Can you tame/change a player?

LegacyUser

I have been seeing this guy on an off for two years. He is now in his 30's, suffers from depression, drinks every day, bit of a player rep, etc. We seem to have really intense flings with him ending it when things actually seem to be going well...then him saying I keep running away from him...which I have now realized is not the case. All our mutual friends think we are perfect together, as do I but I don't know what to do any more. Do any women have experience of similar men and can they change?

Ok, this might get obvious replies back saying..."no" ..but I wanted to get other people's opinions.

shinikins

Sorry OP, you've been seeing a guy for 2 years, he keeps ending things suddenly when you think its going well, and your friends think he's perfect for you?!! And he says its your fault?

To answer your question, no. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change themselves. He's using you and then trying to manipulate you into thinking its your fault things end. If he was so perfect for you he would want to be with you. Find someone who will respect you and treat you well!

S23

No is the very blatant answer to that question. It's all well for your friends to say you are perfect together and for you to delude yourself into thinking it but you're not together are you?

Seeing someone on and off, obviously, doesn't qualify as a steady LTR.

If you're of a similar age as he is I'd say you're too old to be taken for a mug. You're not a wet behind the ears kid if you're in your early 30's. Get on with the rest of your life and stop wasting your time on something that's going nowhere or 2 years will turn into 4,6 or 8 and the next thing you know you'll be 40 and in the same position you are now.

HugoDrax

Hi OP,

Are you attracted to men who are only interested in one woman and remain loyal and never cheat?

Ickle Magoo

HugaDrax, the OP asked a specific question that they wanted advice on - can we stick to that and avoid the amateur psychology dissection of the OP and their dating habits.

Many thanks.

Wibbs

annongirl wrote: »

Do any women have experience of similar men and can they change?

Forget about him, do you want him to change? Serious question, mad though it may seem. Would you miss the passion, the excitement the intensity? Pain in the bum it may be, but boring it is not. Try and answer that question as honestly as you can and it may help.

Fluorescence

No you can't change him, only he can change himself and he'd have to really really want to be different. It's not up to you to dictate how he leads his life. Better you find someone you're actually compatible with.

Hi OP
if you are not compatible now at this stage of things, why bother going out with him - you are not in a relationship now ("on and off"), and a player is apparently not what you are looking for. It would be better for you to find someone you are more suited to than change someone you're not. He is not the only man out there and convenience shouldn't really dictate your choices in this.

Emme

annongirl wrote: »

I have been seeing this guy on an off for two years. He is now in his 30's, suffers from depression, drinks every day, bit of a player rep, etc. We seem to have really intense flings with him ending it when things actually seem to be going well...then him saying I keep running away from him...which I have now realized is not the case. All our mutual friends think we are perfect together, as do I but I don't know what to do any more. Do any women have experience of similar men and can they change?

Ok, this might get obvious replies back saying..."no" ..but I wanted to get other people's opinions.

I dated somebody like this for 4 years, exactly the same story (drink, depression, blowing hot and cold) only he didn't have a rep as a player. However he was a real charmer and had no shortage of women friends. I gave him every chance but had to end it. My advice is end it now. Guys like that don't change.

LegacyUser

Of course all your replies make total sense. I just don't know what to do at the moment. I want to be there for him even as a friend.We do see each other around, in the area of work we do and same friends...so it is hard.
The moments when we are together kind of do make up for everything else.I do like the passion and intensity of it all.

Emme

annongirl wrote: »

The moments when we are together kind of do make up for everything else.I do like the passion and intensity of it all.

There's no shortage of passion and intensity with guys like this, but that's about all they can guarantee. And it's always on their terms.

My relationship with a guy like this is the reason why I don't consider physical attraction and chemistry to be a necessity for a serious relationship. I had plenty of that for years and got my heart broken countless times. Stay with this guy long enough, OP, and you'll be screaming for somebody nice but dull to chill out with.

Contessa Raven

annongirl wrote: »

He is now in his 30's, suffers from depression, drinks every day, bit of a player rep, etc.

Is this a man you really want to get involved with and waste years on?

I agree with the other posters. He'll continue to string you along for as long you let him. Cut all ties with him. You can't help him to kick his boozing or fix his depression. By staying in contact with him, you'll prevent yourself from moving on and you risk falling back into the same patterns.

CR

aidan24326

annongirl wrote: »

Ok, this might get obvious replies back saying..."no" ..but I wanted to get other people's opinions.

You don't want the 'obvious' replies but unfortunately there is no alternative to the obvious in this case. Can you tame/change a player? No is the simple answer. You can't (I'm sure there are rare exceptions, but rare they would be)

The biggest mistake any girl could make is to think she can change a guy like that. That with a bit of re-shaping he'll be Mr.Perfect. It never works. And you know what? It's totally possible to have the intensity and passion and all of that but actually have a meaningful connection aswell, minus the unnecessary drama. So don't waste your time with this guy. After two years if he was any way serious about you he would have stopped with the silly games.

tinkerbell

If a person is a player, then until they find the right girl - they will not change. I think it would take a lot to change a player, and well if you're still dating him on/off for 2 whole years, you are not the girl who is going to change him. Stop wasting your time on this guy - he's clearly not interested in changing for you.

Taltos

OP - cannot really say it better than the others but here are your options.

1. You end it and leave with dignity and time to find someone else...
or
2. You continue as is - at some point down the road he meets "da wan" and you get left high and dry wondering what happened to the last x-years of your life.

Sorry.

seenitall

^^^^ Riiiiight... and "da wan" will have hit the jackpot I'm sure... :rolleyes:

The heart of the matter is that the OP deserves to be treated better than she is being treated by this man in this relationship, and not that a depressed, alcoholic, disrespectful player will miraculously change when he finds "the right girl" - knowing men like this, it's highly unlikely to happen. Girls may come and go, issues stay. Especially with alcoholism (if I read the OP correctly).

bridal

No is the short answer,once a player always a player. it sounds like you have given it enough chances already. Be honest with yourself , do you want it to always be like this? B with him for a little while only for him to dump u and then BLAME u ! I know its hard and we all love a passionate and intense relationship from time to time but long term this doesnt sound like a very healthy relationship

Good luck with whatever u decide