whats he thinking?

LegacyUser

thinking i need a male perspective here.
a few years ago i was seeing this guy, after a few months he just went ballistic one night and i never heard from him again until 6 months later when he texted and wanted to apologise.he had his reasons,drugs etc!,and even though he had acquired a girlfriend in the meantime we started messing around!then after 8 or 9 months we fell out and a year or so later(two months ago) he got in contact again.he came over that night and was crying and falling to pieces, talking about ending it all and how depressed he was etc and he was crying sayiong how bad he felt about messing me around.fine!fair enough,im probably too forgiving but i wanted to be there for him.of course we ended up sleeping with each other for a few weeks but when i thought i was preggo i stopped it and he suggested we try the friend thing because he doesnt want to lose me.just to clarify,he's still with his girlfriend and claims he loves her!
anyway, my question is, how can he claim to love her and LIKE me and text me nearly everyday for hours on end and not be guilt ridden?because,other than one or two if his mates,no 1 knows about me?!im mad about him,always have been but dont think he wants me like that cuz he loves his gf,but why is he keeping round and in his life?especially given we aint having sex anymore? i just dont know what is going on in that head of his.
any clues???

(oh and the depression he was going through is okay now.ive been helping him as has a professional!)

sam34

moved to RI

LegacyUser

He's thinking he can have his cake and eat it. No more, no less.

Drop him and move on. He's using you.

Firetrap

I don't think the workings or lack of in this guy's head should be your concern. He sounds like a headwreck and you're way too wrapped up in this for your own good.

Kimia

I'm going to be blunt.

He's keeping you around for an ego boost, as he is aware of your feelings for him, and the fact that you have sex with him whenever he gets upset. Sorry.

dixiefly

random guesto wrote: »

thinking i need a male perspective here.
a few years ago i was seeing this guy, after a few months he just went ballistic one night and i never heard from him again until 6 months later when he texted and wanted to apologise.he had his reasons,drugs etc!,and even though he had acquired a girlfriend in the meantime we started messing around!then after 8 or 9 months we fell out and a year or so later(two months ago) he got in contact again.he came over that night and was crying and falling to pieces, talking about ending it all and how depressed he was etc and he was crying sayiong how bad he felt about messing me around.fine!fair enough,im probably too forgiving but i wanted to be there for him.of course we ended up sleeping with each other for a few weeks but when i thought i was preggo i stopped it and he suggested we try the friend thing because he doesnt want to lose me.just to clarify,he's still with his girlfriend and claims he loves her!anyway, my question is, how can he claim to love her and LIKE me and text me nearly everyday for hours on end and not be guilt ridden?because,other than one or two if his mates,no 1 knows about me?!im mad about him,always have been but dont think he wants me like that cuz he loves his gf,but why is he keeping round and in his life?especially given we aint having sex anymore? i just dont know what is going on in that head of his.
any clues???

(oh and the depression he was going through is okay now.ive been helping him as has a professional!)

I think you should be asking questions of yourself before you begin to figure out his head.

Did it or does it concern you that you were messing around and sleeping with this guy while he had a girlfriend he claims he loved? Your post doesnt seem to factor her in at all....you even say " he had acquired a girlfriend"!!

Do you feel because you had him first that he is open season or would you jump into bed with anyone irrespective as to whether they had a wife / partner /girlfriend?

LegacyUser

Im not having sex with him anymore.that has stopped!we have met up a few times since and nothing sexual has happened.
and yeah,i may be wrapped up in this a bit but hes a human being with feelings and forgive me for wanting to try and help someone when they are down.
and the girlfriend thing, dont think i didnt go through the guilt trip thing already.the reason i stopped having sex with him was because i was literally making myself sick with stress over it.and the end of the day, yeah it was ****ty of me to sleep with someone who has a girlfriend but,and this may seem harsh,but im not cheating on anyone.he is/was!!i know this will not sit well with ye but its true. have any of ye ever made a stupid decision in your lives that may have hurt someone else?! exactly!!

LegacyUser

random guesto wrote: »

anyway, my question is, how can he claim to love her and LIKE me and text me nearly everyday for hours on end and not be guilt ridden?because,other than one or two if his mates,no 1 knows about me?!im mad about him,always have been but dont think he wants me like that cuz he loves his gf,but why is he keeping round and in his life?especially given we aint having sex anymore? i just dont know what is going on in that head of his.
any clues???

(oh and the depression he was going through is okay now.ive been helping him as has a professional!)

ok ive had male friends like that (but not the girlfriends and sex situation) who have for one reason or other been abusive towards me when under influence of drugs and alcohol. Then disappeared. Then met up again all sob stories of the mess they have made for themselves in their life, friends not talking to them, girlfriend's left them, the whole "woe is me" apparent tragedy that they made for themselves.

Out of sympathy and being a nice person, our friendship, despite having not heard from him in a couple years, went back to the same way, him confiding in me about their woes and troubles, me helping him and being friends.

hindsight is a great thing. a lot of on/off friendship happens, and I was often in the situation where he wanted more than friendship but was not reciprocated on my side, despite the fact that he would attempt to pressure me into having sex whenever he was off his head or feeling sorry for himself.

Short answer - he's keeping you around so that he can manipulate you and your sympathy with these sob stories and use you to get sex out of you (even pity sex).

How does he not have a conscience? Because he doesn't care that he's sleeping with two women and takes it that you're happy being the bit on the side whenever he feels down in himself to boost his ego.... because he knows you have feelings for him and that he can rely on you to always offer support when he needs it and do anything for him.

save yourself a lot of trouble and ditch this person out of your life for good. he is just using you and will do it to the next female friends he has (another words, more sob stories, not my fault, it's the drugs blah blah) that will act comforting towards him and that he confide in that will listen to him about his troubles and manipulate them.

LegacyUser

once a similar friend has gotten through to me.think i just needed to hear it from a different perspective.
even though hes been texting all weekend(as hes sick in bed) iv replied cuz im bored but iv written out a really long message letting him know how i feel.that what hes doing is wrong and how its making me feel like crap and used.i dont know whether to text it to him or wait til hes over his sickness and speak to him face to face?!

i know now what has to be said and even though it does hurt,as i do really like him as a person, i gotta do it and let him go because the longer i leave it, the worse its going to feel

dont know why im crying,maybe because im realising how stupid ive been.

LegacyUser

random guesto wrote: »

i dont know whether to text it to him or wait til hes over his sickness and speak to him face to face?!

He does not deserve a face to face conversation. Send him the text and tell him it's over. If he ever contacts you again, DO NOT REPLY as he'll be trying to stop you getting on with your life. His actions thus far have shown you that he comes first, not you. So you can be sure if he does contact you again, you know he'll be doing it just to serve his own selfish intentions.

inexperienced

"dont know why im crying,maybe because im realising how stupid ive been."

OP, we all have been stupid sometimes. same here. i can ehco your feeling. learn from it. just be careful next time.

i think it's good that you let him know how crap he makes you feel. hope he would learn from it too.

but well, just avoid him from now on, expand your social circle so you can distract yourself from him.