Long term relationship, make or break?

LegacyUser

I've been in a long term relationship, 12 years. My BF wants marriage, kids etc. We've had a rocky relationship at times but mostly good and we've smoothed over the things that made it rocky in the past. I think had he wanted these things ten years ago I would have done it in a second but now our relationship has become kind of stale and boring. I love him dearly, think he is great but keep finding myself questioning 'is it right'? I'm scared at this stage of my life of going out on my own and throwing away a good relationship with a great guy. I'm also scared of still questioning it further down the road when there might be kids involved and always wondering should I have left? I feel like a bitch because he deserves to feel love and dedication and deserves to be with someone who appreciates him and I feel like I don't, even though I should. Am I just expecting too much? Is it normal to feel this way after so long with the same person. There's a part of me that just yearns for that feeling of being in love again and I know that if we continue together then i'll never have that feeling or that passion again. Yes, we try and spice things up etc. but there's only so much that people can do. Ultimately after a long time it does get boring?

I am a friend

Can you imagine your life without him and to see him married to someone else with kids with them? How does that make you feel?

Rufus the brave

Well, the answer to this seems glaringly obvious to me. You need to take a lover. It's kind of inevitable that a sexual relationship won't be on fire after 12 years, so why not just take a lover? What your partner doesn't know won't hurt him.

Of course, there will be lots of sanctimonious bores on here who will shout me down, but it seems like the logical solution to me.

Rufus.

Rufus the brave

I would stick with the long term relationship, obviously relationships can go stale sexually speaking, but that's life. You can take a lover to spice things up on your own time. That is my sincere advice.

baby and crumble

"take a lover"? HOW is this the right thing to do? She says nothing about unfulfilled sexual desire (not that that would make it ok in my opinion). She loves him, she just wants a bit of excitement. You can get that without cheating (which is would be, if her bf doesn't give his permission)

OP, don't do this. You need to be honest with him. Maybe he doesn't see the relationship as any different now that a few years ago- what you see as boring, he might see as stability! So you guys need to come to a compromise or something, or else you will have years and year of regret and resentment towards him.

LegacyUser

Do you still love him? I only ask because you havn't said whether its him or the relationship your bored with. If you no longer enjoy his company or him as a person it might be time to call it a day. If its just that the relationship, after 12 years has become routine and stale I would say stay. You can make a relationship interesting again but making an effort to do some new things together. It would probably be alot harder to walk away from someone you have a life with and expect to find another person you like who will still be exciting in 12 years time.

Rufus the brave

You could be right, she didn't really define what she meant by stale. I just presumed she meant on a sexual level. :rolleyes:

RUFUS THE BRAVE

LegacyUser

Yes it is stale sexually but it's more than that. I love this man but I guess he doesn't interest me anymore but I'm sure this is normal when people have been together a long time? I get really bored if it's just the two of us for the weekend, i need us to meet up with friends etc. and if we don't I get a bit fed up with just his company. That's a bad sign really isn't it?

Yes I can imagine my life without him. I don't really feel ready for marriage and kids but I guess I'm scared of breaking up with him and then regretting it when I do want those things. Maybe I wouldn't meet anyone else and I'd realise that I was on to a good thing. I know that's very selfish thinking like that. I guess I wonder that the fact that i'm questioning it means it's not right but does everyone question it? Some people seem to meet, fall in love, get married and start making babies and appear to me to do it without questioning it.