Attracted to the wrong types of guys

LegacyUser

I'm in my mid thirties but look a lot younger, I think I'm pretty attractive and I'm a high achiever. What I mean by that is that I'm ambitious and have achieved a lot in my career compared to others of my age. I constantly find myself attracted to the wrong sorts of guys, and I don't mean assholes, but guys that are not well balanced or capable. The things that I want in theory from a guy are not the things that I'm attracted to. Does anyone else find this?

I am a friend

Nope but why do you think that is? Are you rebelling against something?

LegacyUser

will_i_ever_learn wrote: »

The things that I want in theory from a guy are not the things that I'm attracted to.

The things you do want from guys are not making you happy. Why are you punishing yourself?

A friend of mine has stated several times that she'll only fancy a guy if she's in 'lust' with him. Unfortunately, she's too shy to talk to anyone she's in 'lust' with. She's basically put the kibosh on herself. It looks to me that she's afraid of getting into a relationship, and uses the lust factor as an excuse to not get close to anyone. She's a fab looking girl, intelligent, able to talk about anything but she's pushing people away without realising it ie automatically dismissing them if they don't meet her lust factor. I think it's a shame, there are lovely guys out there and it's a pity to judge them so quickly. It's insulting also, a person is far more than what you see in the first or second meeting.

LegacyUser

I don't think I'm punishing myself. You can't force yourself to be attracted to a certain type of person. You either are attracted to them or you're not. Perhaps I am rebelling, I've never thought of it like that.

I've just realised that I have a pattern of being attracted to a guy, getting into a bf / gf Situation with them, perhaps fallen in love and then discovered a few months in that they are not ambitious, perhaps not working full time and in two cases have been getting supported financially by family members. It's not that they have been deceptive so much as just that people portray a certain side to themselves when they like someone and these guys have done this with me.

Being someone who has been completely and utterly financially independent since the age of 17, including putting myself through college I find this really unattractive, even if he was 25 but at 35 it's crazy and I keep meeting guy after guy with the same traits. I'm starting to feel like it's a bloke thing, that's they're somewhat incapable of looking after themselves but surely this can't be the case and I'm just meeting the wrong ones?

LegacyUser

I could have written your post myself.

I love the unpretentious type of guy. It really turns me off guys that are (and come across as) too confident, too cocky, too full of themselves. I always turn away from guys wearing suits, dressed in fancy / expensive clothes and I don't like to go to posh clubs etc. I think I could fit in easily if I tried, but I just don't admire any of that - it seems fake to me, and I find it annoying to be showing off you are in control.

And yet I get frustrated each time I go out / get in a relationship with a guy that has no ambition, doesn't want to save money or doesn't seem to care to find a way of doing better in his job or as a person.

I wonder if there is something else between the two extremes, but I havent found yet.

So I think I understand where you are coming from, and yet I dont have the answer...

Yet, I've asked myself before, and I might ask you: could it be that deep inside we don't believe we are are good enough to score an the alpha-male or the popular-wealthy type of guy? I haven't found a final answer yet...

dixiefly

questionsquestions wrote: »

Yet, I've asked myself before, and I might ask you: could it be that deep inside we don't believe we are are good enough to score an the alpha-male or the popular-wealthy type of guy? I haven't found a final answer yet...

What do you mean by a "popular-wealthy type of guy"? There are a lot of wealthy guys who are very popular that are miles from the hard-working type of guy that the OP is referring to.

The only thought I have regarding the OP's issue is to try and make sure that you dont come over as regarding ambition / money etc as being very important. You many have come across as being very focused on earnings etc and that may have made them reluctant to open up ref finances etc. try and determine if you are compatible with him etc. As time goes on you will determine his level of ambition.

You should also accept that, in these times, there are a lot of unemployed people out there.

Ickle Magoo

Can posts please be directed at the OP only please - anyone else requiring advice can post their own thread.

Many thanks.

LegacyUser

This type of thing is common these days unfortunately. I find that some of the lads that look the most confident and independent are really financially supported in some way. Its a product of the Celtic Tiger & over-protective parents (most mothers from my experience) that have insulated their children either in through over-education or by not allowing them outside enough in the muck and the rough & tumble that used to be normal course for young lads.

The thing is, lads are no less financially independent than women. It just isn't as talked about if a girl is financially dependent, whether through welfare or at home with parents. It goes against the stereotype of a man though, so when we are not, it is noticed more.

I have no proper advise. As a man with a lot of ambition and drive that gets no respect or attention from women I am disappointed to read something like this. I think women might want cocky pretty-boy-mama's boy-doormats until they realise yee don't. Why not give a lad a chance even if he isn't charismatic comedic Adonis with perfectly cropped hair and shiny new shoes?

LegacyUser

dixiefly wrote: »

What do you mean by a "popular-wealthy type of guy"? There are a lot of wealthy guys who are very popular that are miles from the hard-working type of guy that the OP is referring to.

The only thought I have regarding the OP's issue is to try and make sure that you dont come over as regarding ambition / money etc as being very important. You many have come across as being very focused on earnings etc and that may have made them reluctant to open up ref finances etc. try and determine if you are compatible with him etc. As time goes on you will determine his level of ambition.

You should also accept that, in these times, there are a lot of unemployed people out there.

It's not about money or earnings or wealth for me. It's about independence and capability. It's about wanting to do things, putting your mind to it and achieving it for yourself no matter what that might be. Yes, I know it's hard out there job wise and I wouldn't criticise anyone who isn't working who wants to be, the guys I am meeting don't seem to want to

tenchi-fan

will_i_ever_learn wrote: »

I'm in my mid thirties but look a lot younger, I think I'm pretty attractive and I'm a high achiever. What I mean by that is that I'm ambitious and have achieved a lot in my career compared to others of my age. I constantly find myself attracted to the wrong sorts of guys, and I don't mean assholes, but guys that are not well balanced or capable. The things that I want in theory from a guy are not the things that I'm attracted to. Does anyone else find this?

Opposites attract. Maybe you find these guys more fun, laid back and easy going - rather than intimidating or exhausting.

jimmycrackcorm

I'd hazard a guess op that the guys you are attracted to are still young mid-twenties types. If you are a high achiever then younger guys are more inclined to enjoy life a little more before settling into a more ambitious phase.

LegacyUser

I'm not meeting young guys, I'm meeting guys that are my own age or older, mid-thirties to forty.

questionsquestions you've hit the nail on the head, I think in a very simiilar way. I don't think it's a case of not feeling good enough about myself to score an alpha male.

For me it's not about the guy earning loads of money, it's just about him having some ambition, some goals and some drive to achieve the things that he wasnts, no matter what they might be but time and time again i find myself in relationships with guys that are dreamers but never actually get their **** together to do anything productive.

I am a friend

will_i_ever_learn wrote: »

I'm not meeting young guys, I'm meeting guys that are my own age or older, mid-thirties to forty.

questionsquestions you've hit the nail on the head, I think in a very simiilar way. I don't think it's a case of not feeling good enough about myself to score an alpha male.

For me it's not about the guy earning loads of money, it's just about him having some ambition, some goals and some drive to achieve the things that he wasnts, no matter what they might be but time and time again i find myself in relationships with guys that are dreamers but never actually get their **** together to do anything productive.

That should be easy enough to figure out relatively early though if you ask the right questions. Also why not hold back til you get to knoW them well to fall for them.

Emme

If you're a high achiever do you feel the need to be the dominant one in a relationship? Or do you push yourself so hard that you hang out with laid-back guys to chill out?

You say you meet a lot of guys who are mid-thirties to fortyish, guys that age are unlikely to change if they're laid-back and some of them might be looking for a woman to support them financially. Are you willing to do this? If so would they be willing to pull their weight in the relationship by looking after children or doing housework?

It's not about scoring a wealthy alpha-male, it's about finding somebody who respects you, has a similar work ethic to yourself and isn't out to take advantage of you. I'm not saying that these guys are screwing you financially, but I know several women who have been taken to the cleaners by lazy unambitious men - one in a marriage, another in a live-in situation and others who just lent money to guys and weren't able to get it back.

Distorted

I know what you mean OP, my friends who are single seem to keep meeting the type of guys who fall into this type too. (giving up perfectly good jobs for no good reason seems to be the current trend, not sure how many personal trainers working 5 hours a week the world needs). While its good that you are not attracted to the obviously wealthy types, can you not simply ask them on first meeting a simple question like "What is it you do?" or "Where is you work?" before you get attached to them? Or do they avoid such questions?

thecookingapple

Maybe you date the kind of people other people least expect you to date and now maybe you are getting sick of it and its not as interesting as it once was and you would like to find someone who can challenge you, compete with you (in healthy terms) and who can be on your level.

Nothing wrong with this, you just need to change maybe your aspect in the way you meet men.

All maybes.

Wishing you luck.

G-Money

Maybe I'm missing something, but why does it matter if they don't have certain drive or ambition? Surely if they are happy with how their life is going is that not enough?

It sounds almost like you want them to achieve certain things and live vicariously through them?

Personally I wouldn't care too much if a girl I was seeing wasn't filled with drive or ambition. As long as she's happy with where she's at, it wouldn't bother me.

But as I say, maybe I'm missing something but I don't get why it matters.

If that's what you are looking for though, as others have said, perhaps hold back and get to know them a bit better and make sure they have the drive or ambition you are looking for.

LegacyUser

I don't know why it matters so much to me, it just does. Initially upon meeting a guy he will try desperately to impress you, boasts about his job, tells you all the interesting things he's done etc. but time and time again I find that once I get to know him that he hasn't exactly been lying but he's been definitely bigging himself up and I find laziness / lack of drive extremely unattractive and it instantly turns me off the guy.

Why I don't notice these things at the beginning I don't know. Why it bothers me I don't really know either but I find myself getting so frustrated with guys that have an attitude of "Oh yeah, I've always wanted to go trekking in Africa for a few months" . Well just ****ing do it. Get your ass out of bed, go into work, save some cash, get your shots, get on a plane and start trekking. It's not that ****ing hard. I get frustrated because I feel these guys hold me back, can't make plans with them (well, can make plans but they won't ever come to anything) because they seem to want the dream of things more than to actually follow through and achieve it. I am a doer. If I decide I want to spend four months doing volunteer work in eastern Russia or want to learn sign language I just do it. Simple as. Find a way to make stuff happen in your life. Beginning to think all men are incapable and lazy but I'm sure they're not, I think it's just the ones I'm (initially) attracted to.

prinz

will_i_ever_learn wrote: »

I don't know why it matters so much to me, it just does. Initially upon meeting a guy he will try desperately to impress you, boasts about his job, tells you all the interesting things he's done etc..

There's your first clue really isn't it. Generally the people who are 'doers' and capable etc don't feel the need to go around desperately trying to impress people. Problem solved.

joseywhales

Busy people often don't have time to be interesting anymore because achieving something take a long time of consistent hard work, sometimes these people haven't the energy left to sharpen their charming skills.

Perhaps you are very competitive. The last thing someone wants to do is spend their free time competing with you. These other guys already have low confidence, why do you think they made up a life, they won't compete with you. Maybe you get bored with that.

Some people enjoy dreaming without any conviction, it's kind of therapeutic weighing up the possibilities.

It's hard to infer much information from a couple of posts though.

LegacyUser

OP, you just defined exactly what always bothered me too!

"I get frustrated because I feel these guys hold me back, can't make plans with them"

That is exactly how I feel! I don't really care about the money or the status, but I love the adventurous type, that has dreams and goals and actually goes after them. It could be something really simple, as learning a new language, painting more often, doing charity, you name it. Or it could be living in a different continent or making a million dollars.

The guys that actually seem to think about these things, which are the ones I always find interesting and fascinating, don't actually seem to put much effort in pursuing those things! They seem to be just happy with lightening up a joint and ranting about these "what if"

And the posh guys with loads of money may want to offer me all the security and stability in the world... but they come across as just... boring. I feel like they want to put me in a cage and feed me, but not allow me to fly. I dunno.

I don't want a house with a tv and fancy electrical appliances. I want someone who can carry an interesting conversation, teach me things, and grow up as a human being by my side. But I actually want to do things with this person, and I want to learn from them.

But it seems like both the super laid back and the posh guys can't offer me this...

G-Money

I hate to be blunt but it sounds like some of the people on this thread are expecting their partners to be some sort of life coach, motivational speaker and personnel development officer all rolled into one.

If you want to be challenged or grow or learn new things or whatever, then do that. I'm sure there's lot's of ways you can fulfill those ambitions yourself rather than expecting a partner to make you do it, and then complaining that they are holding you back when they don't.

mood

So, you want a guy with a good job and ambition but also to be able to take months off at a time to do whatever it is he has always dreamed of doing! Most job don't allow for that.

LegacyUser

G-money, apologies if I didn't get my point across, but at least my post is exactly the opposite of what you said.

I don't need anyone to coach my life or help me to develop as a person. These are things I have been doing my entire life. And exactly because I'm perfectly capable of doing such things myself, and I value doing them, I want a partner that is in the same wavelength as I am.

As the OP said, when one is a go-getter type of person, it is really frustrating to have a partner that has no motivation, no ambition (in the good sense) and is just happy to watch their lives pass by before them.

As the OP said, we enjoy actively pursuing the things we want to achieve. If we want to do volunteer work in Russia, we just do it and that is enough for us. We don't need a man at our side in order to achieve these things, and much less a life coacher or a motivational speaker.

However, being in a relationship is also about making plans together and experiencing things together. And here is where it becomes a problem: when a guy is lazy / has no drive, we end up not being able to share common interests, and either we break up with the guy or we have to give up on our own interests to sit at home with them – which is why it feels like this type of men holds us back.

When I say I want someone to teach me things, I'm not saying they should teach me how to learn the languages I want to learn or whatever. I'm saying I want a guy that is interesting as a person, that has a life of his own, that does things and experience things, and has something to add up to a conversation and to a relationship.

Personally, I find it very frustrating and a huge turn off if I all a guy can say about his day/week/year is "I went to work (that is, when they have a job!), came back home and watched TV".

And since they won't change, it is a deal-breaker.

The annoying thing is – and I think this is what the OP is saying – these things only show up much later in the relationship. In the beginning, everything is new, so it's hard to judge and foresee whether in six months the guy will run out of interesting things to say and show, or whether he lives an active/interesting life and will keep this personality.

Mood, I think where OP is coming from is not that she wants someone who is constantly backpacking. I think what she means is someone that has goals in their lives, that takes responsibility for their actions and existence. A guy that supports himself, pays for his bills, has preferences, opinions, dreams, etc. A guy that pursue his dreams, whether it is traveling to Russia, learning to use a new computer programming language, eating healthier, reading more often, you name it.

Someone who everynow and then evaluates their own life, rethinks their goals, think of steps to achieve them and follow them.

G-Money

If every single guy you meet ends up with the same personality traits the only logical conclusion that I can come to is that you're selection policy is too restrictive. It's hard to believe that out of all the men in the world, they all end up lazy with not enough motivation for you. That leads me to think you're perhaps being too restrictive in who you are willing to go out with.

Perhaps go for someone you normally wouldn't consider. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, in the same way, but expecting a different result.

I guess you might also need to take a step back and ask yourself if your expectations are reasonable too? Some people can have such a narrow range of traits, both physical and personality wise that they are willing to consider in a partner that they effectively prevent themselves from ever meeting someone special. Their expectations can be so restrictive that in essence, very few, if any people, could ever match them all.

Not saying you are like that OP, but I guess it's something to consider.

Distorted

mood wrote: »

So, you want a guy with a good job and ambition but also to be able to take months off at a time to do whatever it is he has always dreamed of doing! Most job don't allow for that.

Its perfectly possible to do your degree, take a year out and work abroad or travel, get a professional job, etc.. Particularly if you don't waste time sitting on your backside saying "I'd love to go travelling/do a 10k/do a triathlon etc. Its not that difficult. I've done all of this myself. Its just that theres an awful lot of dull people about.

I've currently got friends in Brazil, New Zealand and Switzerland doing just what the OP describes. Some of them are working in their professional careers (doctors), some travelling. All are graduates. None of them are rich or have mummy and daddy paying for it.

Perfectly possible to do all of which the OP describes.

joseywhales

Some people just aren't goals oriented, personally I and I guess some other men and women would not like to live like that, but thats choice and personality. What I would find interesting in a person is how they think not what they know or what their ambition is least of all where they've been. You are just not compatible with these people, it seems as simple as that.

I don't know why people convince you that they're somebody they're not but it is an integral part of courtship. People are greedy and want to be loved even if it's for a limited period. And then there seems to be loads of people who talk about ambitions a lot in general maybe because they feel they should have them or something but if you enjoy TV, then thats what you enjoy and you're lucky that you found it so easy to fulfill yourself. Maybe find a way to weed these people out if it's not what you want.

joseywhales

Distorted wrote: »

Its perfectly possible to do your degree, take a year out and work abroad or travel, get a professional job, etc.. Particularly if you don't waste time sitting on your backside saying "I'd love to go travelling/do a 10k/do a triathlon etc. Its not that difficult. I've done all of this myself. Its just that theres an awful lot of dull people about.

I've currently got friends in Brazil, New Zealand and Switzerland doing just what the OP describes. Some of them are working in their professional careers (doctors), some travelling. All are graduates. None of them are rich or have mummy and daddy paying for it.

Perfectly possible to do all of which the OP describes.

I've met very interesting people who rarely even travel to Dublin. That just sounds a bit condescending to me.