I'm ugly and I hate myself

LegacyUser

Pretty much the title. People tell me I'm "ok" but I hate how I look. 20 year old male, never had a gf, only kissed one girl in my life. Feel I am condemned to be alone forever. I hate being in public. I think everyone is laughing at me. I'm honestly way too afraid of what people think.
I don't tell anyone this but it hurts me everyday to think about it. I try to convince myself I'm funny and nice but I don't like looking in the mirror. I want to tell someone but not someone I know like fam or friends

When I go out to nightclubs I'm too scared to approach girls, think everyone will laugh at me. I usually end up going home early

I don't think this obsession with my looks is doing anything good for me, it's pretty negative.

caseyann

Hey OP,i am really sorry you are feeling so down on yourself.
.Most people even if chased all over the place by girls or guys,have huge insecurities about their looks and insecurities about who they are.Alot of people put on the bravado of being confident and they are not really.
I think you should consider seeing a counselor for your confidence.Dont look in the mirror and scrutinize yourself,as the truth is no one else is.
You seem like a good hearted person and sensitive which is the most attractive thing a man can have.
Having only one girl friend at 20 even if it feels bad to you,its not at all.
As you dont want to speak with anyone you know you would be better to go to a counselor or motivational groups.The one thing to do is smile and be proud of who you are as a person.Everybody has fear of rejection.When you are out just go out to enjoy yourself and dont think about what others think or about getting a girl,just let it happen naturally.It could be you sitting and she will sit beside you.Simple hello to start and take it one step at a time.
Remember your own worse critic is yourself.We all do that.
Take care and dont please be so hard on yourself.:)

indiekid

Hi,
I don't normally post on boards, but was so sad to read your post.
First up - nobody's looking and nobody's laughing - it sounds like you're extremely self-conscious and worried about what others think.
I used to feel like that until I realised (gradually) that nobody is noticing the things you think they're noticing. People are generally too busy worrying about themselves.
Talk to someone if it helps; or take up some activity that makes you feel at ease; and over time, you will settle into yourself and won't be so anxious.
Don't do yourself down by saying or thinking that you're ugly - No way.
You are as valuable and important as anyone else - so give yourself a bit of self-belief and keep going - you will feel better in time.

whiteonion

Do you have enough money to go to south east asia? Well then you should a month there will make you really happy. The girls there will treat you the way you deserve.

fee fi fo fum

Hey,

Your post has really touched me.

Firstly, and this is through no fault of your own really, it's all around us in the media etc. , you are putting a lot of value on how you look or if you like, how people look, above personality. You say yourself you try to tell yourself you're funny and nice so chances are you are those things.

How we view other people plays a big part in how we view ourselves, how are you viewing potential partners? Are you judging them on appearance alone?

Secondly, you've had a relationship. Someone put enough value on you to share part of their life with you.

Thirdly, you're afraid your appearance will be a factor in your ending up alone - i'm going to stop you right there. I'm a 29yr old female , i'm attractive, I turn heads when i walk down the street , I'm not saying this in a cocky way , i've become aware of it. I'm also aware that less heads are turning the older i get, in a few years nobody will notice i'm there , i'm also single , looks fade , they leave us. They're fleeting.

I'm afraid too.

People advise, marry someone you like , because when looks fade and bodies fail, personality shines through.

Don't beat yourself up on this, you have so much more of substance i'm sure. x

Ickle Magoo

whiteonion given a weeks holiday for failing to heed mod warnings about muppetry and unhelpful posting.

Fentdog84

You dont need good looks or money to meet someone nice. Its all about how you carry yourself. Work on building up your confidence around people and getting people to respond postively to you. If you go with the mentality that you are horrible and you will never meet anyone, thats exactly what will happen. Its all in the mind my friend.

Zen65

shoshosho wrote: »

I don't think this obsession with my looks is doing anything good for me, it's pretty negative.

You are correct about this, an obsession about your appearance is a far greater problem than any real physical issue.

As others have said, almost all people have issues about their appearance, regardless of how "beautiful" they may actually be. Thankfully outer beauty plays only a minor role in our attractiveness. I've known many people who were in reality quite plain-looking but who were considered very attractive because of how they walked, talked, and interacted with others.

Confidence is critical. You can build confidence in so many ways. Confidence is particularly useful because if you can fake it then it actually can become real.

For a man, building real confidence can be very straight-forward. Take up a hobby, ideally a physical hobby (jogging, table-tennis, martial art, dance, football, whatever) and join a club where you can practise this. This has the advantage of bringing you into contact with people of similar interest. You will be an awkward beginner initially (and make friends because of this) but in time as you dedicate yourself to practice you will improve, and people will see this improvement and admire you for it, even if your talent is not great in absolute terms.

Outside of that club, your hobby provides you with something to talk about as an introduction to yourself. The more you know & care about your hobby the more confident you will appear to be. People will not pay much attention to your physical appearance if you can talk about this hobby with a passion.

As you learn to talk with passion about this hobby, you will develop the confidence to talk about other things with passion also. People who meet you will remember you as a confident person, rather than focussing on your appearance.

In any event, people probably do not focus on your appearance now anyway, unless you have a third ear, and even then it is a curiosity which fades quickly once they get to know you.

Your hobby need not be a sport, it could be film, theatre, food, etc (but it should be a hobby that requires you to get out in order to participate...... staying indoors to watch films won't translate into much confidence). The important thing is for you to participate in that hobby in an environment where you meet others. The hobby aspect of this social situation is that it distracts others from focussing on you initially, as the hobby takes centre-stage.

Be at peace,

Z

kjl

Ok, so this might seem like a funny suggestion but it will help you.

Have you ever thought about joining a club like toastmasters or one of the debating clubs in university?

Public speaking can really help you with your confidence. So your not the best looking person, who cares, most girls I know don't care about looks as much as they care about confidence.

You need to have belief in yourself and your opinion. Show people your humor and just come out of your shell. I have a lot of mates who do brilliantly with women and they would definitively not be good looking. The only limitation you have is the one you put on yourself. Plus, chances are you aren't as bad as you think you are.

HugoDrax

Try acting classes or dance lesson or martial arts because they will improve your body confidence. You could also go to a hair salon and ask a guy who works there what hairstyle might suit you best. Go to a clothes shop and ask one of the people who works there what kind of clothes would suit you.
Then if you want to get used to talking to people try starting harmless conversations about the weather or asking the time or getting directions off strangers you meet just to practise talking to people. For a laugh you could get talking to a stranger and try seeing how far and how long you can keep an interesting conversation going and see how long you can keep the person interested before moving on. You could start a conversation by asking an opinion question about something in the news and just taking it from there.
Then try doing the same thing with women but without trying to get their numbers or get them to go out with you.
The more practice you have talking to people then the more confident you will be especially if you get used to acting classes - you will learn to improvise on the spot and perform in front of a group of people - or dance lessons - you will know a few moves you can use to impress the girls on the dance floor - and martial arts - if you can learn to punch or block punches then meeting people in a non violent situation will be cinch by comparison and less nerve-racking.
Perhaps you should go to a club just to get used to being out and about first before meeting girls?
You should get as comfortable in a nightclub as you would in your living room.
So once you have worked on your image, your confidence - acting, dancing, martial arts will teach you how to move confidently and talking to more people will make you more socially confident - then meeting girls will be easier because you will know how to strike up a conversation, be friendly without being forced or awkward and because you will be used to the way some people don't want to talk, you will be less unhappy about being rejected.
Women like men who are confident, friendly, easy going and funny as well as being good looking. Good looks aren't everything because if a good looking guy has nothing to say then women will want nothing to do with him. But if a guy is interesting and funny and confident women will want to know more about him. So if you work on developing your personality and trying to get out of your comfort zone then you will have more success with women because they will notice this and you might have girls coming on to you without you have to do any hard work.
And the ultimate focus should not be just women - it should be about being friendly, fun and a great person for anyone to meet and because you want to genuinely meet other people and expand your social circle.

A19B1C12

Honestly man,

I was the same the whole way through secondary school until I was 17/18 and I can tell you if you are unhappy with your appearance it is quite easy to do some simple things to help you become more confident, I did and it changed my attitude and others towards me quite positively. Please don't rely on drink, we all do it from time to time but you have to be able to approach girls sober aswell.

1 - Get exercise (gym/football/running/walking) , anything that gets you out of the house and try to aim for about an hour x 5 days a week. It's not as much as it sounds at 20 years old.

2 - Get a haircut - a haircut can radically change your appearance and give you a whole new look. Different styles and highlights can be one of the most radical ways of transforming your appearance.

3 - Get clothes you like and feel comfortable in - this is crucial. Clothes account for about 90% of your appearance. If you don't like them and don't feel comfortable in them (too tight/too dark) people will pick up the feeling you are transmitting.

Most of all its about the confidence. Personally I would say the mental side of attraction accounts for at least 50% once the person finds you reasonably attractive to start up an inital conversation. So don't fret. Emit confidence and you will find people will be more inclined to talk to you and be more accepting of your advances on them. And remember, not everyone is going to like you so don't let any number of rejections get you down. Just keep trying, keep going and time will come.

minidazzler

What don't you like about yourself? Is it something you can change? People generally are not as bad looking as they think.

What specific things do you think make you ugly?

wylo

shoshosho wrote: »

Pretty much the title. People tell me I'm "ok" but I hate how I look. 20 year old male, never had a gf, only kissed one girl in my life. Feel I am condemned to be alone forever. I hate being in public. I think everyone is laughing at me. I'm honestly way too afraid of what people think.
I don't tell anyone this but it hurts me everyday to think about it. I try to convince myself I'm funny and nice but I don't like looking in the mirror. I want to tell someone but not someone I know like fam or friends

When I go out to nightclubs I'm too scared to approach girls, think everyone will laugh at me. I usually end up going home early

I don't think this obsession with my looks is doing anything good for me, it's pretty negative.

right man , im taking a completely different approach to everyone else here. Its very tough to do this , cause no doubt therell be plenty of people reading here wondering wtf is that weirdo talking about.

Your thread title was "Im ugly and I hate myself", have you ever considered the idea of there being no "self"? Just your body and thoughts? The "you" part of it is just something that was instilled in your brain from a young age. The "you" is whats blocking the true perception of real life. you know this too, you know that your negative thoughts are irrational. Once you drop the 'you', you become free of that. The sense of self is not actually real believe it or not. You cant find it anywhere. Its not there.
PM if you need help doing that. Some religions call it enlightenment. I dont like that word though.

Angeles

This to me sounds very close to a pre depressive state.
Its clear your self esteem is at rock bottom and i honestly think you should seek some help about this. Your perception on how you see yourself is very important to living a healthy life, but if you can't see past the mirror then i really recommend you seek some intervention as to why you believe so low of yourself.

You need to figure that out first before you get the ladies , If you can't be comfortable in your own skin, how would a girl feel around you?

I'd say its time to have a chat with your GP op, tell him/her your concerns, in confidence, something like this can usually go a lot deeper and may require therapy, but nipping it in the butt now, can make your future years all the more brighter.