Need to cut a friend out of my life

smellslikelemon

As the title says, I need to get this person out of my life but there's so many obstacles and conditions in my way that I don't think I can do an outright "please get out of my life" face to face confrontation.
I'll give a bit of background here, we're both female, met in secondary school, were very good friends for about two years, until I noticed that she seemed obsessed with me.

She's acted like a jealous girlfriend over me hanging out with other friends, tried to force me into saying "I love you" while she was drunk, many drunken acts, because she can't control herself when she drinks. Always drinking to the point of 'no return'. So she drapes herself on me at this stage and starts introducing me to people as her best friend (the feeling is not mutual here),then she finds something to cry over. Or if she's drinking without me, she rings me drunkenly and sometimes crys down the phone. (I've also had to lose friends over nothing because she decides that they've hurt her somehow emotionally)
This is a completely negative part of my life I just want to lose..

Now comes the complicated part, as you may have guessed this girl isn't emotionally stable, she has a lot of issues, self-esteem, abandonment issues etc. I know for a fact that she tried to end her life 'before our friendship'. She could still go that way, as she is still very fragile. My mother is another issue, she feels sorry for this girl and as such forces me to keep her in my life. She knows I just want to get away but the girl reminds her of her own sister who committed suicide about twenty years ago.

I've tried subtly not being there, ignoring texts and so on. I know I sound like an awful human being but I just don't care anymore. I feel like I've been used and abused and had to comfort this crying female a lot, and put up with her acting like she's married to me.
A huge break away seems like it's just going to cause huge emotional damage to her, but at the same time I feel like if I continue, then I'm going to break down.

Some advice would be nice.

MitchKoobski

You're not awful.

You've been more than resonable and have put up with more than I could in that situation. You said it yourself, you've lost friends already because of her and her randomly deciding those friends have hurt her somehow.

The girl needs help, but the more you put up with her the worse things are going to get for you. I'd keep up the lack of contact, or at least keep it at a crawl until it stops altogether.

johnboysligo

smellslikelemon wrote: »

I've tried subtly not being there, ignoring texts and so on.

She probably doesn't understand subtly, be upfront and tell here why you don't want to be her friend don't got dragging up old stuff just tell her you are not comfortable being friends with someone who is so self destructive, this might help her view herself and her behavior and change it. Ask her to stop calling you while drunk and gain some self control.

That said don't be surprised if she gets angry and lashes out at you, just take the high road and keep your cool.

Ignoring someone is never nice trust me I've been the ignored once I would rather have been told what was wrong then had to guess and keep pestering someone I thought was a friend but really just hated me.

LegacyUser

First of all you need to have a chat to your Mother and explain that you are not responsible for this girl, that she is toxic and you need her out of your life. Your poor Mother obviously will think of her sister, but this girl is not your Aunt and you are not responsible for her. Tell your Mother you are going to cut this person off and you won't be guilt manipulated into changing your mind.

Now to the girl. No she won't want to understand subtlety. Because it won't suit her to take personal responsibility and see it is her own behaviour driving people away. So you will have to be straight. She won't want to hear it and will be angry and unreasonable at you. So please expect that.

Wait until the next time she contacts you to ask you to come out with her. Then just explain you dont want to. Explain you do not enjoy spending any time with her when she is drunk. Explain she is very clingy, needy and annoying. That's it. She will either go ballistic or cry and beg and wheedle. Don't fall for any promises. Say you've had enough and you've given her enough chances.

IF she threatens suicide, let her see you will not be manipulated by that. Have the number of the Samaretins ready and give that to her.

She has serious problems. Problems that professionals need to teach her to sort out. You can't do it and you are right to get her out of your life.

ScumLord

If she's in such a bad state maybe try getting her to get help for it. That would include alone time for her as she's getting the help that she needs. If she's really unstable and prone to doing anything you could be left with the guilt of "what if" should anything happen.

Have a frank chat with her if she doesn't like what you have to say the friendships over and it's not your fault. She'll either see the errors of her ways or continue on, regardless the burdens off your shoulders.

She sounds like a desperate person the nicest thing to do would be try to help her.

Agent J

You sound like you have had enough of this and quite right too. If i am reading this situation right(And correct me otherwise) you have been nothing but a kind caring & considerate friend going well above the call of duty for many years at this point. A friendship is supposed to be a two wau street but something its all take and no give. Some people dont know when to say stop for their own good.

Its what i think of as the "lifeguard" princple. You do as much as you can for someone else but if there choice is between my survival and theirs then i choose mine. I can only be responsable for myself and no one else.

1) Your mother.

Tell her you are not a professional and have done your best but if you dont take action now then you will be the one seeking professional help pretty soon. If she doesnt like it then tell her to take over. You are done.

2) Your "friend"

Im pretty much in agreement with bunbuns here. Any action to solve this to your satification will result in making things temporarily worse. However you need to stick to your guns and meet any attempt at emotional blackmail or manipulation with the appriopiate response.

Personal opinion based on experience? That response is to walk away and leave them to it.

That might sound harsh but once they reach a line where no matter what do you just makes them and you worse you must consider retreat. You cannot be responable for anyone elses happyness.

By all means try to get them help if you feel you are able however your primary concern should be yourself.

ScumLord

Agent J wrote: »

Im pretty much in agreement with bunbuns here. Any action to solve this to your satification will result in making things temporarily worse.

Well then she should be honest, if the relationship is doomed she might as well be up front as to why. Be honest and hopefully the friend will learn from it.

Making up excuses and lies to cover the breakup is just wrong, it's cowardliness.

CDfm

I think you are being really manipulated by the girl and your mother.

You are not responsible for her and you should say to your Mum that having X around is making you unhappy and indeed dealing with someone with a history and issues can rub off on you. Her behaviour when drinking has rubbed off on you -big time. If its your Mum who wants to help her -then let her do so but not to involve you.

I think you need to speak to the girl and tell her that her behavior is a bit off -especially when she is drinking and that you dont really like hanging out with her or getting calls from her when she drinks. Also -consider changing number or blocking hers and telling others not to give her your number.

There is no easy way of doing this and there is a bit of Emotional Blackmail here.

http://www.angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail.html

Agent J

ScumLord wrote: »

Well then she should be honest, if the relationship is doomed she might as well be up front as to why. Be honest and hopefully the friend will learn from it.

Making up excuses and lies to cover the breakup is just wrong, it's cowardliness.

Er? I missed something here. Im not advocating deception.

smellslikelemon

That article about the emotional blackmail is brilliant, I recognised a few things there that have been said/done.

She's constantly trying to buy/give me gifts (that I don't want and can't afford to reciprocate) and the passive agression.
It's really helpful with the responses and I see I was going around things the wrong way.

I just found out that she's dropped out of her college course and is doing a course closer to my college. She probably thinks that means we can live together next year, but that's finally something I got my mother to agree on.

All of your advice has been helpful here, so thank you all c:

boomkatalog

Oh OP I know just how you feel Had a similiar situation a few years back, and that girl was a little... well, something wasn't right. My mother made some tactless remark about how I was the girls only friend and if I ditched her, and she committed suicide, it'd be my fault :rolleyes:

Thing is, people like this bring you down. You can't help her, and she's doing nothing for you. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, cutting her out of your life isn'yt selfish, it's not like you didn't give the girl a chance, but toxic relationships of any description are not good. You don't deserve to have such a burden on your shoulders, nor should you continue to tolerate it. Hope it works out ok for you