Should I walk away?

LegacyUser

I have been seeing this about a year. I knew when I first met him that he had a son who was almost one year. We had taken him every so often, a few times he stayed over and a couple of times he stayed for a few days, to be honest I didnt really mind this because it wasnt a regurlar thing.
He was only with this girl and she accidently got pregnant, so he helped out as much as he could. He lost his business a few months ago and she took him to court for maintenance, basically a letter through the door, no sit down and talks first, but the letter come through the post.
He decided to appeal as he genuinely couldnt afford to pay a certain amount every week. The appeal date was for this Friday. He had a conversation with her last night and they have come to some sort of mutual arrangement financially and there is a possibility that he will have to take his son every weekend. Possibly an overnight stay also.
Thing is I only get to see him over the weekend, this would mean we could never go out etc.
He has also assumed that he would be using my car to collect him and leave him back, which is quite a journey every week.
He has a hobby where he has to enter some competitions throughout the year and last night he said, as long as he lets her know when they are on and she is happy to keep him them days (there are only about 6) thats the most important thing.
He even suggested that I would babysit him maybe on these days.

I was never consulted or asked and I have not been asked how I would feel if this weekly arrangement goes ahead.

Dont get me wrong he is a lovely little boy and times I have had him, I have done my best for him and always been good to him..But I will admit it was hard work, he had lots of trouble sleeping at night etc and I felt worn out by the end of a week that he stayed with us.
When I first met this guy he told me, he told me that his son would never come between a potential relationship.

I am a good few years younger than this guy, I seriously would not mind if this arrangement was every now and again, but now it just feels like my weekends are going to be planned from now on.
I just got the feeling last night, that he was so happy the court wasnt going ahead, that everything else in his head was clouded.
I work hard during the week, I be wrecked at the weekends, we dont go out much at all because of financial reasons, but that doesnt mean that we never go out. We do other durings the day like go for a walks and drives etc.

If I am honest I am just not ready to be a step in mum.

I havnt said anything to him, I dont know what to say or think, maybe its none of my business, I also feel terrible that I am thinking like this, I feel I shouldnt be thinking like this. I have been told today by a couple of close friends, I am not being considered here at all.

I obviously want what is best for the child, but it isnt best for me, and I really really do not want to seem nasty or selfish in any way, and I do not want to stand in the way of a father son relationship, I am beating myself up already thinking that.

I know a lot of people are prob going to go mad at me here, please dont, I am being sensible and very sensitive about this, I just want to do what is best.

Any advice???

quincebolis

DON'T feel bad - this is not your kid and not your problem. You need to put YOUR happiness first and not end up taking care of somebody else's mess.

I think if you're unhappy with the situation, you should leave before getting too stuck into the mess.

Fentdog84

IKs difficult to know what to say to you. You are in a bit of a catch 22 situation. You knew getting into the relationship that he had a kid and in sense you knew that you would always have to share him to an extent. But of course you should have been consulted on this arrangement.The other woman seems like a nightmare which is unfortunate. I wouldnt do anything rash but sit down and have a talk with him when you feel the timing is right.If you feel the situation becomes too much you should consider walking away. You need to look after no. 1, no need to feel bad about that.

StillWaters

Fentdog84 wrote: »

The other woman seems like a nightmare which is unfortunate.

I don't get that at all from OP's post. Her bf was not pulling his weight as a fether, only having his child sporadically, and perhaps only paying maintenance sporadically also.
Now it seems a more structured arrangement is being put in place, both in terms of access and maintenance. This is in the child's best interests, and also best for both parents.

Fortunately OP you seem to have the maturity and honesty to admit this is not something you want. That is totally OK, when you signed up for this relationship, the child did not figure much at all. That has changed now, and perhaps it would be better for you to walk away.

You have nothing to beat yourself up with, you are not being mean or selfish.

LegacyUser

I know what i signed up for at the time and I seriously didnt mind at the time, that is was a sporadic arrangement and both parties were happy with that arrangement at the time.
I totally understand that a father has to take on his responsibilities, in fact if he didnt at all I would be worried.
I am just so hurt that I havnt even been taken into consideration in this matter at all.
I havnt said anything yet, as someone suggested I am waiting on the right time. But I did say this evening as long you and the mum come to an arrangement that you ares happy with, and I was waiting for a response and also something that I was happy with.

I thought maybe their may have been a mention about him taking the child a night during the week and every second weekend or something, but all the answer I am getting is "whatever she says" and there is no mention of talk between us, he is happy now it isnt going to court and thats all there is to it until they have made their arrangements.

I have no problems accepting his son, or him having to do what is right by his son at all, but I do think on a personal level it is a bit much to have him every weekend when I only see him at weekends!!!

Should I say something before their meeting or say nothing, wait until he makes his arrangements and then decide?
I think that might be best, at least then whatever happens between I cant be thought of badly or be said to have caused arguments.

I just dont know. But again feel seriously bad about this.......

My bf means the world to me, and his relationship with his son means a lot to me also.

I just know it will take it take its toll in the longterm..

Firetrap

I'm a big believer in listening to your gut instinct. Sometimes your head can be telling you one thing but deep down, the answer is something different. If you think about it, although you've known your boyfriend was a father from the start, it never was an issue because his kid wasn't around much. That has changed and it will affect your lives together enormously. You'll figure out for yourself whether to stay or go. If you do decide to call it a day, don't beat yourself up about it. Not everything suits all people and if you don't want to be a stepmum, don't feel guilty about it. It doesn't make you a bad person or a selfish person.

Emme

anonusername wrote: »

I have been seeing this about a year. I knew when I first met him that he had a son who was almost one year. We had taken him every so often, a few times he stayed over and a couple of times he stayed for a few days, to be honest I didnt really mind this because it wasnt a regurlar thing.

He was only with this girl and she accidently got pregnant, so he helped out as much as he could. He lost his business a few months ago and she took him to court for maintenance, basically a letter through the door, no sit down and talks first, but the letter come through the post.

He decided to appeal as he genuinely couldnt afford to pay a certain amount every week. The appeal date was for this Friday. He had a conversation with her last night and they have come to some sort of mutual arrangement financially and there is a possibility that he will have to take his son every weekend. Possibly an overnight stay also.

Thing is I only get to see him over the weekend, this would mean we could never go out etc.

He has also assumed that he would be using my car to collect him and leave him back, which is quite a journey every week.

He has a hobby where he has to enter some competitions throughout the year and last night he said, as long as he lets her know when they are on and she is happy to keep him them days (there are only about 6) thats the most important thing. He even suggested that I would babysit him maybe on these days.

I was never consulted or asked and I have not been asked how I would feel if this weekly arrangement goes ahead.

Dont get me wrong he is a lovely little boy and times I have had him, I have done my best for him and always been good to him..But I will admit it was hard work, he had lots of trouble sleeping at night etc and I felt worn out by the end of a week that he stayed with us.

I work hard during the week, I be wrecked at the weekends, we dont go out much at all because of financial reasons, but that doesnt mean that we never go out. We do other durings the day like go for a walks and drives etc.

I obviously want what is best for the child, but it isnt best for me, and I really really do not want to seem nasty or selfish in any way, and I do not want to stand in the way of a father son relationship, I am beating myself up already thinking that.

OP, I'm sure the child is lovely and nice to have around but I think your bf is taking you for granted. It's almost as if he and his ex regard you as some kind of unpaid taxi/babysitter to facilitate their agreement for their son. Without even consulting you to see if it suits you.

You said yourself that you work hard during the week and you're naturally wrecked at weekends. Even so you're being volunteered for another job (unpaid it seems) at weekends. You'll have to ask yourself what exactly YOU are getting out of this relationship. How can you give your best to the child when you're not getting what's best for yourself?

DamagedTrax

should you walk away? only you can decide but if you do decide to it should be for the quote below and not because he is spending time with his kid.

When I first met this guy he told me, he told me that his son would never come between a potential relationship.

as a single father that absolutly disgusts me. any decent man would have told you the opposite - that a relationship would never come between him and his son.

mood

anonusername wrote: »

When I first met this guy he told me, he told me that his son would never come between a potential relationship.

To be honest I could never got involved with a man who would say this. Children should me a parents main priority IMO. That aside I think he shouldn't expect you to mind his son while he goes off having fun. No discussing it with you makes it worse.

The reality is if you get involved with someone with kids you need to seriously thing about the future more than if they don't have kids. Do you think this is a relationship you will be happy in when you have the child at weekends? If you end up with this guy long term do you and he want kids of you own?

Distorted

You didn't sign up for anything OP. You are still getting to know each other. I think you have to a little selfish sometimes in life in deciding whats best for you. Your boyfriend sounds a bit of a user - assuming he will be able to use your car for long journeys and that you will babysit his son. Taking someone for granted after just a year long relationship is not a good sign. Follow your post title.

Kevin Duffy

Hi OP, I can see why you'd be hacked off with how little you've been considered in all this and don't blame you, but have you told your OH how you feel? You are allowed to say what you think and feel and point out that you are not just his help by association, you don't have to sit back and wait for everyone else to make their plans.

I am a friend

DamagedTrax wrote: »

as a single father that absolutly disgusts me. any decent man would have told you the opposite - that a relationship would never come between him and his son.

Wha??? Total rubbish - I would never expect my parents to put me before their relationship. So many kids in this country are absolutely ruined because of attitudes like this where they are led to believe that the sun revolves around them and not the other way round…

A parents relationship should not have a negative impact on the child but no grown adult should put their child ahead of having a healthy, loving relationship…

OP, if it doesnt suit you then just mvoe on cos its not going to change....

DamagedTrax

Wha??? Total rubbish - I would never expect my parents to put me before their relationship. So many kids in this country are absolutely ruined because of attitudes like this where they are led to believe that the sun revolves around them and not the other way round…

when you have a new child the sun DOES revolve around them. as they grow older you teach them to have their own life and fend for themselves but at 2 years old they cant do that.

so many kids lives are ruined in this country because of attitudes like YOURS. a young child needs to feel special and loved without question. anything less is a recipe for disaster in their future life.

no grown adult should put their child ahead of having a healthy, loving relationship…

wow... from where i stand thats some pretty strange thinking.

i too would never expect my father or mother to put my happiness before their own... but im 34.. my son is 9, there's a bit of a differance in the 2 situations.

Distorted

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Hi OP, I can see why you'd be hacked off with how little you've been considered in all this and don't blame you, but have you told your OH how you feel? You are allowed to say what you think and feel and point out that you are not just his help by association, you don't have to sit back and wait for everyone else to make their plans.

But its just basic manners isn't it? He should know that if he takes something belonging to someone else (such as the car), he should ask for it and not just assume it will be given. He should also offer to do something else in return, because he is going to be putting more mileage on the OP's car and therefore lessening its value. Ditto re the babystitting while he is away doing his hobby. He shouldn't really need any of this pointed out to him. He is very presumptive.

I am a friend

DamagedTrax wrote: »

when you have a new child the sun DOES revolve around them. as they grow older you teach them to have their own life and fend for themselves but at 2 years old they cant do that.

so many kids lives are ruined in this country because of attitudes like YOURS. a young child needs to feel special and loved without question. anything less is a recipe for disaster in their future life.


wow... from where i stand thats some pretty strange thinking.

i too would never expect my father or mother to put my happiness before their own... but im 34.. my son is 9, there's a bit of a differance in the 2 situations.

Well i think your thinking is very strange but sure we will agree to disagree...

mood

I am a friend wrote: »

Wha??? Total rubbish - I would never expect my parents to put me before their relationship. So many kids in this country are absolutely ruined because of attitudes like this where they are led to believe that the sun revolves around them and not the other way round…

A parents relationship should not have a negative impact on the child but no grown adult should put their child ahead of having a healthy, loving relationship…

OP, if it doesnt suit you then just mvoe on cos its not going to change....

Romantic come and go, your children don't. Your children are dependent on you and not able to take are of themselves unlike adults. Many children end up neglected because people put other things ahead of their kids.

DamagedTrax

DamagedTrax wrote: »

as a single father that absolutly disgusts me. any decent man would have told you the opposite - that a relationship would never come between him and his son.

The above is so so true.

OP imagine if you were the mother of his kid and this is what he felt about your child. That he wouldn't be willing to put the child's(his own flesh and blood) needs over that of his relationship needs.

If i were you id give him a wide berth to be honest.

Kevin Duffy

Distorted wrote: »

He shouldn't really need any of this pointed out to him. .

Some things are obvious to some people, some things aren't. By your logic, nobody would tell their partner how they feel about things or say how they're affected, on the basis that their partner should just know. Less honest communication in a relationship? Don't think I've heard that advised before.

The OP's partner may well be thinking she's incredible for making the contribution she does with the car, babysitting etc and counting his blessings for finding her. She on the other hand appears not to be telling him that she actually has a problem with these things. It's passive behaviour that is not helping her at all, when she could solve some of her problems by letting him know what she's thinking, instead of building up resentment.

seenitall

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Some things are obvious to some people, some things aren't. By your logic, nobody would tell their partner how they feel about things or say how they're affected, on the basis that their partner should just know. Less honest communication in a relationship? Don't think I've heard that advised before.

The OP's partner may well be thinking she's incredible for making the contribution she does with the car, babysitting etc and counting his blessings for finding her. She on the other hand appears not to be telling him that she actually has a problem with these things. It's passive behaviour that is not helping her at all, when she could solve some of her problems by letting him know what she's thinking, instead of building up resentment.

Honest communication is all well and good, but first things first: no-one has the right to make the huge presumptions on another person's goodwill and resources that this guy has made. It is selfish and inconsiderate taken to the next level, and that is why I would have trouble imagining myself long-term with someone so off-hand about (what I consider anyway) some basic human decency and manners.

The "honest communication" bit would not even have to be called upon if this guy hadn't way overstepped some serious boundaries in the first place.

OP, I'd walk. (I know it is easy for me to say, but you do deserve to NOT be taken for granted in this way, especially this early in the relationship...)

Best wishes.