work and babies

LegacyUser

Hi, I am doing some soul searching and look for some opinions. Due to the recession I have made to move to cork for work. My gf lives in dundalk and i have been going back most weekends. The thing is we are at the stage where one of us has to move and it looks like me due to her not being able to come here.

my dilemma is for my relationship to work i must leave a great job/career with alot of opportunity to end up in a dead end job with little options.

She is also wanting to have kids in the next couple of years and im not sure about that either but am hoping i will too. I really love her and am sure of her thats why im thinking about this alot but is love enough?my head is melted.

my gut is saying stay here and dont have kids but if i said that to her i think it would break my heart. i wish my gut would shut up for once it might make things easier. the thing is i have no friends or anything down here so its weird that it is telling me to do it. surely the girl should be more important?

thanks for listening

iguana

Why exactly can't she move? Is it because of her job or a dependant family member?

ElleEm

Is your relationship not working long distance? Why does one of you have to move?
It would be a very difficult thing for you to move back to Dundalk, leaving a good job for one that would make you feel less fulfilled.
You need to speak with your girlfriend about this, I'm sure she wants you to be happy.

Neyite

There are plenty of solid couples that only see each other on weekends, and it works out very well.You might take up to a year to conceive, then there is another 9 months after that, so job prospects in your home area might have improved by that stage. I know that when you have children this is much less practical (but doable - what about army wifes) but thats a while off. I know a few couples with children of varied ages where the father is working abroad - some in the middle east and the mother and some of the children are staying in Ireland. Not a nice prospect to be separated from the family, but its the times we live in. My point is that you dont need to put all your eggs in one basket just yet.

My partner worked away for nearly a year, so I only got to see him at weekends, and it worked out fine. Mostly he was happy to come home, but a few times I went to him for a weekend away. We would have coped with it longer if we had to. if it meant him being in a job that he had good prospects in then it would be far better than have him here but miserable with his job.

The first thing that rings alarms bells for me OP is that you are making this decision alone. It is not just your decision to make, but one that you need to share with this partner.

The best advice I can give you is to really sit down with yourself and think where you want to go with your life, what you want to happen, how you want to try and get there. Write these things down if it helps. Even better list them under two lists, one of things that would be “nice to have” and the other of things you simply do not want to compromise on. Do this as honestly as you can with yourself.

These lists will include everything from the kind of job you want, how many kids, when you want kids, what you want for your kids, what you want your life to be like, hobbies, hopes, dreams, the lot.

Have her do the same thing, and when you are both finished come together and compare notes. Really seriously ask yourselves if the relationship you are in together is one that fits with the list, or can be made to fit with the list. Ask yourself how many of the “do not compromise” things simply do or do not fit with the relationship.

There are many people in my experience who do everything they can to hold on to a person, but end up years later resenting that person or being in an unhappy relationship because they had to compromise their own self too much in order to make it “work”. Many relationships fail, even when the people in it are madly in love, because although each is happy with the other, they are not happy in themselves... and one of the most important things in relationships is that one is happy in ones own skin, before they can expect someone else to be fully happy with them too.

In essence everyone here on boards can tell you what they would want and not want. You will find people who would hate long distance relationships for example, but you will also find many that are in them quite happily and wouldn’t change it. Both will advise you accordingly most likely, and hence both will give you wildly different advice.

Whether it will work for you guys, only you guys can answer… and as I said at the start you need to answer these things together, not alone.

IrishEyes19

Deleted User wrote: »

The first thing that rings alarms bells for me OP is that you are making this decision alone. It is not just your decision to make, but one that you need to share with this partner.

The best advice I can give you is to really sit down with yourself and think where you want to go with your life, what you want to happen, how you want to try and get there. Write these things down if it helps. Even better list them under two lists, one of things that would be “nice to have” and the other of things you simply do not want to compromise on. Do this as honestly as you can with yourself.

These lists will include everything from the kind of job you want, how many kids, when you want kids, what you want for your kids, what you want your life to be like, hobbies, hopes, dreams, the lot.

Have her do the same thing, and when you are both finished come together and compare notes. Really seriously ask yourselves if the relationship you are in together is one that fits with the list, or can be made to fit with the list. Ask yourself how many of the “do not compromise” things simply do or do not fit with the relationship.

There are many people in my experience who do everything they can to hold on to a person, but end up years later resenting that person or being in an unhappy relationship because they had to compromise their own self too much in order to make it “work”. Many relationships fail, even when the people in it are madly in love, because although each is happy with the other, they are not happy in themselves... and one of the most important things in relationships is that one is happy in ones own skin, before they can expect someone else to be fully happy with them too.

In essence everyone here on boards can tell you what they would want and not want. You will find people who would hate long distance relationships for example, but you will also find many that are in them quite happily and wouldn’t change it. Both will advise you accordingly most likely, and hence both will give you wildly different advice.

Whether it will work for you guys, only you guys can answer… and as I said at the start you need to answer these things together, not alone.

It his decision to make if its HIM who has to move. Different story if they were compromising, but sounds like the OP is making the sacrifices. I know your head is in the relationship, OP, but what about the job you would be going into, would you be as financially secure? Is it a safe job. Relationships are important, but they also change over time, and if your not living together now, what if that doesnt work out? Have you lived together before?

greenprincess

Well as someone who did the long distance relationship/ only weekends thing for 3 years it can work. I was away in Cork for college and went home every weekend to see my bf then I got a job in Dublin for a year before we moved in together. Broke up for completely seperate reasons!

But anyway yes it def can work, I think maybe you dont have friends in Cork because your not there at weekends to socialise? I hated that about Dublin, I had part friends at work, but they would all go out at the weekend in Dub so until wed at work the previous weekend and other people they knew outside work was all that got talked about! But I still prefered to go home to see my bf. You just have to decide what matters more for you right now fully intergrating yourself into Cork life, moving home, or keeping things long distance.

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

The thing is we are at the stage where one of us has to move and it looks like me due to her not being able to come here.

Why?

Dublin25

OP I believe both of you need to be happy with decision to move. You do need to talk this through with her before you make any decision. Look at your options, right down the pros and cons.!

I'm in a similarish position. We did the long distance thing for 4 years he moved to me but now a year later he's not happy here and is extremely home sick. I not in a position to move to his homeplace due to jobs and i believe i'd be badly home sick too. So we are now trying to figure out if this relationship can continue. (Don't get me wrong, we love each other completely but I do not want either of us to be unhappy!)

Please talk all your fears, ideas, worries and hopes with her before you make any decision. It will save you further down the road.

Sleepy

OP, ye need to discuss which of ye will be primary carer for any kids ye have. If it's going to be you, then dead-end job is as much as you can expect really. If it's going to be her, it makes far more sense for her to join you in Cork where you have a career that can support a family.

LegacyUser

we are speaking honestly about it together.
we havent leaved together yet.
job is the main reason why she cant.

thanks for the replys . some good advice in there

Sleepy

So, she believes her career is more important than yours? Is it?

Realistically, if ye're having kids, whichever of ye earns the higher salary has the most important job as the other will have to let their career take a back seat to parenting.

Dublin25

Glad to hear your still talking it out.
Didn't work out so well for me, we splitting up.

Good Luck