Never gonna have a first time?

LegacyUser

Im 20, female. Have 2 to 3 brief failed flings behind me.

Gonna be honest, im a virgin, and havent gone past the making out stage.
Pretty embarssing but it was because i never truly felt comfortable with those guys, which resulted in non surprising break ups because i guess, i just couldnt chillax.

Turns out for good reasons though as with my whole virgin status, ive been either cheated on or "your a lovely girl BUT..." . I now understand it is not fair to expect a guy to sacrifice his sex life to humour me.

Im scared. I guess Im looking for a patient understanding guy. Thing is, it hasnt worked for me. I cant find any guy who can be patient with my standards... who can just get to know me first? ....I know, im expecting too much. Its not fair.
Since my first "fling" or whatever youd call it, sex etc is a dealbreaker .


And since im getting older, it is getting harder to find a guy on my level. And since im heading into university soon, ill be entering the whole night club hook up scene, and it will get harder....

Anyone been where i am? Bitta advice?

I am not in a hurry to lose it cause everyone else has. Im just finding it hard to find someone who can be patient or make me comfortable. I mean, lets face it , why would a college guy, hang about till a virgin is "ready" when they can go out and find another girl to chase within 5mins?


....Headwrecked =(

thecookingapple

Nature works in mysterious ways, my only advice would be: do not compromise yourself or your beliefs for someone who does not appreciate you, always want the best in life for yourself and be patient.

Good luck.

somebodytolove

somebodytolove wrote: »

I know, im expecting too much. Its not fair.

That's debatable. You're not expecting too much, you're just expecting it to be too easy/quick. These things take time. Hook ups happen fast, deep relationships take more time, but they do happen.

And since im heading into university soon, ill be entering the whole night club hook up scene, and it will get harder....

Well I'm 20 too, just finished my 2nd year of college and I think I've been to less than 10 clubs, and I've never done the hook up thing, it's not my style. I far prefer pubs, house parties, situations where you talk to people instead of just getting grinded against by stray fellas (although you do get that the odd time at house parties too!). To be honest it doesn't sound like you should be looking for the "hook up scene". You want something more, and you're not going to find it at a night club. If you're looking to put your dancing shoes on, by all means go out to a night club, but you don't have to hook up with guys there. Meeting a guy at a night club is completely looks based. You can't hear what anyone's saying, it's purely just who looks good. Not the recipe for an emotionally based relationship. (these are generalisations though)

Anyone been where i am? Bitta advice?

Actually I've been in the opposite situation to you. When I was 15 all my friends had boyfriends, talked about sex, and I had never kissed a guy. The random "meeting" thing really didn't appeal to me. So when I finally found someone I liked and felt comfortable with, I knew I wanted to get all the labels out of the way. Bye bye frigid, bye bye virginity. I purposely waited until I was 16 because I thought 15 was too young. So I was having sex at 16, under the complete assumption everyone else was. I was 19 by the time I found out that all my attractive friends with their constant boyfriends had actually never had sex. Turns out I was so worried about my own lack of experience coming to light that I never realised that they didn't have much either. These friends were on average a year older than me, your age. So you're definitely not alone. You should be glad you're not one of the people like me, who were so insecure they assumed they had to lose their virginity. (not that I regret it, I just wish I had known I had nothing to worry about)

I mean, lets face it , why would a college guy, hang about till a virgin is "ready" when they can go out and find another girl to chase within 5mins?

Well they won't if that's the attitude you have towards it. College guys aren't better than other people, and plenty of them are virgins. No need to think of them as having infinite better options. It sounds like maybe you're going for the wrong type of guy. You're a virgin, but you're not only a virgin. Hopefully, you're also funny, kind, intelligent, friendly? You seem to be ignoring the fact that you have far more to give a guy than your virginity. Sure, some guys will see sex as a dealbreaker, but why would you want to go out with a guy like that anyway? There are guys who wont mind, in fact there are plenty of guys your age that you'll meet in uni that will be virgins too.

muboop1

Firstly... College has never and will never be the sex fest it is made out to be. I know countless guys who went there virgins etc. and a good few who left there that way!

College is great, there are many societys and groups etc and yeh there will be dicks only out for one thing, but there are also genuine nice guys who would be willing to wait.

Don't worry about it. You are 20! do a search in this forum, many people are 40 and still virgins etc! Worst thing you can do is stress. Just go, live your life and when you meet the right guy and do it when it feels right... anybody who tells you otherwise is just a jerk!

LegacyUser

I know. But im ready. Well, to go further and mature sexually. But i need trust.
One of the girls joked the other day that when i score someone i think im marrying them. Which is not TRUE! I just want that first "love" . The first experience like?

How can i avoid those guys who are damaging my confidence when ive gone out with guys with different personalities and they all seem to have the same thing on the mind.

Theres just no avoiding it. Sex is everywhere. And i appear to be the frigid girlfriend. Ive never had a relationship or fling thats lasted more than 6 weeks.
It just hurts cause i feel my personality and looks are not enough to hold a guy..?
I know they leave cause of sex but these little thoughts do creep in!

7Sins

I think that maybe you don't give guys enough credit and have a rather tarred view of them. On the brightside, you're now 20 and would mostly likely end up dating someone in the 20-25 age bracket. You've just come out of the 18-20 bracket and with guys that is literally all about sex, sex sex....was for me anyway Was on my mind 24hrs a day! I'm 24 now and all I look for is a decent girl, compatability et cetera and it's not easy to find when you know yourself and what you want, the sex can wait. My last relationship was a two month courting affair of dating and the likes which eventually culminated in sex, yipeee! Just don't sell yourself short and don't do anything just to please or hold on to a guy, find someone decent and they'll wait

Just some points, the bit where you say you needed to chillax, maybe just maybe you're not into guys?
I think there's a confidence issue in yourself especially if you're saying that you don't have much in terms of personality or looks to hold onto a guy without the sex...

tinkerbell

OP, you're 20. Not 80. Jees, you're not pushing on and time's not running out on you to find love, you have loads of time.

The right guy will wait for you to be ready. That's all I have to say on the matter. Because at the end of the day, if you meet a guy who really likes you and cares about you, waiting for you to be ready to have sex won't be a deal breaker for him.

LegacyUser

Um..just to say, i wasnt sayin i dont have much in the looks and personality department. I actually do, which proves my point that most guys i was involved with had sex on the brain all the time. Im just saying that it overshadowed everything else.

And im not a lesbian just because i have my guard up. In fairness, would you blame me? Its hard to find geniune people ......

7Sins

Yup it is hard to find genuine guys, I won't lie to you there...I see where you're coming from. Are you afraid of getting hurt, as in getting used and dumped by a guy after sex? Happens a lot and most girls I meet all have that issue and are very protective of themselves and rightly so, just be careful then and try to find that guy who you think will be patient and understanding of your needs. They are out there and you're still very young, I wouldn't start to panic if I were you until you start approaching 30 and are in the same situation :pac:

**I await an onslaught for that comment by women appraoching 30 lol**

HugoDrax

Hi OP,

I hope what I tell you will not offend you but I'm afraid you are very very naive.

I don't claim to have a special insight into men but I think my thought processes about women and sex are fairly mainstream.

Whenever I meet a new woman I want to have sex with her as soon as humanly possible and if a woman refused to have sex with me, I would not waste my time because I would go looking for someone else who would.

I can do this because I know for a fact that other women will have sex if one girl will not.

I love women, but not just for their lovely personality - women who are intelligent and who I can have a laugh with are just what I am looking for because I want to have sex with women just like that.
I want to marry and have children with a women just like that.
But before I do I intend on having sex with as many women as possible before then so that when I do meet the woman I want I will not be second guessing my choice because I already got all the sex I ever wanted.

But if a woman wants me to put my entire life on hold because she believes in finding the 'one' then I am gone. No apologies.

I don't speak for all men but I am confident that many men think precisely the same and would do precisely the same.

A man can only be so patient with a woman - after a point in time the question becomes 'Why am I with this women when I could be with an equally nice girl who will also have sex with me?'

minidazzler

OP, the flip side of wanting a guy that is patient and will wait, is that you will have to be rather patient to find one. I know for myself that waiting longer than a rather short time would be a pretty big deal breaker. Though I am sure there are alot of guys more patient than me, if you are asking guys to wait 5 or 6 months, that's a LONG time.

That said, I don't think you are asking too much of a guy to wait, but if he was someone like me, he's just not going to with no definite timeframe on when sex occurs.

So, I guess, my only advice is to live by what you are looking for, be patient, and be understanding if a guy is not interested if sex is taken off the table.

7Sins

Sex does really occur quite naturally which I'm not sure the OP understands or perhaps there's a further underlying element to her frigidity. The OP mentioned the lack of privacy in living with the parents being a factor. Assuming she moves out of home for college then her circumstance and approach to sex may change greatly. I'd be quite suprised when at college that she would make it beyond a 3rd date without getting some action :pac: or even her first night out :pac: Alcohol will play a great role in this and there'll be many a time you'll wake up in the morning staring at something next to ya that'll make you wanna reach for the nearest bottle of JD and pour it down the sink, after vomitting violently and getting rid of the embarrassment panned out across your bed sheets :pac:

LegacyUser

I dont want to find the "one" . I dont believe in the "one".

Only the "one in this point of my life"

Maybe in a way im looking for the "one" whose gonna take my virginity? I dont expect to marry them or settle down.

And i want to have sex. Not 5-6 mths down the line. Im not an evil prude

But literally every guy ive dated or whatever, they always want to clarify if im a virgin ,like they are full sure they are gonna "get it" and the minute they learn i am, they bolt not long after......

I guess i missed out on the whole first love crap when at 17 it was acceptable to wait and wait.

I guess i dont stand a chance in university.

I mean, why wait for a virgin when you can find an "equally nice girl who will have sex" as mentioned above. Believe me, i dont need that emphasised since thats why im always dumped.

My mom always bate it into me that it was sluts who had sex etc and were not wanted by guys. It looks to me, the opposite. Virgins arent wanted.

LegacyUser

OP, I do get understand where you're coming from...with a 4 year advantage.

I'm in a similar situation. 24, never slept with someone, wondering when the right time will be to just go for it. Like you, I was brought up to believe that you don't just have sex with people randomly. I like to think that I've matured beyond that and, while I don't necessarily do it myself, I know that sex can be meaningful and deep, but also just fun!

For me, I'm looking for someone I really like to share that with me.
I know what the earlier posters said about guys not going to wait because there's always someone else who will have sex, is true for a lot of guys. But in my (perhaps too romantic) head, if they'll wait the month or two until I'm ready, then I know they actually give a **** about me.

The difference is that you need to make the person you're seeing aware of this!!!! Obviously it's not a first date sort of conversation but maybe some evening if things are getting hot and heavy you can just drop in that you want that to happen, and soon, you just need a little time. But not that much time!!!!

Your virginity is important, don't let someone convince you that it's not. Just because you don't give it up straight away doesn't make you frigid. (I was shocked to see that word even mentioned on here).

LegacyUser

OP I completely understand where you're coming from and a few months ago I could have written the same post.
People don't seem to understand what you're saying - they're presuming that you're a naive girl who wants a fairytale or more realistically that you want some big commitment. Why is is so weird to just want to be comfortable with someone?? The way I see it is the real issue you have is not about losing your virginity but about just not wanting really casual sex in general, whereas the guys you're meeting think it's all about the virginity. I would say that you're just meeting the wrong guys, when you meet someone you really like you will feel comfortable and hopefully they'll be mature enough to not care about the virginity and will just see it as wanting to have a good first time in general.

Pandora2

somebodytolove wrote: »

I now understand it is not fair to expect a guy to sacrifice his sex life to humour me.


Gotta be honest...this is almost never happens;)

dearg lady

HugoDrax wrote: »

But if a woman wants me to put my entire life on hold because she believes in finding the 'one' then I am gone. No apologies.

such drama! OP wants to find someone who's really into her and won't dump her as soon as he gets his leg over, this hardly counts as wanting someone to put their whole life on hold!

somebodytolove wrote: »

I dont want to find the "one" . I dont believe in the "one".

Only the "one in this point of my life"

Maybe in a way im looking for the "one" whose gonna take my virginity? I dont expect to marry them or settle down.

And i want to have sex. Not 5-6 mths down the line. Im not an evil prude

But literally every guy ive dated or whatever, they always want to clarify if im a virgin ,like they are full sure they are gonna "get it" and the minute they learn i am, they bolt not long after......

I guess i missed out on the whole first love crap when at 17 it was acceptable to wait and wait.

I guess i dont stand a chance in university.

I mean, why wait for a virgin when you can find an "equally nice girl who will have sex" as mentioned above. Believe me, i dont need that emphasised since thats why im always dumped.

My mom always bate it into me that it was sluts who had sex etc and were not wanted by guys. It looks to me, the opposite. Virgins arent wanted.

OP, fair play to you for waiting for when you're ready. There's no reason in the world why you won't meet a nice guy who's happy to take things slow cos he really likes you. Most of my relationships in my early 20's it was soemwhere between 1-3months before sex was on the agenda anyway.
I don't think it's a good idea to put too much emphasise on sex and the first time, it won't be perfect, believe me! but tbh, you don't seem to be doing that, just want your first time in the confines of a real relationship.

LegacyUser

OP, I was brought up similarly to you and empathyforyou and one thing I was told that always stuck in my mind was that a lot of guys will tell you they love you, but the ones who mean it are the ones who are willing to wait until you're ready to have sex. I hope my story is at least a bit helpful.

I lost my virginity when I was 20 - last year. I'd had opportunities before with boys I was just kissing, not going out with, but I just didn't want to do it with them. I didn't expect something extraordinary, I didn't think I had to be married or planning to be, but at the very least I wanted mutual love. It definitely wasn't there. I also hated the nightclub, meat market, pulling scene. It wasn't my thing, nor most of my friends'.

So how did I get around to doing it? I'd been with my boyfriend for a few months and, after some fooling around, decided I was ready. He hadn't pressured me but had wondered at one point (about 2-3 months in) how long I planned to wait After asking me why I wouldn't have sex yet, though, he was fine with the answer and he texted me later to say he regretted asking and that he should appreciate what he has. Importantly, I knew he'd loved me for a while, even before he said it. It was brilliant to get to know, like and love each other for a while without the serious prospect of sex (just to be clear though, he was obviously thinking about it from the start! He just didn't force it.)

Of course most guys are going to be interested in just sex with you, and maybe eventually something deeper if they feel like it. Now that you're starting college, you'll have plenty of chances to meet all sorts of boys, and it might be a while before you decide what you want. The only way to find out is to meet people and not to let others decide when you should have sex. I met the bf some time into college through a society event.

Have like-minded friends, too. A couple of my best friends are 21, 22 and still haven't had their first time because they think similarly to me. I can think of girls I know who are older still and also haven't, in all likelihood. It's fine and nobody cares.