Really update

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Going unreg for this..

Basically i'm in a bit of a mess....a big mess.

A good friend of mine is going out with this guy who previously had quite a chequered past. I know him most of my life, he is also a relative of another good friend of mine.

A few months ago an incident happened with this guy that made me really worry about my friend. She told me about this incident and also told me other things he had done previously.

So on meeting up with another friend a couple of weeks later I voiced my concerns about what she had told me. It was a conversation that lasted only a few minutes so I dont even remember exactly what was said but it wasnt a bit*hy conversation or anything like that - I'm not one to b*tch. It was basically a conversation between 2 friends that was supposed to be confidential.

So now months later my good friend has confronted me with everything I said to the other girl who by the way is also supposed to be a good friend. She has bascially attacked me for opening my mouth and telling her things that I shouldnt have. Now I didnt tell her everything she told me, I told her the basics and it was only out of concern. Am I right in saying friends do this all the time? As in discuss each other (not in a bit*hy way) but discuss each other and arent of the mindset to go back to that person and replay word for word what was said? Well this is what my so called friend did. And now she has basically ruined my friendship with one of my oldest and closest friend.

I know I have some responsibility in this but I didnt expect her to go back and tell her everything. She obviously knew it was going to cause trouble. I just dont get what she gained from it? I was in an abusive relationship a few years ago that i'm sure as sh*t stinks they all discussed with each other so why of a sudden is it being turned back around on me?

I confronted the blabber mouth and she basically denied it all at first. It took a days worth of emails to get it out of her to which she then apologised and said that she understood if she never spoke to me again - now she's changed her tune and it saying that its my fault and that she had every right to say it back. Now she has told me things that I have never spoken to about anyone, down to having an affair on her husband - so does that make it ok for me then to go back and say it to him? No it damn well doesnt.

The abuse I got the past few days is really taking its toll, I had to take a xanax to sleep last night (a little OTT I know but i was really stressed). I just think something so small out of concern at the time for a friend has been blown totally out of proportion. My friend is now of the opinion that i've ruined her introducing him to people because of the impression I have given about him - not true. I spoke to him once with one person in confidence. And its not my fault he has a chequered past. He has turned it around a little and I told her before that I am happy for him that he's been able to do that but now i'm being made pay for something that I said months ago when my opinion on him is totally different to the opinion I have on him now.

These 'friends' have always made it their business to wind me up or give out to me over minor things when all they do it b*tch about each other to me behind their backs. I dont open my mouth because I am an ADULT but it seems when there is an issue with me they love to play it out into a big drama but when its with them nothing is ever said.

I know i'm ranting and it sounds childish but I really dont know what to do. Do I cut them off and move on? I'll find that really hard as I know them all over 20 years and they're supposed to be my oldest friends but i'm looking back on the past couple of years and I really cant see them as being good friends at all.

Sorry for the long post.

caseyann

Hey OP,
I agree she should have never repeated it to anyone.You probably shouldn't have repeated it to her either.But that was just a mistake with you out of concern.And should try to explain it to your other friend and apologize.
The other girl obviously repeated it for friendship gain over you and in that she is not a friend to either of you.
From what you are saying though,none of them sound like real friends,i am sorry to say.:( If they do things like that against you.And i would say well rid of them.
I had friends like this and it never was a nice day with them around.
I would cut them off,i cut loads of people off.Like you i realized they weren't really friends at all.I think it comes sometimes with growing up.I also have family members who did the same cut friends off,for similar reasons.
You show respect and they dont return it.
I think you answered the question yourself with your last piece(they're supposed to be my oldest friends but i'm looking back on the past couple of years and I really cant see them as being good friends at all.)
Its very hard to do especially when you do your everyday things with them,but eventually you will not be bothered.
One piece of advice if you dont mind me saying.Next time you are concerned about something a friend tells you.Tell your mother or sister just to let it out,that way you know you wont get stabbed in the back.
Feel better OP,you arent at fault.

LegacyUser

Thanks a mill for the response.

I agree with you.

I'm not trying to take away that I probably shouldnt have said what I did but it was a private conversation with a 'friend' that was never meant to be repeated.

The person who I spoke about has abused me now through texts and emails for the past 2 days for 'tainting' her boyfriend's reputation and that now she cant introduce him to anyone because they have ideas about him because of me - I think thats a bit much, what I said was said to one person and were only things that were true and that happened. She is saying that people now dont deserve to be in his company. I think she is totally overeacting. But she wont let it drop. I'm at a loss as to what i'm supposed to do next.

The person who blabbed is basically washing her hands off it and saying she did nothing wrong that I was the one who was in the wrong. There's blame on both parties but they are all 'ganging' up on me now so its like 3 people against 1 and I just dont have the energy to argue with them. I've apologised for being a friend and speaking of my concerns months ago and I really dont know what else to do.

snugglebear

they don't sound like real friends to me, maybe you would be better off without them, given the stress its causing you.
sometimes its better to remove yourself from the situation until things cool off

irishdude11

friendless wrote: »

Thanks a mill for the response.

I agree with you.

I'm not trying to take away that I probably shouldnt have said what I did but it was a private conversation with a 'friend' that was never meant to be repeated.

Just like the conversation you had with your first friend told was also meant to be confidential. You sound like a bit of a hypocrite to me. You blabbed about your friend's problems that she told you in confidence and word ended up getting back to her. The person you told the stuff to was probably of the opinion that it was fine to tell other people seeing as how you thought it was fine to tell her.

90% of the blame lies with yourself. You friend is obviously furious because you were off blabbing about confidentional personal issues she had shared with you. There is way less onus on a third party to keep the information confidential, that is why you shouldn't have passed it on in the first place.

All you can do is apologise to the first girl and hope she comes round. And I think you are in the wrong regarding the second girl as well so you should probably apologise to her too for giving her grief - she probably didnt realise the info was supposed to be kept confidential seeing as you were broadcasting it yourself.

LegacyUser

This is where your wrong. It was confidential information and it was made clear to her that it was confidential. Have you never spoken to a friend about something and made it clear it was a private conversation?

I havent tried to shy away from the fact that I shouldnt have said it but conversations like this happen all the time amongst friends - my only problem was that I spoke to someone who I thought was a friend and clearly isnt.

I didnt give any confidential information away to this girl I just voiced my opinion based on what I had been told. There was no stories as such exchanged.

So whilst I appreciate your opinion I resent the fact that your calling me a hypocrite.

irishdude11

friendless wrote: »

This is where your wrong. It was confidential information and it was made clear to her that it was confidential. Have you never spoken to a friend about something and made it clear it was a private conversation?

So it was confidential info when you told her it?

But it wasnt confidential when the first girl told it to you? You thought there was nothing wrong with you broadcasting the info to other people but these other people are at fault if they then pass it on?

I havent tried to shy away from the fact that I shouldnt have said it but conversations like this happen all the time amongst friends - my only problem was that I spoke to someone who I thought was a friend and clearly isnt.

Sure the second girl could use that excuse as well...'I shouldnt have said it but conversations like this happen all the time amongst friends'. She should have kept it to herself too. This is why you should not go blabbing about stuff that a friend tells you in confidence. If your not getting on with these people great these days anyway you are probably better off going your separate ways at this stage.

I don't think you should pass on private info at all, but

The person who I spoke about has abused me now through texts and emails for the past 2 days for 'tainting' her boyfriend's reputation and that now she cant introduce him to anyone because they have ideas about him because of me

is just sad, tell her to get a life

solovely

Oh come on people, all this self righteousness does my head in. Give me one person who has never discussed another friend out of concern for them, and I will give you someone who has no close friends. It's what we do, well what females do, I should state, cos guys aren't the same.

Would your friend prefer to be so insignificant that nobody ever cared about her or discussed her when she wasn't around? I doubt it!! This type of argument seems to be the biggest cause of falling out among girls and women, and it stays the same throughout the whole of adulthood (I see my Mam and her sisters and friends still at it), and yeah, it is a horrible, paranoid feeling when you discover people have been talking about you behind your back...but seriously we all do it. As you said yourself, OP, you can be damned sure your friends have done it about you. Your primary reason for doing so was out of concern (with maybe a teeny bit of gossip thrown in, but again, you are female, it's what we do). Your friend would want to get the hell over it and move on, or she will be the one left friendless. And as for the other "friend", she is just passing the blame onto you to stop herself looking bad.

I have been in this situation myself from all angles, and I have lost some really good friends over it (cos like your friend OP, they couldnt get over it), and I tell you, if they can't get over and move on in the next short space of time, go out there and make a really big effort to find a new group of less self absorbed friends.

If you were to have a frank conversation with your friend, ask her would she prefer that she was so insignificant in your life that you never mentioned her outside of her earshot and didn't give a damn what went on with her and her boyfriend? Ask her to give you an honest answer. You did this cos she is/ was a significant person in your life. She has now proved to you that she shouldn't be, so let her be that insignificant person she wants to be!!

As for the other girl, definitely better off rid!

Contessa Raven

IMO, friend B had as much right to say it back as you did to say it to her initially i.e. none. But you broke your friend A's confidentiality and so you can't be surprised it got back to her.

What's done is done now. You can't undo it but you can apologise to friend A and reassure her that you didn't blab out of malice. After that, the ball is in her court.

If she still won't patch things up well then that's her choice. If she continues to abuse you, go to the guards or change your number.

CR

thecookingapple

I think what you did was not that bad, you voiced concerns to a mutual friend on the understanding that it was a private conversation and you only divulged a little information as an expression of worry for a friend, i can understand your friend being angry and hurt but also i understand your anger and frustrations and from what you said if the tables where reversed then your two friends would probaly think your making a big deal out of nothing, people confide things they shouldnt to people all the time, it explains the multi million dollar industry that is gossip.

you where not right in what you did but i dont think you deserve this treatment, i would apologise to your friend and tell her it was said with the best intentions for her wellbeing and if she comes around-great and if not well what can you do.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Just a quick update....

So I havent heard anything from these 'friends' since this all blew up.

It's effecting me more than I realise..really stressed out about it all. It feels like i'm going through a break up!!

What should I do? Do I contact her? I've said all I could say now and I dont want to be running around after her begging for her forgiveness. Her behaviour over the past few months leads me to believe this is what she expects and I dont want to do that.

Either way, our friendship will never be the same again.

I was speaking to a friend who is in the middle of all this and she was saying the girl who blabbed is really upset about me not speaking to her - well she should have thought about that before opening her mouth. I've decided i'm definitely done with her.

My sister thinks I should be done with both of them. She believes my friend who I was concerned about is actually worse than the one that blabbed.

I just dont know anymore..

Napper Hawkins

Tell them to go and ****e, you made a silly mistake which you shouldn't have but guess what? We all make mistakes.

If they're not willing to drop this and grow the hell up then they're not worth the effort. Real friends would have forgiven you by now. God knows I've pissed off my mates in the past and vice versa, but if you truly give a damn about someone and they you, then mistakes will be forgiven. As for those who couldn't let something go, well, they faded away. If anything you've at least learned to keep quiet!

Only the immature or stupid hold grudges.

snugglebear

I tend to agree with your sister, these so called friends don't seem worth the effort, fair enough you made a mistake, we've all done it.
It's best to move on and focus on other things, life's too short to be worrying about this

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for all of the replies.

It looks like there's a big night out organised this weekend and I havent been invited.

I suppose that kind of makes my mind up for me...

amybabes

OP, I have made the same mistake more than once and hindsight has made me wiser.

First of all you have to acknowledge that you WERE in the wrong. Your friend confided in you and you completely broke that trust. No matter what your motive was, you still betrayed her confidence. Simple as.

Although shady, The other friend had every right to tell her that you broke her confidence. If a friend was telling other people things that you had told them in confidence would you not want to know?? HONESTLY? Of course you would, so you could stop telling them! You know its true.

Here's my advice:
If these friendships are important to you, then ask them to meet up and the 3 of you sit down and have it out/hear each other out. Apologise to both of them - 1)for betraying her confidence 2)for telling her something you shouldn't have and putting her in the position you did.

If this sorts things out, try and move on, hold no grudges but learn from this. And close your ears to this type of nonsense. Tell them that in future you don't want to hear about anything like this.

If not, then forget about them. But by the sounds of it you won't be able to do that easily.

In my experience, what you don't know - cannot dwell on your mind, cannot be repeated maliciously or otherwise (out of concern) and can't cause you a whole lot of bother! Wouldn't you be better off if you hadn't heard a thing!

Sometimes knowledge is a curse!