Pregnant again following the death of a child

LegacyUser

Hi all

I'm the mother of a beautiful little boy, Ben. Ben was taken from us very suddenly following an accident just over nineteen months ago. He was two and a half.

We had wanted a child for so long, and cherished every minute we had him with us. He's such a happy healthy little boy. Perfect in every way.

After it happened my partner and I agreed that we could never do it again. Ben is irreplacable, and we also said we could never risk going through the heartache and pain again. Of course we don't regret having him - the happiness he brought to us was just ... well, it was amazing. But we're still in so much pain, we'll never stop missing him and loving him and thinking of him every day for the rest of our lives. So we agreed it wouldn't be fair to have another child. It wouldn't be fair on ourselves or on the child.

However it's happened. Somehow I'm five months pregnant. Against the odds.

I'm terrified. This little person inside of me, I already love him or her with every bit of me. I didn't think I could love another child, but, my God, I really do. Infinitely. Before I've even met them. Even though we didn't plan this, I'm overwhelmed by how strong my attachment is to this little one already. Just as I felt when pregnant with Ben. Of course this baby can't replace my Ben, but I love him/her with the same intensity ... I never thought this could be possible.

But how can I be a good mother to this baby? All I want is to be the best mother I can be, but how can I do that when I know I am never, ever going to "get over" losing my Ben. I have fears that I will be a horribly overbearing overprotective mother, that I will be so scared of my child being hurt again, that I will ruin his/her childhood by not allowing them any freedom.

What if it's a boy and he looks just like Ben? Or what if he's nothing like Ben, in any way, and I somehow resent him for it, without meaning to?

I'm just afraid that I'm going to be a terrible mother and destroy this little person because they are being brought into a household with two grieving parents ... I'm afraid the child will grow up in the shadow of this big brother he never knew.

What I'm looking for here is practical advice, and particularly from anyone who knows someone who has been in a similar situation. How do I handle this? For example, should I leave all the photos of Ben that we have displayed all over the house? Should we talk about Ben much as the child is growing up? My partner and I are doing our best to live our lives, but we still have bad days. I get upset and I cry. I never saw my parents cry when I was growing up and we would never have cried in front of Ben. I just don't want us to mess up this little person's childhood.

I'd very much appreciate any opinions or advice.

Ayla

My God, sarahmaria, as a parent to two girls, I fear losing them every day of our lives. I cannot possibly imagine the pain that you & your partner have gone through for the last 19 months, but I can sympathize with your fears for your second child.

I cannot offer any practical advise (for which I'm grateful) but the fact that this has happened in your life I would take as a good thing. Perhaps it will help you and your partner heal, or at least find some peace with the feelings you have as you meet & learn to love this new person in your lives.

I can only imagine that the pain you are feeling for your lost child will never leave, but I think you'll find an enormous capacity to love your newborn. You may or may not find similarities between your children, but you will reconcile them in time. And if your child finds you crying sometimes, you will be able to explain that to him/her when they are of an age to understand, and s/he may just surprise you with their acceptance and sympathy.

In the meantime, the only suggestion I would have to you & your partner is that you both continue to communicate your feelings with each other. The next months will be a massive rollercoaster for you both, and it's imperative that you understand each other as much as possible. In fact, it may help to seek professional councelling to help keep the communication open.

I wish you the very best.

CrazyRabbit

If you love this child even half as much as Ben, then he/she is going to be a very lucky child indeed.

Ben was, and still is a major part of your lives. And he will be a part of this baby's life. I don't think you should hide Ben's existence as that wouldn't be fair to the new child or to Ben's memory.

This new child will be completely different from Ben. Yes, he/she will bring back memories of Ben from time to time...that's to be expected. But they will have their own personality, their own spirit, and you will love them because of this.

Don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that you are so worried about these things tells me that you'll be a good mother. I'd be more concerned if you didn't have these feelings. I think it's normal, and the fact that you are aware of these possible issues now will help you deal with them more rationally when the time comes.

I wish you, your partner the new baby the very best!

Tony

aujopimur

I can't offer you any advice, but you seem such a great couple I wish you the best with your new baby.

Daisy M

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056229799&page=2
Have a look at post no. 22 this amazingly brave lady has been through a similar experience and writes so elequently about her experience.
I am so sorry for you loss and will say a prayer for your lovely Ben and you your husband and new addition. I think you will be a great mum to your new baby. Its great that you are recognising concerns you have and looking for a way to overcome them. Best of luck with the rest of your lives.

sam34

i am the youngest child in a family , and my parents first child died long before i was born. they always talked to us about him, always made reference to him, they used to tell us we had our own angel in heaven minding us. we would visit his grave with them etc.

we never felt overshadowed by their grief... it was just there and was part of things. they would cry about him, on anniversaries etc and when talking about special family events. we always included him in the prayers of the faithful at weddings/funerals etc.

i hope that the above doesnt make it sound lik we had a morbid household, kids traipsing off to teh graveyard etc, it wasnt OTT but they just very naturally made him part of our lives.

hope this helps

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for the replies. Much appreciated. Sam34 - your post was very reassuring. Thank you. The way your parents brought you up does make a lot of sense. I suppose I was sort of wondering whether I should try to, I don't know, try not to make Ben a part of this little one's life. But I know that realistically that's just not possible, and it wouldn't be at all right, either.

It seems strange to think that Ben will be this little baby's big brother. But my partner and I constantly think of all the little milestones. Things like, he should be starting school in September. It's strange to think that, please God, this baby will get to the age that Ben was when the accident happened, and then he or she will get older, will start school, will grow up ... and all we can do is to just imagine Ben doing the things that this baby will do. The things that Ben should have been doing first. I guess it'll end up that, really, Ben will always be this child's baby brother. It's strange to think of it that way.

D1stant

I think I have a fair idea of what you are feeling OP. Even though I feel very strongly that each experience of grief is as individual as the person being grieved for. But I see similarities.

Two-and-a-half years ago, we lost our baby girl at nine weeks from a chromosomal disorder. She was diagnosed after her birth and we knew from very early on that she would die. So in a way, we were kind of prepared. The grief was and still is overwhelming at times. And for long time, I had huge fears that my son, who was 14 months when she died, would be taken from us too. I became a hyper-vigilant parent. I still am but have accepted this as part of the person I am now.

We were a long time decided whether to have another baby again. I really wanted a sibling for our son but I ezperienced all the same worries as you did. Would a new baby feel that they were just a replacement for the one we lost? Would we be able to love it as much etc? We bit the bullet last year and now have a beautiful 12 week old baby girl.

It's amazing really. You think your heart is full to over-flowing with love for the ones you have and lost but amazingly, it either makes room or gets bigger to accommodate the new arrival. I will say that she is a dote of a baby and quite easy to love. She is similar to her sister in ways but very much her own person too. And it's only now that I feel myself able to breathe again and relax and enjoy her. It's been hard too though. Each milestone reached is a happy occasion but also a reminder of what you have lost. I still miss my first daughter and even more so now than ever before.

I'm not sure about an afterlife. I really hope there is one. But I do feel that if there is, her big sister is guarding her and keeping her safe and that she almost sent her to us.

We speak about our first daughter all the time. The house is full of her pictures and hand prints and little things. We visit her grave quite often and make a nice day of it. Over time, the walls and shelves will fill up too with even more pictures of the newbies! She lived, breathed, had a PPSN and was a very unique person and we are not going to forget that. Ever. And I think my kids will be better people for it. They will also see that we bore this huge grief and got up and carried on despite it.

I cannot imagine the shock and the horror and pain of losing Ben. I am so sorry for your huge loss. To lose a child really is to live a nightmare. But you will love this baby too and you will also give him or her the benefit of knowing their big brother in all the ways you can. You have happy days ahead again and reasons to smile and burst out laughing and put your wonderful parenting and huge love into another unique little person.

I am lighting a candle that it will all go well.

As in the John O'Donohue blessing - Ben will parent your hearts forever and persuade the moon to send new gifts ashore x

Sleepy

OP, I'd be very confident you won't make any of the mistakes you're worring about with your new child.

Why?

Because you're aware of the potential mistakes you could make with your second child and attempting to address them at this early stage. I've noticed a trait amongst people: we very rarely make the same mistakes our own parents made, we make entirely new ones with our children who, in turn, will make their own mistakes with their children.

None of us is perfect, none of us will ever be "super-parent". We'll all make mistakes of some kind, whether it's being far too relaxed about something we should be worried about or being totally smothering about the most trivial issues.

Just do the best you can and I'm sure your baby will turn out fine