Girlfriend keeps discussing marriage

LegacyUser

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years and I'm mad about her. We've talked about getting married and having kids and all that in the future but we're not ready yet as she's living at home and still in college and we're both broke.

This is all fine until she has a few drinks and goes on and on about when we're getting married. When she's sober she agrees that we're not ready but now each night out or in with a few drinks centers around marriage.

I'm getting fed up and I am now trying to avoid nights out with just the 2 of us as she doesn't do it in company. I miss having a laugh and a relaxing night and instead I get interagated each time and the next day she'll agree that we're not ready.

I miss my girlfriend and the nights out that we used to have, what can I do?

I am a friend

In vino veritas - she is obviously not alright with it or she would not keep bringing it up. Sounds like she is supressing her emotions to keep you happy but under it all she is not happy with the way things are.

Kevin Duffy

If you see marriage with her as your future, perhaps tell her, but point out that X,Y and Z has to happen first before you can start to act on your intentions together.

It might also be worth asking if she'd agree to only talk about it when sober, or only at home together, or some other simple, practical restriction that will keep it from cropping up on nights out. She cleary wants to talk about it, so maybe just agree a time and place for talking about it that suits you both.

Do not make it the bedroom, men will agree to anything in there

LegacyUser

Jeeze, she's prob just excited about it, i bet if you had a proper conversation about it she would prob not have the need to bring it up, try really listening to her and see what she is saying, she shouldnt have to apologize for it each time, she just prob wants some reassurance from you???

LegacyUser

By your post, I presume she is around 22 (in college and still living at home) - that's very young to be getting wound up about settling down. Maybe she is not feeling very secure in herself/the relationship, and she somehow thinks that being engaged will solve that?? I don't know! I find it really unusual that she is getting slightly obsessed about marriage if she is as young as I think she is. Is there any reason that she really really wants to get out of her folks house? Do you two get enough time together at the moment? It just seems to me that there must be a reason that she's really pushing for when marriage might happen. I'd be a bit freaked at it being brought up so rehularly - and I'm a girl!

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the posts. I'll try talking to her again.

She's 27, mature student.

Faith

I'll admit, I've been guilty of that in the past. Knowing sober that marriage was miles off and there were a million reasons we wouldn't be getting engaged any time soon, but mentioning it when drunk. I don't know why - I think I just wanted him to say he wanted to marry me too, as a sign of commitment I suppose.

4 years together is a long time when you're in your mid/late 20's and you're not even living together yet. Maybe she's getting concerned that the relationship isn't progressing as it should. Can you perhaps move in together as an intermediate step? If she's bringing it up when she's drunk, it's obviously bothering her on some level and you need to address that rather than hiding from it.

LegacyUser

Tried talking to her about on Saturday evening and said everything in my post as suggested but by 11 o'clock on Saturday it was back to the same thing, when when when?

Moving in together isn't really an option until she finishes college as it's 50 miles from where I live and work. I don't know what to do.

I am a friend

hdhdhcf wrote: »

Tried talking to her about on Saturday evening and said everything in my post as suggested but by 11 o'clock on Saturday it was back to the same thing, when when when?

Ah now she is being an a-hole, I am not surprised you are frusrasted. You have 3 choices (1) propose to her, (2) dump her or (3) continue to listen to her ramble on.

Its frustrating when someone keeps droning on about any subject on a night out whether it be kids, work, weddings etc. No offense but are you sure you want to be stuck with a bore for the rest of your days??? What would she be like when she has kids....

common sense brigade

if you do want to marry her in a few years and you mean that why not get engaged? tell her it will be a long engagement .

Taltos

I like this too

I am a friend wrote: »

Ah now she is being an a-hole...
You have 3 choices
(1) propose to her,
(2) dump her or
(3) continue to listen to her ramble on.

At the end of the day after 4 years I guess she wants some idea of where you are both going. If you are unsure - tell her so or end it. Either she will accept that you need more time or she will pester you until you cave or tell her to get lost...

Maybe some time apart is what you both need. You to remember what it is like without this constant nagging. Her to really see if she really wants to be with you. Remember some folk never get married - wonder how she would fancy that...

Faith

Okay, I agree with the others. When is she finished college? Your options really seem to be exactly what I am a friend suggested.

LegacyUser

She'll be finished college next summer. She doesn't like long engagements, that I definately know and to be totally honest I think that if we got engaged now she'd be booking a hotel for next year as she has seen friends do this and applauded them.

tinkerbell

I have some questions for ya:

1. Do you want to get married to her?
2. If yes, when would you like to get married? (You haven't even lived together yet, I think you should be looking at that first before even thinking of marriage).
3. What do you say to her when she is drunk and brings it up?

You need to have an honest, frank discussion with her when she is sober. And tell her that it really irritates you when she brings it up while drunk and it's putting too much pressure on and is driving you away. And four years is not that long a time, especially when you haven't even moved in together yet. Why don't you decide on hitting that milestone first and see what happens. Because you only really know a person once you have lived with them, and I think you'd be mad to commit without living together first.

smiles302

While I think it's not on she's pressuring you to propose, maybe she is feeling a bit bored in the relationship?
If her friends are getting engaged and married, she could be feeling left behind. No new gossip to bring to friends to giggle over...

I just say this because a friend of mine got very like what you are describing 3/4 years into the relationship. Every occasion involved will he/won't he propose. She'd drag me around baby-supply shops, picking out the "perfect" buggy etc.

About a year ago, they decided to move in together with the goal of saving up for a house. She's spend the entire year talking about how amazing this house is going to be
No word of crazy engagement imaginary plans since.

I know living together isn't an option now, but could you plan with her to move in together once she is finished college?
Reading your post from what's not always a rational mind, she doesn't sound included in your future plans. You don't know what/where ye will be when she finishes? Will she try to get work near you? Are you able to move if she can't?

I imagine you just haven't thought that far ahead yet? It could be what is making her feel a bit insecure while at the same time feeling silly about it because you sound like you want to marry her just not now.

If she is looking for commitment. Decide how much of your plans for the future you can commit to making this relationship work. Tell her how much you have already committed to this.

Or if she purely wants a wedding to show off to friends and family that.. whatever it is you show off with a big fancy wedding. Then you may be in trouble and I don't quite know what to advise.

seamus

smiles302 wrote: »

While I think it's not on she's pressuring you to propose

While I agree with your post in general, I wouldn't say 100% that it's always wrong for a woman to be dropping hints or twisting the screws....sometimes.

Us men are simple creatures and we like our status quo. So long as we have a partner that we love and we're comfortable with where we are, we don't always see the need to go changing things and getting married.
Most men need a "push" to some degree or another. That's obviously not a constant hounding about when, when, when or starting blazing rows when drunk, but a little nudge every now again to let us know that it's something that the lady would like isn't out of hand.
And it's all part of the dance. Very few men haven't had to spend a few months making faces and fighting off her mates and his family making jokes about it.

I agree that this girl is probably looking for some kind of "next step" arrangement, not necessarily marriage. I have found that while women are often very pragmatic budgeters, when it comes to the big life things like marriage, moving in together and having children, they often ignore the money issue. While you may think that you don't have enough money to move in together and you're only being sensible, in her mind she's thinking that if you love her enough, then "no money" is no obstacle.

b743k

Smiles302, your friend sounds scary, perfect buggy!!!!!

OP the others are right, dump, propose or put up with it as she isn't getting.

Is it putting you off her?

SheRa

seamus wrote: »

I have found that while women are often very pragmatic budgeters, when it comes to the big life things like marriage, moving in together and having children, they often ignore the money issue.

It does sound that might be the case in the OPs situation, and in your experience but trust me it is most certainly not all women. Both myself and all the women I know, would be very conscious of budgets and being sensible for big life things as you call them:).

Op, you know yourself that you need to talk to her again. Maybe, if you are happy to, agree that you will live together once ye are finished college (and have jobs obivously). Ok the job part is easier said than done, but still.

If you wouldnt be happy to give this commitment of moving in with her in a year, then you may never be ready to give her any commitment.