am i being a muppet??

yrrekhsam

hi, heres the background, going out with a guy for almost 6years. at the beginning i had v.little interest and didnt mind when he went out with his friends, one night he got with another girl and i promptly finished it. However, he swore it was a mistake and that he loved me so we got back together and this time i really fell for him. anyway,we've built a house together which is almost ready to move into but the problem is i cant stand when he goes out with out me now, i dont see why he wants to-im happy staying at home with him. i think i just dont trust him when his after alot of drink or dont like the idea of him enjoying himself without me. last month he had a stag, i spent the wk.end waiting for the phone to ring and driving myself insane thinking about him. when he did ring, i got so angry at him my hand was shaking and i felt like i was having a panick attack!:eek: anyway, i know i cant go on like this, and there will always be ocassions when he goes out without me, but just need some advice on how to fix this-or if anyone has been in a similar situation and how they dealt with it.

I am a friend

Were you like this before he cheated?

Has he given any indications that he is cheating now?

yrrekhsam

no i was never like this, to be honest i dont think i was really in love with him at the time. However, he maintains he was so drunk when it happened he cant even remember it and i suppose i feel that if it happened before it could happen again!:(

I am a friend

sunflower27 wrote: »

OP, if he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat. The only people we ever have control over is ourselves.

If you love this guy, then I think you need to trust him. What point is there being with him if you are going to have panic attacks every time he has a few drinks without you there.

Did he sleep with the other girl or just kiss her? (sorry, am showing my age here, I don't know what 'get with' entails).

Do you not think he knows what he risks losing if he does it again?

The fact you did dump him before means he knows you will do it again if he messes up.

Is he doing anything now which makes you think he is gamey?

I do agree with this. He has a lot to lose if he does it again. In fairness you need to figure if you can / will trust him. It's not fair to him if he is doing nothing wrong and you are only Putting yourself into an early grave with this level of worry. Rather than sit wondering what he is doing, sit down and figure what you want to do with your life and if you can deal with this.

I don't think I could but doesn't mean you can't.... Good luck

Mighty_Mouse

Am I correct in understanding that he cheated 6 years ago, at the start of your relationship, when you admittedly were not interested in him?
If you were "not interested", would it be correct to assume this was at the early stages of the relationship?
If so, it's not unusual for there to be "overlap" between a person settling down into a relationship & killing off old habits, ex gf's etc.
From this point forward (6 years) he has been completely devoted to you?
He has built a house, asked you to marry him, and never given you a reason to worry about his commitment to you?

If my understanding of the situation is correct, then you are treating him unfairly. Is your intention to ruin his life through your own insecurities?
Do you really want to live your life, your relationship as "the mad yolk Johns marrying"?

You have spent 6years not forgiving him for an indiscretion at the start of the relationship. It's time to bury it and move on.
Also "waiting around" worrying about your partner’s solo movements is unhealthy. Busy yourself somehow with more meaningful activities.

btw:

i cant stand when he goes out with out me now, i dont see why he wants to-im happy staying at home with him.

You lack perspective, your thinking and logic is wrong. You need to stand back and apply regular everyday social norms to understand whether you are wrong.
Look at the people around you and how they behave. Is your bf different or are you?
You're bf has friends, enjoys socialising & makes the effort to plug into his community around him.
To me this indicates he is a well-balanced all-round person.

Whilst you have admitted get paranoid, worried and angry to the point of physically shaking.
Stand back from the situation & consider which person in this relationship might be causing the problems.

I would suggest that even if you bf was to sit at home for the next 50 years you would find something destructive to cling to.
There is something going on with you that you need to resolve.

yrrekhsam

ya it was six yrs ago. i know im prob being irrational, but why cant i trust him. iv asked him several times to compromise with regard going out. and maybe stay in one wk.end a month, we go out together most weekends, and as much as he agrees to this, he never has. i feel theres no point confronting him about things anymore because he's better in arguments and getting his points across, whereas i just get upset and angry and i just end up apologising and thats that. i love him with all my heart and want to be with him, but can we have a life together like this?

I am a friend

So does he go out on his own or do ye go out together every weekend?

Zen65

yrrekhsam wrote: »

i love him with all my heart and want to be with him, but can we have a life together like this?

No.

You cannot be truly happy as long as you carry this distrust with you. While he is physically near to you, you believe that you are stopping him from being unfaithful. But once you are away from him the fear of his being unfaithful consumes you. Eventually, even if he stays by your side every evening/night, you will begin to wonder if he is thinking of other people,... the people he meets during the day? You will begin to wonder who's texting him, ...& e-mailing him?

I think you need professional help with this, probably from a relationship counsellor. You need to learn how to express and feel love without needing to feel possession. Unless you can establish a trust with this man, you are both missing out on the best bits of a relationship.

Be at peace,

Z

Mighty_Mouse

i cant stand when he goes out with out me now

dont like the idea of him enjoying himself without me

i know im prob being irrational

It sounds to me this man wants you in his life. Your behaviour will either drive him away or make him miserable. Your possesive nature and lack of trust is a spiralling black hole. A cycle you need to break.

but why cant i trust him.

The reason is not his fault. Its your failure to deal with a minor issue 6 years ago at the start of the relationship combined with some emotional problems you have.

i feel theres no point confronting him about things anymore because he's better in arguments and getting his points across, whereas i just get upset and angry

It's not a political debate. A person doesn't "win" an argument in a relationship.
I would guess that he argues your behaviours is erratic. You cannot control him, you cannot control the argument, you lose it, shut down and flip out.

I would also suggest that "one weekend a month" is a compromise which is more than reasonable in most relationships but it will not work for you.
The other 3 weekends your behaviour will remain impossible. You will need more and more reassurance, compromise etc etc......
Unless you deal with your emotional immaturity, & learn how to behave in an adult relationship, you will drive this man away.

I don't wish to heighten your insecuritys, but you fear his infidelity above everything else? What if your behaviour continues & he eventually meets a relaxed, rational, emotional mature, non-possessive woman?