im a screwup

LegacyUser

3 years ago i met this amazing woman at a friends wedding, i was groomsman for my friend getting married and she was bridesmaid for her friend who was bride. I was a really lonely person and afraid to chance anything but 7 months after the wedding i bucked up the courage to ask her out.

We had a long distance relationship for some time as we were both at opposite ends of the country, but eventually due to circumstances i was made redundant and got the chance to move closer to her so we could be together.

So moving onto a year and half together i decided it was the right time to ask her to marry me even though we had not lived together, i felt it was the right thing to do. After some time it was getting to me we not spending enough time together and i started at her to get her hours changed at work so we could have more time together.

And i started pushing her on various fronts for different things, i didnt realise how demanding, abusive i was getting. I became very quick to anger for the stupidest things and took it out on the woman i love instead of talking things though.

Things came to a head the other day when i got very abusive with her cos she was sick and again we hadnt seen each other in 2 weeks which was unfair for me to do and land on her plate.

And now im here without a fiancee, without the woman i love and without a clue how to fix it. I apologised more than i ever have in my life, talked to some people to find ways to control my anger but she is not responding to me.

I messed up badly, i was at fault, i admit this, but i love her so much and need her back in my life. I dont know what im doing, i cant stop thinking of how i can try to fix this and its killing me inside. I dont know why im even writing this here, maybe someone else can give me an idea of what i can do i dont know.

IrishEyes19

first thing you do, is give her some space, OP, she's upset and hurt right now and you need to back off a little. Give it a while, and send her a calm message in a few weeks. Right now she's cooling down from all the drama.

HugoDrax

It's over OP. You blew it so face up to that, find someone else and don't make the same mistakes again. Next time you fall in love don't be abusive and so insensitive. It's not the end of the world. There are lots more fish in the sea.

santana75

imascrewup wrote: »

3 years ago i met this amazing woman at a friends wedding, i was groomsman for my friend getting married and she was bridesmaid for her friend who was bride. I was a really lonely person and afraid to chance anything but 7 months after the wedding i bucked up the courage to ask her out.

We had a long distance relationship for some time as we were both at opposite ends of the country, but eventually due to circumstances i was made redundant and got the chance to move closer to her so we could be together.

So moving onto a year and half together i decided it was the right time to ask her to marry me even though we had not lived together, i felt it was the right thing to do. After some time it was getting to me we not spending enough time together and i started at her to get her hours changed at work so we could have more time together.

And i started pushing her on various fronts for different things, i didnt realise how demanding, abusive i was getting. I became very quick to anger for the stupidest things and took it out on the woman i love instead of talking things though.

Things came to a head the other day when i got very abusive with her cos she was sick and again we hadnt seen each other in 2 weeks which was unfair for me to do and land on her plate.

And now im here without a fiancee, without the woman i love and without a clue how to fix it. I apologised more than i ever have in my life, talked to some people to find ways to control my anger but she is not responding to me.

I messed up badly, i was at fault, i admit this, but i love her so much and need her back in my life. I dont know what im doing, i cant stop thinking of how i can try to fix this and its killing me inside. I dont know why im even writing this here, maybe someone else can give me an idea of what i can do i dont know.

Stop apologising for a start. Yes you screwed up but whats done is done, the relationship is over and no amount of saying youre sorry will fix things. The only thing you can do is deal with the issues you have that caused you to act the way you did. Sounds like you put all your stock into another person. You held her responsible for filling some kind of void in your life, and she may have done this to some degree. But the problem is when you try to use other people to fill that void you become completely dependant upon them, which is a bad situation to be in because then you start to become controlling and overly emotional when that person doesnt act the way you'd like them to act.
Like I said theres a void and the only person who can fill that hole is you. And until you do you'll be doomed to repeat the same pattern again. Do yourself a favour, stay away from relationships for now and take the time to do some work on yourself. Figure out what makes you tick, what drives you to do the things you do. When you gain this insight into yourself then you'll be in a healty position to be in a relationship with another person.

LegacyUser

I would echo the advice given above, you need to give her space after what's she's been through (not meaning to be harsh, but it must've been tough on her).

And tbh, by the sounds of it you need to sort yourself out before you think about being in a relationship with anyone anyway. Talk to counsellor or somebody you trust and deal with your anger first. That way if you do ever get the chance to try it again in the future you can show her with actions, not words, that you've changed.

krd

imascrewup wrote: »

Things came to a head the other day when i got very abusive with her cos she was sick and again we hadnt seen each other in 2 weeks which was unfair for me to do and land on her plate.

You sound like a very unpleasant person. It's not someone's fault if they get sick. Getting angry with someone over being sick really shows a nastiness that any woman with a bit of sense would run far away from.

You may have more serious problems than just losing your girlfriend. That kind of behaviour, could indicate you have anti-social personality disorder.

If it's just childishness. You really have to take care of it. Tantrums and bullying will destroy any relationship.

LegacyUser

Ive already booked myself to meet someone to manage my anger issues. I didnt know what i was doing, i still dont and i miss her greatly.

Im not a horrible person,ive just been stupid and hurtful and ive hurt myself in process.I just want to fix things, i love her lots

LegacyUser

So here i am nearly 9 days later than my first post. I went to see psychologist other day and was finally able to get something out i had bottled up for 20 years, i was sexually abused when i was 9. This has been controlling me for so long and source of my uncontrolled anger.

Although it hurts alot to say it out it also helps a great deal too. My head is a mess atm, i cant think straight and i nearly killed myself before i saw psychologist. I dont even know why im writing this here, i suppose so just write and see it out helps me get my mind to try figure out what to do with myself.

He said first step was saying it out and thats would help me control myself, because what was done to me destroyed my ability to trust and i tried take control of everything cos control was robbed from me. I suppose i feel some bit better now its out, im not looking for sympathy, just help i need for me and help getting back with the woman i love.

Thanks for listening.

bridal

imascrewup wrote: »

Ive already booked myself to meet someone to manage my anger issues. I didnt know what i was doing, i still dont and i miss her greatly.

Im not a horrible person,ive just been stupid and hurtful and ive hurt myself in process.I just want to fix things, i love her lots

If you love her leave her alone, she needs time to think and you need space to deal with your anger issues. Once both have been done then maybe ye can talk again and start at the beginning , by the sounds of it marriage is a long way off for ye both