abusive boyfriend?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,i need some advice please.

Today is the day of the anniversary of my brothers death:( And my family and i met up in a pub for a meal in his memory.My BF said to me this.
It is disrespectful for yous to go to a pub, he has respect for my brother and we dont?
I am gutted and so upset.Of all days and he starts to say these things to me.
He has previously said some things to me calling me names and stuff and i have let it go because of his apology.
But this was the most hurtful thing ever to say on my brothers anniversary and about me and my family.The support i expected seemed to vanish.

Please help thanks advice your point of view thanks.

Chinafoot

missingmybrother wrote: »

Hi guys,i need some advice please.

Today is the day of the anniversary of my brothers death:( And my family and i met up in a pub for a meal in his memory.My BF said to me this.
It is disrespectful for yous to go to a pub, he has respect for my brother and we dont?
I am gutted and so upset.Of all days and he starts to say these things to me.
He has previously said some things to me calling me names and stuff and i have let it go because of his apology.
But this was the most hurtful thing ever to say on my brothers anniversary and about me and my family.The support i expected seemed to vanish.

Please help thanks advice your point of view thanks.

Firstly, I am so sorry about the death of your brother. I hope you and your family are doing ok.

Secondly, how and where you and your family choose to remember your brother is absolutely none of your boyfriend's business and for him to say that must have been devastating for you. He was completely out of order. The only person showing disrespect here is him. A meal in a pub is disrespectful?? Jesus.

How long are you together? As this isn't the first time he has been disrespectful to you I would be giving some serious thought to whether or not this relationship is worth it. Personally, I'm all for accepting apologies when they are genuine and the person ensures it doesn't happen again. Apologies don't mean anything when the behaviour continues. You are grieving for your brother and you need support. Not only is he not giving you support, but he is actively hurting you. Time to ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship.

My advice would be to go and spend time with your family as much as you can at the moment and think about whether this man is worth it.

All the best OP, my thoughts go out to you and your family.

seamus

Regardless of whether his comment has merit* if he a shred of respect for you, he would keep such comments to himself at least until a more appropriate time.

There are only two reasons why I would think he'd have said it yesterday:
1. He has zero tact or respect for sensitivity
2. He wanted to deliberately upset you.

Seeing as he has previously called you names and upset you, then I suspect that the answer here is option 2 and the guy is a typical abuser-control freak. He says things to upset you, but then later apologises and you accept it. Despite his apology, the upset is designed to lower your self-worth and prevent you from "getting ideas" about yourself.

Whether he's worth staying with is up to you, but I would say not. Not unless you're prepared to call him out on it, regardless of apologies.

*Academically you could say that remembering an alcoholic's passing, for example, in the pub is disrespectful, but the anniversary of his death would not be the day to have that debate

I am a friend

I lost my sibling recently and if ANYONE (friend/ boyfriend/ husband/ cousin - so i mean anyone) told me I was disrespecting their memory or evening suggested how I remember them then it would be the last words they would say to me.

He is a bully and I am raging on your behalf. Move on from that brut - you have enough to be dealing with.

Is he abusive? Absolutely!!!

elbee

OP, sorry for the loss of your brother.

How you and your family choose to remember him is your decision and there is nothing wrong with what you chose (even if there WAS, it's none of anyone else's business, you all knew him best!).

It was a very nasty thing for your BF to say, on what was a very difficult day for you. Personally I think you should ask yourself if you need someone in your life who is going to push an irrelevant personal argument on a day when you need support, and who is going to be difficult about how you choose to grieve.

LegacyUser

Hey guys sorry for long time been away.
Thanks so much for all your replies and condolences.
It all hit head today for past stuff in life.
Questions upon questions about who i slept with and how many and stuff.
And i asked leave the past in past please i dont want to talk about it anymore.But wouldnt let it go.So i told all i had in past and then the name calling started.
Seriously devastated by his attitude.:(
I have put up with some stuff from him and never have an issue with his past.But only matter my past to him,Forgetting he has one to.
I wanted to keep my past for myself and live life and forget the stuff from past.He just wouldnt let it go.
Why is it some men just have this hang up on past and think its relevant to the relationship and have the audacity to call a woman they are meant to love names like whore and slut and lowest of low.
I wasnt even with him i didnt even know him and my past is my business right?
People in past shouldn't matter.
The stuff also,will we run into an ex will they talk to you.If you talk to them must mean you want to be with them or still fancy them.
I just dont get it,i am loyal and give every bit of love and support.
I am really upset i may have kept my past to myself but isnt that my right to do that.
And be Loved for who i am not judged for my past.
Which i can say is not in any way shape or form hundred of men.
Thanks again guys for all your replies XXX

Emme

He (I hope he isn't your bf anymore) had no right to comment on where your family chose to commemorate your brother. That alone is bad but if what you say in the last post is anything to go by get rid. Nobody needs an abusive boyfriend.

Taltos

Op - can you not see he is continuing to escalate and slowly dominate you?
This will only get worse - and it could only be a matter of time before he lashes out and hits you - and then makes you feel like sh1t for "making" him hit you because you are such a "bad person".

Seriously OP - end it already.
From the signs this relationship is well over due being taken out - so do yourself a favour and get out and spend time with family/friends/alone to allow yourself to grieve and heal.

Zen65

missingmybrother wrote: »

Why is it some men just have this hang up on past and think its relevant to the relationship and have the audacity to call a woman they are meant to love names like whore and slut and lowest of low.

This is not the behaviour of decent men, it is the behaviour of bullies. There is nothing for you to gain by remaining in this relationship, and I suggest respectfully that any meaningful partnership has ended.

Time to move on, there are plenty of other people out there who respect their partners.

Be at peace,

Z