Am I an antifeminist?

Bride2012

My OH and I are planning on trying to start a family next year as soon as we get married. I'm 28 and have a masters but have decided that if I become pregnant that I would like to move to a less stressful job (if one was available) with the goal of regular hours and down to 3 days a week until the child(ren) are in school as I would really like to be as involved as possible in the early years (can't afford to have one wage so fulltime mom isn't a choice). I know that it all sounds premature to discuss this but it's all what ifs.

I discussed this option with some friends and was shocked at their responses. One went so far as to say that I'm an antifeminist for wanting to take a job that I'd be over qualified because of children! They're all pretty career driven and they didn't understand why I would want to step back from my career for a few years to focus on my children. I thought that feminism was about giving women choices, am I in the wrong?

AckwelFoley

Bride2012 wrote: »

My OH and are planning on trying to start a family next year as soon as we get married. I'm 28 and have a masters but have decided that if I become pregnant that I would like to move to a less stressful job (if one was available) with the goal of regular hours and down to 3 days a week until the child(ren) are in school as I would really like to be as involved as possible in the early years (can't afford to have one wage so fulltime mom isn't a choice). I know that it all sounds premature to discuss this but it's all what ifs.

I discussed this option with some friends and was shocked at their responses. One went so far as to say that I'm an antifeminist for wanting to take a job that I'd be over qualified because of children! They're all pretty career driven and they didn't understand why I would want to step back from my career for a few years to focus on my children. I thought that feminism was about giving women choices, am I in the wrong?

With all due respect, your friends sound like pompus arseholes.

I went out with a girl like that, guess what? Shes miserable now because she suddenly got broody when the ship had sailed.

You do what you want, if children are important to you and you want them i commend you for following YOUR priorities and not those of others

Liam Byrne

Your friends are walking contradictions!

True "feminism" is about being empowered to make your own choices, whatever they may be.

Just because you have different priorities than your so-called "friends" doesn't mean they can dictate which choice you should make.

The feminism movement has suffered a lot of bad rep over the last decade. I know so many girls who will start sentences about women's rights with "I'm not a feminist or anything, but...". Feminism is misinterpreted these days as being feminazism, which is basically saying women are better than men, should shun our second X chromosome in favour of careers, wear powersuits (I don't know what they are) and arm wrestle everyone.

Feminism is having the right to do what you're entitled to irrespective of your gender. It is in NO way anti-feminist to want to take a step down career wise in order to achieve a different goal, whether it be mountain climbing or child rearing. There are many women and men who would like to be stay at home mums and dads but who can't afford to. I think the fact that you would make such a compromise for your prospective children is both sensible, noble, and the sign of someone who knows a good thing when they see it (ie. knowing that if you juggle your career properly you can spend as much time with your kids as possible). It is in my eyes the very definition of feminism that you as a woman are making life choices for yourself. You're friends unfortunately might never get a chance to bond with their children (if they have any) the way you will.

I wonder what they would have said if you were going to take a step back from your career because you wanted to learn to weld or bricklay. Same diff, except I expect that child raising is slightly more fulfilling

cafecolour

Bride2012 wrote: »

I thought that feminism was about giving women choices, am I in the wrong?

It's entirely about giving women choices.

My guess is that your friends aren't really 'feminists' - simply materialists. They can't possibly imagine not valuing whatever gives the most money.

God no you aren't OP - finding a flexible working arrangement seems the ideal solution of work/baby balance to me. Your friends are just silly and they might find themselves wanting to do the same thing themselves sometime!

best of luck

LegacyUser

Minding children *is* a career choice. Just be careful - it only lasts for a few years. Then what?

When my first child was a baby, I was offered a good job. I was in a quandary because we only had a small income. My mother pushed me to take it but all I could think of was who would see my little boy's first smile, who would hear his first word and help him take his first step? I gave into my mother's pressure - and thank God I did! She knew what it was like, having had to give up work herself when she married. It was a rush for about 5 years but I loved and still love my work, I had plenty of time with the children and I was a great role model to them with all I did in my life.

Try to make sure you can go back to a good job when the few years are over and that you haven't been left behind. Life goes on for a long time after those few short years. Is there any way you could go part-time in your current job?

HugoDrax

Your friends are idiots.
Are you supposed to not have children because of what some misanthropic angry woman who is probably unhappy with her life said so in a book?
How does denying your natural heterosexual instincts to have children equate to empowerment?

metrovelvet

You need to stop caring about what other people think about your choices, both friends and strangers on the internet.

Dont let ideolgies get in the way of what you think it best for you and your family.

And stop being dependant on approval.

Ickle Magoo

Bride2012 wrote: »

My OH and I are planning on trying to start a family next year as soon as we get married. I'm 28 and have a masters but have decided that if I become pregnant that I would like to move to a less stressful job (if one was available) with the goal of regular hours and down to 3 days a week until the child(ren) are in school as I would really like to be as involved as possible in the early years (can't afford to have one wage so fulltime mom isn't a choice). I know that it all sounds premature to discuss this but it's all what ifs.

I discussed this option with some friends and was shocked at their responses. One went so far as to say that I'm an antifeminist for wanting to take a job that I'd be over qualified because of children! They're all pretty career driven and they didn't understand why I would want to step back from my career for a few years to focus on my children. I thought that feminism was about giving women choices, am I in the wrong?

I don't think there is a right or wrong - there is only what you are comfortable with and want out of life. You won't be looking back as an old lady one day and kicking yourself for not following the dreams and expectations of other people so ignore what they want or expect.

You'd be surprised how quickly people can change their tune when parenthood actually happens to them. I've known women who vowed to give up work altogether go back to work ASAP and workaholics who vowed never to let motherhood get in the way of work wave goodbye to their career without so much as a backwards glance.

I think it's far too early to be worrying about what if's. Take everything anyone else says with a pinch of salt and nod and smile - if you are most comfortable looking for a balance between motherhood and career then do that, you'll be in plenty of good company.

All the best.

Bride2012

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm of course not going to base any decision on what my friends think, I just wondered if their reaction was common and if they had a point.

SheRa

Even if your friends were right (and I dont think they are is, Feminism is about choices) they were really ignorant to you. I wonder maybe is there a hint of jealousy there?

Anyway either way, whether its planning a wedding, what you call your child, what you feed it, where you educate it, etc people will always express an opinion, whether its appropriate to or not. You are better keeping your plans /ideas to yourself. Like Ickle Magoo said, just nod and smile, and do whatever you and your hubbie wanted to do in the first place.

irishh_bob

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Your friends are walking contradictions!

True "feminism" is about being empowered to make your own choices, whatever they may be.

Just because you have different priorities than your so-called "friends" doesn't mean they can dictate which choice you should make.

true feminism is about making descisions which have the aprooval of the sisterhood senior council , we saw this a number of years back when arch liberal and hardcore feminist mary robinson poured scorn on women who choose to become stay at home mums , feminism like many idealogys is deeply authoritarian and intollerant

Morag

Feminism is about choices and no one should tell you your choice is invalid.
You will be rearing your children and instilling important values in them as you do that.
I've been a stay at home Mam for 10 years and you bet that I am still a feminist and work
hand on rearing my kids in way which doesn't limit them due to their gender.

Firetrap

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You'd be surprised how quickly people can change their tune when parenthood actually happens to them. I've known women who vowed to give up work altogether go back to work ASAP and workaholics who vowed never to let motherhood get in the way of work wave goodbye to their career without so much as a backwards glance.

Same here and on occasions I've been surprised at who chose which.

I'd suggest you go back to your old job after you have your kid and then make a decision. You'll know what's right when it happens. It's all theoretical now. Oh and don't mind what your friends say. You could find some of them changing their minds if they ever have kids.

Ickle Magoo

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Many thanks

Scanlas The 2nd

Bride2012 wrote: »

My OH and I are planning on trying to start a family next year as soon as we get married. I'm 28 and have a masters but have decided that if I become pregnant that I would like to move to a less stressful job (if one was available) with the goal of regular hours and down to 3 days a week until the child(ren) are in school as I would really like to be as involved as possible in the early years (can't afford to have one wage so fulltime mom isn't a choice). I know that it all sounds premature to discuss this but it's all what ifs.

I discussed this option with some friends and was shocked at their responses. One went so far as to say that I'm an antifeminist for wanting to take a job that I'd be over qualified because of children! They're all pretty career driven and they didn't understand why I would want to step back from my career for a few years to focus on my children. I thought that feminism was about giving women choices, am I in the wrong?

If I were you I'd be more concerned as why I wasn't living life by my own rules and not some rubbish you read in a magazine or your friends tell you. Do what ever makes YOU happy. Tell your friends to waddle on.

Bride2012

Again, I will not be making any decision based on my friends, I was just curious about whether this was a common reaction to get.

HoneyRyder

I think being a Mummy will be the most important job I'll ever do. In many ways, I would appear to be a consummate career woman and after years of studying hard in university, my career is very important to me and I get the most immense enjoyment from what I do

I realise it might be unpopular to say this but I think a woman still has a very valuable place in the home as a wife and mother. Despite loving my career, I will always love the people in my life more and that's why I will happily give it up to raise my little children when the time comes.

Dudess

Your friends are full of crap - nothing fair or right about what they say at all. Don't think they even know what they're talking about. What you're planning is very sensible - I personally think the "primary" carer (I know it can be either parent but it's usually the mother) working part-time is ideal (of course in some cases the primary carer has to work full-time, but when it can be avoided, in my opinion, the child or children should come first). Obviously money is usually the main priority, but most mothers enjoy being able to get out of the house a few times a week - as it can be quite isolating to be at home all the time. But I definitely think the child(ren) should be the main focus - it's nothing to do with feminism or whatever, it's just prioritising the child(ren)'s welfare.

If your children are going to spend most of their pre-school years being raised by a childminder/nanny/au pair/grandparent... well, unless there's no other option (but in a two-parent family I can't see how there wouldn't be) I can't see anything good about that at all - for the children or the parents.

Emme

Feminism is about making your own choices whether you want to be a senior partner in a law firm working 18 hours a day, a mother working full-time in the home or anything in between. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

axel rose

I'm going to go against the grain here but purely for my own personal reasons......Speaking as a woman who has been forced to step away from my job to look after my son, I am so annoyed that I spent 6 years in college to be trapped in my house. I love my son but my sons bowel movements should not be the highlight of my day.

I am ashamed to say that I don't work (at the moment), particularly as I took up valuable and much sought places in colleges to do them. Its nothing to do with feminism IMO.


Why let someone miss out on a masters/ degree course that could have used it? Thank God its a free country and you are free to do whatever floats your boat.

miec

Hi Op

I don't believe your friends viewpoint is that common, although I could be wrong, but at the same time there can be the 'mammy brigade' as well, women who disparage another woman going to work, like what many of the other posters have said, feminism is about choice. I also believe that your approach is incredibly practical.

Prior to having my son, many years ago now, I was starting to build up my career, when he was born it took a back step because 1) I wanted to spend more time with him (I had to work part time) and 2) I didn't want the stress of a very hectic job and parenting because believe me parenting is the toughest job in my opinion. Now that my child is a teenager my career is now getting back on track, I don't plan to have anymore children at this stage and besides soon mother nature will take care of that and I feel I have had the best of both worlds, parenting and now I can really forge ahead with my career.

prinz

Bride2012 wrote: »

I just wondered if their reaction was common and if they had a point.

Yeah, truth be told it's a very common reaction, my wife would be in the same boat and some of things she has said to her have been downright horrible which is ironic because she is better educated and heading for a better career than most of the people who turn their noses up at her choice. Some people value themselves as a woman and more importantly a human, others as an economic unit...and no they don't have a point. That said I'd love to be the stay at home parent and that gets just as negative a reaction from a lot of people. It's a pathetic side to our modern society that parenthood (mother and father) in general is often seen as a chore, something to be done to get out of the way, something that gets in the way of work/holidays/new techy gadgets etc.

axel rose wrote: »

I am ashamed to say that I don't work (at the moment), particularly as I took up valuable and much sought places in colleges to do them. Its nothing to do with feminism IMO. Why let someone miss out on a masters/ degree course that could have used it?

There is more to education than whatever job you end up in for crying out loud. What a load of nonsense.

Neyite

Bride, a few years ago, A few years ago I purposely chose a qualification to study soley on the merit that it complimented what I do already, but would offer the oppertunity to work from home, or part time if need be. I did this because myself and my partner had decided to start a family in the next couple of years, and I wanted the freedom to choose to stay at home part time if I wanted to.

I dont even see it as a feminist issue really - I was lucky enough to have my parents at home during my childhood when I came home from school, and I loved that aspect of my childhood, I dont think that me or my partner can offer our future children this luxury, but one parent at home when you get in from school would be what we would aspire to as a couple.

Dudess

No I can see somewhat where axel rose is coming from - I don't think she mentioned anyway the job she got out of her qualifications, just that she'd like to be out doing some work as well as being a mum (she didn't say she would like to be in full-time employment). And the fact she has those qualifications makes it all the more difficult to come to terms with the fact that she has to be at home all the time. That's what I took from it anyway - sorry if I'm wrong A.R.

I think a mother (if the primary carer) should, if she can, prioritise her child(ren) but I don't think there's anything wrong with her wanting to be able to get out of the house e.g. two or three mornings a week. And doing any work at all - not necessarily something high-powered or well paid or related to what she studied if she studied. Many mothers find it lonely and boring stuck at home all day when the children are very young (it's not anything to do with wearing feminist credentials on their sleeves) - and nowadays, if you're under 30 and a parent, you're in the minority among your peers. My cousin said she imagined a morning of yummy mummy coffee meets etc, but the reality ain't like that...

axel rose

Morning dudess, yes I think you understand where I am coming from (and my bias in the OPs situation). I had/have a great job in social care area. Loved it. As I always worked from I was a kid I never even considered staying at home. Anyway the two (career and parenthood) aren't mutually exclusive.

Long long story cut short I found myself alone with my baby and unable to work the unsocial hours my job entails. I hate being stuck at home. My ability to converse with adults is shot, I am frustrated that I am in a situation that is out of my control. I hate being asked 'what do you do?' ......I scratch my arse at home actually.

I hate that despite the fact that I don't have a financial need to work, my son does not see money being 'earned'. I think I have a responsibility to teach him a work ethic. I have a career that I worked hard for and see it just thrown away.

Op I truly hope you never find yourself in my personal situation but full time parenting is anything but cupcakes and woodland walks, its lonely and frustrating and boringly repetitive a lot of the time.

I know that we are different people and whatever you do is of your own choosing but I just wanted to highlight the other side of the coin.

Good luck

(I may sound like I don't love my son- I do-lots )

Dudess

It most certainly does not seem like you don't love your son - loving parents still cherish a break in the parenting routine, no doubt makes them appreciate their little ones all the more.

Logical Fallacy

Bride2012 wrote: »

My OH and I are planning on trying to start a family next year as soon as we get married. I'm 28 and have a masters but have decided that if I become pregnant that I would like to move to a less stressful job (if one was available) with the goal of regular hours and down to 3 days a week until the child(ren) are in school as I would really like to be as involved as possible in the early years (can't afford to have one wage so fulltime mom isn't a choice). I know that it all sounds premature to discuss this but it's all what ifs.

I discussed this option with some friends and was shocked at their responses. One went so far as to say that I'm an antifeminist for wanting to take a job that I'd be over qualified because of children! They're all pretty career driven and they didn't understand why I would want to step back from my career for a few years to focus on my children. I thought that feminism was about giving women choices, am I in the wrong?

Just do what you feel is best for you and your family, anyone who is expecting you to live up to their ideals is a moron.

LegacyUser

Perhaps your friends were thinking of it in terms of you and your partner. You're making a big sacrafice here that it doesn't sound like your OH has to make- is that because you're the woman or because it's the practical option for your family? I'm assuming from your post it's the latter, which obviously isn't a problem- but maybe your friends misinterpreted.

sunnymoon

Hi OP,
I completely understand what this is like, my friends are all career driven and a family couldn't be further from their minds, but for me it's a serious priority, I think women today feel that fertility will last forever and they just don't prioritise it over their career. I'm 27 so perhaps it's something to do with our age group and being well educated. People now think it's a waste to abandon your qualifications (all be it just for a few years) to raise a family.
I do think among our age group it is a very common opinion, well it is a among my group of friends anyways, just because it's common doesn't make it right.
Best of luck