why do i feel so sad?

sashafierce

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lottpaul

I have known this happen to many people - myself included - at different times, so don't worry - it's not unusual. Sometimes - as you say - it's just the circumstances of a death that we find distressing - the suddenness, "unfairness", the impact and consequences for others etc.
I suppose there are several possible reasons:
1 - just as I said above - it's a human tragedy, distressing in and of itself
2 - it can be our first real encounter with the death of a contemporary and the realisation begins to dawn that none of us are immortal and "what if it had happened to......" etc
3 - it can revive an experience that we experienced as a child when we were too young to realise the full consequences of death

It could also be none of the above but the important thing is to grieve and experience and then move on - valuing all of the lives of the people who are really close to you. If you're still a bit anxious you may like to talk to a helpful professional who may be able to tease out any further worries that you still have.

sashafierce

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flowerchild

sashafierce wrote: »

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You can't sleep some nights, you're always thinking about him, you burst into tears at times, you're upset, you don't think it's valid because you hardly knew them, you're finding it hard to have a normal day, you're mad that this is happening and scared of it happening again.

That's a lot of emotion to be carrying around. No wonder you are crying at times and your sleep has been affected.

What would happen if you just accepted that this is how you feel without also judging yourself? It might help.

Just remember that even if it seems that someone is gone, they are still present in our lives as our memories of them. Accept your feelings. Honour the person that you knew briefly. Honour your loss, for that is what it was/is.

And let go the layer about what other people think. It's no-ones business but yours.

sashafierce

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flowerchild

sashafierce wrote: »

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You feel anger and disbelief at your feelings and you feel confused as to why you feel like this still.

Better to simply notice and accept your feelings. And then think about, gently, what those surprising feelings are about for you.

You didn't know this friend for long. And that is one aspect of your surprise at your reaction. It was a relationship at the beginning, so to speak. That means that you lost possible futures. Why do we get so distressed at the loss of a baby or child? It is the loss of their possibility. Maybe think about that in relation to your situation. Perhaps if you had known them better/longer you would either feel your reaction to be more legitimate, and be able to more easily share it with others, or you would feel more resolved about the ending.

And if you feel so sad in an ongoing way, perhaps your body/mind is saying that you didn't want it to end, not really? Is there any way you can bring their presence/thinking/influence into your life, given that they cannot be with you in a day to day sense, given that they are gone.

Sometimes our feelings tell us what we really want. And what we need to do is to pause, and listen, to ourselves.

flowerchild

I don't know if it is legitimate to share my own experiences, but sometimes it does help, so I will do so.

I had an experience a long time ago, very brief and intense. And then nothing happened for decades. Then I ran into the person again metaphorically. It was again intense, interesting and energising and also confusing. It ended, abruptly, a death.

And like all deaths I felt grief. But my grief was so intense it felt surprising. And like yours it has continued, in this way that is intense and on-going and confusing. It goes up and down in intensity but I am often in tears, sometimes ostensibly about other stuff, but I know inside that it is about that base of grief about this loss.

I too have felt the lack of legitimacy about my loss. What can I say that I have lost? What do/would others think? It complicates my own reaction.

And it feels wrong that I as a moral married woman feel this way. And yet I do.

So you are not alone. I don't know if that helps, but it is true. And I have always felt that truth is important.

flowerchild

Sorry for three posts on the thread. Hope it's OK.

The other side of loss and grief is the upside of being emotional. It can mean that you are more sensitive to others and how they are feeling. Because you can sense the undercurrent.

So there can be an up-side even for dark times.

But the main thing is to just notice and accept, not self-criticise.

sashafierce

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