I'm not moving on at all

LegacyUser

Hi, posting here again unreg.

My reason for posting is I feel a little sad. Not sad in the way that I need counselling, but said that things haven't worked the way I'd like them to have.

Long story short, met a guy who I fell for greatly, thought he felt the same, but he ended it after we didnt see each other a for a bit, and I moved on sort of. He contacted me again a while later and we resumed a sexual relationship, as well as talking about things and well what I was hoping would lead to a relationship. It didnt. I asked him upfront if he would take it to the next level and commit, and well what I got back was that he really liked me, but did not see himself in a relationship for a long time. I ended therefore, but he contacted me again a few weeks later, I saw him again and nothing sexual occured between us, but we would talk a lot, I would go over and I would talk about deep issues with him and so on.

Anyway I brought up the relationship question again and once again was shot down, but he begged me not to go, to remain friends, that the only reason he didnt try anything on with me, was because he didnt want me to feel he using me for merely that. said he really cared about me, liked me. But didnt want a relationship AGAIN. So I told him we couldnt be friends and we havent spoken for over a month now. Neither of us have deleted each other off facebook, and I havent deleted him number and please dont tell me to, because I cant. I just cant.

I guess Im ranting here, but the point is, Im miserable. Ive tried numerous time to get over him, when it ended before, but I know this time its for real. and Im struggling. I really feel Ive met the person who made me very happy but also very angry as he was difficult, sometimes withdrawn, moody and cold, but at his best he was smart, funny and I felt happy around him. . And as for being attracted to other men, Im not. I just compare. I truly feel I've lost the person I wanted to be with and moreso it was my own decision. But I couldnt go on with a casual relationship either. The only thing I can hold true right now is that I was decent throughout my whole time with him, honest and respectable and he knows that, and that even when it ended painfully for me. The next day when I went home, we were still chatting to each other, before I had to tell him I couldnt remain friends, it was too painful.

I just wonder do men ever regret this???? Im not trying to wish for things that wont happen or generalize. But it feels Im even beyond heartbreak at this stage. Im not even crying anymore, I actually cant. I guess Im looking for people with similiar experiences, stories of hope or even stories of moving on. Im certainly not trying to change things either, I get the whole "he's just not that into you," thing. But I never contacted him again when it ended other times, it was always him. He had ample oppertunities to finish it if he felt I was falling for him, and in the end it was me who did this, he was happy to carry on as things were. I know I deserve a man who wants to commit. But it truly feels no good if it isnt him. Somedays I curse the day I met him and at the same time, I truly want the best for him. I hope he's happy and doing well.

Well sorry for the rant of a post. Any thoughts appreciated

BraziliaNZ

Hi. Speaking as a man who has been in the object of your affections position before, I really think this is going nowhere. He likes the attention he's getting from you but he's not really into you. If he was things would happen. It's as simple as that. Most men want relationships etc as much as women do, but he just doesn't want it with you. It wont change, and as soon as someone he's properly into comes along, you'll probably never hear from him again. He contacts you because he wants female attention probably.
Something I'm not proud of but I strung along a girl for well over a year before, showing up drunk the odd time, then not contacting for weeks etc, while she was telling me she loved me etc. I liked her, but it was NEVER going to happen with her, and I was always looking for someone more suitable.
Life's a bitch I'm afraid, but you really need to stop talking to this guy. You CAN delete his number, be strong.

I am a friend

You are wallowing in your own misery. He has been keeping you around for sex and made it clear that he does not want a relationship with you.

You can sit and wallow and waste years of your life pining for someone who does not want you or you can close the door on a relationship which was negative for you.

You are leaving a door open for him to come back by not taking him off Facebook but if you do want to mOve on then choose to...
I am not a fan of the fwb scenarios exactly for this reason - one person often holds all the cards sO going forward maybe you need to realise that fwb does not work for you either and just make sure you don't get into this position again

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

I am not a fan of the fwb scenarios exactly for this reason - one person often holds all the cards sO going forward maybe you need to realise that fwb does not work for you either and just make sure you don't get into this position again

Yeah same here. They are a huge waste of time. If you want someone enough to sleep with them then you should also want them enough to have a relationship - and if you don't then why sleep with someone you don't really want?

They just distract from finding a quality relationship. You have to close the door on this one I'm afraid. It's the only way you're going to meet someone new. Take him at his word. He doesn't want a relationship - with you. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Been there myself, it's hell, but in a few or two you'll be obsessed with someone else, and hopefully they will also be obsessed with you.

miec

Hi Op

I think to begin with you should be proud of yourself that you have not dropped your values in recent times and had sex with him, keep that in mind.

I was with someone for over two years and looking back I was more clingy and he was more withdrawn, yes you can live with someone but they are not with you in reality. It was a long, slow drawn out break up because like you I could not let go and I boosted his ego. I can understand that now. I was also handing all of the control to him.

The only way in my experience to move on is to delete all contact, delete phone numbers, facebook stuff, hide photos (if any) delete all corrsepondance in whatever form and do not engage in any communication with him. You owe this to yourself and then mourn, give yourself plenty of time to mourn, howl, cry and write out how you feel, I am going through the mourning process (still after six months) but it is necessary. You will get through this but you need to put yourself first and quit letting him make all the decisions.

seenitall

Hey OP,

just want to let you know that there is, in fact, a different perspective to this than what you have got so far. I have been in the same place, with the same type of guy as the situation you are going through, and several times as well (I have a knack for bad boys and commitment-phobes). The thing is, in my experience, it just usually is NOT about "He's just not that into YOU". I admit that is a catchy soundbite, but I haven't found it to be true at all with the guys I have been with;

this type of man more than likely is giving you all that he is emotionally capable of giving (so, not just after sex, because he would have tried it on otherwise, instead of complicating matters for himself in bringing up the calamities of fwb situation), so I think it is truly pointless, cruel and very possibly way off the mark for anyone on here to be telling you that he is just waiting for someone better to come along, and hey presto, he will turn from a cold, moody commitment-phobe into an all-giving, all-caring, responsible and commited lover. In fairy tales perhaps.

I am just talking from experience with having gone through exactly the same feelings you are going through - I recognise them so well, especially the pride in having conducted myself well and soundly throughout the experiences. The truth is that, unless a break-up was particularly bad, a good time after having gone our separate ways, every one of these men came back to me saying: "I should have stayed with you", or wanting me back (which I haven't indulged so far and I don't intend to, obviously). That is by way of answer to your question: do men ever regret this? Yes, they do. If your guy is not entirely stupid he will sooner or later realise what he let slip through his fingers, and he will be sorry about it. It is important that by that time you be over him completely and don't entertain even the mere idea of going back there. The reason for this is because this type of man is incapable of a healthy relationship; they are permanently scared of losing their freedom, and the only way to keep them interested in you is to deny them your care and attention (as I have found out again and again... and again ). Which is obviously untenable for any kind of loving, long-term relationship.

I think your attitude is admirable, OP, and what I can read between the lines of your post is the acceptance of the nature of this kind of thing in life; it is no-one's fault. It is about incompatibility. You and this guy are incompatible now, and you will very likely still be incompatible by the time you meet someone who will be the right fit for you. In essence, you have lost nothing, as there wasn't anything to lose in the first place. Let that be of comfort to you.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

If you really want to move on, and it sounds like you do, you're just really struggling with the final steps, you NEED to cut him out completely. He is never the one that's going to do this, he, for his own selfish reasons enjoys being able to have all the benefits of a deep relationship without being tied to you, and you keep giving this to him, so why would he stop contact? You are never going to be able to get what you want from this man. You need to tell him never to contact you again,under any circumstances, delete and block facebook, delete phone number.
You say you cant seem to move on, but have you given yourself a fair chance to? He has not really left you at all, the contact continues, so how are, and how could you ever move on from a great love like that when casual contact continues? Everyone will compare to him, because he is still in your life.
I have a friend very much in this situation as well, and it kills me to see her go through this. Any time she seems to start moving on a phone call or text will come through and she's back to the starting point.
Give yourself a fair chance, and stop contact. Give yourself time to heal from him. You WILL move on from this man, life will get great again. Great love CAN happen again, but you need to give yourself time for this.
But please stop clinging to something that clearly no longer works for you, this is entirely in your hands how long you want this to go on for.
Best of luck op.

DOBBER112

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I have been in your shoes before

What worked for me was accepting that the guy didn't want what I wanted and nothing was going to change that. I knew I was holding on, but once i accepted he would never change, I knew I had to move on and get on with my life.

There is no mad rush to find another man.

You need to take some time out to be on your own and be happy with that.

I know you saw this man as your future, but he clearly didn't feel the same. People can make all kinds of excuses for not committing, but really, all that you need to focus on is that he won't - not the reason why, as it really is irrelevant.

You'll be fine, girl...

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and know that there are men out there that would love to commit to you It may just take a while to find them.

Take care and be kind to yourself xx

Great post

thecookingapple

some simple questions answered.

Did he fight tooth and nail to keep you? no

Did he after telling you there was no hope for a relationship do the decent thing and cut contact? no

Did he sooth his own feelings by having ''deep and meaningful'' talks with you knowing well he could not give you what you wanted? yes

Did he make you feel like you are the most wonderful person he has ever met? no

He is not for you, someone else is, forgive, forget and live life.

Good luck.