Living at home - going mad and need to move out!!

LegacyUser

Hi there

I'm a single mid-20's male living at home, and I'm in a good job. My parents are separated and all my older siblings have moved out so it's me and my mam. As I'm working, I pay her 475 euros a month (my friends think I am mad for living at home AND giving that much money for some reason). For that I get a room and a bit of washing and ironing done. I pay for all my own food more or less as I eat during the day in work. I contribute to work around the house (gardening, hoovering etc etc)

Lately this arrangement is really making me miserable. I love my mam and all but she has quite an overbearing personality at times, and always has done. In contrast, I have quite a passive, easy-going personality, and I just find her a bit too much at times.

She doesn't respect my privacy and will happily wander in and out of my room to get something (one of the two wardrobes in my room is full of her stuff, along with the 2 1/2 in her own, this extends on occasion to rooting through drawers to look for something she needs. I have a paper shredder in my room which i use to destroy all personal documentation from banks etc after i'm finished with it - one time she took it upon herself to empty the shredder into the bin and started questioning me on what i was shredding because she tried to make out some of the shredded contents....that to me is a blatant violation of boundaries.

She'll also try to rope me into any job going around the house because she gets some impulsive DIY idea - she got her attic converted this week so we spent yesterday afternoon bringing up stuff (including MY stuff from MY wardrobe that SHE wanted moved), and expects my assistance - God knows how she'll manage when I move out. I'll be getting that phone call still, I suspect.

If I'm not around to help with a job she'll hmmm and haww and make it clear after how much work it was after she's done, so there's clearly some automatic expectation from her.
I think she thinks I have nothing better to be doing, that I have it super-easy with my job because I work flexi time (and a lot of unpaid overtime), she doesn't understand what my job involves, and that she does everything for me (she actually really doesn't) for she expects it in return.

She also makes me feel like I'm a lazy s**t for sleeping in late on Saturdays and Sundays (having worked several 12 hours days some weeks) and woke me up this morning at 9.30am asking why don't I get up and cut the grass. Yesterday it was "are you just up???" in a condescending sort of tone. She makes sarky comments about my room, because I have a pair of jeans on the radiator, a jacket hanging from the back of my desk chair, a pair of shoes on the floor - It's a real pigsty(!)

All in all, I want to move out. I can feel a serious amount of resentment building and I think it'd be better for the two of us if I left. Unlike my siblings, I haven't met a long term partner I can move in with, so I'd realistically be living on my own or sharing with strangers. I'd prefer to live on my own, given the choice, as all my friends who are sharing say it's great, and then immediately describe how many mental/psycho housemates they've shared with - not very encouraging! My mam reckons renting is dead money (apparently saving up for a mortgage deposit, paying mortgage interest and pumping all your savings into one big asset whose value fluctuates due to forces beyond your control is not!).

How quickly can someone realistically move out ? I'd be looking to set aside 1000 P/M for rent, food and utilities and then the rest would be disposable income and some money set aside each month for savings? Is anyone in the same boat who could share their experiences?

tinkerbell

First of all, if you plan on staying at home then you are entitled to get a lock fitted on your door. If you are paying €475 a month (which is quite a lot in my opinion given that you're only renting a room AND doing all the DIY, etc. etc.), then you are entitled to privacy. Get a lock for your door, and tell your mother that she has to move her stuff out of your room if you are to continue paying rent. You wouldn't have a landlord storing their crap in your wardrobe if you were renting in a house.

And I think you could easily move out now if you wanted, do you have a bit saved up for a deposit?

And as for your mom thinking renting is dead money, well essentially you are "renting" now ... so basically your mother doesn't want you to give money to a landlord but is quite happy to take that money from you.

purity

Having been in a similar situation myself, I too lived at home in my mid twenties and whilst paying my fair share my mother respected my privacy. I layed 350 a month on the counter for her and in that payment I got ironing, washing and a room that only had my stuff. Now there were times I gave out as she has the bedroom door opened but seeing as I was paying her she than understood that it was my room whilst I was living at home.
I think your mother is terrible really she should be glad your paying her so much. I lived alone and it costs a lot more than 1000 I'm afraid but do try house share it will save you loads as it is you are house sharing? so find a lad your age and god know what will happen you might get privacy at last.
What's going on now isn't healthy

Chinafoot

Firstly, what your friends think of your situation is completely irrelevant. You are paying less than €500 a month for accommodation and "a bit of washing and ironing". You're in your mid-twenties and obviously have a decent enough job, why shouldn't you be paying that much? Your mother shouldn't be expected to support you at this stage in your life. I assume you have full use of the house, yes? Depending on where your house is I would like to see you get yourself a 3 bedroom house, for example, for less than what you're handing over now. You made no mention of utility bills which would lead us to assume that they are included in your €475 a month, no? If they are, then you really can't grumble about the amount. Also, if you rent your own place you will be expected to do the hoovering and cleaning. Its part and parcel of being an adult.

Its really very simple OP. Move out. You don't want to live there anymore, your mother is over stepping the mark and to be honest, at your age you should be out on your own. Start looking for your own place and save your money until you have enough for the deposit, first months rent, any deposits required for setting up heat/electricity accounts, etc.

purity

Chinafoot wrote: »

Firstly, what your friends think of your situation is completely irrelevant. You are paying less than €500 a month for accommodation and "a bit of washing and ironing". You're in your mid-twenties and obviously have a decent enough job, why shouldn't you be paying that much? Your mother shouldn't be expected to support you at this stage in your life. I assume you have full use of the house, yes? Depending on where your house is I would like to see you get yourself a 3 bedroom house, for example, for less than what you're handing over now. You made no mention of utility bills which would lead us to assume that they are included in your €475 a month, no? If they are, then you really can't grumble about the amount. Also, if you rent your own place you will be expected to do the hoovering and cleaning. Its part and parcel of being an adult.

Its really very simple OP. Move out. You don't want to live there anymore, your mother is over stepping the mark and to be honest, at your age you should be out on your own. Start looking for your own place and save your money until you have enough for the deposit, first months rent, any deposits required for setting up heat/electricity accounts, etc.

This guy is in distress over this matter and your comment hasn't made the situation any better! He is obviously living at home to support his mother and is afraid to leave due to this. I think 475 is a disgrace she is his mother and should allow him to save and who says he should be out at his age Many people live at home because they are saving for their own house.

Neyite

OP if you want to move out, then all you are going to need is a months rent and a deposit - usually the equivelant of a months rent too.

Sharing with others is a great experience - You might encounter people set in their ways, or a bit wierd, but thats life - I also made great life long friends by getting to know flatmates too, so its not all bad. At least in a rented, you usually get your own key for your room, and nobody elses stuff is in the wardrobe. Nobody is going to give out about your bedroom 'pigsty' either.

Tell your mother you are on the verge of moving out, due to the invasion of privacy and the expectation that you should drop whatever you may be doing to do what chores she has picked out for you. If you think that she would sit down and talk it out with you then try that. If not, leave.

purity

purity wrote: »

This guy is in distress over this matter and your comment hasn't made the situation any better! He is obviously living at home to support his mother and is afraid to leave due to this. I think 475 is a disgrace she is his mother and should allow him to save and who says he should be out at his age Many people live at home because they are saving for their own house.

475 isn't remotely a disgrace, I pay rent plus misc and share in all household duties
That said, it is clearly time for him to move out as they don't get on. There's nothing else for it as she is still viewing him as a kid.
He can find a houseshare and still continue to save.

tenchi-fan

Time to cut the apron strings. Realistically, you can move out within a week - there are plenty of houses available!

Moving is stressful so use up some annual leave for the move and a few days after it.

Last time I moved, I made three piles of clothes: a pile to keep, a pile for charity, and a pile for the bin. And I basically did the same with all my other junk as well.. moving is a great way to start afresh.

€1000 is a lot of money. If you decide to share a house or apartment you could save a lot on bills and rent. Preparing your own meals isn't expensive either.

Good luck with your move. The sooner the better!

Chinafoot

purity wrote: »

This guy is in distress over this matter and your comment hasn't made the situation any better! He is obviously living at home to support his mother and is afraid to leave due to this. I think 475 is a disgrace she is his mother and should allow him to save and who says he should be out at his age Many people live at home because they are saving for their own house.

Oh please.

You think €475 is a disgrace? I'd like to see him get what he gets now for that amount of money outside of his mothers home. The fact that she is his mother doesn't mean he can live rent free in her house for the rest of his life. He is in his 20s and working. She should not have to support him anymore.

Your comment regarding those who live at home to save for a house is completely irrelevant to the OP's situation. Did the following part of his post pass you by?

My mam reckons renting is dead money (apparently saving up for a mortgage deposit, paying mortgage interest and pumping all your savings into one big asset whose value fluctuates due to forces beyond your control is not!).

Yeah...he's clearly looking to save for a house :rolleyes: Oh and those who don't have mammy and daddy to pay their way do actually manage to rent and save. Its not unheard of. Where did the OP say he needs to be at home to save? He didn't say that. He mentioned saving when he mentioned the budget he has worked out for when he moves into his own place. A not unsubstantial budget, so yeah he can afford to get out of his mother's house.

How about you stop looking at the OP and his issue as if he is you and your previous situation.

HugoDrax

Move out. Go for it. What are you waiting for?

purity

Chinafoot wrote: »

Oh please.

You think €475 is a disgrace? I'd like to see him get what he gets now for that amount of money outside of his mothers home. The fact that she is his mother doesn't mean he can live rent free in her house for the rest of his life. He is in his 20s and working. She should not have to support him anymore.

Your comment regarding those who live at home to save for a house is completely irrelevant to the OP's situation. Did the following part of his post pass you by?


Yeah...he's clearly looking to save for a house :rolleyes: Oh and those who don't have mammy and daddy to pay their way do actually manage to rent and save. Its not unheard of. Where did the OP say he needs to be at home to save? He didn't say that. He mentioned saving when he mentioned the budget he has worked out for when he moves into his own place. A not unsubstantial budget, so yeah he can afford to get out of his mother's house.

How about you stop looking at the OP and his issue as if he is you and your previous situation.

I'm not going to start an argue I have paid my mother whilst living at home a good bit mind you, however when I lived there I was treated with respect unlike the op. I'm not standing up for him if anything yes he should move out, 475 is bad for living at home as your parents must understand that a deposit for a mortgage ain't cheap, and if he is not saving for a mortgage for 500 extra he can live comfortable alone utility bills and everything incl....

booboo88

I kinda know how you're feeling. I pay 300eur a month but pay esb, and greenstar aswell, while my brother pays just 300eur to which he borrows back, I'm expected to clean any time I'm off while the other two just sit and do f**k all. im saving for a deposit and maybe one or two months rent. Just for my sanity alone. I love my mother dealy, but she can be quite the control freak, as in she doesnt like me locking my door, doesnt like when i do washing, or any type of cleaning, but expects me to do it her way

purity

booboo88 wrote: »

I kinda know how you're feeling. I pay 300eur a month but pay esb, and greenstar aswell, while my brother pays just 300eur to which he borrows back, I'm expected to clean any time I'm off while the other two just sit and do f**k all. im saving for a deposit and maybe one or two months rent. Just for my sanity alone. I love my mother dealy, but she can be quite the control freak, as in she doesnt like me locking my door, doesnt like when i do washing, or any type of cleaning, but expects me to do it her way

Sounds like when I lived at home. Parents I feel should be lenient mine weren't either, It's really difficult to get a mortgage and save a deposit I feel parents should be helpful and charge a small fee. Rent is dead money but a mortgage is not as it's a home you'll have for life.

Chinafoot

purity wrote: »

I'm not going to start an argue I have paid my mother whilst living at home a good bit mind you, however when I lived there I was treated with respect unlike the op. I'm not standing up for him if anything yes he should move out, 475 is bad for living at home as your parents must understand that a deposit for a mortgage ain't cheap, and if he is not saving for a mortgage for 500 extra he can live comfortable alone utility bills and everything incl....

Why do you keep talking about mortgages? The OP has not said he wants to save for a mortgage. Why should his mother charge him feck all to live in her home, and it is her home, when he has no current plans to live there until he can buy his own property.

I'm absolutely gobsmacked at your sense of entitlement tbh. Expecting your parents to further support your living because you're unable to save and live at the same time? Grow up ffs. Not everyone's parents are in a position to do that nor should they be expected to.

As for living comfortably on €475 a month with everything included, if he can make that work (which I seriously doubt) then there is absolutely no reason for him to be at home. He should move out as soon as possible. As it stands now he can clearly afford to move out given his projected budget.

cafecolour

The places I've lived in (in the center of Galway), have ranged from about 325 a month to 425 a month, plus maybe 80 a month on average for utilities (ie ESB and internet) - living with 2 or 3 other people.

So you can def find a place for the same you are paying to your mother. In addition, socially it's a good step. You're more likely to find a girl not living at home as well. And psycho housemates are far less common than stories imply, especially if you're easy going. In 15+ years of shares, I've only had one full psycho, and maybe 2-3 irritating ones. And I've probably lived with at least 40 different people by now.

Anyway, generally you have to pay your deposit (equal to one months rent) and the first months rent. Sometimes the deposit is last months + deposit, so you're paying 3 months worth at outset.

If you have about 1200-1500 saved, you can move out as soon as you find a decent place. Start looking on daft.ie

purity

Chinafoot wrote: »

Why do you keep talking about mortgages? The OP has not said he wants to save for a mortgage. Why should his mother charge him feck all to live in her home, and it is her home, when he has no current plans to live there until he can buy his own property.

I'm absolutely gobsmacked at your sense of entitlement tbh. Expecting your parents to further support your living because you're unable to save and live at the same time? Grow up ffs. Not everyone's parents are in a position to do that nor should they be expected to.

As for living comfortably on €475 a month with everything included, if he can make that work (which I seriously doubt) then there is absolutely no reason for him to be at home. He should move out as soon as possible. As it stands now he can clearly afford to move out given his projected budget.

Thank god your not my mother so bet you are old enough to be:eek:

Firetrap

It's kind of ironic that your mum's going on about rent being dead money, yet she's happily taking the guts of €500 per month off you! I'm currently in a situation where I'm sharing a house with two friends and my rent is nowhere near that.

I think you should try house sharing and see how you get on. I've lived in a few places and haven't had any great problems in any of them. Take a look on daft.ie or the local paper and go around to see some of them. It isn't the nicest thing in the world to do, looking at houses to rent but if you go with your gut instinct you'll be fine.

Besides, if things do turn out to be not so wonderful in a house you move into, there's nothing to stop you moving on. In the meantime, with the lower rent you'd be paying you could be getting a deposit together and keeping an eye out for somewhere to live in by yourself. The most important thing is to move out. It will do you the world of good.

Eve_Dublin

OP I'd move out for your own personal development more than anything else. I live in Spain where people live at home with their parents until their mid 30s and I can't get my head round it at all. Why someone wouldn't want to be independent from their parents as soon as they can is beyond me. I've had the odd date with a local and if it came down to "your place or mine", it's always going to be my place. That's very off putting and not very sexy, to be frank. I see someone living at home with their parents and who can afford to move as an individual afraid to grow up and be a responsible adult, which by your mid-twenties, you should be. Moving out of your home is a natural step in personal development and in life. It's the natural order of things. The sense of dignity, independence, freedom and self-respect that comes with getting by on your own and doing normal things like paying bills, paying rent, keeping your gaf tidy is essential in life. It makes you a better person. I can come and go as I please...I am totally in control of my own life and that's very empowering. I'm taken seriously and I take myself seriously because of this.

With all due respect, you talk about "nightmare housemates" (I've been sharing for 10 years and have only had one...my current one unfortunately) but it sounds like you already have one. You can interview your potential housemates and go with your gut instinct. More than likely it will work out...anything is an improvement on the situation you're in now, no?

Maple

purity wrote: »

Thank god your not my mother so bet you are old enough to be:eek:

Infracted, completely unnecessary remark.

Maple.

beks101

I really don't see where your indecision is on this one. You've laid out all the arguments in your post, living with your mother is inhibiting your life and you're in a decent enough financial position to move out...so what's stopping you?

You are essentially paying already more-or-less what an average rent would be, without the freedom and independence that renting your own place allows. Unless you choose to live alone, that's going to cost a bit more, but either way, a low price to pay for your own personal growth, mental health, independence, peace of mind and all that comes with it.

Honestly, your mother sounds overbearing, but no different to what my own Mum would be like if I moved back in...I love her more than life itself but I'd honestly lose the will to live if I was back under her roof for too long. She's your mother, in her eyes you are eternally her little boy who needs his laundry done, his room checked and tabs kept on you to make sure you're living your life in a way she deems appropriate.

If my mother knew I sometimes sit up til 5am just for the hell of it or eat chocolate for breakfast in a fit of madness or bring boys home on occasion she'd probably have me sectioned...but moving out as long ago as I did means I can live my own life without fear of her judgement while maintaining a strong relationship with her. The only way your Mum is going to start treating you as an adult and not like a 16 year old is if you pack up and leave and start your own life independent of her.

And no, renting is not a bed of roses, when I lived in Ireland I loved nothing more than getting some breathing space from my flatmates and the stresses of house sharing and taking a trip home on weekends...but honestly, if every lifestyle choice you make is subjected to your Mum's judgement and criticism you may as well actually be sixteen as far as personal development is concerned.