Boyfriend hit me tonight

needadvice1

My boyfriend hit me tonight. It was the first time, and it wasn't hard, but it was a clenched fist in the face all the same.
I'm going to try to be as honest as I can here about the backround and circumstances.
We have been together for almost three years, living together for about two. I am in my final year in uni and he is unemployed. At first I didn't mind that he was unemployed - I was myself when we first met, and I know that things are hard at the moment. The thing is, he has made zero effort to get work. He says he is starting a FAS course soon, but I think this is only to keep SW off his back. He opted for an evening course miles away rather than a local course that starts at 9am. Most days, he lies in bed all day, every day. It is the most depressing thing when I come home from college and he is still in bed. Worse still, when I am in the house studying and he is in bed. He also drinks a lot, and will not admit that this may be a problem.
He doesn't have many friends, and is very critical of everyone that he knows, as if he is superior to them. He also says about people who are successful that they are money obsessed and that he prides himself on not being that way...more self justification for his shortcomings.
Anyway, we row often. He always starts it, usually by criticising me. He has accused me of seeing other people (I haven't and he knows this). In the past he has called me fat. He will sometimes get angry over the slightest thing, like me leaving a cup unwashed.

He often accuses me of not doing enough around the house, which started tonights row. Sure, I could do more but as I am busy with college and he is unemployed why shouldn't he take on the main role in the home? Am I unreasonable to think this? He thinks I am, and always says what would happen if he was in college/working? I said tonight that if that was the case, we would sort out a comprise as most working couples do.

I will say that when we row, I have struck out and slapped him. I didn't tonight though I did push him. I asked him to leave when we were rowing, as I have an essay due on Monday and don't want to be upset when trying to write it. He refused, voices were raised. I tried to push him, and he hit me. He also locked me in the kitchen, but let me out after a minute as he said my screaming would be an embarrassment to the neighbours.

Things haven't been great for a while. I can't remember the last time we were intimate. And yes, I have often fantasised about leaving him. I was doing a bit of that today before he got up at 9pm, just in time for the off licence. However, I don't know how to leave. We are tied into a lease together, although I would forego my deposit just to get out. I have two small dogs though, and a limited budget, although I saw some half decent garden apartments advertised that I could just about afford. Moving back to my parents is not an option, as their place is too small and too far from college. I really don't need to be dealing with this right now. I have had to get extensions on college work already because of the stress of the relationship.

I know what I need to do, its just doing it. I guess Im a bit scared to leave as I haven't been on my own for a while, and bad as things are, there are all those shared experiences, good times. It makes me sad to think of letting all that go, but the relationship is going nowhere.

Sorry for such a long post. I can't tell my friends this yet. I just needed to get this off my chest somehow.

Frowzy

Well done You! You've got it off your chest and now it's out there!

Now make a cup of tea and come back and read your post again as if it were someone else's and think what advice you'd give someone in the same position.

It's a decision only you can make! So Best of Luck x

IrishEyes19

I don't know what to say, OP, I dont want to sound harsh. But you shouldnt hit your boyfriend, or be violent and he shouldnt hit you. Its hard to judge something from a mere post, but you sound very incompatible, if violence occurs between you both, then its not working. Regardless of the economic situation, it sounds as though you should seperate for the time being, that should be your first priority.

ABajaninCork

Leave. NOW. If he raised his hand to you once, he'll do it again, and it'll be worse next time. Trust me on this one. No matter what the provocation, NO MAN should raise his hand to a woman. That makes him a bully and a coward, not a man. Mind you, you shouldn't be hitting him either.

Pack a bag. Is there somewhere you can go to, in order to get your head together? Even if it's just a few bits, leave. You can always go back at a later date with a couple of male friends/relatives if needed.

It's better to be on your own, than to put up with the drinking, rows and violence.

zimmermania

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I don't know what to say, OP, I dont want to sound harsh. But you shouldnt hit your boyfriend, or be violent and he shouldnt hit you. Its hard to judge something from a mere post, but you sound very incompatible, if violence occurs between you both, then its not working. Regardless of the economic situation, it sounds as though you should seperate for the time being, that should be your first priority.

theres only one thing you can do,go as quick as you can tell your best friend or someone you can trust and try not to be alone.This guy seems dangerous.

IrishEyes19

zimmermania wrote: »

theres only one thing you can do,go as quick as you can tell your best friend or someone you can trust and try not to be alone.This guy seems dangerous.

have to say, both of them are dangerous, the OP said herself, she hit him first in other fights, and this was his first time. time bomb ticking here, OP, one of you could hurt each other badly. would make sense for you to leave and get fresh air and new life. away from all the drama and explosiveness I think

Darlughda

Get out now. Don't end up in a graveyard. Women's aid. Google. Get away as fast as you can.

Kevin Duffy

Given the patern of your relationship so far, I don't know why you were together up to now. The fact that mutual violence is part of your relationship, you shouldn't be together any longer.

StillWaters

This sounds like a dreadful, unhealthy, toxic relationship, in which both of you are deeply unhappy.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

HugoDrax

OP, he is a lazy good for nothing drunken scumbag.
Dump him, go back to your parents for your own sake, leave this loser and don't look back.

Setun

As others have said: leave now. You should have seriously thought long and hard about the relationship the day you hit him, but that does not excuse him at all for hitting you tonight. You haven't been intimate, you have been violent towards each other, and there seems to be no attempt at reconciliation or understanding between you judging by your original post. Romantic memories confined to some time in the distant past are poor reasons to stay in a relationship that is emtionally and physically damaging to both parties.

LegacyUser

OP,
You're as bad as one another. You've brought violence into the household and he escalated it. It can only get worse from here.

That said, I don't think it should be a deal breaker. Violence is a natural reaction to confrontation and many resort to it when in a high strung situation.

I would suggest that you go and talk to a third part counseling service about controlling your aggression. You should also outline your feelings on his attitude towards life/motivation and put in place an agreement that he will follow to get himself back up on his feet. If he doesn't stick to this, leave.

As I said, it's not a deal breaker and it can be sorted out, but with it, everything else surrounding it has to be sorted out, mainly his outlook on life at the moment. I can empathize with those suffering from depression and those who've been unemployed, so I know how it feels, and believe me the loss of routine is soul destroying. He needs to get back on his feet and get up every morning regardless of if he has something to do or not.

If he has nothing planned for the day, he should be looking after the household duties. It'd give him something to work and take his mind of the situation. Any guy feels chuffed when he's cleaned up his space or house, despite how they may feel going into it.

So yeah, get him sorted and talk to a counsellor about learning to control your emotions together. Should be fine.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Don't stay in this relationship as things will get worse. You should move back with your parents and save some money. At the moment you have a bad relationship, your college work is suffering and you are short of money.
If you leave him and go back home for a while you can get your college work back on track.
Don't let this spoil the future you could have.

aidan24326

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Leave. NOW. If he raised his hand to you once, he'll do it again, and it'll be worse next time. Trust me on this one. No matter what the provocation, NO MAN should raise his hand to a woman. That makes him a bully and a coward, not a man. Mind you, you shouldn't be hitting him either.

Exactly. There's a pair of them in it in that regard.

To be honest OP I think there's more than enough wrong with your relationship to warrant ending it even aside from him hitting you. He's lazy, he criticizes you all the time, lies in bed all day and you have little or no sex life. It doesn't sound like you're getting much that's positive out of this.

Taltos

OP - you are both as bad as each other.

This relationship needs to end formally now.
Violence - any violence is the the bane of a healthy relationship.
Let's break it down:

1. He is mentally / emotionally abusive.
2. Potentially an alcoholic
3. Total layabout
4. You are physically abusive towards him
5. He is now phsically abusive to you

I mean - what do you have to stay for?
A mortage / pets - neither of these are reasons to stay in a relationship. Both are excuses. Get the hell out of there or get him out. But either way get out now.
Would also suggest you see someone about learning how to appropriately deal with stress in relationships. Pushing someone is NOT appropriate in any world. However no matter what you may have done to him - NOTHING excuses him hitting you either.
You are both equally responsible for where you are now - and so only YOU can get out of this mess. This relationship is already over - so just leave, otherwise the violence is going to escalate - how will you explain that your next submission is late as you spent the night in ER.

Also - locking you in the kitchen is a criminal offence op...
I think it can be classified under kidnapping or somesuch - you may want to seek legal advice on that especially if you now fear for yourself.

Sound Bite

OP Get out & get out now.

It may be the first time he hit you but I doubt it will be the last. By staying you are telling him this is acceptable behaviour. He will hit you again and again and again.

Do you want to live your life bruised and battered and living in fear?
Do you want to be the woman desperately attempting to cover her bruises so nobody else finds out?
Do you want to be the women whose murder we hear about in the news?

Thats the way you'll end up because this man cannot control his temper.

You have no reason to stay. From your post, there are at loads of reasons you should have left him already, no intimacy, regular insults, no contribution to the household, etc. before he ever laid a hand on you.

Why would you accept this?

As for the post that said it wasn't a dealbreaker:eek:, I will never understand that. It is for most normal people because they value themselves more than that.

Esoteric_

Not to be rude (and I'm really sorry for what you're going through) - but what did you expect? Yeah he's a lazy layabout, but did you really expect to be able to hit him when you argue and NOT have him hit you back?

You're the one who started the domestic abuse, this is the consequence. Get out before you both hurt each other because tbh you're as bad as each other. You started the violence, now end it by leaving.

Joey the lips

You strike me as both being under a lot of stress. My wife and i were in the same both for differet reasons(although no hitting, just a lot of rows)

We went to the doctor. perhaps your doctor might suggest council for you both or either of you.

Only you can know if deep down the relationship is worth saving or if its time to call it a day.

However there should never be violence in any relationship. Although thats not saying it does not happen. Its just down to how you resolve it.

CDfm

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

What Permabear has said is sound practical advice.

OP there is no excuse for violence in a relationship from either of you.

50% of all domestic violence situations are mutual violence and like it or not you introduced the concept into your relationship and the shock for you is that he retaliated but you initiated the violence. How verbally abusive are you and how would you describe the build-up and aftermath of these episodes -you mentioned screaming.

Neither of you is entitled to hit the other and if you were my partner I would have applied for a safety order or barring order the first time it happened. You do not say how physical you have been in the past but you are responsible for your part in it. Like it or not hitting anyone in a relationship is about power and has an affect on the victims self esteem.

I dont think you would have posted here about hitting you boyfriend but you have posted about him hitting back.

If he is drinking a lot and staying in bed he may be suffering from depression and should see his GP.

If the house is a tip you try to agree to do the clean up together -you have a full life at college and he does not. Maybe he does not like cleaning up after your dogs either.

Maybe he is not intimate because you hit him.

Maybe the FAS course will stimulate him intellectually and socially.

He may be a lazy slob but you need to get it out of your head that you are the victim here and if you do leave and enter another relationship you need to get it into your head that that initiating domestic violence is always wrong as are screaming tantrums. Did you see it at home.You need to unlearn that behavior as it is so wrong.

I do wish you both well and there is a recession on and it is not easy and it sounds to me that neither of you are bad people.

BraziliaNZ

HugoDrax wrote: »

OP, he is a lazy good for nothing drunken scumbag.
Dump him, go back to your parents for your own sake, leave this loser and don't look back.

Why should there be double standards here? The girl brought the violence into the home. If you're going to lash out and slap your other half during arguments, sooner or later they'll start to think it's a valid way of getting your point across. Your hyperbole could be directed at either of them.

Count Duckula

Taking the physical violence part out of the equation because others have addressed that well-enough already, could he possibly be depressed? I know this sounds like I'm giving him excuses, but seriously the markers are all there.

He's talking down to other people, but is unwilling to change his life for the better. He's lethargic, won't get up. He's drinking heavily. He's content to live in filth.

Has he changed to become this way since you got together? I'm going to assume he wasn't like this when you met otherwise what possessed you to move in with him in the first place?

I think you need to have a long conversation with him and perhaps broach this subject. He'll probably obejct, but the indicators all appear to be there.

Milky Moo

If all you deal with is problems,then you have a problem relationships.

You are making each other miserable, you should call it a day. Ye shouldn't stay together because it is the easy thing to do.

I agree with other posters, you slapping and pushing him was like poking a bear. Eventually he was going to lash out, I don't condone violence but I can understand it to some extent.

CDfm

I wonder who the OP could talk to about her part in all this. She has been very truthful.

Its at times like this I hate the gender based services we have in this country.

Could a group like www.amen.ie suggest anyone if she called them and explained her situation.

LC2010HIS

Hey OP

From the sounds of it, your relationship has run its course and your both at different levels and on different paths.

Locking you in the kitchen, picking on you over unwashed cups(aka petty things) and hitting you, and you pushing him, all signs of abuse and screams frustration and unhappiness...

Ive seen it before. And unfortunately it doesnt change. You both need to sit down when your both calm and admit its over.

Ive learnt from fellow boardsies that you should have a standard/limit. Whats yours? Do you accept his behaviour? Not contributing? Ok, maybe with the economy the way it is, he cant help it, but at least get up and contribute to something ie helping out somewhere or even in your home! Staying in bed all day EVERYDAY is simply unacceptable IMO especially with yer responsibilites of a home etc..

You need to walk away now and call it a day.


Can you stay with parents or friends? Relatives?



Good luck

carolinespring

needadvice1 wrote: »

My boyfriend hit me tonight. It was the first time, and it wasn't hard, but it was a clenched fist in the face all the same.
I'm going to try to be as honest as I can here about the backround and circumstances.
We have been together for almost three years, living together for about two. I am in my final year in uni and he is unemployed. At first I didn't mind that he was unemployed - I was myself when we first met, and I know that things are hard at the moment. The thing is, he has made zero effort to get work. He says he is starting a FAS course soon, but I think this is only to keep SW off his back. He opted for an evening course miles away rather than a local course that starts at 9am. Most days, he lies in bed all day, every day. It is the most depressing thing when I come home from college and he is still in bed. Worse still, when I am in the house studying and he is in bed. He also drinks a lot, and will not admit that this may be a problem.
He doesn't have many friends, and is very critical of everyone that he knows, as if he is superior to them. He also says about people who are successful that they are money obsessed and that he prides himself on not being that way...more self justification for his shortcomings.
Anyway, we row often. He always starts it, usually by criticising me. He has accused me of seeing other people (I haven't and he knows this). In the past he has called me fat. He will sometimes get angry over the slightest thing, like me leaving a cup unwashed.

He often accuses me of not doing enough around the house, which started tonights row. Sure, I could do more but as I am busy with college and he is unemployed why shouldn't he take on the main role in the home? Am I unreasonable to think this? He thinks I am, and always says what would happen if he was in college/working? I said tonight that if that was the case, we would sort out a comprise as most working couples do.

I will say that when we row, I have struck out and slapped him. I didn't tonight though I did push him. I asked him to leave when we were rowing, as I have an essay due on Monday and don't want to be upset when trying to write it. He refused, voices were raised. I tried to push him, and he hit me. He also locked me in the kitchen, but let me out after a minute as he said my screaming would be an embarrassment to the neighbours.

Things haven't been great for a while. I can't remember the last time we were intimate. And yes, I have often fantasised about leaving him. I was doing a bit of that today before he got up at 9pm, just in time for the off licence. However, I don't know how to leave. We are tied into a lease together, although I would forego my deposit just to get out. I have two small dogs though, and a limited budget, although I saw some half decent garden apartments advertised that I could just about afford. Moving back to my parents is not an option, as their place is too small and too far from college. I really don't need to be dealing with this right now. I have had to get extensions on college work already because of the stress of the relationship.

I know what I need to do, its just doing it. I guess Im a bit scared to leave as I haven't been on my own for a while, and bad as things are, there are all those shared experiences, good times. It makes me sad to think of letting all that go, but the relationship is going nowhere.

Sorry for such a long post. I can't tell my friends this yet. I just needed to get this off my chest somehow.

My Dad always drummed it into me that any man who hits a woman is not a patch on a man a***. that the first time he hits you its shame on him but the second ime he hits you its shame on you. So pack your bags and get the hell out. No second chances or sorry. Just go. You deserve so much more than a man who hits you and when he did it once, most lightly he will again. It goes both ways you have slapped him and that is also not on. Sounds like you are not good for each other and time to call it a day. I would also suggest that you talk to someone to help you move on.

BraziliaNZ

carolinespring wrote: »

My Dad always drummed it into me that any man who hits a woman is not a patch on a man a***. that the first time he hits you its shame on him but the second ime he hits you its shame on you. So pack your bags and get the hell out. No second chances or sorry. Just go. You deserve so much more than a man who hits you and when he did it once, most lightly he will again. It goes both ways you have slapped him and that is also not on. Sounds like you are not good for each other and time to call it a day. I would also suggest that you talk to someone to help you move on.

Sounds like she's been hitting him a lot more. She's worse than him.

CDfm

@carolinespring your dad is right but equally did you ever see your Mum hit your Dad.I dont imagine your Dad envisaged that you would initiate the violence.

I am interested in your take on the OP hitting her partner as in 50% of DV incidents is mutual and in the other 50% half are initiated by the woman.

IMO -DV is always wrong whoever initiates it. You could read the OP as justifying why he deserved a slap.

So what do you suggest she does on her anger and violence issues ?

carolinespring

CDfm wrote: »

@carolinespring your dad is right but equally did you ever see your Mum hit your Dad.I dont imagine your Dad envisaged that you would initiate the violence.

I am interested in your take on the OP hitting her partner as in 50% of DV incidents is mutual and in the other 50% half are initiated by the woman.

IMO -DV is always wrong whoever initiates it. You could read the OP as justifying why he deserved a slap.

So what do you suggest she does on her anger and violence issues ?

As I said in my post it is not on for her to hit him. Wrong on both counts. They need to get the hell away from each other and BOTH sort out whatever issues they have.

I dont know the figures for male/female dV but believe it to be totally wrong regardless of who dose it..

tomombo

needadvice1 wrote: »

My boyfriend hit me tonight. It was the first time, and it wasn't hard, but it was a clenched fist in the face all the same.
I'm going to try to be as honest as I can here about the backround and circumstances.
We have been together for almost three years, living together for about two. I am in my final year in uni and he is unemployed. At first I didn't mind that he was unemployed - I was myself when we first met, and I know that things are hard at the moment. The thing is, he has made zero effort to get work. He says he is starting a FAS course soon, but I think this is only to keep SW off his back. He opted for an evening course miles away rather than a local course that starts at 9am. Most days, he lies in bed all day, every day. It is the most depressing thing when I come home from college and he is still in bed. Worse still, when I am in the house studying and he is in bed. He also drinks a lot, and will not admit that this may be a problem.
He doesn't have many friends, and is very critical of everyone that he knows, as if he is superior to them. He also says about people who are successful that they are money obsessed and that he prides himself on not being that way...more self justification for his shortcomings.
Anyway, we row often. He always starts it, usually by criticising me. He has accused me of seeing other people (I haven't and he knows this). In the past he has called me fat. He will sometimes get angry over the slightest thing, like me leaving a cup unwashed.

He often accuses me of not doing enough around the house, which started tonights row. Sure, I could do more but as I am busy with college and he is unemployed why shouldn't he take on the main role in the home? Am I unreasonable to think this? He thinks I am, and always says what would happen if he was in college/working? I said tonight that if that was the case, we would sort out a comprise as most working couples do.

I will say that when we row, I have struck out and slapped him. I didn't tonight though I did push him. I asked him to leave when we were rowing, as I have an essay due on Monday and don't want to be upset when trying to write it. He refused, voices were raised. I tried to push him, and he hit me. He also locked me in the kitchen, but let me out after a minute as he said my screaming would be an embarrassment to the neighbours.

Things haven't been great for a while. I can't remember the last time we were intimate. And yes, I have often fantasised about leaving him. I was doing a bit of that today before he got up at 9pm, just in time for the off licence. However, I don't know how to leave. We are tied into a lease together, although I would forego my deposit just to get out. I have two small dogs though, and a limited budget, although I saw some half decent garden apartments advertised that I could just about afford. Moving back to my parents is not an option, as their place is too small and too far from college. I really don't need to be dealing with this right now. I have had to get extensions on college work already because of the stress of the relationship.

I know what I need to do, its just doing it. I guess Im a bit scared to leave as I haven't been on my own for a while, and bad as things are, there are all those shared experiences, good times. It makes me sad to think of letting all that go, but the relationship is going nowhere.

Sorry for such a long post. I can't tell my friends this yet. I just needed to get this off my chest somehow.

RUN

God...

First of all I'm not condoning him he is out of order completely to hit you and should have left you ages ago before it led him to striking back. It sounds like the relationship has run it's course get out and get out now because it ain't going to change one bit and you will just continue arguing daily.

He sounds seriously depressed and obviously has a drinking problem. He sounds like he needs help but you need worry more about yourself so end it and go it's not healthy for either of you.

Also nothing makes my blood boil as the double standard bull**** of people here! At the end of the day if someone is striking out at you all the time what did you expect!? I won't go as far to say you deserved it but everyone has there limits and I'm not suprised one bit he hit you back eventually.

Your worse than him. I know girls like you they strike out at men knowing they can't strike back!! That makes you as much a coward as any man that hits a women in my book.People may disagree but it's true.

Then you run crying to the internet when you get it back!! Kop on!!! He's terrible but mainly for staying so long he hit you back!!!

Witchie

Any decision made OP? I had a similar situation so if you want to talk, pm me.