he needs space

LegacyUser

Hi guys, going unreg for this one. Sorry it's so long but I could use some advice.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for over a year and although we've had our ups and downs things were great up until recently (last few weeks). We're both currently experiencing family difficulties and have outside stresses at the minute and are going through a rough patch in our relationship. Now I put this rough patch down to all the stuff that's going on outside of our relationship and thought we'd get through it. Today he told me he needed space (for about a week) because he wasn't sure if he loves me for the right reasons anymore. He said he's been thinking about this for a few weeks and really doesn't want to hurt me but needs time and space to figure out what he wants and how he feels about me. The way he explained how he feels is that he doesn't know if it's really love or familiarity/wanting to make me happy (the old cliche of loving someone but not 'being' in love with them).

Now I know alot of you will think I should be the independent woman and say goodbye because he's messing me about but as sad as it is, I'm holding on to see how he feels next week. I know it's pathetic but I don't know what to do.I feel that we've both become a bit complacent in our relationship and if he does decide that this is what he wants, we'll both need to put a renewed effort into this relationship. If he decides it's not what he wants, then that's it over. I know I can't change how someone else feels about me. This isn't my first serious relationship so I'm a bit more rationale about break ups (even though I will be devastated). I'd really like some advice on whether I'm doing the right thing or am I letting him make all the decisions and being to passive. Do I need to give him his space or leave now as this is a signal for the end anyway? I'm so confused and any advice would really really really be appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

IrishEyes19

its a toughie, OP. I hate the word break and I hate how often one person gets to call to shots in it, because that length of the break for the person who doesnt want it is tortureous, been there, done that, so I know how you feel.

Well what I would ask for, if you feel he needs the space, is a deadline. I know people will say, how can you put a deadline on this. But you dont want to be hanging around either. So maybe send him a message saying, you understand what he's saying and he can have his break, however you're not going to sit forever waiting for an answer either, so would he agree to meet up on a certain day ect, and discuss whats going to happen.

that way, you'll get your answer, OP, as Im not saying he would act any less than decent but you dont want to get a text or phone call at some stage saying its over either, without getting your own say in it.

LegacyUser

Thanks Irisheyes. We had agreed a date for him to contact me when he initially told me he needed space. It was agreed that he would either let me know how he felt if he'd made a decision or if he needed more time but either way we would have contact by a specific date. TBH I just hate this whole situation and I feel so helpless. Thanks so much for posting!

Peanut2011

Hi OP,

I am very sorry to see that you have to go trough this. I guess stress and problems do affect us differently and maybe he does need some time as long as that is for the right reason.

I would tend to agree with what you have done, to give him some time apart to figure things out, however if after the set time he comes back and tells you he needs more time than is the time to tell him what you want.

I really hope this works out for the best, what ever that is for the both of you. Good luck OP.

common sense brigade

I know it's pathetic but I don't know what to do

your not pathetic your mature and being a grownup. theres no point screaming and running off with affirmations of hating him etc . If you love him give him the week. if he loves you he will come back to you. But dont take any more crap beyond the week. if he is still dragging his feet show him the door or you will loose your self esteem. good luck

missgroovy21

Im sorry that you are going through this it must be horrible!!!!

The other family issues that you were talking about that he's having also may be what he really needs to work on and could be the "im pushing u away syndrome"......but in saying that if he keeps using them as an excuse its never good.....give him his space...go meet with your girlfriends....tidy the space around you...do something that makes you feel good....obviously if things do end you will be heart broken but at the min i think it could go either way.....

I obv dont know your relationship but if you had been spending every waking moment together or txtn and talkin constantly then maybe taking a breather may be a good option.....things like that can scare a guy very easily and they arent as mature as us women!!!!...he needs to give you a straight answer tho!!! let us know how you get on

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your support guys, I really appreciate it. Missgroovy21, I have been very clingy recently but I think this was in relation to both my family issues and the fact that I could subconsiously feel him pulling away from me. My bf has had alot of trauma in his life therefore I'm inclined to maybe think that he's pushing me away. That said, he's the only one who knows how he truely feels and maybe I'm amking excuses for the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. I guess time will tell. All I know is that, no matter what, I can't change how he feels and I can't make someone love me (no matter how much I want to). I'm so grateful for all your support everyone - I think I just wanted someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing and it's good to get an impartial view on things. I'll keep you guys posted

IrishEyes19

cant find a username wrote: »

Thanks for all your support guys, I really appreciate it. Missgroovy21, I have been very clingy recently but I think this was in relation to both my family issues and the fact that I could subconsiously feel him pulling away from me. My bf has had alot of trauma in his life therefore I'm inclined to maybe think that he's pushing me away. That said, he's the only one who knows how he truely feels and maybe I'm amking excuses for the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. I guess time will tell. All I know is that, no matter what, I can't change how he feels and I can't make someone love me (no matter how much I want to). I'm so grateful for all your support everyone - I think I just wanted someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing and it's good to get an impartial view on things. I'll keep you guys posted

Don't worry about being clingy, OP, I know it drives people crazy, but that said when you sense someone pulling away from you, its very hard to sit back and let it happen, and when you put emotions and human nature into it, you being sensitive and inquisitive to your bf's behaviour towards you, is very easy to define as clingy.

I hope you get your answer soon, I hate the waiting when it concerns a break and how tough it feels. whatever happens, remain strong and dont fall to pieces. you've acted very decently and I really hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks sunflower27 I'm just about hanging in there. It's awful, it's not that I want to text him or call him because I know he needs space, it's more that I check my phon every 2mins - even though its on loud, in the hope that he'll have an epiphany. I just want him to want me! I know that sounds awful but it's true. Each hour is like a lifetime at the moment - it's really tearing me apart. I have to say though, one of my friends in particular has been fantastic! She invited me over last night and she's having me over for dinner tonight. She's even helped me plan how to spend my next few days and keeps checking in with me. I know all I can do is wait, but it's so hard. You all have been so supportive, I really can't stress how much this forum has helped me I just need to keep it together - only four more days (and nights) to go.

Faith

I was in your exact position a year ago, only we'd been going out just shy of two years. I actually had to check that this wasn't an old thread that I'd forgotten I started. Family problems and stress led to me being extra clingy, which led to him pulling away, which led to further clinging. He asked for a break, came back to me after a week, but finished it 2 weeks after that. TBH my biggest regret was letting him have all the control. I hated myself for not finishing things the minute he told me he was unhappy. I held on and begged and pleaded for him to stay, and promised him the world.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I suspected that if I'd walked away first, it would have made him want me again, but I don't know for sure. I honestly don't know what to advise you. Walking away is risky, but being passive sucks. In the 2 weeks after the break, I was constantly on high alert about how my bf was feeling - was he happy, was I annoying him, if I gave out to him for something would he finish it. It was horrible. There was also absolutely no renewed effort on his part at all. I took on all the blame for things falling apart and that completely let him off the hook. If you finish things, he could get a shock and realise that it wasn't what he wanted at all. On the other hand, he could agree with you - which would suck, but at least you'd have had the power of calling an end to things.

This post has been useless, but I just wanted to let you know that I've been there and I really feel for you. It's an incredibly difficult situation to be in.

LegacyUser

Hey Guys, I've been looking into this break thing more and more (e.g. online and asking friends etc) and it keeps coming up that I should have more say in this matter. I'm really thinking of just texting my boyfriend tomorrow to ask to meet so I can end things. This break is so hard for me and the fact that he's putting me through this might show me that he wants to end it. Then again, the fact that he's doing this might show that he doesn't want to end it? I don't know, all I know is that my bf is not a coward and he thought long and hard about this decision. I just don't know what to do - I know it's only a few days but I feel so desperate! I just think that, as Faith said, even if we do get back together I'll constatntly be walking on egg shells and waiting for him to do this again. I don't think I can take much more of this - I know some may say that it's just a few days and suggest that it's worth it if he turns around and tells me he does want to be with me, but do I want a relationship where I'm worried this will happen again. Now as I said, the family stuff he's going through is pretty awful and he's had terrible family trauma in his life before therefore I feel that I should stand by him - even if he decides he doesn't want me - but at what cost am I sacraficing myself? Sorry for the rant everyone, I'd really like to know what you think of this?

Faith

How do you feel? Are you happy in the relationship? Is everything okay generally? Are you compatible on issues like sex, marriage, kids, finances etc? For me, I knew deep down that there were issues that needed addressing, and I suspected he'd refuse to admit that they were problems, or make any effort to change. I knew that there was a huge amount of work ahead of us and that huge change would be needed to improve things. Given that I was only in my early 20s, deep down I suspected it wasn't worth it.

Right now, your posts are only addressing his feelings. Before you do anything, have a good long think about your feelings, independently of him. Do you think he's your soulmate? Would you do anything to save the relationship? When you've answered that question, and have a clear idea of your true feelings, then it'll be clearer what you should do.

If you don't do anything, and he ultimately finishes the relationship, you'll be hurt and humiliated that you let him have the power when you could have taken control. But if he wants to stay together, it may all work out perfectly. If you break up with him, he'll either accept your decision and you'll both move on (although it will suck and if you're like me, you'll torture yourself with thoughts of how you should never have done that), or it'll make him realise he's serious about you and he won't let go without a fight.

So yeah, figure out exactly what you want. Now is a really good time to go through all the pros and cons of your relationship. You can't be there for someone who doesn't want you, so for the moment I think you should forget about his family issues - if he wants your help, he'll let you know.

LegacyUser

Faith, I want to be with nim and thought we were compatible on all these issues. I'm going to wait until wednesday so then I can never think "what if." The reason why I'm considering his feelings and not discussing mine is becuase I don't know how I'm going to feel and it depends on he outcome. Well I do know that if he breaks up with me then that's it. I'm not going to chase him becasue you can't make someone love you. If he does decide he wants to stay with me then....I dunno! All I know is I love him but we may not come back from this. The reason I'm so tentative about my feelings is because I don't want to get my hopes up. Watch this space - hopefully I don't crack before Wed!

gypsy_rose

Hi OP, the same thing has happened to me just today and now I'm playing a waiting game too. I can't offer much advice except to say that you're not alone and we'll both get through this

chin up xxx

I am a friend

Girls, I know its very easy for a stranger to comment but it all seems so pathetic... Do you not think you are worth more than waiting around for some guy who 'doesnt know' to decide your future....

Take your future back and tell the pair of them to p off until they know for sure and you MIGHT be waiting for them if they come back.. They will respect for you more for it.

IrishEyes19

I am a friend wrote: »

Girls, I know its very easy for a stranger to comment but it all seems so pathetic... Do you not think you are worth more than waiting around for some guy who 'doesnt know' to decide your future....

Take your future back and tell the pair of them to p off until they know for sure and you MIGHT be waiting for them if they come back.. They will respect for you more for it.

agree with this. I made the same mistake with a guy before, and I wish I had told him, I wasn't hanging around and that I wasnt putting my life on a hold. Got hurt quite badly in the end too. So just mind yourselves. I really wouldnt put their feelings at the forefront at all. If they cared at all, they'd know this waiting game is pure torture for anyone

LegacyUser

I know I shouldn't be waiting around for him and I know that if I was on the outside looking in, I'd probably say the same thing - wise up, have more respect for yourself, you're worth more than that, if he wanted you he'd have you etc.

I just feel that I want to give him this space and I don't fully know why. Hindsight is a great thing and maybe in 6 months I'll look back and be annoyed/ashamed at how passive I am now but this is how I feel now.

I feel like I've come very far now and this space has been good for me too. It's shown me that I was very reliant on my bf, too much really. I don't know how I'll feel after Wednesday but I've got more perspective on this relationship. Then again, I could just be deluding myself.

I know you're all just trying to give me the best advice possible - believe me, I am (usually) so critical when it comes to stuff like this so I understand. If I'm making a mistake hopefully I will learn from it but in the meantime I feel that I have to wait.

gypsy_rose wrote: »

Hi OP, the same thing has happened to me just today and now I'm playing a waiting game too. I can't offer much advice except to say that you're not alone and we'll both get through this

chin up xxx

I really feel for you gypsy_rose, I hope you don't have too long to wait and that things work out for the best, whatever they are. Have you set a deadline/date to talk again? It just all so uncertain isn't it? Hang in there

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to let you know how everything went on Wed. My bf came over and we talked and talked and he wants to give it a go however I've laid down some ground rules that he has to follow (start looking for a new job, go to counselling to deal with his past issues etc) and we've both agreed that we need to communicate more how we're feeling. I also admitted that I have been too emotionally reliant on him over these last few weeks but we think it was steming from him pulling back. We both want to make this work and love each other but it's going to take time and alot of effort. I also told him he's hurt me very badly and that I still don't 100% know how I feel anymore so he has to be prepared that I may want to break up if things don't improve. I suppose that's all we can do for the moment - we know we both want to be together and I think that if we can overcome these things now it will make us stronger but if we can't - then at least we gave it our best shot! Thanks to everyone for being so supportive over this last week! I know every situation is different so whoever is going through the same stuff right now - hang in there. It's hard but only you really know what you want and how you feel. xx

Faith

I really hope it works out for you .