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GF on dating website

  • 16-04-2011 6:57pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Long story short - Gf and I have been doing long distance for 2 years. She recently tried coming over here to Ireland for the year (she's American) and she lasted 4 months, which were awful for her. She came off some pretty heavey prescription drugs when she arrived which threw her into a depression.
    So she left to go back last month. Now I finally said I wanted to go over there for the year and try make it work. But she is so emotionally scarred by the experience over her that she feels like she needs a break. She says we are still bf and gf and she loves me etc etc she just needs space to find out what she wants. This has been very hard for me to hear as I feel like I've been there for her and put myself out there by saying I want to go over there - and now I just have to wait for her answer. Am I being too selfish by not wanting this break. I'd rather talk to her about what we are going to do in the future rather then run away.
    Now to add to it - I logged into her facebook as my alcoholic father was emailing her and I wanted to see what he had written. No excuses here, I should not be looking at her private msgs but I did. She was chatting to a friend of hers who said she goes on this dating site every now and again just to flirt with guys - its a sleazy site btw! And that she should join! Turns out she did join it - I felt betrayed to be honest. Now she has only put up height, weight eyes etc and not too much personal stuff. But am I wrong to be worried? Perhaps she is just making an account to have a laugh. But what if she is flirting away with guys in her area. I don't really know what to think.
    I called her earlier explaining most of the times people go on breaks is cos one of the people in the relationship have a wandering eye or have someone else lined up that they want to test the waters with. She said that this was not the case at all - far from it. She loves me more then I know etc and she sounded genuine enough. I just don't know how to handle this.
    Should I tell her I know/Should I let her continue but log into the site to see what she's doing or should I just let her be. I'm beyond confused right now.


Comments

  • #2
    bridal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 32 ✭bridal


    I would defo phone her up and confront her, why waste time wondering why she is on a dating site when she is supposedly in a relationship with you but wanting to sort her head out. Tell her that your dad asked u to log in to check something for him, tell her anything just try to get the truth from her so you wont be wasting any longer than needs be on her. Sorry to be harsh, there may be a simple explaination but you need to know either way


  • #3
    HugoDrax
    Closed Accounts Posts: 139 ✭✭HugoDrax


    She's obviously lonely and wants a man in her life.
    She is over there and you are over here.
    You are not on a dating site yourself but you must find yourself checking out women when you are out and about don't you?
    You are being unrealistic if a girl is not going to be tempted by other men when you are thousands of miles away.


  • #4
    Virgil°
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,466 ✭✭✭Virgil°


    HugoDrax wrote: »
    She's obviously lonely and wants a man in her life.
    She is over there and you are over here.
    You are not on a dating site yourself but you must find yourself checking out women when you are out and about don't you?
    You are being unrealistic if a girl is not going to be tempted by other men when you are thousands of miles away.

    Theres a very large appreciable difference between giving an attractive person a second glance on the street and signing up to a dating site to flirt and whatever else shes intending.

    Honestly the space thing sounds like a prelude to breaking up. Shes joined this dating site to see if the grass is greener and if it isn't then shes got you hanging about on the sidelines.
    But you know the girl best OP. Imagine describing the situation to a friend.his girlfriend wants "space" and then immediately joins a dating site. What would your advice be?


  • #5
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Jeepers OP, sounds like a whole load of hassle rather than a worthwhile relationship tbh.

    If being near her boyfriend can leave her so emotionally scarred that a visit from you is out the question then I'm slightly sceptical as to how and why chatting up/being chatted up by random men is not an issue.

    Long distance relationships take a lot of work and a not inconsiderable amount of self-control and commitment to maintain - most of all, there must be a long-term plan when a more day-to-day relationship can be had. I think you should ask for her long term plans regarding where you are going as a matter of urgency because you sound more like an ego-boosting pen-friend than boyfriend at the moment, don't let her fob you off.

    All the best.


  • #6
    Fentdog84
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 936 ✭✭✭Fentdog84


    OP the outlook dosent look great. She came over here, tried it, it didnt work out. For you to go over there would be a massive gamble, unless you want to live there anyway. She could leave you hanging out to dry when you get over there. She sounds kind of unstable TBH. I'd break up with her.


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  • #7
    Console
    Closed Accounts Posts: 262 ✭✭Console


    Op, Im sorry. I can only be direct and very blunt here.
    Whattodofacebook wrote: »
    that she feels like she needs a break. She says we are still bf and gf and she loves me etc etc she just needs space to find out what she wants.

    A break for what? ... to see if she wants a relationship? to see if she wants to be with you? .. you've been fed one big BS line there.
    Whattodofacebook wrote: »
    But what if she is flirting away with guys in her area. I don't really know what to think

    You know what to think. You're so called "girlfriend" is on a site flirting with other guys. Simple fact is that just because she dont have pics up, dont mean jack. Shes on the site. You got inside info by reading that mail to her friend about whats really going on in her head.
    Whattodofacebook wrote: »
    Should I tell her I know/Should I let her continue but log into the site to see what she's doing or should I just let her be. I'm beyond confused right now.
    Im sorry man, but you're being played. Weather its just who she is or a side-effect of going long distance is irrelevant. What you think you have isnt what you really have.

    You hinted about being on a break is sometimes people having the eye for other people... in reality you were testing her. she failed. She fed you BS.
    Seriously what do you think will happen here? if you say you read the mail - she'll act all hurt. you'll be the bad guy. Nice conscience clean finish for her. If you dont mention anything expect a big "things are not working out between us" down the line while in reality she would have met another bloke.

    Mate. end this. we dont eat crap only to lie and say "hmmm thats nice" ... this is all about self-respect here.


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