Anyone ever have knots in their tummy when they have to meet their in-laws.

LegacyUser

I have knots in my tummy all week at the thoughts of a big family gathering that I have to attend this weekend. I'm a complete and utter wreck.

The background

I married into a fairly weathly family (but my husband is often referred to by extended family and neighbours as being the warm down to earth one in the family). Anyway, my husband has four sisters and the entire family have done very well for themselves in their careers etc. However, when they get together they compete with each other. (Jobs, cars, houses, holiday etc)

For example: if one of them gets a new job or a new house they are slow to congratulate each other, they take a perverse satisfaction out of trying to out do each other. My family upbringing was more modest but I love my family (most of the time) and we celebrate in each others successes and we support each other through the difficult times.

Two years ago our first born child was diagnosed with special needs and my husband's family cut off all contact with us. They kept saying that they never had disability in their family and where did it come from? One sister even suggested that our child didn't look very like my husband! (There is no history of disability on either side, not that that is important). Over time they started inviting my husband back in to their lives but my son and I were excluded. (I felt like a piece of contaminated waste).

Anway to cut a very long story short, in the last three months my son and I have been invited back into the family so to speak. I'm still very hurt about everything that has happened but I want to make an effort for the sake of my husband and son. If it was just me I'd run a million miles away from these people.

I have during a conversation told the family that we were very hurt when they froze us out but I wanted to move on positively. However, I'm finding it extremely difficult as they make me and my child feel so inferior. I no longer spend money on expensive clothers or fancy holidays as I no longer have the money. I left my career to care for my son but I do work 16 hrs per week in a job so I can contribute to my son's therapy bills which run to €1500 a month.

I feel that sometimes my sister in laws go out of their way to embarrass me and to make complete sh1t of me

For example they will say things like

"Oh that is a nice blouse, isn't Penney's doing nice stuff these days"


"We are going to the South of France and I suppose you will be staying at home again this year"

"We have set up a college for little Johnny and Mary, have you set up one yet for "Robert"? They say these things knowing that my son is unlikely to go to college.


I have explained to my husband how I feel and he says that I might be a bit over sensitve. However, he agrees that his family behaved very badly following our son's diagnosis. However, these girls never pour the poison in front of him.

What would you do? I feel completely bullied but it is not openly obvious bullying, it is just a constant stream of critisims and put downs.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this

metrovelvet

I'm horrified by these people. I wouldnt want their company.

LegacyUser

IMHO OP, your husband acted appallingly when he allowed his family to freeze you and HIS SON out of their lives! So when he went off to family functions, he left you two behind? Jaysus.

That is actually appalling behaviour from him, never mind his family, who sound like such horrific people that there is nothing you could say to make me spend time with them. If anyone treated a child of mine with anything other than respect, no matter what their 'disability', I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. Life is too short to waste valuable time on people like that and I would rather surround myself and my family with people who love and care about us.

Your husband should have put his foot down and told his family that they were out of order. Does he have no pride in you, or your child? Doesn't he want to stick up for you and defend you? Or is he a complete pussy? Sorry to be so blunt, but I just can't get over it.

Don't forget that you have a choice here, and to be completely honest, if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't be making the same one as you. You're letting these people walk all over you for the sake of keeping your husband happy - what about your happiness?

Sleepy

I'd be inclined to bite back tbh.

e.g. in response to the last one "no, it's unlikely "Robert" will go to college but at least he'll learn some decorum from his parents".

LegacyUser

Next time they mention brand name, tell them you got it in ALDI.

Show them you have values, they have no class.

LegacyUser

jghjhjkhkh wrote: »

IMHO OP, your husband acted appallingly when he allowed his family to freeze you and HIS SON out of their lives! So when he went off to family functions, he left you two behind? Jaysus.

That is actually appalling behaviour from him, never mind his family, who sound like such horrific people that there is nothing you could say to make me spend time with them. If anyone treated a child of mine with anything other than respect, no matter what their 'disability', I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. Life is too short to waste valuable time on people like that and I would rather surround myself and my family with people who love and care about us.

Your husband should have put his foot down and told his family that they were out of order. Does he have no pride in you, or your child? Doesn't he want to stick up for you and defend you? Or is he a complete pussy? Sorry to be so blunt, but I just can't get over it.

Don't forget that you have a choice here, and to be completely honest, if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't be making the same one as you. You're letting these people walk all over you for the sake of keeping your husband happy - what about your happiness?

I want to thank you and everyone else who has taken the time to read my post and offer advice. I run the risk of sounding like some pathetic woman who is trying to defend her man but I just need to explain a few things.

I knew from the minute my baby was born that he had problems, I didn't have a label or a name of the condition but I knew as mothers often do that something was seriously wrong. I raised my concerns time and time again with the medical profession but they ignored me. My husband didn't share my concerns for the first six months or so but he always supported me 100% of the time when we went to hospital appointments even though he had doctors telling him repeatedly that there was nothing wrong with our son and that I was the one in need of psychiatric help. He supported me through thick and thin because he trusted me and my instincts. After about a year when my son failed every developmental check going the road, the medical profession started to listen to me and our son was diagnosed with severe special needs. When I finally got a diagnosis for my son I was devastated of course but half of me was relieved to have a diagnosis and I quickly set about getting clinicians and therapists on board who could help my son.

The diagnosis came as a massive blow to my husband (I was far better prepared for the news) and when he told his parents of our son's disability they immediately disherited him. (He was meant to inherit one of the family businesses). Anyway, they didn't talk to him for a year and during this time I watched my husband slip in to a serious depression. During this time I had my family and they were very supportive but I was conscious that my husband had no family to turn to and it was slowly killing him. He was sent for counselling and the therapist recommended that he make his peace with his family. One of the big worries my husband had was that one of his parents would pass away before they managed to clear the air. I gave my 100% support to him resuming contact with his family and while my son and I were excluded by them initially I got my husband back and he was no longer eaten up by bitterness and anger.

I feel that what they did was appaling but I am guided by my own sense of what is right and wrong and I couldn't prevent my husband from seeing his family. Wouldn't that make me worse than them? I feel that if I was to dwell on all the negatives I could become very bitter and that wouldn't do me of my family any good.

I want to end on a positive note, my son has responded very positively to therapy and he was reassessd recently and was found to have a very high IQ and he is now regarded as having a moderate - mild disability. However, in my house I only look at abilities and I look for opportunities to build on them.

Thanks so much! I'm not as nervous now about tomorrow!

LegacyUser

Cut them out of YOUR life. They obviously do not respect you, have no feelings for you or your kid, and are highly superficial. These gatherings feed on themselves. Just refuse to go - what is the point to maintaining the pretense?

You will only fit in if you can be like them since they will only "respect" you if you have money and material. And I use the term "respect" very loosely here.

Neyite

I can understand that if your husbands counsellor suggested he make his peace with the family for his benefit then thats his choice to do so. However, you can still be supportive of him in his efforts to see the famaily, but you dont have to go yourself, and you most certainly dont have to sit there and take crap from them.

They sound like deeply unpleasant and unhappy people. You sound lovely - kind and supportive and far more forgiving than I ever could be. The best revenge is your own happiness.

LegacyUser

OP. like previous posters have said, these are nothing but gutter-dwellers. You are much better off with them out of your life rather than in.

But I understand why your husband needs his family (such as they are) and why you're prepared to engage with them so that he has contact.

Your stomach is in knots because you let them get to you - and why wouldn't their hurtful comments about you and your son not eat you up inside.

My advice is to grow a thick skin - more easily said than done - and what I mean by that is not that you just take the punishment, but that you stand up for yourself and more importantly your son. If you know to expect these rude comments, then have some responses of your own. These people only say things to you because they know it will have an effect on you. It's nothing more than bullying.

If I were in that situation, I would reply in a deadpan voice "Wow. Interesting. All that money and that's the best you can come up with. You need to work a bit harder, love" But then again, I'm a sarcastic b*tch.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

This is purely my own opinion but as a person with a disability, I find your in-laws behaviour disgusting and bigoted but a similar thing happened to me with an uncle of mine and their family though not as severe. They decided that I was not fit to invite to my cousins wedding and it was my aunt in laws doing. My father gave them a chance to apologise and when they didn't my father cut of all contact and declared my uncle dead to him which I completely respect him for and I am so thankful because if he didn't it would have been a betrayal.

Your in laws are not people your son should have anything to do with, he is going to spend the rest of his life dealing with the ignorance of other people, he should not have to put up with from people who are supposedly his family. Also your husband has a choice his own son or his hateful parents and siblings and if he goes back to his family cap in hand, I don't think he could ever look his son in the eye again.

My parents have stuck with me through thick and thin and have often been the only thing keeping me going. Your son and husband deserve the same unswerving support.

dan_d

Oh Jesus.

OP put aside the labels and whatever else for the moment.

The believed your son "inherited" his condition?

You sound like you're dealing with a bunch of completely ignorant people here. And I mean "ignorant" in the sense of "have no knowledge whatsoever" meaning of the word. They were actually stupid enough to think that your child has something that he picked up from his parents - the same way as his eye or hair colour? Don't they know ANYTHING about pregnancy, birth, families, children, anything?? And cutting you off? That is just.....why would you want these people in your life?

Don't feel bad about your nerves. To be honest, you're being a far more generous woman than I would be - I don't think I'd ever be able to look them in the face again if I was in your situation. Let them say what they like, they sound like the kind of people who have business sense, but zero common sense. Some people are just so obsessed with their image and their wealth (I should point out that those who take huge pride in their wealth are often not as well-off as they may appear...) that they just don't know any other way to behave and have no clue what normal people are like. If I was you, I'd make the token effort at things like this, and otherwise just let them live their lives with as a little contact as possible. They're not worth your worry.

elbee

OP, I think you probably did the right thing encouraging your husband to at least remain on speaking terms with his family, but I see no reason why you should spend any time with people who treated your child that way.

I'd let him go to any functions but politely decline for yourself and your son.

Glad to hear your son is doing well - I'm sure you and your husband will raise a lovely child.

greenprincess

I actually dont know what to say. I am so shocked that people could behave like that. Like I truely am really shocked.

To cut their son, daugher in law and grandson out of their lives because of a medical condition is just terrible.

I understand that you want to support your husband and that he want to be involved with his family. But I am honestly really in shock at your post!!

LegacyUser

Guys, I really want to thank you all most sincerely for posting. You will never know how much you have helped me.

dan d, yours was the last post I read this morning before we got in the car to travel to my in laws and you really have the measure of them. Your post gave me so such confidence and I approached day 1 of a three day visit with this new found confidence. I was shocked because they seemed to pick up on my "don't mess with me vibe" and they were the ones that seemed to be a bit nervous and cautious.

I must say the day went very well all things considered, they did seem to be very surprised at how "regular" my son was and were amazed how well he interacted with his cousins etc.

I have returned to our hotel now and I so happy and proud of our son! My husband and I are so blessed to have him. Today he stood out from the other grandchildren (IMO) not because of his disability but because he was really happy and enthusiastic about everything while some of the other kids were sulking and going in to huge tantrums. He also had really lovely manners, he said please and thank you to everyone and he was so kind to the other children even when they were behaving like spoilt brats.

I feel very wealthy tonight, we have loads of love here amongst the three of us and not a lot of money. The others seem to have loads of money but I'm not sure how much love there is.