coming out question

ene

i am 20 year old lesbian who has been having a serious relationship with my best friend. both of us have basically fallen in love but for both of us it is our first lesbian experience. i dont know if its just the first time excitement and curiousity but has this happened to any one else?
also i told my mum about us recently and apparently she has known for ages... no idea how she would as i have gona out with many guys!
guess my question is has any one elde fallen for someone like this? and is it obvious to everyone other then yourself if your straight or gay?

baby and crumble

Hi, and welcome!

Your story is not that unique, in some respects. Most women who are lesbians fall for their best friend at some- usually it's not mutual simply because of the odds being against you!

You're really though asking if anyone has ever fallen for anyone- the answer is of course! And hey, maybe you're not a lesbian- perhaps you have fallen in love with this one girl, and that's fine too. Maybe you are gay and this experience has helped you see that. Either way, it's all good.

As for your Mum- Mums are intuitive- very little gets by them!! It sounds like it went ok telling her though- that's brilliant!

And as for other people, some people claim to have 'gaydar', to be able to read when someone is gay. Some people make judgements based on a haircut or the way someone speaks. In the end though, no-one can really know you're gay until you tell them. Everything else is just rumour and conjecture on their part. usually it's just a gut feeling people have, or perhaps connecting dots that you didn't even know existed. Sometimes they're right, and sometimes they're wrong.

wonderfulname

You're certainly not the first, the OH viewed herself as straight before she met me so there you go. Its not obvious to everyone else at all, your mother is different, nobody will ever know you like mammy does. Everybody assumes straight until told otherwise/they see you out openly with a girl, don't worry about it.

Sexuality isn't clear cut, its not just gay or straight, and bisexuality isn't nice and simple and 50/50 either. You can have a preference for women over men, or vice versa, and that preference can be of any strength. She could be the only girl you ever fall for, or she could have opened you to a whole new side of yourself. Don't feel a need to define yourself, a definition doesn't change the validity of your relationship.

ene

ye i think thats the problem... my girlfriend is now coming out to our friends and they are all mutual friends like i found it hard enough to tell my mum, like i amnt sure if i want everyone to know cause honestly i dont think i am a lesbian i think its just that i have fallen in love with a girl... i feel like i am crazy!!

wonderfulname

You're not at all crazy, you're perfectly normal in how you feel. Its an unfortunate position that people are presented with only three forms of sexuality when in fact there are an infinite number.

If you aren't even sure of yourself yet then its perfectly understandable that you don't want to come out as anything yet. Even if you were sure it still would be. I can understand the desire to be an official couple though... Hmm, you need to talk to your girlfriend, tell her how you feel, don't let her come out for you. Explain that being in to her doesn't make you gay, it just makes you in to her. The same is true for her, sure, she might be, but liking you doesn't automatically make it so. Make sure she doesn't mix up how you feel for her and how you feel about your sexuality, maybe show her what you've said here if it gets taken up wrong.

If you both want people to know you're a couple, tell them just that. If they ask (and they probably will) if that makes you gay, you can say no. If you're asked what it makes you you can say I don't know/happy/other smartass remark.

ene

ye i might do that.... like i think i am confortable with people knowing its just i am worried kinda about the stigma thats involved and what people will say... i was bullied a lot when i was younger and one of the taunts they used was that i was a lesbo/dyke so i feel kinda wierd about people like that knowing

wonderfulname

Yeah I got that too.. funny thing is that kind of taunting generally has nothing to do with you being gay or not, its just thrown about as an abstract insult by some people. Don't let their kind dictate how you live your life. I won't lie to you, you'l probably bump into one or two people who'll have an issue but the vast vast majority of people will be grand with it.

ene

sorry that you went through it also it really is awful!!
i hate that people like that have made me so anxious about all this like being with my girlfriend has made me so happy like its been 8 months now and its so so amazing like she is everything to me! its just horrible that a few small minded people would make all this seem wrong or sick or other things like that!

wonderfulname

Ah I didn't get it too bad now, enough to make me think. Nobody here will be able to say anything to outweigh those memories. Address them as far as is possible, make yourself comfortable with any other issues and just take the plunge - there will always be a slight issue there for you, only good experiences will outweigh bad ones.