Boyfriend and Barwork

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I'll try keep this as short as possible. About 3 years ago my boyfriend lost his job (it was a trade, ran his own business...recession) and he took up barwork. The same time his business went his fiancee of 5 years also went. He found that barwork gave him his confidence back (she told him he was worthless etc) and as his confidence grew he used it to meet girls. Normal enough I suppose.

A year ago I meet him. He's great and treats me well, our relationship isn't perfect but we are happy. He's 35 and I'm 28. We are living together now too. I have always suffered from self esteem issues for a few reasons and I am currently going through counselling. I just torture myself worrying bout my boyfriend being out there behind the bar surrounded by attractive women. He always calls from work when he can, he's home when he says he will be so I feel I'm being silly. When we go out he gets recognised by people, men and women, but it's thw women that bother me. They'll say 'oh I know you from such a place' He always says this is my girlfriend but I just get so mad thinking that at some stage he has flirted with them or something.

I'm 28, a smart, educated women so why do I feel so pathetic? Has anyone else dated a barman/woman and found it hard or is it just me and my insecurities?

ash23

I was a bar woman and yes, you get chatted up a lot and you do have to flirt somewhat.Well, not flirt, but you have to be friendly. It's part of the job.

However, I have always been faithful to any partner and to be honest, never dated/went out with a customer I met through work.
It's all so shallow and you don't be too long figuring it out. All the people who chat you up want, is to be able to say they scored the bar man/woman from xyz pub. You see through it pretty quickly. Plus they're usually drunk and you're sober so it's painful to listen to them blather on.

You're being irrational imo. He hasn't given you any reason to think he is or would be unfaithful.

Peanut2011

I know a lot of bar staff (used to work in the sector) and a lot of them would not go anywhere near the customer.

As they say "you don't crap where you eat".

From what I have seen in your post your OH has not given you any reason to think he is up to anything. If nothing you should be proud that other people like him enough to come up and say hello when they see him outside of work.

However I can understand that your own view is clouded and I guess you won't see clear until you clear your own problems. The fact that he chose you over

surrounded by attractive women.

should tell you a lot.

Trust me by the end of his shift he is probably so bored of all the drunken talk all he wants to do is come home to you.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

I was a bar woman and yes, you get chatted up a lot and you do have to flirt somewhat.Well, not flirt, but you have to be friendly. It's part of the job.

However, I have always been faithful to any partner and to be honest, never dated/went out with a customer I met through work.
It's all so shallow and you don't be too long figuring it out. All the people who chat you up want, is to be able to say they scored the bar man/woman from xyz pub. You see through it pretty quickly.

You're being irrational imo. He hasn't given you any reason to think he is or would be unfaithful.

No you are right he hasn't given me any reason to think this. I suppose with my own issues it is difficult to deal with. He says what you have said, it's all very shallow etc It is the nature of the job to be friendly, I wouldn't want to go to a bar served by someone with a big sulky head on them. It's just something I am having difficulty with.

At Christmas after my work party, he said to come in and we'd go home together as he was finishing up. I did and we were walking out to the car and there were two drunk women outside smoking. One of them shouts 'Ah look the barman pulled' He turned and said 'She's my girlfriend' and we walked on. The same woman shouts something about his 'fine ass' and then runs up and grabs it. He didn't know what to do he was so embarrassed, as was I.

Ickle Magoo

You sound horrendously insecure OP.

I worked in pubs while studying and it's a job - you get to chat to people and you get the odd drunken chat up line or whatever but for the most part you are sober and working, watching the clock run down and hoping nothing kicks off and you don't have puke to mop up at the end of the night.

Either you trust your boyfriend or you don't - whether he worked in an office, a factory or as a lecturer he's going to be working with and surrounded by other women - you need to think enough of yourself that you believe he's got no reason to cheat on or leave you...it's definitely something you need to work on - and you'll feel better for it.

All the best.

ash23

Well, I'll put it this way. When I was with my ex I was the one working in the bar. I was the one being chatted up and I was the one who was more attractive (not being big headed there, he was not a handsome guy!). i was the bubbly, friendly one who was out and he was the quiet, prefer to stay in kind.
He ended up cheating on me.

So, it doesn't matter what things may "seem" like on the surface. People will cheat if they are going to cheat, regardless of their occupation, job, amount of times they get hit on.
I abhorr cheating and though I had ample opportunity to cheat, I didn't. He grabbed every opportunity he got. Because he's a cheater.
If your fella is a cheater he will cheat. If he's not, then he won't.
It's up to you to decide if you trust HIM. If you don't then you shouldn't be with him.

Fentdog84

OP had you someone who cheated on you before or something? You seemed to be obsessed by cheating. Give your bf a break. Its obviously not his first choice of job/career but he's doing well to get back on his feet after losing his business and his previous gf showing her true colours and treating him like crap. Nothing wrong with barwork, a job is a job these days. If you worry about all the thinks that could go wrong you will never stop worrying. Chill out & enjoy your relationship.

bridal

I wouldnt put any pass on this, it just sounds like thats his job. Of course he is going to see and know people through his work, a bar is a very public place . He sounds like a very nice guy coming home when he tells you he is and keeping in contact with you. It really is prob your self esteem issues making you doubt him, in time once you work through them you probably wont even think about this

amybabes

Having worked in clubs and pubs for 7 years I can vouch for the fact that you get alot of attention working in this industry but 99% of it is unwanted!!

I have had to "break up" with people who seemed to think because i was friendly to them, had conversations with them, smiled that I was interested!!?? WTF - that's what I was paid to do!

Had guys lurking around at closing time that you literally have to be firm with them that its not going to happen, even tell them to f**k off! Then you get abused for being a tease or whatever. It's horrible.

The men i worked with used get alot of unwanted attention too, and usually it was from girls just looking for free drinks, free lifts home etc. But remember he will be sober at work and drunk people are annoying.

Maybe he might feel the same about what you're upto when you're out for the night and he's stuck at work!!

Taltos

OP I am going to be a little more direct here.
You need to snap out of this thinking now or you will either chase him away or you will cause him to pander to your fears in turn eating once more into his own self-confidence.

You need to recapture that happiness and knowledge that he chose you otherwise you are both in for a very very rough ride.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

OP I am going to be a little more direct here.
You need to snap out of this thinking now or you will either chase him away or you will cause him to pander to your fears in turn eating once more into his own self-confidence.

You need to recapture that happiness and knowledge that he chose you otherwise you are both in for a very very rough ride.

Could not agree more with this!
I also am going to be direct. I'm currently with a girl who has trust issues. This is driving me mad and I'm sure its the same for your bf. The only thing you are going to do is make him not want to be with you, and not because he wants to cheat on you as you are so sure he will but because he will eventually tire of your doubting him. And at the same time doubting him is chiping away at his self-confidence, which he has had to build up again after his ex showed her true colours. Doubting him in my mind makes you just as bad as his ex.

These are YOUR issues. NOT his. You either trust him or you don't. I don't know why anyone would like being in a relationship with someone they feel they cant trust! As you said he had done nothing to make you feel this way. I'm sure its hurtful for him to know you feel that he would cheat on you!!