Ex's

rochey84

Hi guys and girls,

So I was on Facebook the other night and came across an ex from a few years ago and added him, so we've started texting now and I'm quickly realizing that I still have really really strong feelings for him. I've never forgotten him and I can't stop thinking about him today! We're gonna meet up for drinks soon. I suppose my question is this:

Is it a good idea to go for these drinks? and is it a good idea (if he still has the same feelings for me) for us to go back there? aren't ex's "ex" for a reason? Should the past be left in the past?

anotherlostie

If you are seeing someone now and are committed to him, then I would not see him for fear of the potential consequences.

If not, then why not. If I can speculate that you were born in 1984, you may have matured somewhat in the intervening years. He may have too. Loads of people get back together after a break, so you could meet up and see.

Probably best to meet in town for coffee - i.e. public setting and no alcohol so less risk of later in the night temptation:pac:

rochey84

Not a bad suggestion, and for the record, I'm single as is he (to the best of my knowledge anyway) unfortunatly he is coming up from Tipperary to meet me next weekend so he wants to go out cause he hasn't been out in a long time so I'm bringing buffers with me (my housemate and her friend) but we'll see how things go!!!!

Lorrrrraine

An ex is an ex for a reason. Why did you break up?
And it's easy for a person to seem cool at first, when you're just texting. Maybe after meeting up with him a few times you'll remember what you disliked. My advice would be not to rush into anything.

rochey84

Yeah I suppose 1 of the reasons I might still have feelings for him is cause he broke up with me 4 years ago and I never got a proper reason, so I've never really had closure! I suppose we'll just see how things go, he did tell me yesterday that he still has some feelings for me, but he couldn't explain them as like with me they may just be viewed with rose coloured glasses!

edwinkane

rochey84 wrote: »

Yeah I suppose 1 of the reasons I might still have feelings for him is cause he dumped me 4 years ago and I never got a proper reason, so I've never really had closure! I suppose we'll just see how things go, he did tell me yesterday that he still has some feelings for me, but he couldn't explain them as like with me they may just be viewed with rose coloured glasses!

He has some "feelings" for you, but he didn't have enough "feelings" for you when he, in your word, dumped you. I wound't meet anyone again who had decided to end a relationship and was unable at that time to discuss it or give a proper reason or reasons. Most of us repeat patterns and behaviour in our lives, and chances are if he felt it was an acceptable way to treat you before, he'll consider it an acceptable way to treat you again.

It is said we are destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again until we learn the lesson we need to learn from a situation. It seems you have yet to learn the lesson you need to learn from the break up with this lad.

rochey84

edwinkane wrote: »

It seems you have yet to learn the lesson you need to learn from the break up with this lad.

Isn't that a bit harsh? Like we are talking 4 years ago that he broke up with me, do people not have the ability to grow and change over 4 years? should we not give him the benefit of the doubt? and should I not be the 1 to give him the benefit of the doubt?

edwinkane

rochey84 wrote: »

Isn't that a bit harsh? Like we are talking 4 years ago that he broke up with me, do people not have the ability to grow and change over 4 years? should we not give him the benefit of the doubt? and should I not be the 1 to give him the benefit of the doubt?

Those are really all questions for you to answer for yourself.

For me, it's a case of once bitten twice shy. If he has changed, then he'd realise he was unfair to you in the way he "dumped" you. That would then necessitate an apology to show that he has changed. If you want to make an assumption that he has changed, (which is what it is), then how do you explain he hasn't apologised to you when he realsied what he did?

Of course we all have the ability to change, and some of us do, but to make an assumption someone won't hurt you a second time, when they show no other signs of having changed, for me is an assumption too far. However, for you, it may be an assumption you want to make.

rochey84

I'm not assuming anything and I'm in no means thinking that when we meet we're gonna magically just be back in a relationship but to assume someone hasn't changed based on txt messages and 1 phone call is not giving them a proper chance at all, I think you're being a bit harsh, I know personally if I want to apologise to someone I generally do it in person because, I believe, it shows stronger character so I think I'm pretty much decided that I'm gonna go for the drinks and see what happens and get chatting to him properly, if it turns out he hasn't changed I haven't lost anything and I haven't taken any major risks, if it turns out he has changed I have everything to gain from it, or at least that would be my opinion!

P.S. maybe using the word dumped in my earlier post was a bit harsh, so I have changed it as I didn't feel dumped I was using it as descriptive for what happened. He was very nice in how he broke up with me he just didn't give a reason, maybe he felt insecure and doesn't want to admit that but I'll have a chat with him when I see him!

ninty9er

Is it possible that his reasoning at the time was that there wasn't a spark??

It's hugely important and doesn't mean in and of itself that he didn't have feelings for you at the time, but just that he didn't see it going anywhere. If you've both matured a bit this could have changed.

If he seems a different person and you are a different person to when you parted ways then go for it, nothing to lose. If nothing's changed then that's an answer too.