Should I listen to my friends about a guy?

LittleRed80

Hi ladies and girls
Just looking for a bit of old fashioned advice. I am a first time poster so my apologies if i have posted in the wrong area about this.

I am in my very late twenties and single after a long relationship that ended a couple of years ago so am back on the dating scene a while.

I used to work with a guy a few years back. We got on well in work and 8 years later having nothing really in common since we both work in different career areas now we are still in touch with birthday, christmas and a few hello texts throughout the year. He is single and dating and jokes about some of his funnier dates in the odd text. Nothing ever happened when we worked together as I was in a relationship. When I broke up with my previous partner he suddenly came to my rural town on a lads night weekend totally out of the blue but I kinda gave him the cold shoulder at the time and only met him for about an hour one of the evenings as I didnt want my x or friends to think any thing was happening. About a year back he texted me as a hello text and in the converstation told me he liked me when we worked together but I just laughed it off and didnt respond.

A couple of months I told him I was in his area if he wanted to meet for a few drinks - we had a laugh he offered that I could stay over after a few drinks but I went back to my friends place instead.

It seems silly but lately I just cant stop thinking about him and I think I like him. Do you think he thinks I have blown him off a few times? I have sent the odd hello text but his texts have been friendly but to the point in response. Only last week we met up cos I had notes for a course I offered to give him. I was expecting it to be like the previous time and for him to say lets have a few drinks and make a night of it but he got the notes from me we had some food and walked me back to my car and said good bye.

I dont know why after all this time I think about him so much lately and its only in hindsight I suppose he did try to make his intentions clear and through my actions I made mine clear (ie not interested at the time). After the last encounter he just seems totally not interested in me. I would love go on a official date or for him to at least get the message that I am interested after all this time. I am an ice queen and not a flirty type. I would not dare ask him out as I dont want to look desperate and I really dont think he is intersted in me now and maybe he is not even attracted to me anymore. My friends are sick saying ask him out but no way will I. There are no now more reasons for me to text him as I am the one who instigated the last text. My drunk friends wanted to text him last night when we were out from their phone asking him to ask me out and to tell him I am interested and I nearly killed them but now I think that may have been a good idea?

All l I know is I cant get him out of my head lately and I dare not text again. Should I let my friends intervene and send that text - its either that or forget him now forever. I just cant look desperate and maybe I read into the previous things wrong and he doestn and never did like me in which case I would die altogether.

Please, please let me know what you think...or what you would do text or no text???

abouttobebanned

It sounds to me like your own happiness is a bit low down on your priority list. You said that you didn't want to sound desperate...you said that you didn't want your friends to know... If you carry on like this you're going to remain single while all your friends settle down.

You've given this guy the brush off on more than one occasion so I'm sure he thinks that he's barking up the wrong tree and to continue barking would just be making a fool of himself.

You need to forget about what other people think and especially forget about looking desperate. We're not in the 1950s anymore...the dating world is an equal opportunities employer. Enough of this trying to be cool
And worrying what other people think. Date the guy and judge for yourself, not what others say.

MagicMarker

So he showed an interest and you weren't into it, now he's giving you the cold shoulder and all of a sudden you're interested. Typical. What exactly has changed that you all of a sudden can't stop thinking about him? How do you know that if you do get together you're not just gonna become disinterested again, like before?

Either bite the bullet or forget about it tbh. But for the love of christ don't have your friends ask him for you. And make sure this is something you really want to do, because if you make the first move and then change your mind... well, no one likes mind games.

StinkySocs

Dont let your friends text him, that would look worse...well IMO. If there is a party, BBQ, match or some social event on that your going to, ask him to go with you, as a friend, then see how he is with you then. If your happy with the outcome, text him yourself saying you had a great time, should meet up soon to do it again. If he had a good time he'll tell you and suggest another date, if he didn't he wont.
I think guys are fairly black and white, they dont get the games. So you have to spell it out to them.

Best of luck!!!

MIRMIR82

sorry but it sounds to me like you just want what u cant have now. he gave you the opportunity to go out wit him and you knocked him back. i feel sorry for him. i guess playing hard to get really does work!! Just grow up and text him (yourself) to meet you and tell him how you feel. See if he still feels the same - if your lucky he will.

Wibbs

Better bet here I reckon

Distorted

LittleRed80 wrote: »

A couple of months I told him I was in his area if he wanted to meet for a few drinks - we had a laugh he offered that I could stay over after a few drinks but I went back to my friends place instead.

See, this is what bothers me. It could be that he is a very cool guy and only gets together with girls once he has slept with them, but to me, a guy who doesn't ask you out on a date but immediately asks you to spend the night with him is a certain type of guy. Not necessarily just looking for one thing, but not perhaps the most romantic or organised type. I would actually find it hard to see a guy as good relationship potential if he suggested I spend the night with him when I hardly knew him.

LittleRed80 wrote: »

Only last week we met up cos I had notes for a course I offered to give him. I was expecting it to be like the previous time and for him to say lets have a few drinks and make a night of it but he got the notes from me we had some food and walked me back to my car and said good bye.

Perfect opportunity for him to ask you out, even if just casually. He didn't. And he's not contacted you since even though he has your number.

LittleRed80 wrote: »

I would love go on a official date or for him to at least get the message that I am interested after all this time.

I think you are looking for different things. If you gave him course notes and went for something to eat with him, then if he's the sort of guy who can suggest someone can spend the night with him when he hardly knows them, he's not some sort of shrinking violet who would then be thinking the girl isn't interested. I suspect he's thinking that you are looking for more than a casual fling and he likes you, but not enough to start a proper relationship with you.

I think you are obsessing a little over this guy because you haven't met anyone else that interests you, and also its a little of now you want something you can't have. I bet if you met someone you liked, you would forget him in an instance.

gimme5minutes

Distorted wrote: »

See, this is what bothers me. It could be that he is a very cool guy and only gets together with girls once he has slept with them, but to me, a guy who doesn't ask you out on a date but immediately asks you to spend the night with him is a certain type of guy. Not necessarily just looking for one thing, but not perhaps the most romantic or organised type. I would actually find it hard to see a guy as good relationship potential if he suggested I spend the night with him when I hardly knew him.

I think you are looking for different things. If you gave him course notes and went for something to eat with him, then if he's the sort of guy who can suggest someone can spend the night with him when he hardly knows them, he's not some sort of shrinking violet who would then be thinking the girl isn't interested. I suspect he's thinking that you are looking for more than a casual fling and he likes you, but not enough to start a proper relationship with you.

Hardly knows him? She knows him for 8 years. He's tried it on with her a few times and got rejected and now he has obviously decided not to wasted anymore time on her.

I bet if he was still showing an interest in the OP she wouldnt be bothered with him at all. Its just that now that he is no longer interested she wants him, its a case of she wants what she cant have. I think you should leave him be OP, you were obviously not interested in the past and the sole thing that has now changed is that he is no longer after you...you dont actually want him, you just want what you cant have.

Distorted

gimme5minutes wrote: »

Hardly knows him? She knows him for 8 years. He's tried it on with her a few times and got rejected and now he has obviously decided not to wasted anymore time on her.

I bet if he was still showing an interest in the OP she wouldnt be bothered with him at all. Its just that now that he is no longer interested she wants him, its a case of she wants what she cant have. I think you should leave him be OP, you were obviously not interested in the past and the sole thing that has now changed is that he is no longer after you...you dont actually want him, you just want what you cant have.

Are you saying that people who know each other casually through friends cannot ask each on dates? That would rule out about half of my friends' relationships! I think the problem here is that he has not asked her out on a date, the OP would like to be asked out on a date, and never the twain shall meet!

CDfm

What age are you OP and do you drive.

You have a phone and it is not unknown to for a grown woman to ask a man out.

Its the 21st century .

If you are worried about what to say text him and ask him if he would fancy going out for a sandwich and a bowl of soup sometime. Nonchalantly like. See what happens from there.

fghijkl

To be honest OP i don't really know what advice you're looking for?

He's made it as clear as day that he liked you and you made it very clear you didn't like him. He now thinks you're not interested.

You now like him but won't text him.


well then obviously that's the end of the story isn't it. You've reached an impasse of your own making. Yes you could solve that by texting him, but you're not going to, so there's no point wishing and hoping that somethings going to magically happen between you, it's not. Absolutely do not get your friends to text him for you, that really is so incredibly laughably childish, off putting and honestly, sad for a woman of your age.

As an aside i think your attitude to rejection/looking foolish is incredibly extreme for a woman in her late 20's. Maybe it would benefit you to go see a professional about this OP, if you are to have any hope at a future relationship?

LittleRed80

The staying over thing was "crash on the sofa" save you getting taxi type thing - very casual, nothing more.

I always liked him and we always had great laughs and chats and I suppose I always had a bit of a thing for him in but couldnt do anyting about it since I was in a relationship myself for the first 4 years of knowing him and he kept his distance until he knew that was over. Then after that, when he did show an interest I was trying to play it cool thinking inevitably something would happen at some stage then wham - cold shoulder. I couldnt let him think I was on the rebound.


Its prob gone on too long now to do anything about and just like the last time if I do meet up he is just going to think its meet for whatever the purpose of meeting up in the first place was and nothing else. Also I have no reason now to visit where he lives I live 100k away now and its not like I would ever have a reason to invite him to anything near where he lives. Very hard to find an excuse to be in his city unless I make up lies! Also I am seeing someone else at the mo nothing serious at all and there have been a few other relationships but each time I kept thinking - sure inevitably something will happen with this fella (until the last time we met that is) So its not a case of there being no one else. My thoughts always seem to come back to him even though nothing ever happened with us and despite seeing other people long term since and being very happy with the rest of my life.

dixiefly

LR80, just do it...ask him out as the others have suggested.

What is the downside, that he refuses or it doesnt work out after a few dates? Both still a preferable situation than the current one in which you are in a kind of limbo.

Once you extablish that he isnt dating anyone else at the moment you should give it a go....you never know without trying.

Elessar

Seems to me like when you could have him you didn't want him, and now when you can't have him you want him.

You just want what you can't have now. We've all been there. Unless you grow up and get in contact again, bite the bullet and ask him out or start being a bit more flirty, you just have to forget about him and move on with your life.

HugoDrax

Hi OP,

If you are interested then call him and tell him.

seenitall

Elessar wrote: »

Seems to me like when you could have him you didn't want him, and now when you can't have him you want him.

^^^^ This, with bells on. I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for your situation, OP. I just hope that whoever you are seeing has the same idea of it being "nothing serious at all" and is not being strung along, unsuspecting of you pining for Mr. Recently-Disinterested. As for him, I hope what happened is he has smartened up enough to stop chasing a pie in the sky. And so should you.

CDfm

OP god help us if the survival of the species depended on you -give your drunken friend the phone if you are that up in knots.

LittleRed80

Thanks eveyone for the comments - I take them all on board and some of you made some very fair points. Going to send the text later and see what happens so here goes. Thanks again .....

CDfm

LittleRed80 wrote: »

Thanks eveyone for the comments - I take them all on board and some of you made some very fair points. Going to send the text later and see what happens so here goes. Thanks again .....

Best of Luck OP & you and he sound really nice so fingers & toes crossed for you.

LegacyUser

send him the link to this thread ;-) very easy and less awakward

the reason i suggested that, is you are very honest describing the situation and genuinly like him, so he will really like it.