Lack of Time Together In a Relationship?

um7y1h83ge06nx

Hi lads,

Thought I'd post this here rather than PI as I wouldn't mind more of a lad's perspective on things.

Here we go. I've been seeing a girl since July and when we're together we have an amazing time, we really click. The problem is we don't spend enough of time together and I feel a bit un-appreciated these days.

She's very busy in college at the moment but I still feel she could be making more of an effort. She's in college in Dublin but due to work placement we're currently in the same city, about a 15 min drive from one another.

In the last six weeks since we came back from a European city trip (which was excellent) we haven't had any sex and would probably only see each other for about 2 hours a week max (go for dinner etc.). We haven't met up in a week and a half.

As regards the sex she says she goes completely off the boil when she's stressed. And about the amount of time we spend together she just says she's busy with her thesis and stressed/tired.

I have told her that I feel that things are hard for me at the moment and that I feel a bit unappreciated but she just re-iterates the whole thesis thing.

It's really wrecking my buzz at the moment and I feel that there is great potential for our relationship if we only have the time to work on it. I think one thing that could be an issue is that she has never had a relationship for this long before and maybe she's inexperienced when it comes to relationships. I always believe that it's necessary to work on every relationship, time needs to e put aside, things need to be done, no matter how good you might think things are.

So what do you reckon?

Galvasean

To be honest I'd wait it out. I know it must be very frustrating for you, but thesis time can be the most stressful and and mind-numbing time in a person's life. Her brain probably is shot at the moment. I'd recommend giving her plenty of space and not forcing the issue with her. If you force the issue on her it will only lead to more stress, which she really does not need right now. That could even be a catylyst for her wanting to end the relationship entirely, which is not what you want.
My advice: Ride it out for now. Make the most of what little time you have together for now. Don't get too pushy. Once this thesis is out of the way things should improve vastly.

Rodin

15min drive from each other?
And two hours together in a week and a half?

Hmm....

When's the thesis due?

TouchingVirus

If she's an undergrad the thesis should be due before May anyways, I'd suggest waiting it out. If it doesn't improve when her free time increases and she gets less stressed then I'd have a talk with her about where it's going and how you're feeling.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Thanks for the replies guys.

The thesis is due today, thank god.

However she still has some practical exams to do in the next week or so so that will probably have an impact on things.

The things that worries me is that once this thesis is over, will it be replaced by job hunting which will get replaced by a job etc. etc.

I think I'm just going to back off on things because I'm sick of chasing her. The only thing that annoys me is that she is always so much in control given the circumstances, whether we meet up or not is always driven by her as I have much more spare time than her (I generally prefer a pretty even relationship). But I guess that's to be expected given the situation.

I guess I feel like a bit of a puppy dog these days.

cantdecide

Best case scenario: Thesis ends, you live long and happy lives together.

Worst case scenario: You're her loyal pet boyfriend, at her beck and call.

I think you should have a chat. You should tell her that you have no problem effectively being in a long distance relationship, provided you're sure it's not for nothing. There is a chance that she may be using the thesis as an excuse to have to have you 'on the go' and after the thesis ends, she'll be onto the next project and you'll still be kept at arms length.

Talk to her but don't necessarily go by her words.

Rodin

Reagan Fast Waltz wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

The thesis is due today, thank god.

However she still has some practical exams to do in the next week or so so that will probably have an impact on things.

The things that worries me is that once this thesis is over, will it be replaced by job hunting which will get replaced by a job etc. etc.

I think I'm just going to back off on things because I'm sick of chasing her. The only thing that annoys me is that she is always so much in control given the circumstances, whether we meet up or not is always driven by her as I have much more spare time than her (I generally prefer a pretty even relationship). But I guess that's to be expected given the situation.

I guess I feel like a bit of a puppy dog these days.

If things don't change now the thesis is done, then get rid
You'll only get hurt

Reagan Fast Waltz

Reagan Fast Waltz wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

The thesis is due today, thank god.

However she still has some practical exams to do in the next week or so so that will probably have an impact on things.

The things that worries me is that once this thesis is over, will it be replaced by job hunting which will get replaced by a job etc. etc.

I think I'm just going to back off on things because I'm sick of chasing her. The only thing that annoys me is that she is always so much in control given the circumstances, whether we meet up or not is always driven by her as I have much more spare time than her (I generally prefer a pretty even relationship). But I guess that's to be expected given the situation.

I guess I feel like a bit of a puppy dog these days.

Well since the thesis is in today and exams in the next week or so, I think you should at least just stick it out for a few more weeks.
I know if I had a thesis to be focusing on I would be explaining that I need a lot of time to myself as well. For my own exam last week I literally just put everything else in my life on hold. That's how it is.
I would guess the job hunting will be nowhere near the same kind of pressure, so give it until then and see - if she is making excuses then, then you should back off.

um7y1h83ge06nx

cantdecide wrote: »

Best case scenario: Thesis ends, you live long and happy lives together.

Worst case scenario: You're her loyal pet boyfriend, at her beck and call.

You should tell her that you have no problem effectively being in a long distance relationship, provided you're sure it's not for nothing.

Those are two huge things for me, I don't want to be like a pet or a book that can be picked up and dropped at any time.

Also I don't want to be in a relationship that's going nowhere. I'm 28, so I'm not old but I'm not a kid either, so I really don't want to be wasting my time.

petethebrick

I would dump her anyway. What's the point in going out with someone if all you're doing is having dinner with them once a week? The whole thesis excuse is bull****e to be honest. She obviously isn't sure what she wants. Think about it, if you are honestly into someone romantically you make time for them no matter what else you have going on.........

cantdecide

There's nothing you've said on this thread that you shouldn't be able to tell her face to face. Asking her to make a little more time for you isn't needy. Personally, I'd have got the hump with such little contact long ago.

um7y1h83ge06nx

cantdecide wrote: »

There's nothing you've said on this thread that you shouldn't be able to tell her face to face. Asking her to make a little more time for you isn't needy. Personally, I'd have got the hump with such little contact long ago.

True enough. Every time I have brought it up thus far she says there is nothing she can do about it at the moment, until all the college stuff finishes. I really hope that is the case.

Galvasean

Well don't be too hasty. Wait 'til her exams are done. What's one more week in the grand scheme of things?
You'd never know... there might be a grand shower of stress relief sex waiting for you if you're lucky.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Galvasean wrote: »

Well don't be too hasty. Wait 'til her exams are done. What's one more week in the grand scheme of things?
You'd never know... there might be a grand shower of stress relief sex waiting for you if you're lucky.

That put a smile on my face, thanks!

I was discussing it with a friend there during lunch and we said I could be looking back on this in a few months and thinking I was lucky I kept my patience or I also could be looking back thinking I dodged a bullet.

Even though I have a pretty high sex drive, it's not the lack of sex that really bothers me, it's more the lack of general physical contact. It really hard to beat that great post sex feeling when you're cuddled up to someone and feel that life is good, you're with the one you love. And if that sounds cheesy I couldn't care less.

Snowie

if i had a gf and i was doing a thesis and exams.. she'd be the last thing on my mind!

um7y1h83ge06nx

Thanks for all the input. I'll bide my time until June/July and see what happens.

I might just lay out some of my concerns though in a nice way the next time we meet, just kind of figure out where things are going.

Uriel.

if the thesis is due today and she hasn't been up for the last 24 hours or something piecing the last bit of it together... I would be expecting that she, at her own initiative would meet up with you, even for a few hours and say thanks for being patient, I've just had a load of stress off my shoulders now, and once my exams are over next week then I'll have lots more time for us etc...

If she doesn't then I believe the writing is on the wall.

Thesis are tough going, but depending on the circumstances there is absolutely no reason (relating to the workload involved) that would stop her from seeing you more than she has recently. When I did my thesis or any of the other project work I was ever involved in, I had no problem making time for "other things" (not meaning sex).

In fact, work/college/other things have commonly been my excuse when I am nearing the end of a relationship but haven't had the final impetus to just break it off. Looking back, immature way of acting I guess, thankfully I've grown up now, but the experience is well remembered. Hope it's not the case with your relationship but it sounds suspiciously like it tbh.

um7y1h83ge06nx

True, well it probably won't be tonight as she's coming down from Dublin late but it would be weird if she wasn't on for something tomorrow or Wed night.

Snowie

Reagan Fast Waltz wrote: »

True, well it probably won't be tonight as she's coming down from Dublin late but it would be weird if she wasn't on for something tomorrow or Wed night.

its nice weather bring her to a park for picnic... and dont bring up your crap just enjoy each others company. :rolleyes:

bridal

Defo wait it out, exams are a very stressful time and im sorry to say you are probably the last thing on her mind at this stage. Be proud of her she wants to do well and if she does she can celebrate the fact with YOU!!! give her the space she needs and she will love you all the more for it

Otis Driftwood

bridal wrote: »

Defo wait it out, exams are a very stressful time and im sorry to say you are probably the last thing on her mind at this stage. Be proud of her she wants to do well and if she does she can celebrate the fact with YOU!!! give her the space she needs and she will love you all the more for it

Thats actually a good one.

It's an opportunity to score some huge brownie points.

Try and arrange a special night for the 2 of you for when she has all finished to congratulate her for all her hard work.Candles,nice meal + bottle of wine etc.

Old Perry

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

its nice weather bring her to a park for picnic... and dont bring up your crap just enjoy each others company. :rolleyes:

bridal wrote: »

Defo wait it out, exams are a very stressful time and im sorry to say you are probably the last thing on her mind at this stage. Be proud of her she wants to do well and if she does she can celebrate the fact with YOU!!! give her the space she needs and she will love you all the more for it

IMO the fact that shes spendin more time thinkin of here future than sex shows that shes sensible and in turn that she is a keeper. a couple of days after she finishs her exams do something together (a meal, a picnic ^, even just the pictures together) if shes off with you then, then there is something to fret about. if your lookin to stay with her long term then you gotta be supprtive and considerate of her life and feelings.

Havin said that i know how ya feel, its easyer said than done.

Stheno

Otis Driftwood wrote: »

Thats actually a good one.

It's an opportunity to score some huge brownie points.

Try and arrange a special night for the 2 of you for when she has all finished to congratulate her for all her hard work.Candles,nice meal + bottle of wine etc.

This is true, with my work recently I did 12 exams in 5 weeks, then had a couple of assessments. When it was all over the bf took me out for a special dinner, even ringing up to make sure he reserved my favourite table where we were going, it was lovely. He didn't get to spend much time with me when I was doing the exams and I was crabby and grumpy due to them (we live together tho) so it was nice to celebrate it ending

Zombienosh

no matter what exams or work **** i was doing i'd never put anything ahead of my wife, shes my reason for living, everything else is secondary.

TouchingVirus

Zombienosh wrote: »

no matter what exams or work **** i was doing i'd never put anything ahead of my wife, shes my reason for living, everything else is secondary.

A wife, bigger commitment than a girlfriend tbh

syklops

Reagan Fast Waltz wrote: »

Thanks for all the input. I'll bide my time until June/July and see what happens.

I might just lay out some of my concerns though in a nice way the next time we meet, just kind of figure out where things are going.

If she is stressed, there is no way you can lay out your feelings in a nice way. If your going to bide your time, bide it.

How about organising dinner in with her one night. She has to eat anyway, and she has to prepare it, or order it, or collect it somehow. So ask her if you can go over to her place and you do the making/ordering/collecting and she can work. It will free up time for her, and you get to see her.

If it goes well, it could become more regular. If nothing else, she will eat better and you will get to see her.

CluelessGirl

From a girl's perspective............give her the time to get the exams over with.

When I am stressed especially around exam time.........sex is the last thing on my mind.

Do you really want to be having sex with someone who in their head is worried/stressed/thinking of something else?

It must be her final year so the added pressure and stress she is under is immense.

A few weeks of patience and you may have the best summer ever with this girl.

Give her the support and understanding she needs if you think she is worth it.

realdanbreen

Zombienosh wrote: »

no matter what exams or work **** i was doing i'd never put anything ahead of my wife, shes my reason for living, everything else is secondary.

'she's my reason for living'
That to me sounds like your over dependent on her.How does she feel about it?

Azureus

Poor girl is in her final year of college, doing a thesis and exams. And NOW is the time you want attention?
Give her til after the exams, no doubt she will be back to her old self.

I was with my boyfriend 3 years last year in my final year and even though we live together I hardly sae him for 3 months in the months around my thesis/exams. He was really supportive about it and if you care about her you should be too. Would you rather her spend time with you while stressing about something else? She SHOULD be concerned with her future over a guy shes been with less than a year; shes probably worked her ass off for years to get this far. Not to say she doesnt care about ya, but the girl has her priorities in order if you ask me!

Otis Driftwood

realdanbreen wrote: »

'she's my reason for living'
That to me sounds like your over dependent on her.How does she feel about it?

Ehhh,save the psyc-analysis for somewhere else please.

IrishEyes19

petethebrick wrote: »

I would dump her anyway. What's the point in going out with someone if all you're doing is having dinner with them once a week? The whole thesis excuse is bull****e to be honest. She obviously isn't sure what she wants. Think about it, if you are honestly into someone romantically you make time for them no matter what else you have going on.........

thesis excuse isn't bull. It's actually the most stressful workload I ever had to do college wise. Finished mine this week as well and Im well glad to rid of it.

So Id give her a chance, OP, just wait till the exam week is over at least. final year is very tough, I can relate to that. I found during all week I was doing my thesis and during my breaks, I was thinking about what I should be doing, thesis wise. Crazy workload.
So give her a chance maybe and if things dont change, then consider ending it

Otis Driftwood

Realdanbreen,post deleted.Any more rubbish and you will be infracted.Last warning.

realdanbreen

Otis Driftwood wrote: »

Realdanbreen,post deleted.Any more rubbish and you will be infracted.Last warning.

I'm new around here Otis so just so as I understand how things work-I post something that you regard as rubbish and you delete it-is that it?

manjosh

The only thing that solves a relationship problem is simple communication. I believe what you need to do is really have a conversation about what is going on and not place the matter as a side conversation.

Make it the main purpose of meeting for a dinner or something.
If she still fails to change after that, i believe you really need to take a break maybe a week or two and see how thing goes again.

Wibbs

Manjosh, for god's sake please can we have no more multiple instances of resurrecting long dead threads. Closed.