Partner's lack of sex drive

LegacyUser

Hi all. Have been seeing a wonderful woman now for almost a year, someone I'm really in love with. Everything is going fine on the surface, and we really seem to enjoy each other's company. Anyway I'm just concerned because she doesn't really seem to have that much of a sex drive. It's very rare that we have sex at night, as she's always too tired, even when we haven't seen each other in ages. The next morning we usually do, but it's just once, then it's over pretty much. She also just lies there the whole time, has gone on top about 3 times I think, and rarely am I lucky enough to get oral!
I've done whatever I can to get her off, and I have made her come regularly through oral sex she can't get it through intercourse. Even after about the 3rd time I made her come she said it was more than anyone else had. She's 35. Silly me thought women were supposed to be mad for it at that age.
It's kind of annoying as from what I can gather she's had a lot of men in her past, maybe more partners than I have had, and talks about one night stands etc she's had. This would make anyone think she's into having a lot of sex, no? Plus we didn't have sex for a long time after meeting, even though she told me she was really into me. It's frustrating because I spend a lot of time trying to get her off, and I always compliment her. I've never been with a girl like this that has not much of a drive.
I've tried discussing it with her but she doesn't seem to think anything is wrong, but says she's tired a lot and stressed these days. The problem is that I'm thinking she mustn't fancy me that way, and it's eating away at my self-esteem, and it makes me worry about our relationship. I love her so much and the thought of it not working out scares the hell out of me.
Should I just deal with it, and accept that we don't have much sex? It's just so weird, I wouldn't worry if we were married 10 years or something, but this is supposed to be the honeymoon period.

baby and crumble

OP, I'd imagine it's not you at all, but something else entirely. Someone having loads of ONS and lots of previous sexual partners might mean she's into sex, sure. It also might mean she has pretty low self esteem and a history of somewhat destructive sexual behaviour (I'm not saying all girls like this do, I'm simply saying it's a possibility).

I'd sit down with her, and instead of coming at it from a 'why don't you want to?" accusatory tone, maybe say "listen, the fact that you don't seem too into sex with me and making love makes me think sometimes that you don't want me that way" and tell her that it's hurting your self-esteem.

You need to be able to talk about stuff like this...

LegacyUser

zoegh wrote: »

OP, I'd imagine it's not you at all, but something else entirely. Someone having loads of ONS and lots of previous sexual partners might mean she's into sex, sure. It also might mean she has pretty low self esteem and a history of somewhat destructive sexual behaviour (I'm not saying all girls like this do, I'm simply saying it's a possibility).

I'd sit down with her, and instead of coming at it from a 'why don't you want to?" accusatory tone, maybe say "listen, the fact that you don't seem too into sex with me and making love makes me think sometimes that you don't want me that way" and tell her that it's hurting your self-esteem.

You need to be able to talk about stuff like this...

But I've had lots of ONS and sexual partners etc, I'd be really surprised if she's had more, but I'm not bothered by it. I don't think sleeping around has anything to do with insecurity. She's a very strong liberal independent woman. What is destructive about sleeping around? Yes it's hard to talk about, anytime I try it just seems to make it more of an issue, and I think it puts pressure on her. I think I might just have to accept that she's awful in bed!

LegacyUser

And are you sure you are that good??



I dont mean that in a bad way, but maybe the same way you are thinking she is "bad" in bed, she could be saying the same thing about you.

I don't think there is such a thing as being "bad" in bed, I think it's more about being compatible. And even more important than that, it's about communicating and LISTENING to each other's preferences and learning to give each other what they like - and having fun in the process.

Do you guys discuss openly what you both like, without bringing guilty and silly pride into the talk?

Why dont you try learning from her?

Perhaps because she has more experience, she knows better what she likes and what she wants, and won't be satisfied with less.

Perhaps your previous partners didn't know these things that well, or were more insecure and more submissive, and just went along with your ways.

Perhaps they faked? (guys hate that one, and always prefer to think their partners are frigid instead, just because someone in the past said they were great. I'm not implying this applies to you, but I think if you are going to jump to the extreme conclusion that she is no good and has no sex drive, you might just as well consider the other extreme)

Honestly, OP? Don't be too quick to judge. And you sound like you think you are doing her a favour, giving her sex even though she is 35 (??!!). Do you really think (or heard that) because a woman is 35 she is delighted to take whatever comes her way?? Well, hate to disappoint you, but things are not really like that.

So how about stop judging her and talking to her and learning from her? You might be surprised with how much this woman might be able to teach you, if you allow her to.

beks101

lackofit wrote: »

I don't think sleeping around has anything to do with insecurity. She's a very strong liberal independent woman. What is destructive about sleeping around?

There's often nothing destructive about sleeping around, but it can be an entirely different experience for a woman than for a man, as men generally just do it to get their rocks off. Yes, many women do too, but I think what Zoegh meant is that it's sometimes an act of over-compensation for deeper insecurities a woman has - a way to make her feel loved or at least desired, accepted etc. It's just something to keep in mind.

As I read it, there are a number of possibilities here.

1. Your girlfriend simply doesn't have a high sex drive. It's entirely plausible that it peaked when she was younger (and having all those ONS) and now it's low on her list of priorities.

2. The stress and tiredness is affecting her drive. Personally I think this is more likely. I've certainly had periods where work has over-stressed me and sex is the last thing on my mind. It's your job as her partner to support her, talk to her about it and see if there's anything you can do alleviate it so that you can come to some sort of compromise. Your needs are as important as hers, but if she feels added pressure from you to have sex, on top of the stress she already has, it's going to make the situation even worse.

3. Her insecurities are inhibiting her. The missionary-lights-out style you describe, lack of adventurousness, closed-mindedness...it strikes me she may be suffering a crisis in confidence and doesn't feel comfortable in her own skin. I know if I'm feeling low about my body I'm not in the mood for wild exhibitions of confidence between the sheets and I think for many women this can be a significant factor. Has she gained weight, or lost weight, or undergone any physical changes in the time you've known her? And knowing her as well as you do, do you think this could be a factor?

4. She's not that sexually attracted to you. I'm not sure how likely this is, I don't know the nature of your relationship or if this lack of sex is a recent thing, it's something only you can gauge but it's going to require an honest and frank conversation.

Personally I think 2 is probably the most likely cause, but nobody can tell you for sure except your girlfriend.

If you see a future with her, you're going to face many more challenges bigger than smaller than this one so you're really just going to have to learn how to have these uncomfortable conversations. Sex is one of the most important parts of any romantic relationship, it's what drives you together and think about how your frustration is going to grow if you don't face this - how are you going to feel this time next year, if nothing changes? Talk to your girlfriend. Best of luck

thecookingapple

There are many things we just deal with and say nothing, this is not one of them.

Somethings strike me about your relationship.

Honesty is great in a relationship, a real dealbreaker but goodness me she is telling you about ons? and having alot of them? in all my years of dating and being in relationships and even ons senarios i have never been asked or offered this question and i would never ask my partner how many she had and i doubt she would ask me how many i had, because in my opinion people only go on about these things because:

1. They regret getting older and regret not being as vibrant as they once where

2. They regret the fact they dont get the same attention from the opposite sex they once did

3. They regret having to become adult

4. They have not fully grown up

Your a year into your relationship, things should not be like this, you voiced concerns about your relationship and your partner thinks its no big deal? it is.

I suggest you put your own happiness first and dont worry about losing someone, better to lose someone than lose yourself in something.

wishing you luck.

LegacyUser

Hey there, sorry for your troubles, I feel your pain. I, too, am in a sexless relationship and to say the least, the frustration it can bring out in you is immense.

I kept trying and trying it on with my partner but he kept saying "i'm tired" "I'm reading" etc. We were once one of those couples who laughed at people who went to bed at separate times. Now we are that couple and it's against my will.

If your girl keeps telling you about 1 night stands, although I've had none myself, I would say she's trying to show her sexual prowess (as one other poster here said). But to me that sort of thing, even if I had encountered one, I would keep to myself because I don't know if I would be particularly proud of it to be honest! So what I say to you is.. Maybe try ask her a reason *why* she is telling you this stuff... Then work it from there.

Being a girl, I've always found that (back when I was getting it) when my partner took me for surprise, such as, I'd be doing something like hanging up the clothes from the washing machine and he'd come over for a cuddle and we'd take it from there. Although that really was back in the day a few months ago...

He works hard. I suppose we can put it down to that. I've tried everything. And decided that lace underwear is actually quite comfortable so I'm going to wear it more often these days because you never know...

I'll keep an eye on this thread OP.


Best wishes

LegacyUser

meyers wrote: »

And are you sure you are that good??



I dont mean that in a bad way, but maybe the same way you are thinking she is "bad" in bed, she could be saying the same thing about you.

I don't think there is such a thing as being "bad" in bed, I think it's more about being compatible. And even more important than that, it's about communicating and LISTENING to each other's preferences and learning to give each other what they like - and having fun in the process.

Do you guys discuss openly what you both like, without bringing guilty and silly pride into the talk?

Why dont you try learning from her?

Perhaps because she has more experience, she knows better what she likes and what she wants, and won't be satisfied with less.

Perhaps your previous partners didn't know these things that well, or were more insecure and more submissive, and just went along with your ways.

Perhaps they faked? (guys hate that one, and always prefer to think their partners are frigid instead, just because someone in the past said they were great. I'm not implying this applies to you, but I think if you are going to jump to the extreme conclusion that she is no good and has no sex drive, you might just as well consider the other extreme)

So how about stop judging her and talking to her and learning from her? You might be surprised with how much this woman might be able to teach you, if you allow her to.

Hey look, as far as I'm concerned, sex is not rocket science, there's not that much to it, but lying there and showing no interest is not the way to go about it.
No I don't think I'm that good, but I try my best, the same can't be said for her. I don't know if it's laziness or if she's just not attracted to me, that's the problem.
She has actually said that she hasn't much of a sex drive, but the thing that irks me is that she has had tonnes of partners and sex, that's kind of unusual if you don't have a sex drive.
Yes I suppose there's a certain aspect to ONS such as validation, and the need to be wanted etc, which is pretty much why I've had ONS in the past.

Honestly, OP? Don't be too quick to judge. And you sound like you think you are doing her a favour, giving her sex even though she is 35 (??!!). Do you really think (or heard that) because a woman is 35 she is delighted to take whatever comes her way?? Well, hate to disappoint you, but things are not really like that.

What I meant by saying she is 35, is that I have been led to believe that girls of that age are in their sexual peak, therefore it's unusual that she has no sex drive. Believe me I take her for granted not in the slightest, she's the best thing that ever happened to me, and I feel like the luckiest man in the world.

LegacyUser

OP, Ive experienced this before and know other people (m&f) that have also...

you gotta ask yourself if you are not getting it, then why are you wasting your time?
if the relationship isnt great why are hanging around getting frustrated?.
its about MUTUAL happiness & respect...if i was tired & stressed & my gf was horny id still get her off one way or the other as id want to make her happy..

personally id get the hell out of there, funny how anytime i did say 'im outta here' in a similar situation...a new found sex drive springs out of nowhere....

Catari Jaguar

zoegh wrote: »

maybe say "listen, the fact that you don't seem too into sex with me and making love makes me think sometimes that you don't want me that way" and tell her that it's hurting your self-esteem.

Don't do this. It probably has NOTHING to do with you and this will make her feel guilty and worse. Look, she can't control her body or her hormones. Sometimes sex just isn't on your list of priorities. The amount of even young twenty somethings with zero sex drives is massively on the rise and there could be tons of reasons; stress, esteem, exhaustion, boredom, familiarty, contraception....

LegacyUser

quote: "funny how anytime i did say 'im outta here' in a similar situation...a new found sex drive springs out of nowhere...."

Thricefold, an attitude like yours is what makes women fake it and/or look for it somewhere else. And I tell you, there is nothing worse than having to fake to someone you love. You have no idea the hatred that builds inside of us, and how that destroys a relationship and any sense of trust. But sure, it all that matters to you is "getting it", than that's the way to go alright.

Lackoffit, I see where you are coming from, and I can understand both your side and hers. For you guys, sex is sex, and as you said, it's not rocket science. But you have no idea how women can complicate things!! For us, it IS rocket science.

As cherub rock said, it could be a thousand of things and all his/her examples can torment a woman and turn her sex drive down/off. But it could also be about how things are conducted.

I'm sure you try your best, but see, women have a really bad habit (and I can say that, being a woman) of believing guys have a crystal ball at home and should guess and know all about our exotic weird never-heard-of fantasy we so love in bed.

And since it's obvious people still can't guess these things, the guy won't do it and she will resent it. It doesn't make sense really, so don't try to understand it rationally!

Have you ever had a chat with your gf about what she likes in bed and things like that? Why don't you give it a try one day you guys are at a bar (not a crowded one! ) or at some other neutral territory? Maybe after a couple of drinks, you could mention a bit playfully that you heard of a tantra book for couples, a sex toy, or a certain position blablabla and see if she gives you any hints. Start with something cute/innocent – maybe whipped cream, chocolate, candles, etc, maybe move to dirty talking etc. You get the idea. See if she opens up and says something. Try to establish trust and to feel comfortable of talking of these things off bed.

It might be something simple and straight forwards that is keeping her "blocked". But being a woman, and therefore complicated, she will never tell you and will be holding it back till she dies. But if you start with a friendly naughty conversation and tell a bit about things you like, and ask her about stuff she likes, she might open up and everybody will be happy afterwards.

Why not give it a try? Best of luck!

LegacyUser

It's not rocket science, but a bit of advice we so wish every man knew!!!

http://www.askmen.com/dating/vanessa_100/125_love_secrets.html