first two poems post

anthony112

to be honest i dont even know if this is poetry im probably just mad, let me know what ye think and dont be merciful

This body heavy for some
a burden some might say

the beauty and spirit within it
takes all the weight away

trod lightly this heavenly flesh
that in time must decay

for in being is the experience of life
in no certain way

for upon the ground the body stands
reaps and sows all day

lie still kind sir thy work is done
say goodbye and be on your way.


POEM 2

There you sit mona lisa
an Aunt you be
I see you in my minds eye
the tender smile
with grace and poise you seem

A lady like no other
in colour and frame you screen
worthy of gaze
a means to an end
beauty like no other

personified in oil
as close as it can be.

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I like both of these, although i prefer the second one. I think you have a talent here, keep it up

anthony112

Vanity

All is vanity
What profit have we found
We Toil the soil
Under this light
upon this ground
All is vanity

We live we die
Yet still the same
As the light in the sky
The 24 hour day
Always returns
Without a doubt
112 the final martyr’s way

The few days of our lives
we planted and built
And took many wives
Eat and drink
toil and see
112s the prize we seek

Wise in our years
we reap and sow
done all the work
There is no sequel
step lightly on the ground
112 the final martyr has no equal

this heavenly flesh
That stands on ground
we question in wisdom all we can see
Under the light
Can we leave it alone
112s vanity

Just as the sum
It stands on its own
Tried laughter and fun
pleasure and pain
But know only too well
It’s 112 the final martyr’s gain

In our wisdom is madness
And our knowing is pain
Chasing profit
Is vanity’s gain
Alone we stand
112s game

A time for war
A time for peace
Life and death
Plant and seed
Eye can’t see, ear can’t hear
112 the final tears

our bodies heavy for some
a burden in some ways
the beauty and spirit within it
takes all the weight away
the experience of life
This is the 112 the final martyr’s way

For in being is
Only one thing left to say
ly still kind soul your work is done
say goodbye and be on your way.
For we must decide, Is this 112 the last and final martyr’s day



Seven

In the beginning there were seven
Underneath the heavens
The difference between them
It took to make a kingdom

First there was the king
That brought about all things
An inventor at the core
A ruler for ever more

Second there was the scholars
And In a quest for the answer
Curiosity would take them everywhere
They had to learn to follow

Third there was the priest
A mission to improve all things
Talking from the pulpit
Fire and brimstone for the culprit

Fourth there was the server
On knees before the alter
Happy giving up for the needs of others
Helping was his measure

Fifth there was the warrior
Glory and honour was his valour
To protect and serve to the end
No cowardice would ever enter

Sixth there was the sage
Laughter and fun in their age
Reader and story teller
The number of audience his gauge

Seventh there was the artisan
He would create beauty with hand
A world imagined
All Produced was grand

Arthur Rimbaud

Hi anthony,

I would say these all seem fine, but as first drafts.

I remember hearing, once, how Sylvia Plath had 22 brimming pages of draft before she could distil out 15 lines for one poem (I can't remember which one).

You clearly have something to say, worth saying, and capable of being heard, but you need to work on the clarity and the strength of its transmission. Lets just take one piece:

anthony112 wrote: »

This body heavy for some
a burden some might say

the beauty and spirit within it
takes all the weight away

trod lightly this heavenly flesh
that in time must decay

for in being is the experience of life
in no certain way

for upon the ground the body stands
reaps and sows all day

lie still kind sir thy work is done
say goodbye and be on your way.

So much of poetry is sub-conscious, and whether it was intended or not, I like how the bare physical structure of the piece seems to reflect a transience and aloofness that is being expressed. This is good.

Nevertheless, the rhyming structure can be read in lines of four: ABCB. There is a nice melody to these lines, almost like a pendulum swinging back and forth, although working on the metre could improve its rhythm.

I would suggest you decide what it is you want to do with the metre here, if anything, and return to each line and ask yourself what you meant by that line, and whether you have achieved your aim. This is a long process, but you've made a good start.

And finally, try to avoid telling us what's what, it's ok to be more vague in your writing, this is poetry not journalism. It's all about what the reader perceives, so allow him to take part in the poem by using strong, vivid language that creates images as opposed to explaining or even eulogizing/ sermonizing.

I think you can write, but poems are hard work, and it would be a shame if you did not further develop these. Best of luck.