Still stuck on a memory 2 years ago

LegacyUser

Hello. Before I used to live in a homeless hostel for people aged 18-25. It was OK for the first 8 months, but then some travellers arrived. They used to be playing with knives and when passing by rooms I was in used to say "I'm going to get you" while in a hoodie and make noises like a person was being stabbed.

The thing is I am not a violent or a scumbag, and these 3 people were. As a result the man who worked at the hostel used to completely disregard what they were doing, even when I complained of what was happening. At times during a cooking class a scumbag would be playing with a big kitchen knife and looking at me smiling. I mentioned this and the staff man said one time "It is not on camera, plus no-one else said it happened" then the next time "I'm sure he was only acting bravo in front of his buddies", so he was acknowleding it but he wasn't at the same time.

Aswell as that, I was singing in the same class and that was reported. One time aswell I stared at one of the scumbags during a meeting because I was worried and had loads of tension. Weeks later a meeting was called (because of more tension) and the 3 scummers were on one side of the table and me there on the other. He brought up the singing "I heard about that" and the staring "you did that" But he never said anything about when the scum where flashing the knife to me, or when I mentioned they were saying "I'm going to get you" in a hoodie. He said "I'm sure they were only messing" before and disregarded it completely. But one night I was taking sleeping pills to get to sleep (I was on 60MG prozac at the same time too, plus risperdal) and one of them kept ringing me up at 3AM calling me names. I called up while out of it, I had taken my standard medication plus sleeping pills, and he kept shouting at me. I gave him one punch and walked away.

The next day though the man on staff said the incident had been reported and I was getting kicked out. I didn't in the end due to very fortuative circumstance, but in a time frame I had only 2 weeks left to move out. At this meeting the man made fun out my medication saying "I think it doesn't suit you" and in response to me wanting some counselling he said "You will be able to get some cheap counselling now" as well as insulting when I was in a psychiatric unit over my depression. A girl who was working there on work experience was sniggling while the man was speaking. I eventually got an extra bit of time to stay there but the scumbags who were saying they were going to stab me and flashing bit knives never got pulled or anything. I know they had past offences but I just had a bit of trouble at my home. But he was like "A fella resident..." when refeering to them. Like it was all "Fantasy Island" and we where a cut from the same cloth. All the time speaking in his "official" tone. He never broke out of that tone, underneath he knew the difference big time.

The thoughts still go around in my head very regularly, Going back to the camera in the kitchen, there is a camera in the kitchen which records it, but there is a big pillar in the kitchen and the camera can't see behind that it. So I would come in from the back and the scumbag would be holding a massive kitchen knife in his hand and have a big grin on his face, staring at me, almost saying "LOOK AT THIS, I can do this to you" but he would be behind the pillar and putting on a half grin-smile. That thought stays in my head. The place was mainly for scumbags, so I was almost only the one non-criminal there and they knew that. There were 3 of them there, as they all know each other because they are family or from crimes-dealing. That is why I was out-numbered. I didn't know any friends who dealt drugs or committed burglaries, etc. I was only there because I had a domestic dispute with my Dad (a qualified carpenter) and I had to find a place to live.

What should I do? I still re-live being at the table and the man on staff mocking me, I still re-live the scummer holding the big kitchen knife starting at me after saying he was going to get me, I still re-live the man saying at a man "we heard you were singing" and "we heard you were looking at him" and him saying "ya man was only acting bravo with the knive" in his official tone. I still have those thoughts inside me, and grab my kitchen knives sometimes when I get really fumed up over them. I like Hip-Hop, but when a violent songs plays those thoughts spin around in my head. Those were from 2 years ago though.

Frowzy

I'm sorry OP but I don't think anyone here is qualified enough to help you.

You've been through a lot, you've had your confidence undermined considerably and at a time when you were already extremely vulnerable.

I have concerns that a negative or flippant comment may push you over the edge. Please please speak to your GP about how your feeling and he/she will advise you on how to move on.

Please remember that no one incident shapes our lives, and you can move past this!

Best Wishes for the future.

Ickle Magoo

If you are having flashbacks then I think you best contacting your GP or nearest counselling services and working with a professional to move on.

You've tried to deal with it for two years now, I think it's time to get some help from someone who is qualified to help people who have been through a traumatic experience.

If you need to speak to someone in the meantime, you may find some useful contacts here.

All the very best.

LegacyUser

hello, op here.

I don't really get flashbacks, it's just I am unemplyoed and have loads of spare time, and I spend some of it thinking about the 3 people, why they didn't get punished. But around the same period I was hanging around with another undesirable who I met in the hostel and he slept with my 1st cousin who was 22 years old and already had 2 children and no father. I was 21 years old at the time and had low confidence. My cousin who is a w**** slept with him the 1st night after she saw him and I was sleeping in the bedroom next door. For a 21 year old fella with low confidence, to be putting up with this type of stuff. (BTW, the same fella ending up selling heroin to people he knew before and threatened me verbally "You're a dead man walking")

Then you have fellas in there who think they are above ya, from their point they know they are above ya even though they are undesirables. The pit of society.

BTW I am off all medication for well more than a year, it is completely free from my system. I can think very clearly and I have been using affirmations often to build my confidence for the last year and a half. I can feel my confidence changing a lot inside of me. Plus regards violence I have never assaulted a person before, need I say use a weapon.