Missing my Daddy

LegacyUser

So, my dad passed away just over three weeks ago from a massive brain haemorrhage. It was easily the single most catastrophic shock I have ever had. I sat in the hospital holding his hand the entire time, and even though the doctors told us there was absolutely no hope, I still held on to the fact that he survived one 18 years previously, when I was just 5 years old. I never saw him look so sick, and every time I close my eyes, I can see how awful he looked, how off his head looked from the swelling and caving, and the massive bruises from the burst vessels. When they turned off that machine and his chest stopped moving, I really thought my heart would stop. I went through a phase of feeling nothing from the time of the wake. I barely shed a tear at the funeral, and hated myself for it. He never really looked like daddy since he died. In the past week or so, all the feelings have come back, and I've been doing everything in my power to keep it from my boyfriend, friends and family. Everyone keeps telling me that I should consider the 18 years a blessing, that some higher power saw fit to let us keep him a while longer, but now all I can think is that it was the single most cruel thing God could do if he planned on taking my daddy away from me anyway. Every time I see someone with their dad, like my boyfriend, or I hear my best friend complain about how her dad is a drunk, I just feel like falling to the floor and curling into a ball. I just can't understand why this would happen to such an honest, good man, who did nothing but give. I'm just about to start my final exams for first year in college, and I know I have to do well, or I'll feel like I let him down. But being around people makes me terrified they might say or do something that will set me off. I've broken down a few times, always on my own, because I'm afraid if the people close to me see it happen, they'll all start pussy-footing around me, which I know will make it worse. As always, the dreaded question "Are you okay?" is usually responsible for me having to excuse myself. People are telling me it will always hurt, but things get better. But all I can think is that they had their daddy there when they graduated from college, or to walk them down the aisle or to hold their hand when they had their first baby. When I think that I'll never have him for any of these things, it rips me apart. I know, religiously, he's always going to be there in "spirit", but I'm having a very hard time believing that right now. I guess I'm just looking to talk to someone I don't know, maybe someone can share an experience, give me some advice. I'm moving into my own apartment in scant over four weeks and I'd really like to have a better grip on reality before I start living alone.

metrovelvet

It's still so new and raw and yes you are young to lose your father. You have 18 years of memories to draw on. Some have only a few or maybe none.

You will always miss him and you will feel it at the milestones the worst. My dad died thirteen years ago, and I feel it most when I look my son who he never got to meet, and I know he would have loved through and through. I cant give more than 20 seconds to thinking about about before the tears start. This part never gets easier, its an ongoing process of acceptance in each stage of your life.

Im very sorry for you loss. Live gives and takes away, and knows no justice, just forces us to accept things, to accept that we are on loan to each other and theres nothing we can do about that, but appreciate it while we have it.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

It's still so new and raw and yes you are young to lose your father. You have 18 years of memories to draw on. Some have only a few or maybe none.

You will always miss him and you will feel it at the milestones the worst. My dad died thirteen years ago, and I feel it most when I look my son who he never got to meet, and I know he would have loved through and through. I cant give more than 20 seconds to thinking about about before the tears start. This part never gets easier, its an ongoing process of acceptance in each stage of your life.

Im very sorry for you loss. Live gives and takes away, and knows no justice, just forces us to accept things, to accept that we are on loan to each other and theres nothing we can do about that, but appreciate it while we have it.

Thanks for that, I understand a lot of what you say. I feel it a lot when I'm home to visit and see my dog. My dad convinced my mum to let me have him for my 17th birthday, and the poor thing is lifeless compared to his old self before dad died. I'm also the same as far as thinking about him goes. I can talk about stuff he said, stuff he did, picture him in my head, but any more than 15 or so seconds and it turns from a happy memory to heart-wrenching sadness. That's the hardest part, knowing I can't smile when I think of my daddy.

Zen65

Evervescence wrote: »

I went through a phase of feeling nothing from the time of the wake. I barely shed a tear at the funeral, and hated myself for it. He never really looked like daddy since he died. In the past week or so, all the feelings have come back, and I've been doing everything in my power to keep it from my boyfriend, friends and family.

Hi Evervescence,

My sympathies are with you for your loss. I do understand only too well how these feelings affect you. It is very common at a time of great grief to believe that you have not lived up to the expected behaviour of a grieving person, because you have had periods of time when some other thought about the event has appeared to take precedence over your sense of loss.

Perhaps you feel that way because you are troubled by the change in your father's appearance in the time immediately before he died, or by the unfairness of his departure?

But grief is not measured by the volume of tears, nor the duration of the sense of disabling loss. Grief is a very personal thing, and it affects each of us differently. Circumstances can dictate that we must put our grief aside around the time of death, because there are arrangements to be made, things to be done, jobs to be maintained, exams needing to be sat, other family members needing our support.

I lost my own father before my 13th birthday, and it took months before I could express my grief fully, to myself or to others. But in its own time the grief comes out and when it does, it is replaced by a more measured feeling of loss, an occasional pang when an expected voice does not speak to you to congratulate you at key moments in your life. Sometimes, like you I experienced pain at the thought that my future kids would never know their grandfather, nor he them.

These feelings do diminish in frequency and in depth. The pain is replaced by a curious amusement at how both his and your lives have unfolded. Sometimes I have been genuinely grateful that my father was dead some decades before my mother's health declined and she too passed away, because he would not have coped easily with it, such was his dependence on her both emotionally and domestically.

In the coming weeks and months the sudden, spurious feelings of almost-paralysing grief will loosen their grip on you. They will be replaced by increasingly clear memories of the good times you shared with your father in the past 23 years, and the sense of unfairness you feel now will give way to a gratitude that you have these memories to carry with you, memories that were almost denied you 18 years ago.

I strongly suggest you do not hide these feelings from your boyfriend. There is nothing he can do for you except give you the time and space to allow this grief out, and to express and show his love and support for you, which will help the grief to leave your heart like the air bubbling up through a water cooler ensures the water exits smoothly.

Life is neither fair nor unfair. Your father had the love of his family for 18 years more than may have been the case after the first haemorrhage, and I have no doubt that his gratitude for that extension grew daily, whether he chose to express it or not. He saw you mature from a helpless 5-year old to a strong woman who has the skills and strength to live a life with his memory instead of his physical presence, and it is only when you have children of your own that you will realise the immense sense of fulfilment which this brings to a parent. As his daughter you see his loss as an unfair tragedy, but as a parent he will have viewed his life and yours as a gift of immeasurable worth to him.

I'm sure that his dearest wish was that after his own death you would be able to celebrate his life with you, rather than forever mourn his passing. He knows you still need the time to mourn, but this time will leave you in the coming weeks and you will be surprised at the strength you will find to be able to continue living your own life to its fullest and become a pillar of strength to the rest of your family,as they will be for you.

Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

Z,

That is probably the most beautiful thing I have ever read. I'm going to print that and put it somewhere safe, because it made me feel so warm inside. Thank you, so much.

Kablamo!

My father died in August 2009.
It took I'd say, over a year, for me to reach the realization that it wasn't some kind of awful joke- that my Dad was never coming home, that I'd never see him, or hear his voice again.
Whilst I thought I was coping admirably, with the benefit of hindsight I was just numb, and clearly in some form of denial.

I too remember how my father looked after he'd died. Sometimes, it still flashes, so clearly, into my head... You will get better at selectively replacing these images with better ones.
I remember trying unsuccessfully to perform CPR. I remember looking out the front door and seeing the paramedics working on him on our driveway. I'm typing this sitting on the couch, where he died. As such, sometimes these images can hit me with such astounding force they knock the air out of me, but I'm learning not to let them have that power over me anymore.
When he was laid out, he didn't look like himself. Much to the bemusement of the (lovely) staff at Massey's, I went to the shop and bought a razor and comb and tried to make him look better, more like himself.
I got more and more frustrated, as my father was very vain, and always took pride in his appearance, but then after a while I sat down and giggled.
It was just his body, what made Dad Dad had long since flown, and this body had served my father very well. He'd lived a long(-ish) colourful and joyous life, he had loved, he was loved, and if I thought he looked old, so what! Dad was probably looking down laughing at me getting so worried about those things.
Why waste my time thinking about these when I can remember running up and down the road throwing water balloons at our neighbours, or sitting on his shoulders in the zoo?

I turned 21 a month after he died, and at the party I asked the assembled room to raise a toast to him.
If I ever get married, I plan on walking myself down the aisle, because in my eyes, no man could ever replace my Daddy.
If I ever have kids, I feel sorry for them already, because they'll be subjected to dozens of photograph albums and rambling, incoherent stories about days gone by.

I can honestly say I'm only starting to grieve properly now. Sometimes I'm okay, and other times I'll be driving down the road and just burst into tears.
Whilst this isn't exactly helping, or advice, I hope it illustrates to you that everyone is different.

I am the first in my group to lose a parent, and I also get 'the rage' when my friends casually say "Oh, my Dad is SO annoying! Do you know what he did today? Dropped the milk on the floor!"- I sit there thinking Dad could come back, if only for an hour and break everything in the house, just so I could see him again.
They DON'T mean to upset you- they just don't know where you're coming from. Once or twice, I said something sarky in response, "Yeah, be better if he just died, wouldn't it!", which, whilst having the effect of shutting them up, made them feel guilty for behaving normally, and I don't want people tip-toeing around me.
Another problem I have is I was always a Daddy's girl, and my father was a big character. So, once a day, at least, something will come up that I can say, "Oh, remember when Dad done xyz?". This intimidates some of my friends, but my good friends are happy enough to let me prattle on at length.

I am constantly aware of the fact that my Dad is dead. It is a part of my life, a massive, defining part, but honestly I am coming to realise that I am happy for the 20 years of lovely memories I have of him. Here's an old hebrew proverb that kinda sums up what I'm trying to get across-
"Say not in grief "He is no more' but live in thankfulness that he was".


Sorry for the general incoherence of this post, but I hope you can take something from it- you are not alone. Your father will always be a part of your life in some form, and your friends and family will try their best to help you.

If you are any bit religious, this is a poem I find comforting:

I am standing on the sea shore,
A ship sails in the morning breeze and starts for the ocean.
She is an object of beauty and I stand watching her
Till at last she fades on the horizon and someone at my side says:
"She is gone."

Gone! Where?
Gone from my sight - that is all.
She is just as large in the masts, hull and spars as she was when I saw her
And just as able to bear her load of living freight to its destination.
The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me,
not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
"She is gone",
There are others who are watching her coming, and other voices take up a glad shout:
"There she comes"
- and that is dying. An horizon and just the limit of our sight.
Lift us up, Oh Lord, that we may see further.

My Mum died of cancer when I was 23, she had been ill for a while and we were told three weeks prior to her passing that there was about 3 weeks left. We were able to say our goodbyes which was a great help, like you we were there as she passed away. A huge part of me died with her and I never quite got my head around it, Mum passing away certainly didn't do me any good aside from realising how fecked I'd be without Dad. I'm 30 now and most of my friends still have both of their parent, some lads I know in their 60s still have their Mums! I remember the months after she passed away being in shopping centres and being really jealous of little kids there with their Mums, it sounds silly. I was finished college etc so had no exams to content with and was working in a large company so had no worries in that regard either.

When I did my finals in college everything was hunky dorey in my life and it was still a very stressful time. Exam time is awful for most people so don't let the exam anxiety get to you more than it should.

I wouldn't be bottling this up from your friends, boyfriend or family, let it out.

LegacyUser

It's definetely not getting any easier. But then I knew it wouldn't. Every single night, as soon as it's dark and I'm on my own, I remember everything. I've had to move home for Easter, my sister's birthday and Dad's mass, and being in the house has really made me realise how much I miss him. His stuff is everywhere, all his CDs, his clothes. I can't even make a cup of tea without having to stop myself from shouting to see if he wants one as well. I miss the tobacco and papers on the kitchen table, the radio being on even though mum hated that station and the way my dog went bonkers when "granda" came home for the evening.
Every chance mum gets, she's forcing memories on me. She hasn't done this since he died, she hasn't spoken to so-and-so since he died, she hasn't felt up to it since he died. They were seperated for 8 years, and she did nothing but put him down to us - he's an alcoholic, he won't give me money, he only comes to see you all when he wants something. I just find myself getting so angry at her being such a hypocrite. But I know she's trying to goad me into snapping - I've been trying to hold it together for my little sister's sake (she's only 15 and helped rub Deep Heat into his sore neck the day he died, because he thought it was muscular). I've always had it tough with mum, and it was always dad who stood up for me. I feel so alone in this house.

I feel guilty talking about him to my best friend - her dad left them when she was 4, and he's never made any time for her. I can practically see her eyes screaming "At least you had a father!!" every time I bring it up, accidentally or otherwise. My boyfriend never got along with my family, although he didn't actually know my dad, and I can feel him trying to distance himself and change the subject every time I mention it.

greengiant09

hey op,

this whole event is still relatively fresh.....it's going to take a long time before you can move on with your life. it's perfectly normal to feel the way you do now so don't be so harsh on yourself. if anything, you wouldn't be human if you could move on straight away.

i can relate with a lot of what your saying. i do think though that it is important that in time you concentrate on the good times you had with your dad and not on his death. you are blessed for having someone like this in your life, who was able to generate the feelings that you have now. this is a good thing. despite his death, i'm sure there is a lot of him in you. i'm sure he shaped the person that you are today. remember that, he lives on through you.

if you're still finding it difficult to cope in the future, i'd consider talking to someone, maybe a professional. but remember, it's going to take time to move on and thats perfectly normal.

Truley

Hi OP my father died suddenly just over a week ago and I can really relate to how you're feeling. From the moment I got the news and the subsequent week, removal/funeral/family visits etc I didn't shead a single tear. I felt numb and it was scary because I often cry easily and began to wonder if there was something wrong with me, if I was cold or didn't care. It's only in the last two days that the reality of the situation has begun to hit me and I've become extremely teary and depressed. I'm also beginning to miss him terribly, I can see his face, smell him and hear his voice clearly where I couldn't before.

I don't think the full extent of the grief has hit me, it seems to come in waves. Certain things trigger it, for example seeing his text messages in my phone. Two days ago I spent about five minutes going around my mother's house looking for him before it dawned on me and I remembered what happened, that was a huge shock

Yesterday was my first 'normal' day following the chaos of the funeral and family stuff. It was a beautiful afternoon and walking through the street, seeing everyone happy and enjoying themselves I felt an overwhelming feeling of anger and bitterness. I met a friend who started giving out about her dad and I couldn't help thinking how unfair it was that all these people have dads - so why don't I? Why is this happening to me?

Everytime I will hear a nice song, a funny joke, a youtube video that I would like to show dad, I'm going to realise I'll never get to show him and that makes me so sad. I wonder will that feeling ever go away?

Sorry this post is a bit rambling, I'm very upset writing it. I can't offer anything by way of advice OP because I'm still trying to figure it out myself. All I can say is I understand what you're going through.

a stitch in time

Hi Guys,

Im really sorry for your losses. It's two years on since I lost my dad and it's safe to say that life wont ever be the same again. The first year I lost my dad was a complete blur when I look back, I got through it but not sure where my head was half the time, I actually remember so little of it.

Words can't describe how much I still miss him and there are fleeting moments when I forget he's gone and then the reality hits me like a tonne of bricks again. Often I see men that resemble him and the pain in that is horrendous too. We had a great relationship and I hate the fact that il never get to spoil him in his retirement the way I had hoped and that he will never get to give me away, meet my children etc. Mum is a shell of who she was, they should have had so many more years together.

The grief hasnt left me yet and I dont think it ever will but you will find it easier to control it as time goes on. I try to adapt the attitude that this is life, every person we know will have to endure the pain of losing loved ones (and unfortunately often before their time) and realistically who knows how long us ourselves will be here? Life is precious and we should try and make the most of it. Keep busy and surround yourself with good, positive people. There might not be any harm in seeing a councillor, I find many friends get uncomfortable when I bring it up and also many of them expect you to be 'over it' after 2 or 3 months (obviously they are the ones that havnt gone through it themselves).

OP and Truley, it is so raw for you both right now,just remember that you aren't alone and so many people are going through bereavements. I think everyone finds different ways to cope. I wish you and all of the other posters the best.x

ahal

Hi OP,

Sorry for your loss. What a strange coincidence that I happened to be trawling boards and thinking of my own father - 11 months on today, similar circumstances. I don't usually do advice, but if I was to I think the one thing I would say is recognise your grief, and give it time / space.

There's no such thing as 'letting down' you father regarding exams. Obviously grief affects different people different ways ... and lack of concentration can certainly be one. I felt the same myself: threw myself into study (that bit I would recommend) but completely screwed up the exams because my concentration was out the window.

I wouldn't worry too much about not being emotional at the funeral. It's pretty normal. I wasn't either: there's so much to do and hands to shake and the rest of it ... it doesn't mean the grief is one bit less. The anniversaries can be difficult (one month etc.) ... my way of coping was to take photos. Strange as it may sound, I've been doing it every month for 11 months. Gradually grief has given way to being able to lament the good times.

Keeping busy worked for me, but again it's an individual thing. I have to say I didn't like people (well meaning as they were) coming out with lines like "It must have been a relief when he went" (no, it was a nightmare!) or the one you cited, about the "being grateful for having had him for x years". I found that one borderline insulting in fact ... quite arrogant. That is again to assume everyone is the same as the person saying it, but it's certainly not suited to someone still raw with grief imho.

The only thing I can say, 11 months to the day on, is that it does get better with time. You never "get over it", rather you learn to live with it. There's always the guilt aspect ... but you know what, no one gets it right all the time. Life is imperfect. By the sound of it you were there for him throughout which is not easy for anyone. You did your best. It will get better with time.

Take care. Remember it will get better.

ShaShaBear

ahal wrote: »

Hi OP,

Sorry for your loss. What a strange coincidence that I happened to be trawling boards and thinking of my own father - 11 months on today, similar circumstances. I don't usually do advice, but if I was to I think the one thing I would say is recognise your grief, and give it time / space.

There's no such thing as 'letting down' you father regarding exams. Obviously grief affects different people different ways ... and lack of concentration can certainly be one. I felt the same myself: threw myself into study (that bit I would recommend) but completely screwed up the exams because my concentration was out the window.

I wouldn't worry too much about not being emotional at the funeral. It's pretty normal. I wasn't either: there's so much to do and hands to shake and the rest of it ... it doesn't mean the grief is one bit less. The anniversaries can be difficult (one month etc.) ... my way of coping was to take photos. Strange as it may sound, I've been doing it every month for 11 months. Gradually grief has given way to being able to lament the good times.

Keeping busy worked for me, but again it's an individual thing. I have to say I didn't like people (well meaning as they were) coming out with lines like "It must have been a relief when he went" (no, it was a nightmare!) or the one you cited, about the "being grateful for having had him for x years". I found that one borderline insulting in fact ... quite arrogant. That is again to assume everyone is the same as the person saying it, but it's certainly not suited to someone still raw with grief imho.

The only thing I can say, 11 months to the day on, is that it does get better with time. You never "get over it", rather you learn to live with it. There's always the guilt aspect ... but you know what, no one gets it right all the time. Life is imperfect. By the sound of it you were there for him throughout which is not easy for anyone. You did your best. It will get better with time.

Take care. Remember it will get better.

I definetely get that. Ive been getting a lot of "He must have been sick" (No!) and "Well at least he didn't suffer" (I won't give graphic detail here, but by all reckoning, the last 2 minutes of awareness before his brain shut down were easily the most painful he ever experienced) and, like I said "You should be greatful you got those extra 18 years with him". That one stings the most, since I'm well aware that if he had died when I was 5, I wouldn't have all of the memories I have now (I also wouldn't have my sister), but I certainly wouldn't be dealing with the immense pain I am right now.
Since I've moved home for the holidays, it's becoming very real. I've always associated coming home with seeing my dad, 5PM every evening he'd come over. It's getting very raw come that time, when I know he's not coming. I feel so guilty over the silliest of things, like asking him for a loan of 50 quid for a college book when I knew it was for a gym membership (probably not the average student reason for lying to a parent as to why they want money, but still) or when I huffed so much about how slow my rig was that he bought me a new quad core and told me I could pay him back whenever. He promised to help me get set up in my new flat - mount my TV, set up my cable tidys, do some repainting and such - I just know now that moving (which I always have done with help from my dad, and always sincerely enjoyed) is going to be really painful and hard to deal with.
Finding all the old Father's Day cards in a tin in his house that I've been making myself for the past 23 years made me want to die, really. To think that he kept every last one, even one I "drew" at 7 months old, makes me realise how special he was to me, and not getting to see him smile at how the card this year has progressed yet again to higher levels of terrible humour breaks my heart.
I went to the grave and noticed that the soil was starting to cave. I got so angry, brushing it all around with my hand until it was perfect and the wet, dark soil was back to the top. Then I saw the split in the wooden cross from the heat and I got so angry. Dad was a carpenter by trade, and I just thought he'd be disgusted by the cross. Everything he made was perfect, and something like split wood would have been below him.
But I really think, above all else, what breaks my heart the most is that he'll never see his grandchildren. Dad always said he couldn't wait to see the kids I raised, he knew they'd be very special. He'll never meet them. And it hurts almost as much to know that they'll never meet him.

Rubberlegs

Hi OP and all

I lost my Dad to a short and very unexpected illness 6 months ago. He was a great Dad, always there. The first 3 months were completely horrendous. I thought about him contantly, the image of him wasted away in a hospital bed, and the image of him dying as I held his hand, never left me. I would wake several times a night with a jump and it would hit me like a kick in the stomach, that he was gone. All I wanted to do was crawl back into bed every night and draw a line under the day. I went to 9 counselling sessions, and found this a huge help, maybe this could help you OP? I found it a huge relief to get everything off my chest, and didn't have to worry that I was upsetting anyone. If I could see my Mum or sister were having an OK day, I never wanted to ruin it for them if I was having a bad day. I find my head is a lot straighter now, I can see that it would have been no life for Dad if he'd stayed alive any longer, his dignity and independence were gone in a matter of weeks from diagnosis. I know I'm not long from losing my Dad, but already it HAS got some bit better. The really bad days have become few and further between. I feel mostly back to myself again, but accept that there will be more hard times eg his birthday is in a couple of weeks. I know that I will miss him and think about him every day till I die myself. But I have come to the thought that please God, I have many more years to live and I want to be happy, Dad would want me to be happy. I was 37 losing Dad, but I think I could have been 7 or 67, it doesn't matter, you never want to lose your father. Sometimes I do feel bitter thinking if that s**tty illness hadn't got him, I could have been in my 50s and him in his 80s still toddling about. I jump sometimes if I see an older man that looks like him, and for a long time I had this crazy idea that he was just down the back of Woodies, having a root around, and if I went in I'd find him:o. OP, the advice I would give you is it DOES definitely begin to get easier. The horror does fade, and you will be able to begin to remember the good times. Cry, scream, punch a cushion if you need to, or my personal therapy was lashing bottles into the bottle bank. But please, if you have a good day, go with it, you deserve it, and don't feel guilty about it.

Regards,
Cat x

LoanShark

My Dad will be six years dead at the end of this month, and only last week have I really started to properly come to terms with his death. There has been so much that has happened in our family life that we needed him for, but God had a better plan for him and called him.. I know that all children need their dads but as a male you really need him more, all the little questions that you need sound advice on and really dad is the only one who can give it (even though at the time of asking, you thought he hadn't a clue!! But on reflection, he was right!!)
Since he died there have been 5 more grandchildren born into our family (8 now being the total) with the last 3 being the only boys (1 of which is mine only born 3 weeks ago!) He would have been so proud of his family, and the grandkids would have had a grandad that was so warm and caring and protective of them...

Anyways. OP, the happiest days in your life are going to be the saddest, because you'll always be looking over your shoulder to see if dad is there...he'll always be with you, in your heart...

LegacyUser

I can't describe how this thread makes me feel.

I lost my dad almost 3 years ago, he was the most wonderful kind peaceful man I'll ever know.

He never sinned, he never hurt anyone; why did he have to be taken away? He taught everyone around him how to love, to be peaceful, to avoid judging others. He never criticised or cursed or hurt anyone.

I looked forward to him seeing me graduate from college, being there to walk me up the aisle, being a doting grandfather when I have my first baby.

I'm still heart broken, almost 3 years on.

It gets easier, I can think about him easier now and remember the wonderful things he did for others, always charitable and kind and happy to give. I strive to be 10% as good as he was, but I still carry anger.

I feel exactly as some of you have said; bitter when I hear friends/co-workers criticising their fathers. I hate how many nasty fathers live into old age, abusing their children, when my poor wonderful daddy got taken away.

I don't know if I believe in God anymore, because even still, I don't believe any good God would've left my family and I so alone and sad.

OP, like your dad, my dad had a scare a few years earlier and we were told constantly that we were lucky to get the years we got with him. This doesn't really help. We never thought for a second that he was going to die age just 50.

Life is harsh sometimes.

Time is a healer to a degree, but it doesn't fix everything. I hope I'll be able to cope better as the years pass.

Reading this has made me feel so much more human in the way I deal with my dad's death. I'm happy to see I'm not the only one who has felt like this.

I feel as though now it's been 3 years, I can't go complaining about it anymore, or showing emotion, not that I ever did anyway.

Best of luck to all of you who have posted here, you've made me feel so much better about my own emotional journey.