Constant fear of rejection? I don't even know

LegacyUser

Basically I don't really know where to start but I'm in a very down mood and at home with nothing to do so thought I might as well just make an anonymous post. I understand this could easily not get replied to because it's too long but I've tried to edit it down and kind of feel everything I typed is important to whatever my problem is. I posted about this the last time I got in this kind of mood, so I understand if it doesn't get replied to!

My parents got divorced when I was about 4 (i'm 18 now), they don't get along at all now, they've moved on and both have remarried and had kids. My older brother moved out to my grandparents when he was a teenager because there were arguments etc. in my mum's house where we lived together after my Dad left, so my grandparents are kind of like an extra set of parents to us.

Anyway I spend most of my time moving about between these three houses, i think it's important to see my half brothers and sisters in my mum's and dad's houses to make sure they're okay and stuff. I don't stay anywhere too long because usually if I do there does be some argument or something that I'd rather avoid because they never end well. If I stay in my mum's for 2 or 3 days in a row by the end of the last day i get told to leave (but not in that nice a way). The same thing happens in my dad's but it's more subtle, they aren't as harsh but I get the message. It's my own fault really, I don't agree with how my parents take any frustration they might build up during the day out on their kids by being overly angry and if I see my parents giving out to my brothers and sisters about things that they really shouldn't start roaring about I step in and direct the fire at me. I feel more like a parent to my brothers and sisters than a brother but maybe all older brothers/sisters feel like that?

Then I just fall back to my grandparents house and im there for most of a normal week, they don't mind me staying there but my brother is off in college all day so i'm pretty much always in my room. I wouldn't mind that really, and this is a kind of silly reason to want to leave, but they're heavy smokers and I can't help it but my asthma gets very bad no matter where I am in the house.

I try to do everything for myself. I cook my dinner, wash my clothes, clean my room etc. I don't have a job so have to get my money from my parents. They don't realise but I make a point of not just taking money, I'd only take money if I've done a good bit of babysitting or cleaning the house or helped my brothers and sisters with homework etc, something that they would pay a somplete stranger to do so then I don't feel like I owe them

Anyway I try to not to get bothered about anything my parents would say to me or how I don't really have anywhere to call 'home', and usually this works fine. I'm usually very happy and can joke about it and stuff. If anything annoys me, gets me angry or gets me sad, I can easily make myself get over it so i'm pretty much constantly in a good mood. But a few times every year something just changes in my head and I get very down, I feel very self-conscious and stuff and i get this heavy feeling in my chest.

Usually at home I don't talk unless I have to, but I do be quite outgoing in school. But when I get in this mood I try not to talk to anyone because I don't feel like I should waste their time talking to me. In my head I just imagine everyone snapping at me and telling me to go away. I know it's completely stupid though, we joke around etc in school, we're all good friends.

This kind of mood comes on a few times a year and can last up to a few weeks and it gets me pissed off as well as down because I try to get myself over it and to cop on but it doesn't go. I said some of this to a few of my friends before but I don't see the point of talking about it, nothing really can change. The way I see it anyway, I don't really want things to change, I don't have a problem with my life, I'm not the kind of person to complain about things. My problem is this ****ty mood that won't go away. Even things could change who am I to expect people to change for me. I should just be able to resolve my own problems and be happy because they are my problems, nobody else's.

P.S.

I don't really know if this is related to anything but since I've already written the equivalent of Mt.Everest :rolleyes: :
I'm naturally really smart, I do absolutely no study and usualy get an A or an odd B in any test. My course next year needs me to get 290 points and I know I can get that easily with no work, my older brother got one of the highest points in the country before but he was more study-smart, I don't care about proving myself and really amn't concerened with getting as much points as I can as long as I get my course.

I think it's kind of selfish to be really smart but not need much points, so I try my best to help anyone I can in my year if they need help. I tend to help with maths especially but sometimes people just need help getting their heads around an essay or a project and I'd hate to think that someone didn't do as good in their leaving cert as they could because I didn't help them. Especially 'bad kids' who got under 50 points in their mocks and now want to work hard for their course but are told by teachers that it's too late. Usually I can see how helping other people could hurt someone's own work but I don't spend any time studying in the first place. Then I feel very bad when I get in this mood and I really can't explain things or help as well as I should.

Frowzy

You poor thing! I can see why you might be in a bad mood.

I can't judge your parents because I don't know them, but I've seen it a lot where parents who divorce and move on can, in some cases, push away their children from that marriage. Not saying that this is what has happened to you. I can only judge from what you've written but it doesn't sound like you've got the support you need from either of them.

That said however, nobody likes a smartass, so if you have thoughts on how your younger siblings are being treated by their parents I'd keep them to myself if I were you, this you will understand if you ever become a parent! Exception to this rule obviously is unless they're being grossly mistreated or abused. Only thing you can do is keep your relationship with them alive and let them know that they can come to you with anything.

We all have reasons for becoming the people we are. Good and bad things happen us all and this shapes our personalities. That said, you are 18 years of age now, legally an adult. It's time for you to be proactive about your life and start making plans! Are you doing your leaving certificate this year? Despite your blasé attitude is there a possibility that this could be having an affect on your well well-being at the moment?

Believe it or not lots of people get fluctuations in their moods from time to time. It's quite common, and talking with somebody may help. I'm only basing my opinion on your post above, however it seems that you spend a lot of time dwelling on the bad things that have happened. You're young, healthy (apart from a gentle reminder to your grandparents about your asthma), you're intelligent and on the cusp of adulthood and independence! Begin to enjoy your life and embrace the experience you've yet to enjoy.

This is none of my business, and a completely unsolicited opinion, however I'm wondering what area of study you're intending to pursue? Just from reading your post above it strikes me that you might be suited to working with young adults. I don't mean in a teaching capacity, but more along the lines of learning support, counselling or even social care.

Best of Luck with the future!

LegacyUser

Thanks a lot for your reply I really appreciate it!

That said however, nobody likes a smartass, so if you have thoughts on how your younger siblings are being treated by their parents I'd keep them to myself if I were you, this you will understand if you ever become a parent! Exception to this rule obviously is unless they're being grossly mistreated or abused. Only thing you can do is keep your relationship with them alive and let them know that they can come to you with anything.

I see what you're saying about being a smartass and you have a point. I'll just try to explain myself though. I don't talk to my parents at all really, we have a very detached relationship. For example, they don't know what I got in my mocks yet because it would be so weird for us to talk about what's on telly tonight nevermind something personal. I try not to be a bitter person and this might come across as harsh but I don't really see them as my parents. I'm thankful for them paying for me and giving me opportunities while I was younger but I don't feel like they 'raised' me. On the other hand I think if I break my personality down it's kind of scary to see how much different things as a child (good or bad) can make you who you are.

My brother (11) is in my mum's and my 2 little sisters (2 and 4) are in my dad's. I don't know if bullying is a parenting style but that's what my parents do, they used to do it to me and still do it to them. For example, they turn an accident like dropping a fork into a huge completely unrelated incident that leaves their children in tears trying to figure out what they did wrong when they really didn't do anything. I don't intervene directly in my mum's when something happens with my brother because he's quite old now, but I do have a chat with him after to see what's going through his mind and mend his wounds (so to speak) if he has any. But in my dad's my sisters are still young and I just try to save them the pain by stepping in, I don't care what they say to me. My parents and them will move on and forget it a few hours after but, from my experience anyway, it has a long-term effect. I do understand how maybe it's not my place and I will try to work on it, thanks!

however it seems that you spend a lot of time dwelling on the bad things that have happened. You're young, healthy, you're intelligent and on the cusp of adulthood and independence!

You're completely right. I spend most of my life not dwelling on anything bad, big or small, and just appreciate the good things I have. That's why this mood gets me annoyed, it's not like me to be like this and no matter how hard I try it doesn't leave. It's like a dark cloud that comes for a few weeks about 3 times a year but then once it goes I'm the happiest guy you'd know. I dread thinking I'd be like this all my life though, it reminds me of a yo-yo.

This is none of my business, and a completely unsolicited opinion, however I'm wondering what area of study you're intending to pursue? Just from reading your post above it strikes me that you might be suited to working with young adults. I don't mean in a teaching capacity, but more along the lines of learning support, counselling or even social care.

I'll be doing computer science next year, I'm very good at computers and enjoy working with them. My dream job would be a stay at home dad though, but there's no college course for that yet

Are you doing your leaving certificate this year? Despite your blasé attitude is there a possibility that this could be having an affect on your well well-being at the moment?

Yeah my Leaving Cert is in June. I see it affecting other people in my year and I feel like it should affect me too but it just doesn't, I can't help that really. And it's not that it hasn't hit me yet, I understand the importance etc. of it all, that's why I try to help my friends who are stressed about it all.

You poor thing! I can see why you might be in a bad mood.

Thanks a lot for replying. When this mood happens I get nervous and I worry about everything. In my head everyone hates me, everyone's bitching about me behind my back and nobody wants me anywhere. I do be afraid to go to school in case I do something that will make someone snap at me. Makes me feel quite lonely and self-conscious. And it makes me mad at myself because I know I have no grounds for any of that, there's no proof for any of it. I just wait it out every time, waiting for me to get back to normal already.

MissMiami

Good that you vented all your feelings out, OP. It's make such a difference to really think about a situation like this and write down your thoughts.

Sorry to hear that you're experiencing a tough home life. Are you close to your brother? Maybe you could talk to him about how your feeling. He may be able to offer you some support as he knows your situation.

Just as a side note - That's really good that you are helping the other students in your class. Maybe you could offer grinds next year when you're at college and it'd be an extra bit of money in your pocket. That would be really good for your CV as well if you are hoping to enter a career where you are dealing with people a lot.

Hope everything works out well for you xxx

LegacyUser

MissMiami wrote: »

Good that you vented all your feelings out, OP. It's make such a difference to really think about a situation like this and write down your thoughts.

Sorry to hear that you're experiencing a tough home life. Are you close to your brother? Maybe you could talk to him about how your feeling. He may be able to offer you some support as he knows your situation.

Just as a side note - That's really good that you are helping the other students in your class. Maybe you could offer grinds next year when you're at college and it'd be an extra bit of money in your pocket. That would be really good for your CV as well if you are hoping to enter a career where you are dealing with people a lot.

Hope everything works out well for you xxx

You're right it did help writing it out, I can feel myself getting back to normal a bit but I'm not quite there yet, but getting back to normal in a few days is much better than the usual few weeks!

I'm not very close to my brother, he isn't the kind of person who talks about anything that doesn't involve him. He loves to argue and debate and prove his point, he lives in his own bubble if he's not trying to prove himself right. I don't mean any of that as an insult or anything, that's the person he is I feel quite lonely and isolated in any of my 3 houses to be honest. It's just a bad coincidence I think that there's a problem everywhere I go. Makes me wonder if I am the problem? Who knows?

I'm kind of glad that I'm starting to feel better now but I know that horrible mood is going to come back soon, it feels like a whole other personality because it's so strong. I'm not sure what I can change to break the cycle

Thanks for your reply!