we could eventually move on and just be friends. February came and I was incredibly upset the night of his departure. As was he. He cried about the fact that he was leaving me. Something I never expected to hear.
He arrived in Korea and for the two weeks of his orientation he professed his undying love for me. He said he didn't know how it wasn't so clear to him before then, that he really needed me, that he couldn't bear to be without me for a year and that he would either have to leave or else I would have to come to him.
Despite the initial shock of hearing this, I was overjoyed inside. I couldn't believe the person I had wanted for years finally wanted me. Then the truly unexpected happened. And I feel such a fool.
Yes. He met someone else. We agreed in the time that we were apart it was only right that we be allowed to be with other people since it could be anything up to 6 months or a year. However, I did not expect to be replaced. He said to me that he did not have the same connection with this girl as he did with me yet it is the little things that he has done for her that he would enver do for me that kill me. I have now blocked him on facebook etc because I cannot bear to see the pictures as they are all with her. His time is spent all with her and all the pictures show this. He no longer speaks to me. Before her, he would phone me and email me daily. I haven't heard from him in weeks.

I am just so hurt by it all that I truly feel like I am on the brink. I have nightmares about it, wishing that he was just here with me. I hate the fact that every morning I have to wake up and face the harsh reality of it all. He's changed so much towards me, all I get from him is pure hatred. He was my best friend. How could he lie to me about how he felt.. How could he hurt me the way he has.. How could the appearance of one person who he barely even knows evict me from his life like that.. Before he left I was so ready to accept the fact that he'd be gone and I'd have to move on. He's ruined everything now and I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again.. I just don't know what to do.. I'm just so lost and hurt and I can't face it anymore.

IrishEyes19

OP, Im sorry that you are hurting so much right now. I think the pain is even worse because he's not only the guy you fell for, but also your best friend, so you are mending a huge broken heart here.

I think the problem with your friend is that he was torn between two, the fear of you two being official was probably because he felt if it would end, it could potentially destroy your friendship. Also perhaps the fact that you gave each other free licence to be with whoever when he left, awoke him to the reality of the seperation.

I do believe you have to move on from here. And dont feel you cant trust again. That would be very unfortunate, considering how many nice guys there are out there. I know right now you feel he is the one, and that isnt true. He was the only one..............thats the difference, when you surrounded yourself with someone, when it ends the pain is terrible, but it does get better with time, little by little.

do yourself a favour and try to move on a little. I know its tough though. Best of luck to you

thecookingapple

Move on: thats what now.....learn from this and next time put your own needs first, if you love someone then dont come to an agreement that you can see other people, even if seperated for a year which is no time at all.

as for a true friend? a true friend would not treat you like this, they would have tact and understanding.

you will meet someone genuine and cool and being resentful and untrusting of people will only ever damage one person:You!

wishing you the best.

Taltos

OP - I think the 2 previous posters pretty much have this nailed. I would like to add however that as much as you blame him you have to take some responsibility as well here.

At any point in the last few years you could have walked away.
Since last Summer you could have chosen to go to Korea.
Also you could have told him that no - while separated by distance you could not agree to seeing anyone else.

Look at it from his perspective - you both planned to go away for a year teaching - time to spend together without the distractions of family and home - and what do you do? Well you let him go alone... And then you say it is OK to see other people. I too think I would be angry, angry and disappointed I had wasted time on someone who didn't care enough...

All around this relationship has been beset by communication issues and lack of clear and firm decisions. Please do learn from this - but also realise - as tough as things are right now - they will only get better... Just learn from this - never settle for someone not as committed as you are - and you definitely deserve more than he was able to give you.

Firetrap

Sorry that you're hurting. I think because of this, you're blowing some of it out of proportion e.g. the hatred bit.

I wonder did this guy start professing undying love for you out there because he was lonely, stressed and understandably feeling out of his depth? All the time both of you were in Ireland, he didn't want the same things you did. That's a warning sign IMHO. Why didn't you become his girlfriend seeing as ye were such good friends and were having sex?

You also can't throw stones because you did say that ye could see other people. So it's not as if he was cheating on you. Also, if his feelings for you were really that strong, would he have looked at this other girl twice? 6 months isn't that long a time to wait!

He might have told you that he didn't connect with this girl in the same way to make you feel better. But like you said, it's the actions which speak louder than words. There could be all sorts of reasons why he has not contacted you. He might not want to rub your nose in it because he knows how you feel. He might not want to hurt his new girlfriend. He might even think that if you don't hear from him, that you can move on with your own life.

greenprincess

Hi OP,

I feel your pain. I have just broken up with my boyfriend to and it sucks. Like your heart actually aches?!
But I keep hearing it gets better. I dont know how you are, but for me, I dont go a day with out hurting, yet there are times in the day when I dont. I am just hoping these times will gradually get longer!

Hang in there