Completely f'ed it all up

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I've tried to keep this short but you know what happens!

I broke up with my ex six months ago now, after four years. Reasons were I didn't see it ultimately going anywhere, and we both wanted different things from life. It was amicable, and we kept in touch probably weekly for the first two months or so. Then, it dwindled and I know from various friends it was wrong of me to think we could have sustained that contact.

I tried to, and instigated conversation via text or FB every now and then and we would catch up but he never started conversation. Now this week, I had suggested we meet up for a catchup (and if I'm honest, try to get some closure around the relationship which I never felt we got - I suggested breaking up, he didn't say much, left and everything was happy as larry right afterwards, saw each other two months later and still never spoke about it) to which he answered oh I'll see etc. Now tonight I spotted him on FB (he's rarely on there, well I *know* he's online but he appears offline to me) so jumped at the chance as I know tomorrow is the only day we could both meet before heading away again after the Easter break. He kinda fobbed off the idea again and said he'd text me tomorrow (even tho after just saying his phone's on the blink) and I just said outright if you don't want to meet, I'd rather know and he answered he felt it would be awkward etc (which actually was so refreshing cos any time I kinda mentioned oh it's been a while since we spoke he'd be like oh I'm so busy etc etc).

Then I tried to suggest a phone call to chat it out but he fobbed that off too. He's not one for talking about feelings and he mentioned this and said he was having trouble getting his head around things. I said I was the same and that it's hit me recently when I realised we never had a closure as such. I said maybe a chat might benefit both of us, seeing as we never really had a massive discussion about things.

He said he didn't want to get "dragged into" things tonight and basically just upped and left, just saying "I'll talk to you. Bye" even after I very nearly begged him not to.

I burst into tears immediately. Can't help but feel that's the last we're ever going to talk. I know for a fact I don't ever want to make the effort to talk with him again (even though there is SO much I want to say, what I wanted to say tonight that I never got the chance to), and I'm not hopeful he will make the effort ever but it kills me to think we won't ever speak again, as this was our original promise to each other. I know I sound completely naive about staying friends, it was my first serious relationship and breakup, but now I know.

I don't know what I'm asking, I'm venting I guess. How do I get on track? I thought knowing that he wouldn't want to keep in touch would make things easier (I had a feeling about it for a while but he always lied saying he was busy) but now it's just made me realise I've lost him completely completely. We had a brill relationship, hardly ever fought, it was the fact I wanted to travel and he wanted to settle at home and a feeling in the back of my mind I wouldn't marry him that made me end it. I was so stupid to lose him and now I've lost him completely; lost a friend.

What do I do?

LegacyUser

He was never a friend. He was your boyfriend. There's a distinct difference.
At no point have you mentioned him in all this- it's about you getting closure.
This is about you making a decision, and sticking to it. If you want to travel, travel. Meet new people. Your ex can't be expected to maintain contact with you like a comfort blanket for when the going gets tough. You wouldn't have quit a 4year relationship without serious thought& consideration- trust your gut instinct, ignore the doubts and insecurities, and run with it.

SheRa

Stop being so selfish.

You want to chat to the man that you broke up with and he doesn't want to talk to you. Maybe he's heartbroken and its too painful for him to talk to you. You don't have an automatic entitlement to talk to him.

You speak about wanting closure and wanting to be friends with him. What about what he wants? Maybe for you to leave him alone.

I broke up with someone a few years ago and I know he was devestated. He was my best friend but out of respect for him and the fact I broke his heart, i didn't try to remain friends.

God...

Stop being so selfish and leave him alone.

You just dumped him and there you go looking for closure. He owes you nothing, nothing at all!

Moomoo1

maybe if you want to say things to him you should write a letter?

I think it's difficult to say anything here without knowing the details. He could be still hurting. Or maybe he already got over it and doesn't care.

bubblebrain

Writing him a letter sounds like a good idea but what do you really want? Do you want him back? Then write the letter, say it straight and let it go if he doesn't want the same thing.

If you want to be his friend? Leave him alone - looking for closure from him is selfish - it's like you want him to console you about the break-up and that's not possible. Break-ups are so tough and you're communications with him may be really confusing/hurting him. If he doesn't want to communicate with you, then you need to respect that. Then maybe write him a letter just to release what you're feeling but then burn it - and try and let it go.

(*I know let it go is not the best advice or easiest thing to do )

LegacyUser

You sound quite thick skinned and selfish. You are not taking the hint. He never instigates contact/conversations. Is often busy, is hiding from you online. He fobs you off. He doesn't want to see you and re-hash it all, so just be gracious and leave it now. You can't force someone to do what YOU want if they don't want to. Leave him alone.

When you break up with someone that's what it means. Losing them. You are putting them out of your life. You admit you didn't want to marry him and you broke it off and now the penny is dropping he is not going to be your friend (despite your pushiness and refusal to leave him in peace) and all you seem to be worried about is yourself and your own loss.

It's been worse for him if he was the dumpee and he is in no way obliged to be your friend, even if that's what was said. People will often use that line but it's just an old cliche. Leave the fella alone.

I am a friend

Ok, am i getting this right?

YOU broke up with HIM 6 months ago and now you are peeved cos he doenst want to meet you so YOU can get closure.

Is this a joke? Leave him in peace FFS. He has moved on and he doesnt want to 'have a chat' - why would he??? You do sound very selfish and unaware... Leave him alone to move on. You made your bed now lie in it.

Rufus the brave

Just give it time sister. Time will sort your head out. Yeah you dumped him whatever.... I've dumped birds before and then tried to get them back because of various misguided notions or moments of weakness, but after a while you'll be alright.

Ickle Magoo

Rufus the brave, kindly refrain from calling other posters "sister" or women "birds".

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

CDfm

OP your rights to have heart to hearts ended 6 months ago when you decided to end the relationship.

This has absolutely nothing to do with him and it is all about you.

Where is the benefit to him in discusing things with you ?

mariebeth

To be honest OP, I agree with all the other posters in that you don't really have the right to be looking to make contact with your ex like this. You broke up with him, so if he doesn't want to speak to you, then you don't really have any say in the matter to be honest.

I broke up with a guy 6 months ago as well, and while he made contact with me a couple of times because he wanted to meet up for a chat about it, I didn't (and still don't) feel comfortable or as though I should be making contact with him, because I didn't want to give him the wrong idea. I made the decision to break up with him, and it was a tough one, but I knew it was the right thing to do, so I didn't want to be confusing him or leading him on by making contact with him as though I was still interested.

I'm not saying that you're still interested, but the fact that you want to get closure on it, when you made the decision, it sounds to me as though you are still interested, and that maybe you're afraid you made the wrong decision?

If you want closure on it, maybe you could think about or write down all the reasons you decided to break up with him, it might remind you why things didn't work out. Or you could write a letter to him, saying all the stuff that you want to say. But DON'T send him the letter!!!!!!!!!! Just write it all down, and keep it. Look back on it now and again when you're thinking about it and it might help you to get closure.

Firetrap

Why do you want closure on this? Normally when people want closure on a matter, it's because something like that happened to them. Something out of their control.

Look, leave this poor chap alone and stop pestering him. Everything he is doing and saying screams "I do not want to talk to you". Because he has been polite about it so far, you are failing to take the hint and leave it be. Keep up what you're at and you could get closure alright - how do you fancy being blocked or even de-friended on Facebook or being told bluntly to feck off?