Father remarried for two years, never told us

LegacyUser

So as title says. My family, my three brothers and i have just found out our father remarried two years ago without telling us. We found out by accident from a drunk cousin who bumped into my brother on a night out. Confronted him and he admitted it was true but accussed us of being ungrateful for everything he has done for us and marched out of our house. He's been visiting every single week and never had a wedding ring. He must have been taking it off in his car before coming in. He divorced my mother 5 years ago, not her choice and treated her very badly in the divorce. She came home to find him gone one day, not note or anything, just stuff packed and gone. We got messages through relatives to tell us he'd found elsewhere to live and would be in touch. Went to the gardai to make sure he wasn't kidnapped or dead or anything, but no, he was fine.

He gradually got back in touch and started visiting our family home. Then he said he wanted to divorce my mother to tidy everything up. During the divorce it became obvious he was hiding funds. We said this to the mothers solicitor who brought it to the courts attention but that was it and my mother got a very small amount from the divorce. All of us felt he had cheated her, especially given the way he left and how he had told her to give up work when she started having kids.

Afterwards we were introduced to his girlfriend. To say money grabbing mutton dressed as lamb is putting it mildly. She has a minimum wage two day a week job(her choice because, but yet is never seen without a brown thomas shopping bag, head to toe in designer gear, always rattling on about how her way is the best way because look at where she is now....

Further developements were that they were together prior to divorce, my father transferred nearly all of his assets to her name and thats why they weren't declared in court for the divorce.

So now he has been married for two years without ever mentioning it. My brothers and i can't get over it. He's said its his life and he'll do it whatever way he wants and we shouldn't be so controlling and should be grateful for everything he's done for us.

All sorts of feelings and emotions and confusion at the min, no idea what way to feel or where i am or where my family is with this. There were only a few people at the wedding who were all told to keep it from us. He told them not to tell two of his siblings as well who have had money related run ins with this woman.

Not sure whats to benefit from posting but thanks for any opinions or help etc

seamus

Without being too glib about it, it just sounds like a big mess.

Tbh, his previous marriage ended abruptly and presumably bitterly. He was no doubt unhappy in his marriage, and regardless of the fact that he left no warning, no note, your mother was probably aware to some degree that the relationship was dead.

You can probably understand why he kept the new marriage from you; his children don't like his new wife, everybody appears to have their own opinions about her being the local golddigger and overall it seems to have gone very quickly from divorce to remarriage. I can understand why he would want to avoid having his ex wife and by extension his children from finding out about it.

I gather from your post there's very little that you actually need anyone to say to you, you just need to get it off your chest.

Your description of your father from your post is that of a very selfish man who probably got married in the way he was expected to, to a woman whom he never really loved and who operated his life in a "I'll do whatever I think is best for me" mode.
Then his children grew up and he found a woman that he actually loved and had a connection to, and with zero trace of respect for your mother, went about systematically protecting his assets so he could build a life with/for a woman whom he actually loves.

But then if your father is a selfish man you're probably aware of this already. Getting married on the QT and keeping it secret for two years is the mark of a man who has no respect for anyone's feelings but his own and who does whatever he wants. I can understand a secret wedding and perhaps waiting a month or two before letting the ex wife know. But two years indicates that he doesn't have the guts or the respect to tell you straight out.

There's nothing you can do about this, expect to accept that this is the man that your father is. Perhaps talking to a counsellor could help.