Don't think I can deal with my father anymore

LegacyUser

Long-time poster but going anon for this.

I come from a fairly close family (I'm a 26-year-old fella), but never had a great relationship with my father. There were a few beatings doled out over very insignificant stuff, and a lot of emotional distance. This is probably par for the course in father-son relationships in Ireland, but anyways, I grew up not really having a high opinion of him.

During the past few years, it turns out he's squandered most of the family wealth - money, land, etc. This only came to light when we were hit by solicitors and the like (trying to be vague here, while giving the essential details). This isn't just your average Celtic Tiger over-spending - he spent a fortune, drained the coffers dry, when at least half of that money was Mams. And he never breathed a word about it to Mam.

His reason for losing all this money was explained by him to us, but in very roundabout terms, and was a totally insufficient explanation given the reckless spending. We (and others besides) suspected gambling. We lost everything over the course of about five years, he borrowed from family members on dubious grounds, did some pretty shameful stuff (identity theft, other stuff that I have to keep vague). He sold my mother down the river, plain and simple.

We were about to lose the family home, It's only through others' incompetence that we might have a legal challenge to the house being repossessed. My mother loves this house, and has been fighting tooth and nail through a court case, with our assistance and support.

Recently, after causing quite a bit of grief within the family, and my mother and him separating, he has discovered a sum of money that would make life a bit more comfortable for her - an investment that paid dividends, and for some reason he didn't squander it. After almost 2 years of separation, my mother appears to be getting on better with him now, and is understandably over the moon at the discovery of this money.

Since this discovery, after a lot of not-really-talking-to-each-other and the odd temper tantrum by me when we did talk, he's been much more himself. However, after all that's happened the last year, I don't think I can have a relationship with him anymore.

Worse still, I get the feeling that my mother has softened towards him a bit recently, and there may be a possibility of a reconciliation. I've become very close to Mam since this whole thing broke, but if they were to "re-unite" I don't know if I could be around him (I like to go home every so often, Mam is on her own now). He seriously put Mam through the wringer, and I was worried for a while that she'd do something to herself.

Has anyone been in such a position? Any advice? I'd love to see her meet someone else, and I think that if she were to get back with my father, she'd never be able to forget the way he treated her and almost had her kicked out of her home. I know I'd never be able to forgive it.

I guess this is as much a vent as anything else, but I'd love to hear any advice you boardsies have on this. Feeling a bit low about the whole lot this evening.

Fentdog84

At the end of the day its up to your mam whether she wants to take him back or not. She had her own reasons for marrying him in the first place and she has her own reasons now. I wouldnt interfere because you could only end up falling out with both of them, and I dont know if you want that. Just concentrate on your own life, you wouldnt like either of them interfering in one of your own relationships. Sure what your dad did is hard to forgive, but crazy things happen in relationships/familys. Perhaps he's learned his lesson?

whatdoicare

I know it's an absolute killer to watch- I'm in a similar situation, except it's my mam who treated and still treats my absolute jem of a dad like dirt off her shoe - she has done some awful things to him and he still comes back with hopes of it all working out. I'm watching him plan a holiday as I type and I know it's all going to blow up in his face!

At first I used to do my best to help him move on and get involved in arguments, confronting her etc but it always came back to them reconciling and me being blamed for taking sides by her. Disaster! All it achieved was me ending up an insomniac and being constantly angry and frustrated!

I went to counselling because of it and I was advised to take a complete step back from it and not to get involved.
So, I did what I was advised and now only offer my Dad an ear to get whatever is bothering him off his chest and reassure him that if he ever wanted to leave her he would always have a home with me and be very welcome to it. That is all I can do- I had to realise he is a grown adult and has to make his own life decisions.

It's hard to do (and heartbreaking to watch) but it's working out alot better and I'm sleeping better at night. I have very little to do with my mom now but my dad knows that he can count on me if he needs me for moral support at any time- no matter what!

I hope you can see this too and realise that at the end of the day you can only look after yourself and that you can't help those who don't want to be helped.

whiteonion

Well if he has done illegal things like ID theft you should report him to the police, take him to courts and have him thrown in prison. That is what he deserves.